Friends with exes I need opinions

[lostlars]

Hello all,

I just wanted to get some insight. I feel very strongly about not remaining friend with a significant ex. Its one thing if you dated a month or 2 and its a completely other thing if they were a huge part of your life. My boyfriend tells me all the horrible stuff his ex did to him and then I come to find out that they remain friends. Infact he was texting her while I was driving over to hang out. I am very against this and it has caused a fight between us. Am I being out of line? I feel if you are fully commited to the person you are with an ex should be the past. I feel people that talk to their exes are keeping them on the back burner. I have been guilty of that in the past myself. I have changed my ways and do not talk to my exes out of respect to my new man. He was with a girl for 7 years whom he still talks to and I told him it really bothers me. Am I wrong?

[ExCrossfireSRT6]

Hello Lostlars! I'm new here and was browsing through topics and decided to pop my forum cherry right here! lol

Anyway, I can kind of relate to your problem. As with you, it has also been hard for the women I have dated in the past to accept the fact that I continue talk to a select few of my ex's. I wouldn't even go so far as to say that any of the said ex's and I have a great best friend-like "relationship" ...but we might possibly chat for a few minutes *maybe* every couple of weeks by phone, a rare email, or the occasional short text "conversation." I could totally understand if you or my current girl were upset if *with each bf-gf respectfully* I or your bf were to meet up for lunch or coffee with an ex without our current gf being there. Personally, I refrain/completely avoid seeing any one of my ex's if its going to be a one on one environment without my current gf's "supervision" if you will. :p Purely due to the fact that rumors could easily start and its hard enough to maintain a true friendship with an ex, and a current as it is. Now if he is involved with an ex girlfriend in a friendship, I wont lie, it requires ample amounts of trust in him on your part. Dont stop reading, it can be worth it! To be honest, I have even had a case where an (at the time) current gf and an ex became very good friends...

OK! Its my question time! lol You said you are guilty of talking to your ex's...are you saying you were keeping your ex's on the "back burner" early on in your current relationship? You also said that you stopped talking to your ex's out of respect to your new bf...So did he ask you to stop? Or did he know you talked to them? Because if he asked you to stop he is a total hypocrite and I wouldn't stand for that for one second! How long has it been since they broke up? Did he hide it from you that they talked? Do you think he has, or will cheat on you? (not limiting this ? to only the ex in question) Is he typically up front and honest? Is he trustworthy to you? What happened during his RS (getting tired of typing relationship) with his ex? Were there any life altering experiences to either party during their time together? Does he have children with his ex? Does his family still communicate with her? Where do you see yourself going with this guy? (meaning is it worth it even worth it) Sorry, there are just a lot of factors involved to give a good recommendation....

Not knowing the details I cant truly give my opinion but here goes! Think of it from his side...7 years is a very long time to know someone. Regardless how crappy he says she was to him, there had to be a reason to remain with her that long. And its true! Some people really are better people apart and as friends than they were together. But you have to remember; to end that long of a RS, whatever did end it, it was probably very serious. Something totally unreconcialable (sp?) to say the least. Not something easy to overcome if he were to jump back with the ex... Usually when the length of a RS is that long...both parties are (for lack of better word) "molded" into a type of partner/person and they will play their "role" for quite a long time after the LTR has ended. Even continuing to the next RS possibly! Im sure your wondering: why do we talk to our ex's anyways? Right? Not completely sure...Might be that we cant stand the thought of throwing away something that so much time was invested? Maybe its just as simple as keeping a good friend, someone that knows more about you than anyone else? Possibly its th aspect of "security" that each ex may feel when one of them are severely stressed, either caused by everyday life or maybe an anniversary of something extremely tragic etc...

My point is, the ex's will always have something that you and your current will never have. You and him may make even greater memories, or fall deeper in love, or even get married and live happily ever after. But each ex will always have their own part of his life. That doesn't mean the person you are asking about is still in love, just that there will always be love for that ex. As long as you trust him, he's being honest that he is currently and wants to remain to be with you...you have nothing to worry about. I'm not saying I'm like every guy, Lord knows Ive seen ex's get back together time after time. But if he says he is truly done with her, and you have no reason not to believe him, at least truly try to accept it. And if you cant, then *calmly* tell him thats it still makes you really uncomfortable....after that its on him to decide what is more important. I'm not saying you have to totally agree with it or be ecstatic about it...Just try it. Here's a perk! When you two fight, (and lets say he talks to his ex about it) who is going to be more honest with him when he's messing up (like we men often do) than an ex gf!? LOL He gets another woman's non-biased POV, hopefully its good advice, and he'll a swift kick in the ass for being dumb! Its a win win win for you! Maybe try looking at his being able to salvage friendships from ex RS, as something you could admire instead of being leery of. It takes lots of work, self control, and patience to build a friendship with an ex. All good qualities in building a new RS btw! And lets face it, he cant be a complete @$$hole if his ex's are still willing to talk to him!

