Is she the one? Feeling a little scared...

[Iamabeliever]

I have been recently looking at the little things my girl does to see if she is the one I want to marry and should/should not marry. Smaller things I notice is that she opens my car door from the inside for me as I am walking around the car, she offers to pay, we have great sex, she is intelligent and she motivates me to be a better person , we are loyal, have similar moral beliefs and she just makes me happy! The only thing I am worried about is that she talks about money a lot. Her parents are well off and I am still in college working on my masters. (not that rich but comfortable). Her best friends boyfriend "supposedly" makes more than 6 figures and she brought it up to me a couple of times. I told her that I dont like to talk like that because I dont want money to be the center of our relationship and it makes me feel inadequate with what I make as if they are comparing me to him... Another thing that is questionable to me is that she is uncomfortable saying i love you to me in front of her parents even as I am saying goodbye. Is that normal?

I thought in choosing the one for you to marry there should be NO doubts... true/false?

[teel]

A materialistic world view is part of the moral belief, so if you feel you're similar on that topic, then you probably are only concerned you don't make enough money to keep her happy. I think it's safe to say she might really be the one for you at least from your description, you're a good match for each other. You're getting a master's degree, you probably won't end up in the poor's house, so in the long run you'll be able to provide for your family, so I say no worries. If she loves you she'll stay with you until you're over this "poorer" stage of your life. Maybe she's just happy with her best friend's luck?

Saying "I love you" in front of others is more a matter of personality. I felt love before, and I was uncomfortable saying it in front of others. I didn't have a problem with them knowing it, it was just... uncomfortable. If she's ok with showing her affection in other ways in front of others (for example holding hands, kisses on cheek, or something), then I wouldn't worry.

As for your last question: false. Only a fool would not worry about a hopefully lifelong commitment. The presence of doubt is not a sign that she's the one or not... the answer to your doubt is.

[lahnnabell]

I don't like to be overly affectionate in front of family members. It's just not something I want my family to be privy to. Sometimes when I come over my boyfriend will kiss me while his mother is standing near by and I'm always wondering, "I hope I'm not offending her." It's silly, but I have a huge amount of respect for his mother and his family. I don't like it when couples act like they're the only people in the room.

The money talk would bother me too. It's almost like she's passive-aggressively trying to push you to finish your degree and get a well-paying job like her best friend's man. When she does this, just gently remind her that you're working at your own pace and that you'd appreciate it if she would stop mentioning other people's money situations. It's not any of your or her business how much that guy makes anyway. Most likely her best friend brags about her guy's huge salary as though it's some great accomplishment that she landed a well-paid guy. What did she say when you asked her not to mention it to you anymore? Her response to that is more important at this point because it reveals how important your feelings are to her.

[Iamabeliever]

She brought up one day how her friends boyfriend makes over $150,000 a year fixing planes and I told her that he is over inflating what he makes because I work on planes too and you cant make that much unless you are a senior engineer with over 15 years of experience...he is 25. Then I told her that I do not want to talk about this because when I am 25, I will still be in school and it feels like you are comparing me to him. So she described to me that she made an oath to herself that when she gets married, she will be financially independent from her husband and not rely on him for money, only herself. So, a week later we are having a conversation with her mom nearby within earshot...she is very materialistic and one time she even asked me, "when are you going to start making some REAL money?". My girlfriend brought up out of nowhere that this guy actually does make $150,000 a year because she asked her best friend again. I didnt say anything because her Mom was there .Then my girl and her mom talked about it for about 5 minutes while I sit there as a starved college student feeling very insecure about the weight of my wallet.

[lahnnabell]

Your girl doesn't sound like she's the wonderful princess you painted her to be. If she wants to be financially independent with a giant bank account, then she should make it a goal for herself. What exactly is she doing right now that is helping her toward this goal?

Money is one of the main reasons people divorce. If this is going to be an issue for her in the years to come, I would hold off on the marriage talk. Especially since it seems your values lie elsewhere.

