Confused by girlfriends sudden obsession with "Clubbing"

[tacticalcraptic]

I have been dating this girl for quite awhile (6 months) and thing have always gone very well. We are both very considereate and understand of each others needs, wants and views. It's great.
But in the last month a very odd rough spot surfaced on her 21st birthday. She doesn't drink and says she doesn't want to. Which works out cause I am not a drinker either.
But on the week of her birthday she started to become obsessed with going to clubs and bars. Which is something I never knew she even had any interest in.. She said she wanted to go just cause she couldn't before but now she can.

After her birthday party she said she wanted to go to a club just to get a virgin drink and go to say she went and asked me to go, I went. She is a fairly naive girl and she was a little surprised that it was not quite the fun little dance party she expected it to be. All we did is play pool and drink some Sprite and then leave cause she said she did not want to dance with me in the publicly explicit way that was happening cause she sees me as a good man and does not want me to seem degraded in hers or my eyes and I thought that was the end of it.
Then the next night I am working and she says she is going to go "bar hopping" alone. This kind of scares me and confuses me cause she doesn't drink, so why does she want to go to bars alone?
I asked her why and she says it's cause she likes and feels the need for attention from people. I asked why she wanted attention from strangers and was not content with attention from me, her and my family and all of our friends. She said she doesn't understand why wants it. But it makes me feel kind of odd. I asked her to please not go "bar Hopping" alone. A young naive girl alone at a bar is a target. She said that I was being ridiculous and that things only happen to people at bars on movies. She got upset that I was very insistent that she not go alone but go with a friend.
She was angry but went with a friend and then later she said that she was glad she didn't go alone.
Then she said that she did understand my point of view and that after going with her best friend who had just turned 21 a few days later, she would be done going to the club. That she was not as interested as she thought she would be and she saw it has a hard spot in the relationship and she cared about me more than clubbing. I told her she could go if she went with her friends I just was concerned about her going alone, but she was insistent about not going anymore.
Things seemed worked out.
Then out of nowhere yesterday she says she needs to talk. She says she really likes going to the club and dancing with her friends. I told her that I was glad she enjoyed it. And she said she wanted to start going again but wanted to ask me. I told her she should do what she wanted, she knew how I felt about her going alone and she could do what she chooses.

She then brings up again how she likes the attention. I told her I did not understand again. She said if I was a wild type who liked drinking and stuff and hanging out at clubs and bars that she would have no interest in me. She likes my "clean, intellectual nice guy style." She says its what she wants in a boyfriend and eventually husband. But she says she sometimes needs to address her wild side so she wants to go just for "temporary attention from people she doesn't care about" I asked her what kind of attention and she said she likes when people are looking at her cause she is sexy and dancing good with her friend but if they ask her to dance or anything she turns them down.
This is to me, very concerning, it's like she has a double standard she only has an interest in dating me because I am kind, clean respectful, level headed and self-controlled. And she says she wants to be that way too (and before this whole thing, she always was) but feels the occasional need to break from that and be "wild" but she does not want me to see that side of her.
It just makes me feel lousy. Maybe I am being too sensitive about this but it really is difficult for me.
Then she says that she will not go clubbing if I don't want her to but she would feel controlled. I am confused cause she is normally so selfless, very understanding and so open minded, but when it comes to this, it's a completely different matter.

Any thoughts, advice, jokes? Sorry about the length.

[BusyBee]

Wow, that sounds like your girlfriend wants to have the cake and eat it.
I understand your worrying, I mean not that it is not perfectly normal at 21 to want to go out, dance and have fun, actually it's not really bad at any age but it gets more difficult because of work, respeonsibilities, kids...

What I think is rather worrying though, is the fact that she wants other people and i suppose men to find her sexy. One of my friends got into a similar situation. I'll tell you his story and tell me if it rings a bell.

