New to the forum, And I am in a big situation!

[snatonsb]

Hey everybody, This is my first post and thread. I am Nat and I am in this very sticky situation and I don't know what to do?

I am 23 and she is 38

Well okay, I have been talking to her since the end of April. I started going out with her on 5/19/10 and things went off smoothly in the beginning. We never fight or anything. She is my perfect match in terms of zodiac signs, I am an Aries and she is a Leo. All the things it says online can truly relate to our relationship. She has two kids, One is 17 and the other is 14. They have different dad's, The oldest one knows me and his mom are together and is mad cool with me. The younger one does not know because technically his dad is still married to his mom(my girlfriend) but he is in jail for another say 5-6 years. She tells me they are separated though and she loves me, but she loves him too. They have a kid together and she was married to him for 14 years and he did everything for her, So I understand. I guess I jumped the gun too fast and fell hard, head over heels. Now I am always thinking about her and being with her and shit. We are about to hit 3 months together now and we just went on a cruise together for the whole week. So I was with her 24/7 for about 6-7 days and we finally had arguements and disagreements here and there. It made things shaky, but definitely made me realize I care and love for her so much. Her birthday was yesterday, and I showed up mad early in the am to surprise her with groceries and to cook her breakfast. I left and came back at night to surprise her again with my cousins with a lit birthday cake cause she was feeling down. I didn't really feel the appreciation and get like oh your the best boyfriend ever kind of thing, which I was expecting you know. I need to feel loved and appreciated. She also has no job and is struggling, She expects me to help her out and stuff, I don't mind helping her with the small things here and there. She just scored a job, hopefully that pulls through. I seem to be greedy and selfish with her though, Which I don't notice. Like I always do things I want to do, or to keep her to myself at all times. I feel like I am going crazy inside and don't know what to do, I always call/text her first thing in the morning, Am I showing too much affection? Should I let come to me now and stuff? I just want to have her love me and not feel like pulling my hair out all the time.

I love her so much, and I feel so attached. I am feeling hurt inside, have anxiety, can't eat as much, and I don't sleep well.

[snatonsb]

Anyone? Would really love to know what to do. I feel pretty horrible right now.

[Progressus]

I didn't really feel the appreciation and get like oh your the best boyfriend ever kind of thing, which I was expecting you know. I need to feel loved and appreciated.

You're BEGGING for appreciation.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But the fault is within you, it's not about her not giving you everything you need. Learn to give this appreciation and love to yourself.

Only then you'll be able to love someone without any selfish feelings-- because then you'll never expect or demand anything, because all this is a bonus, you're not dependent on your girl.

[snatonsb]

Thanks for the advice but the situation even escalated more than ever. She called last night and I was like home come you don't show appreciation and love, That is all I am asking for. She goes I have priorities and my two kids, I have been eating shit with you for the past three months. I need to get my life straight and all of this stuff. She was like my younger son is asking how come your always over and my husband in jail is asking questions now. She goes I have to keep going over and over again about this with you. She goes call me when you get home we need to talk.

I get home and call her, She starts going off like don't you understand what I am trying to tell you? I go yeah after what you told me earlier, I feel used, lead on, and etc. I feel so hurt inside, When I have done nothing, but been an amazing boyfriend, putting all my effort into everything I do FOR YOU! I go this isn't right the way I feel inside, I should feel loved and happy, not all sad and depressed. Than we started fighting and I go you know what, Give me my shit back and we'll go our separate ways. She hung up on me and I instantly went to Facebook and put single. I know I should not have done that, but I did. The comments floored in and she got mad/sad/hurt whatever. Some comments from friend's were like "move on to the next" "i told you don't fall in love" etc. She changed her profile pic to a heart we made and called crying saying how much she loved me.

The next morning she calls me saying oh I am deleting all your friend's off my friend's list. She goes they are shit talkers when they don't even know me or both sides of the story. She goes that was very immature to have told the world on FB you were single when this is our private problem. She kept going on and on, She was being very cold and bitter.

I got drastic, Went out to get a haircut, Dressed up nice, got flowers, and a sorry card for her. I drove all the way to her house. Thank god she was home. I knocked and no answer, I kept knocking no answer. I even text her and got no response. After calling her 5 times, She turned her phone off. It was so hot outside and I was sweating out of control. I sat in front of her door and she finally opened it. She said she couldn't hear the door. She sat me down put the flowers in the vase. She was like I don't appreciate you making our life out there in public. This is not working out and you keep doing the same things. She was being so bitter in person. I was trying to be nice and sweet to her. She gave me my things and told me to leave home. She said she will come by my house later. I left breaking down crying driving home.

[zonay]

I think if we look at the situation from your girlfriend's side, she has a point. She is about to hit menopause, she has two kids and both are teenagers not small kids. She is still married and has never said she wants to get separated from her present husband or even hates him.
You are the perfect kind of boyfriend but for someone who is in her teens, whereas your present girl friend has experienced this all "twice" before. I think she just used your shoulder to cry on her worries. She wanted someone to help her with her things, share feelings with her and just pass quality time. But your involvement scared her. I think you are pushing it too hard. You are involving people (like by changing status on FB) and making your relationship public. Which should be private in her views.
Also I think you should be someone who appreciates all your efforts and who can enjoy it all with you. She has already been there which you are experiencing now. In my view you should go out and socialize more with other girls. You should be with someone who knows the worth of your love. She is obviously too messed up already. Even if you two settle together today, these problems will resurface again.

