Closing In On a Year Now...

[ChristianonLI]

The fact that all of you share this similar opinion which is different from mine only tells me that all of you have been brainwashed into a conformist attitude. As for "perspective" about people who are terminally ill and whatnot, I don't really care about any of them. I only care about the fact the woman I love no longer loves me and is preparing to go on a weekend vacation with this other man and while she is enjoying every minute of her life I will be here miserable.

I will never understand how any of you can so weakly accept breakups. It will never make sense to me how any of you can let another human being emotionally tear you apart without punishment. If more of you started going out and punishing these horrible people who hurt us the world might be a better place and maybe, just maybe, the next time a woman thinks about leaving a man who has done nothing wrong to her, she will think twice and stay instead of reaching for the stars as America has made her think it were possible to do.

[WaiKru]

I will never understand how any of you can so weakly accept breakups. It will never make sense to me how any of you can let another human being emotionally tear you apart without punishment. If more of you started going out and punishing these horrible people who hurt us the world might be a better place and maybe, just maybe, the next time a woman thinks about leaving a man who has done nothing wrong to her, she will think twice and stay instead of reaching for the stars as America has made her think it were possible to do.

You're the one who's weakly accepting the breakup. Stop being a whiny kid about it and change yourself for the better. Get this girl back instead of trying to punish her. And how exactly would you expect to punish her anyway? There's nothing you can do.

[cmacattack1]

Wah wah. Same 'ol same 'ol.

The fact that you think marrying somebody will properly fix your life and "triangulate" everything in your life to be perfect is just an example of how you are completely absolving yourself of any responsibility to your life. You have such a childlike mentality to think that all you need is love and that it's only with her.

Yeah, I know, it's nothing new. Been telling you this for the last year I've been on this forum since I joined around the same time you did with the same amount of heartbreak. I have actually been dating or intimate with less girls than you have and I still don't share such an obscured image on everything.

It's hard to admit but I see the progress too. Just at a microscopically slow pace. I would give you a time machine if I could to fast forward you to that last stage: acceptance. It's all downhill from there.

[ChristianonLI]

Waik, she's never coming back. She's moved on and forgotten all about me. Try for someone new? Really? It could never be as good again. She will never love me again and this is reason enough to end it all. I only wish I had the strength to finally do it.

[gonewiththewind]

If you truly believe she's all out to hurt you, then you can punish her by living a happier life than she did.

At the moment, you are punishing yourself by wanting her so much...

I don't want to tell you what to do, but why don't you try something I did?
You know that first post you posted? The one full of hatred? Write more of those. You need to let it out. I used to write one letter like that everyday and then throw it out the next day. It is a very good form of catharsis. Just don't put it on this forum because people are going to convince you that you are weak and cruel. You are not going to get any sympathy by sounding like you did. Took me a month to stop writing those letters but I felt a lot better afterwards. You'll start to see things better once you feel better, and then you'll decide if you should still be mad at her.

Being angry is like holding unto a piece of burning coal wanting to throw at someone (in this case, your ex wife). But it is you who gets burned. But we don't want to let go of anger because it makes us feel helpless.

Write out your anger with the most vicious words you could muster. Do it in red ink. Go chop a tree. Just find a non-violent way to let it out. If you direct your anger at anybody, whether if its your exwife, friends, family, colleagues, or even users on this forum, it will only bounce back to you (as you can see with forum users insulting you). This is newton's third law - every action generates an equal reaction.

So write your anger on a piece of paper that nobody will ever read. Write it as much as possible. Then throw that piece of paper away. Incinerate it. Bury it deep underground. Toss it into a bag, throw the bag into a river, then hurl the river into space. Whatever...

Try it out. I don't know if it will work for you, but at least give it a try...

Take care.

n my job i deal with some people who are in some terrible situations, young people terminally ill, or if not immediately terminal then people with m.s., muscle wasting diseases and terrible chronic conditions, people who have not been able to leave their houses for years because of illness, who have no tangible quality of life or any opportunity for any sort of life. In all my years of dealing with people like this i have never come across anyone with so much self pity as you Christian.

The patients I looked after also suffer some similar fate. Nurses reported that they have mood swings, throwing bed pans, physically and verbally abusive, yet other times they might be okay. I never tell them to "get some perspective". I just walk away and come back later because I know the 5 stages people go through during a terminal illness. They don't always experience all the 5 stages, some of them are stuck in the anger stage till the day they die. But thats terminal illness. Patients who suffer chronic pain issues usually just wants to rant about their pain all day long. Again, I never tell them to "get some perspective" because I know they will never listen. I just end the consultation as quickly as I can, do as much as I can by giving as much analgesia as they can tolerate, and hope they see the light eventually. If I can't handle their pain adequately, I'll just refer them to the pain specialist.

I'm not against getting some new perspective.
I'm not against moving on.