He met that girl, whom he really liked, she was pretty, nice built but especially had a wish for a stable relationship and kids and had very similar interest to him, like music, reading, hiking.
He was very happy with her until she started wanting to go out without him, with friends. Her clothes were getting more revealing and she was rather touchy-feeling with other men. He tried to convince himself that he was just being jaleous.
He didn't like the fact that she kept smooching blokes on the cheek and allowing them to put their hands round the waste. He told her and she said that he didn't need to worry, that she loved him and that he was the one she wanted to marry and have kids with.
Until one day, he decided to leave work early and surprise her at work. She'd told him she had a meeting that afternoon. He arrived at the reception of her job and asked if the meeting was finished. The receptionist checked only to figure out she had taken the afternoon off.
He went home and texted her to see where she was. When she did answer back he phoned her and asked he what that was all about. She told him that she'd met somebody else, better than him, that she was way to sexy for him and that she'd just been keeping him until she found somebody better.
You can imagine his reaction.

If I was you, I'd ask somebody you know how she behaves in them clubs. If it's just attention seeking, fair enough but the you still don't have to put up with it.

[tacticalcraptic]

Thanks for the thoughts. I could ask someone but I don't know the friends she goes with very well, they are not the friends we usually hang around, with the exception her best friend who always goes with her. Her best friend thinks I am making my girlfriend "boring" because I have gotten my girlfriend more interested in painting, photography, photoshop, camping, Jazz and underground hip-hop instead of just their usual activities and music. She dislikes me to the point where she won't really talk to me. Not that I get many opportunities to talk to her alone anyway.

[BusyBee]

So, I assume, she wouldn't tell you the truth anyway. She'd be more likely to push your girlfriend another way, would she?

Could it be that she is the one getting your girlfriedn to go out?

[tacticalcraptic]

I hadn't thought of that. It may very well be, actually. We have both discussed our ethical dislike for strip clubs. Then when they were "out on the town" one night the group decided to go to one. My girlfriend called to ask if it was me ok to go. All I said was it's your decision, but I asked if she wanted to go knowing how she felt about them and she said no she didn't want to. I told her that she should do what she thought was best she didn't need to ask my permission. My girlfriend didn't go but her friend has been on her case about me being controlling and changing her ever since then. Though I do not think I am controlling. Maybe I am, but I don't feel like I am.

[hello1]

In the USA you have to be 21 to drink? in the UK you can drink at 18 so people my age are very used to the night life by age 21 and know what to expect. Your girlfriends likes drink and going out, which is fine! BUT saying, she wants to be wild and all these other stuff is a red flag. The next thing she be saying is she wants to sleep with someone else or she end up cheating on you. She's young and sounds like she wants to have fun at the moment which doesn't sound good for you

[BusyBee]

Has that friend got a boyfriend?

Maybe she's jaleous that she is loosing her friend.

I mean talk about controlling, if you girlfriend doesn't like lap dancing clubs, as a friend you shouldn't try and force her.

Or maybe she is scared cos before your girlfriend had you, she could get her to do things and now, she's lots her controll over her.

Maybe you should ask your girlfriend straight out about that and if she confirms it, talk to that friend and explain that you are not trying to steal her place.

[VincenzoG91]

In the USA you have to be 21 to drink? in the UK you can drink at 18 so people my age are very used to the night life by age 21 and know what to expect. Your girlfriends likes drink and going out, which is fine! BUT saying, she wants to be wild and all these other stuff is a red flag. The next thing she be saying is she wants to sleep with someone else or she end up cheating on you. She's young and sounds like she wants to have fun at the moment which doesn't sound good for you

In the U.S., you have to be 21 to drink, but you aren't expected to grow up until you're 30. This girl is too immature to handle a relationship right now. OP should dump her.

[lahnnabell]

In the U.S., you have to be 21 to drink, but you aren't expected to grow up until you're 30. This girl is too immature to handle a relationship right now. OP should dump her.

THIS. She just turned 21, and is now figuring out all the fun stuff that immature adults can do. She wants to go out with or without her friends, but never with you. You are her boyfriend and would prevent her from getting the attention she desires from men.

You mentioned marriage and a stable life together... Well, she's not ready for that. Quite frankly, neither are you. You both have some growing up to do before you should even think about marriage.

[girl68]

The reason she goes to clubs for attention is a really easy one: she's insecure. I'd know I was and to a degree still am doing the exact same thing. And I'm 26. I'm not immature, but I am insecure. I'm also mature enough to realize this and seek help. I'm seeing a counsellor for this.