[Iamabeliever]

Ever since we started talking about marriage, I have been internally scrutinizing her because she will be the one with me forever and I do not want to divorce. I have now been focusing on the negative things about her instead of focusing on the positive things about her due to this changed mindset. Right now she has 2 jobs and makes a comfortable amount as a wedding planner. I really just hope she was just having a normal gossipy conversation with me. I tend to look too deep into things like how all girl language is a code for more metaphorical meaning. Maybe she was just giving me an update on her friends lives or maybe she was comparing me to him...

If she was raised with everything given to her and everything has been taken care of for her whole life, will that transcend onto my shoulder if I decide to commit? She says money means nothing to her and that she wants to be an independent strong woman, but I dont think she has been in that situation.

[LailaK]

You need to decide if those two things are deal breakers for you or not. Decide if she is so wonderful in other ways that you're willing to overlook the things you don't like. If you can't over look these things then you will eventually break up. Harsh, but true.

I believe there might always be doubts. That's ok. There is NO SUCH THING as the perfect partner. That person doesn't exist. What does exist is the person you love so much that you will over look their flaws. If you're lucky, they love you so much that they over look your flaws too.

Here's a good video for you to watch.




Side note. I don't understand what is so evil about wanting to be well off. I want to be well off. I think being poor would be awful. Does that make me a bad person? If your girlfriend was a bimbo who expected you to support her completely I might see your point better. But from what I've read she currently holds two jobs and makes a good living for herself. Maybe her concern is more that she wants you to step up to the plate and be an equal contributor. Maybe she understands the lifestyle she wants and is talking about it with you to see if your financial goals are compatible. I think this is a good thing. Figuring this out now, before marriage is the best thing for you both. Personally, for me, I'm pretty sure I will have to marry a man who makes just as much, if not more, than I do. Statistically, marriages don't work between couples where the woman earns more than the man. It takes a VERY special, secure, and amazing type of man who can be married to a woman who makes more than he does. There aren't that many out there. This might be a problem for a woman who makes a lot of money or plans on being wealthy... Do you see where I'm going with this?

Side note number 2, it's not that good of a feeling to be scrutinized by the one you love while he's trying to figure out if you're good enough for him. I've been where she is, and it sucks. You might think this is an internal dialogue you have going on, but trust me, it's effecting the way you look at and treat her. Figure out your sh*t and either keep her or dump her. Just don't drag things out or make her jump through hoops while you sit there, judging her for being who she is.

Cliff notes:
- Figure out if these are deal breakers or not.
- Even if you don't want to it sounds like you guys need more conversations about money, not less. You need to figure out if you guys are on the same page about the future.
- If she ends up being the one you love and want to marry, stop scrutinizing her. It's not nice and it will make her feel like crap.

[Progressus]

There is NO SUCH THING as the perfect partner. That person doesn't exist. What does exist is the person you love so much that you will over look their flaws. If you're lucky, they love you so much that they over look your flaws too.

Thumbs up for that!

[Iamabeliever]

LailaK, Thank you for the video! I watched a few other videos of his. He is funny and gives decent advice... I agree, there may not be such thing as a perfect partner. I would not want a perfect partner either because that would be boring wouldn't it? Perfection can be boring...

I am not scrutinizing her outwardly at her in a nagging manner. I keep it to myself and in my thoughts, I would never do anything to make my parter feel insecure at all. You are right though LailaK, thank you for the great advice!

[Iamabeliever]

PS...

What other videos do you like to watch? I find them VERY interesting.

[LailaK]

I love Dan Savage. I have no idea how he became so smart, but he is.

I actually like all of his videos. I was thinking about entering a FWB relationship and a good friend of mine sent his video on how emotions are inevitable in a relationship where sex is involved. He made a lot of sense so I think it helped me avoid a bad situation.

[lahnnabell]

Now knowing that your girl IS capable of supporting herself and does so through not one, but two jobs, I think Laila is right. This woman probably wants you to step up to the plate. While marriage is happiness and love, it's also about pooling your assets and she wants to know if it's a good investment of her time and money. It sucks that it's not ALL about love, but money is a very big deal now. People want a certain level of comfortableness and are willing to bust their asses for it.

My own boss is virtually a self-made woman because of her love of working and taking care of her family. Her husband pretty much works for her as well.