But getting perspective and moving on depends on the suffering individual. Sure, cancer is bad, the holocaust was bad, but everybody has a different pain threshold and they assign different meanings to different things in life. Some value money and commits suicide after declaring bankruptcy, some value family and commits suicide after the death of a family member, some value love etc etc.

You can argue that moving on is up to the individual. But the realization of the need to move on will come when the time is right. Just as some of the terminally ill patients I looked after never got over their illness, and some of them did. They all received the same level of care. If moving on was really dependent upon sheer will power and external support, then all of them should come out of their misery. Yet some realize they need to will themselves to move on, some never do.

So please guys... you can insult me if you want, but stop with the "getting a new perspective and moving on" stuff unless you have some super bright ideas. It is doing very little to help. If you've given ideas and Christ and he is not following, instead he just laments more, that just means he's not ready to move on. You can't force a child to cross the road when they're not ready. You can only tell them how, and let them take their time. And if you think they're taking too long, then give them a little nudge now and then. Some eventually crosses, and some don't, but at least they don't die in the process. Until they do, I believe the best approach is just wait and see...

[kitkitkitty]

i think what you don't realize is that by moving on and not wallowing in a room filled to the brim with your own tears you're being strong not weak. being strong is accepting what's happened then standing on your own 2 feet and showing the world what you're made of. imagine if everyone acted like you. there'd be hardly anyone walking the streets!
and i don't understand why you come here to an ADVICE forum and then blindly defend your point of you as if wishing to change ours. you came here for our opinions yet you refuse to take on board what we've said. i don't get it.

[ChristianonLI]

I don't understand the things I say either. I am consciously aware of the fact I hate myself and hold no value to my existence and also believe myself to be the greatest man on earth and that my ex would be the luckiest woman on the planet to stay with me. How is that sort of duality even possible.

Yes, I come here for advice and then resist. It makes no sense. Nothing about my life makes sense anymore and the advice I receive here, even though it's exactly what everyone has been telling me for a year, doesn't feel like it would work. All I see is a miserable future where I'll never love another the way I loved Jenn. I feel this in my bones. As much as you all tell me it won't be that way and I can be strong I worry every day that I'll end up that poor, broken old man in the corner of the bar drinking himself to death and wallowing in self pity. I both know you're all right and then "feel" the exact opposite.

All I know is I love Jenn. I have loved her since very early in our relationship and our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. How could I ever possibly be that happy again?

[Kyouhen]

I think I'm just going to walk away from this, and I advise others to do the same.

At this point, he is a lost cause, and I don't feel bad saying that.

Sorry bud, got bigger things to worry about in my life.

[gonewiththewind]

i think what you don't realize is that by moving on and not wallowing in a room filled to the brim with your own tears you're being strong not weak. being strong is accepting what's happened then standing on your own 2 feet and showing the world what you're made of. imagine if everyone acted like you. there'd be hardly anyone walking the streets!

Its just a different approach to things. You can toss a baby in the pool and force them to swim, or you can teach them later on when they're more grown up. I tend to take things easy because some people respond better to that.

Wallowing in tears to me can be part of the healing process too. But of course, there are others who beg to differ. Some see tears as a big sign of weakness. Standing strong means not shedding tears, going out and making things happen. Thats what being a man is all about! I can understand that point of view, it just doesn't apply to everyone. It sounds very much like the 50s.

And when was this about you or me? I've read the posts, and realized the hard way isn't working very well for Chriss so I suggested a different approach. Then even I got flamed. -_-'

and i don't understand why you come here to an ADVICE forum and then blindly defend your point of you as if wishing to change ours. you came here for our opinions yet you refuse to take on board what we've said. i don't get it.

And I didn't come here for ADVICE. I came to read about other people's dillemma to get some perspective. I've mentioned that previously... I defended my point because I realised your way isn't working very well for Chriss... But for some reason everybody keep insisting on the same dead end approach. If it works for Chris, I will be happy for him. I know my approach is not conventional, in fact my approach is dead wrong for somebody, but everybody needs an approach tailored to their personality. Not everybody is the same. This reminds me of all the arrogant doctors I work with. Everybody wants to be right to feed their ego but they forget that its the patient's opinion that matters most.

If the "being strong and moving on" method isn't working, which isn't at the moment, then try something else. I'm just here to provide another way.

Nothing about my life makes sense anymore and the advice I receive here, even though it's exactly what everyone has been telling me for a year, doesn't feel like it would work.

If the advice you've been receiving isn't working, then it isn't working. Its not your fault.

All I see is a miserable future where I'll never love another the way I loved Jenn. I feel this in my bones. As much as you all tell me it won't be that way and I can be strong I worry every day that I'll end up that poor, broken old man in the corner of the bar drinking himself to death and wallowing in self pity. I both know you're all right and then "feel" the exact opposite.