I disagree with the notion she's too immature for a relationship as well as all the claims she's going to cheat (she could, but I don't she's looking too; attention seeking doesn't necessarily lead to cheating for myself- it never did, ever.)

Anyways- good on you for being adament on her not going alone- that is scary for sure. She should never go alone, that's not jealousy, that's safety.

Suggest you go with her and a bunch of friends. Tell her you can dance with her and it can be as sexual or as non sexual as you want. She doesn't have to spead her legs and grind her vaj jaja on your leg.

Then you really have to address that attention need. And you have to start understanding. Her saying I don't know is saying she doesn't understand why she finds being appealing to other men soooo appealing to her. Was she dorky and geeky in HS and no one wanted her? I was, then I guess I grew into myself and I suppose am fairly attractive (with still low confidence) and I too, find myself seeking attention from men other than my bf. (I will repeat I've never cheated). She needs to work on feeling better/ more attractive to all people without going to the clubs and being all sexy. I am doing exactly that. I'm trying to find self worth in myself that isn't about looks, figure, or how short my skirt is. She needs to as well.

In the meantime telling her how wonderful she is (not how sexy) being specific doesn't hurt either.

Hope something in my post was useful. I see much of myself in her, and I don't think she or myself is immature- she just needs a little self love. Oh and she's also been very sheltered and is learning how much fun a party can be and I don't think there's much wrong in that... besides her current reasons...

[Gigabitch]

It's just a phase, but it's one that could really mess up your future together if you both aren't careful. Try not to get too jealous and impress upon her the importance of looking at the big picture of her life and not making any huge, horrible mistakes.

[tacticalcraptic]

Thanks for the responses folks. No her friend does not have a boyfriend nor has she ever had one. I actually don't really like her friend to be straight up. She is overly critical of my girlfriend. She tears her down for every little mistake. Which really bothers me. The friend had a moment where she was interested in this guy and she was really nice for awhile. My girlfriend (BTW they live together) said it was a very peaceful time. but then the guy ended up being a faud and all he wanted was sex and so that ended and now she is back to being unpleasant.

Thanks Girl68. I agree that she is immature but I don't think she is too immature for a relationship and I don't think she would cheat. And I agree, I tell her how wonderful she is several times a day. I try to focus more on things I think are great about her personality cause all and all, that is why I love her. She is very pretty and I tell her that too but try to focus less on that cause, to me, that is less important than her spiritual/mental self or whatever folks call it.
She doesn't like me to go with her. She knows I am uncomfortable in those situations. She knows how badly I hate bars and clubs even though I don't really tell her that I hate them.

I understand this gigabitch. Which is hard, cause I don't want to cause problems but whenever I tell her how I feel about this situation, she takes it as me being critical. Which I hate cause I try to never be critical. I just feel odd about the whole. We can talk freely about anything in the world.
Nothing has ever been a problem. but when it comes to this subject it's like it's off limits. She will grumpy the whole rest of the day if it even comes up.

[tacticalcraptic]

One other thing I find a bummer is that she puts alot more effort into her hair, cloths and makeup when she goes out to than club than she ever does when we are going to be together. Even for special nights like 6 month mark date and such.

[girl68]

You didn't address anything I said about where this actually stems from. Her insecurities and low self confidence. This is her problem, she needs to work to fix it. Believe me when I say it's no easy task. I'm having a damn hard time believing I'm more than just a pretty face on a thin frame.

[tacticalcraptic]

I saw that point and I agree completely she has low self esteem and is a little insecure. And I am too, but I have no desire to seek attention of strangers like that. I do other things like post artwork where people can maybe see it and I can get good feed back and I love taking art projects I do into my college classes cause the teacher and class always say that my work is very good. I understand that need for attention to keep myself going and feel good about myself. But I cannot understand why she seeks attention in ways that are potentially dangerous to our relationship. She has so many other talents than looking sexy. Why does she insist on it being in this way? The way you explain yourself girl68 makes me feel like you are like her in this way and understand her. Why would you guess she is so insistent on gaining attention in this specific way?