Just my two pennies...and hope it helps!

-ExCrossfireSRT6

(SO?! Was it a good cherry poppin post!? LOL!!!)

[ExCrossfireSRT6]

wow, that was longer than I thought! Sorry! But I think its worth the read...

-ExCrossfireSRT6

[nerdy_guy]

I have been guilty of that in the past myself.

That's your problem. You shouldn't wipe it on him.

You don't feel comfortable because you did it yourself. That is unfair and out of line. The only time you should rip out his balls is IF he makes her a priority instead of you.

[lostlars]

Thanks for the in depthe response! It was very insightful. I am not guilty of talking to exes in my current relationship. I am saying I have done so in past relationships that have ultimately ended because I was never truley over the ex I kept talking to and it wasnt fair to the new guys. This is a sore subject for me because a guy I was very much in love with was friends with an ex of his. Turns out he cheated on me with her throughout our relationship, broke my heart, and ultimately ended up back with her and they are together now. So ulimately I am jaded. I know not everyone is the same and my new guy shouldnt be punished because of what an ex did to me but here are my issues: for one, he has a kid with another woman and I have accepted that and his relationship with that woman. Although not relavent to this other girl thats alot for any new girlfriend to take on. My issue with the ex in question is that they were together for 7 years and have never truly had that clean break period. I believe if you quit talking to an ex for a year or 2 and the feelings die down only then is it possiblle to have a friendship,its impossible to become friends with someone you loved over night without time passing.

Anyhow this particular ex was a horrible influence. He has told me she used him and treated him horribly. Why would you stay friends with someone like that? Also she got him into drugs years ago. He is clean and sober now but that bothers me to because as far as I know she still uses. I dont want those type of people in my life or in my bfs. He doesnt understand that. He thinks Im being jealous and way out of line. He says they were best friends and you cant just walk away from a 7 year relationship and not stay in contact. Its all bs..Im sure hes keeping her in the backburner and hes trying to twist it into me feeling like I am a jealous crazy lady. Arent my points valid?

[Raze]

Okay, this is what I always say about exes and I think many people on here will agree that it isn't okay to continueously be in contact with your ex because trust issues start to manifest. I know that in the past that I've had trust issues when it comes to exes because I've actually had a girl cheat on me before with an ex while they were still in contact. I don't think it's okay especially if you're not comfortable with it.

[alwaystryin]

lostlars, I think your points are completely valid, and I agree with Raze. I would definitely have a problem with my bf having any kind of relationship with his ex unless there was GOOD reason, such as the child he has in common with the other woman. To me it would be the same as him meeting a single woman and calling her his 'new' friend. Are you kidding me? For what reason? Even if you had a guarantee that you could trust him, you couldn't possibly have any way to trust her. You'll always have that little voice in the back of your head wondering if anything is going on. I think it is disrespectful of him, especially since he knows now how you feel about it. I think he needs to make a decision, or maybe you do. If it's that hard for him to let her go then he obviously has issues. What would he actually lose if he cut ties with her besides your mistrust and questioning the security of your relationship? If that's not important enough, then....

[ExCrossfireSRT6]

I'm not saying your points and feelings arent valid by any means lostlars. And I never said that your bf being "best friends" with his ex is right either. You should be his best friend and him yours, and if you arent theres no reason you two should be together! And a side note: anyone that tells another person not to feel a certain way is being very controlling. And it should be dealt with swiftly. Thats why we have feelings in the first place....and its not healthy to refrain from expressing them.

Like nerdy said:

That's your problem. You shouldn't wipe it on him. You don't feel comfortable because you did it yourself. That is unfair and out of line. The only time you should rip out his balls is IF he makes her a priority instead of you.

Just because you kept your ex "on the backburner" doesnt mean he is doing the same. You are assuming things based on your past actions...and its not rational to assume that he is doing the same. He isnt you. And he's not your ex! And how is it fair to him that you get to decide when its been long enough, and they can talk? That sounds a little controlling to me personally...Not trying make you feel like I'm attacking you, just tryin to shoot some constructive criticism your way. You have got to see it from his side too. You two have both made different choices, and like I said earlier, you may not understand it, but (for some guys) ex's will always have a place in their heart. It doesnt mean they are in love...just that they will always care. I'm guessing your guy wants you to know that you are always his #1 priority, and thats all you should need! If he's being true to you, and always putting you first, what does it matter? Stop sweating the petty shit...in my opinion

-ExCrossfireSRT6