Boy you sure did love her... I don't really know what to say here.

How could I ever possibly be that happy again?

I don't know Chris. That is the honest answer. You might find another in the future, or you might not. But you'll never know if you don't let go of the past.
Give yourself more time...
If a year isn't enough then take 2, or 5 or 10. Hey I know folks who are getting married at the age of 80! It is never too late to start moving on. If you spent 70 years forgetting her, although most people will think that you're stupid, but it just goes to show how much you loved her. Some people loss their spouses to cancer very early in their marriage and remained unmarried till the end of their lives because they realize couldn't love another. For some reason that is more "acceptable". *shrugs*

Give time some time.

I'm not saying time can heal everything. But it can soften the blow, thats for sure. In time, you might still miss her and love her, but it won't hurt that much anymore.

But you owe it to your loved ones to live your life as best you can. ie. not ending up a broken old man in the corner of the bar drinking himself to death

Do it for Jenn then. If you want to take the chance, then wait for her. Maybe one day she'll realise you are the one and come back to you. Only that time, she will be coming home to a different person. A much stronger, loving, and forgiving man. But most of all, you need to be able to take care of her should she come back to you. How can you take care of her when you're all drunk and miserable?

Just let time work its magic on you.

I think thats all I can do for you buddy... just hang in there. I'm walking away too.

[kitkitkitty]

[QUOTE=ChristianonLI;627039]...doesn't feel like it would work[QUOTE]
well of course it won't work if you never try...

[Bella82]

Um..... HELLO?! This is NOT love, this is crazy talk!!! There is no such thing as one woman for every man and vice versa. She's just the first woman you've loved, not the last. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? How can you think love means wishing the other person the ill-est fate imaginable when they don't want to be with you?!

[Bella82]

I don't understand the things I say either. I am consciously aware of the fact I hate myself and hold no value to my existence and also believe myself to be the greatest man on earth and that my ex would be the luckiest woman on the planet to stay with me. How is that sort of duality even possible.

Yes, I come here for advice and then resist. It makes no sense. Nothing about my life makes sense anymore and the advice I receive here, even though it's exactly what everyone has been telling me for a year, doesn't feel like it would work. All I see is a miserable future where I'll never love another the way I loved Jenn. I feel this in my bones. As much as you all tell me it won't be that way and I can be strong I worry every day that I'll end up that poor, broken old man in the corner of the bar drinking himself to death and wallowing in self pity. I both know you're all right and then "feel" the exact opposite.

All I know is I love Jenn. I have loved her since very early in our relationship and our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. How could I ever possibly be that happy again?

I fully recommend you see a psychologist.

[ChristianonLI]

How about you, Bella, and any other naysayers, go back through the thread and find the link I put to the complete story of what happened. It contains the entire course of events in the 3 months we were married, from every newbie mistake I made to every heartless act of spitefulness from her. It was my first real relationship that lasted more than a month, there were things I just didn't know. It didn't mean I wasn't capable of doing things right but I needed time to adjust, time to grow and time to understand the full extent of what it meant to be a husband, of which I was given a whole 90 days to master. Hell, in reality I was given 30 days because the first issues started just one month into the marriage.

So those of you who just don't understand, go find the link. It's on page 6 or 7. Remember, everything that happens in there happened in the space of 3 months. Not a year, or five years or a decade as any normal, rational marriage should last before finally falling apart. Three f***ing months, people. Go read it before you pass judgment on me.

[sookie6]

I have actually been dating or intimate with less girls than you have and I still don't share such an obscured image on everything.
.

As a side note I would just like to say that I would love to be intimate with you Cmattack

I thought I would point this out even though it's off topic...

[lahnnabell]

How about you, Bella, and any other naysayers, go back through the thread and find the link I put to the complete story of what happened. It contains the entire course of events in the 3 months we were married, from every newbie mistake I made to every heartless act of spitefulness from her. It was my first real relationship that lasted more than a month, there were things I just didn't know. It didn't mean I wasn't capable of doing things right but I needed time to adjust, time to grow and time to understand the full extent of what it meant to be a husband, of which I was given a whole 90 days to master. Hell, in reality I was given 30 days because the first issues started just one month into the marriage.

So those of you who just don't understand, go find the link. It's on page 6 or 7. Remember, everything that happens in there happened in the space of 3 months. Not a year, or five years or a decade as any normal, rational marriage should last before finally falling apart. Three f***ing months, people. Go read it before you pass judgment on me.

3 months. Whatever. It is time to start letting go. Those 3 months are never coming back. Ever. Are you really going to sit inside and wallow in your self-pity for the rest of eternity?

And I don't know how you know that your ex-wife went on vacation with this other man, but you need to stop getting fed updates on her life, or stop seeking them out. This is part of the problem. She should be completely removed from your life. Just like if she had died. 'Cause your relationship is dead. Mourn it, and move on.