[snatonsb]

I think if we look at the situation from your girlfriend's side, she has a point. She is about to hit menopause, she has two kids and both are teenagers not small kids. She is still married and has never said she wants to get separated from her present husband or even hates him.
You are the perfect kind of boyfriend but for someone who is in her teens, whereas your present girl friend has experienced this all "twice" before. I think she just used your shoulder to cry on her worries. She wanted someone to help her with her things, share feelings with her and just pass quality time. But your involvement scared her. I think you are pushing it too hard. You are involving people (like by changing status on FB) and making your relationship public. Which should be private in her views.
Also I think you should be someone who appreciates all your efforts and who can enjoy it all with you. She has already been there which you are experiencing now. In my view you should go out and socialize more with other girls. You should be with someone who knows the worth of your love. She is obviously too messed up already. Even if you two settle together today, these problems will resurface again.

You are absolutely right, She is really messed up with problems! So what can I do? I feel so emotionally attached, That it threw me off track really bad. Is it wrong for me to hope inside that things will work out? I know that whole FB thing was wrong and this is a private matter, Do you think she would get over it? I am not trying to be too pushy and suffocate her, but it just comes out. I feel like I love her too much, and it's a pretty messed up situation. Thanks so much for the response, It really means a lot to me!

[zonay]

So tell me if she does agree to give you another chance, what is your long term planning? Looking at your condition it seems you will never be able to leave her. So how do you see your future with her if let's hope she takes you back?

[snatonsb]

So tell me if she does agree to give you another chance, what is your long term planning? Looking at your condition it seems you will never be able to leave her. So how do you see your future with her if let's hope she takes you back?

So after that whole situation at her house with me bringing flowers and a card, She comes over later. We end up kissing and making love. She was going to sleep over, and her youngest son ended up going back to her house. She fell asleep, Woke up at 5 am and said, OMG I got to go, My 14 yr old son is home alone, and she left. I just have all these feelings inside of me, and I don't know what to do. She didn't text or call me since she left, Like if she got home.

Okay should I be the first person to make contact today, Cause I always do a good morning text or call. Should I let her contact me before I try making contact? Thanks!

[snatonsb]

My friend also messaged her and this is what happened....

Eleida August 19 at 3:46pm Report
r u and nat going to fix things??
u guys r cute together

August 19 at 3:59pm
Thank you Eleida, that's sweet of you. I honestly don't know what's going to happen Nat is trully an amazing guy unfortunately we go back to the same problem we have had since the very begining he is very immature and I can't babysit all the time and try to make it work every time he has a tantrum. I am 38 years old and Nat's 23. Why prolong something that is starting to deteriorate, better let it go now and stay as friends that keep on hurting each other when he has tons of possibilities of working it out with someone his age. I passed that time already and his insecurities and immaturity pushed me away from him. Let's see what happens.

Eleida Banos August 19 at 4:01pm Report
he is a great guy, he really is.. idk what is up with him.. lol. bueno like i told u if its meant to be he will come around and if it aint then **** it lol and move on. mejor amigos its great por lo menos asi he will come around and say i ****ed up. LOL
i dont even know u lol, if u need someone to chat with im here.

August 19 at 4:09pm
He has come around and I am trully sure of his love for me but the problem is not about the way we feel about each other, I adore him, he has been nothing but good to me, but i'm tired of putting up with his childish ways and dumb lil tantrums he needs to realize I am not 20 years old anymore and he needs to start acting like a man, i am not his mom. Besides there's lots of envious people in this Facebook crap why put your life in it and allow everyone else laugh at it like this is a circus? I am a very private person and from the very beginning I explain that to him I don't share my life with anyone here, I have two boys 17 and 14 they don't need to see that, and they happen to love him and be friends with him. They don't need all this BS.
Anyways thanks for caring and for being neutral to this.

[vashti]

This is a grown woman with a lot of grown-up problems, who was probably only interested in relieving stress and feeling good once in a while.

You are a young boy who is interested in love and romance and happily-ever-after.

You two are clearly NOT a match. Although she may genuinely LIKE you, she KNOWS this.

Your expectations for a married mother of two are outrageously inappropriate. Unless you are able to accept this as simply a bit of fun, you should move on to a younger girl without so many life complications.

And quit posting updates about your relationships on Facebook. That is the behavior of 14 year olds, not grown ups.

[snatonsb]

This is a grown woman with a lot of grown-up problems, who was probably only interested in relieving stress and feeling good once in a while.

You are a young boy who is interested in love and romance and happily-ever-after.

You two are clearly NOT a match. Although she may genuinely LIKE you, she KNOWS this.

Your expectations for a married mother of two are outrageously inappropriate. Unless you are able to accept this as simply a bit of fun, you should move on to a younger girl without so many life complications.

And quit posting updates about your relationships on Facebook. That is the behavior of 14 year olds, not grown ups.

Thank you for being straight up with my situation, It means a lot to me. I just don't know what to do now, Should I just start backing off a bit and see what happens? Your right, Me doing the whole FB thing was immature, and I reacted before thinking. Thank you for your input though Vashti.

[vashti]

I don't think this relationship serves your best interests, so I think you should call it off. You are too emotionally invested in an unavailable woman for this to have a happy ending for you.

[IndiReloaded]

She's a cougar and you are her plaything. Don't get attached to her, cub. She'll only drop you like yesterday's uneaten mouse at the back door.

[snatonsb]

I don't think this relationship serves your best interests, so I think you should call it off. You are too emotionally invested in an unavailable woman for this to have a happy ending for you.

Vashti, You are very wise with these types of situations, I cannot thank you enough. I just feel really hurt inside right now, used, lead on, and abused emotionally. I just hope I am able to let go without making things worse.

[vashti]

I doubt she tried to hurt you. I think you both simply underestimated how complicated this might become.

I think you should call things off, but have a plan in place for how you will spend your time until you feel back-to-normal. Reconnect with old friends, start some new hobbies, join a gym, whatever. It helps to be really busy and physically exhausted.