Our story - advices needed please

[curcuma]

Hi everyone,

I would like to sum up the story with my gf first, because there are a lot of details and it would be too long to write everything at once, and difficult for you to read everything. Questions and answers will come with new replies .

Well, let's start :

I'm a man, age : 31 from France.
One year and three months ago, I travelled to japan for one month hollydays and I met a woman, same age there (we were penpals since several months allready). After a few dates, we were into a relationship (jp relationship criterias).
Both of us had a wonderfull month and I went back to france with high sadness. She convinced me to hang on and continue into a long distance relationship (LDR is not common at all in french relationship culture).
Anyway, my decision was taken to do it, because I felt that she and I matched so well.

4 days after that, I had in my appartment an health problem that suddenly made me fall down on the ground. I went to the hospital to know what happened.
The answer is terrible : cancer. A serious one.

I told her things little by little. She was wonderfull with me. We exchanged days everyday, and slowly we learnt better who each other was (at the same time, I did all the needed things for the illness, and I'm still doing them. That's a long process). I discovered that this woman was the one I was seeking since always.
My first year of treatment went pretty well. I could work like a normal person, and have an almost normal life, but couldn't go very far from home because the Dr asked and the illness was still not stabilized.

She visited me twice in france, spending a lot of money for that. We had some very nice hollidays together.
I asked the Dr if I could take the plane to see her in japan. It was my turn ! Dr said : if next MRI is ok, you can go without any problem !
Next MRI was not so good and I couldn't go because I needed a new treatment during several monts.

I think that she has been so disapointed that I couldn't come, and even if as a lot of men, I can be too much paranoid when it's a matter of women and relationships, I think that she sent me several signals that make me think that I will be dumped. but she didn't say things clearly, and I don't find courage to ask yet. My plan is to sent her an handwritten letter.

a few informations :
- 6 months ago, for the valentine's day, she sent me a really wonderfull love message. I showed it to my female japanese friends, they acknowledged that a jp girl who is sending that is in love. No doubt about it.
I did the same, and trust me : this woman is the one of my life, and if I could remove this terrible illness from me, I would do anything to get close of her as fast as possible.
- she wants to be married, to get babies and 6 months ago, she was ok to came to live in france (I don't know now). she want's a normal familly life. That's normal and very important for her (and I)
Some of her friends are allready married, pregnant... she envy them.
- being seriously ill is like full time job. You have appointments very often and you're very tired. currently I'm not strong enough to seek a job for here, and at the same time endure what I need to endure because of my illness. I'm not sure that she is understanding how hard it is, and of course I don't say every little detail to her to avoid to give extra pressure.
- at the beginning of our relationships, she made some important choices : long distance and being with someone ill. I'm afraid that we didn't talked that much of that together.. but I was so shocked at that time...
my mind was not clear at all. Maybe now whe is realising that she made the wrong choices ?
- in the past, Dr removed her a tumor somewhere. Luckily, not a dangerous one, but she waited a long time with fear before to know the result.


Do you think that it's possible to truely love someone and a few months later because of that kind of problems, that this feeling is gone because he is ill and that makes your future unsure.

For me the question is : how deep is her love.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the language errors. Ask me if you need more explainations.

Curcuma

[AirbenderAang]

Both of us had a wonderfull month and I went back to france with high sadness. She convinced me to hang on and continue into a long distance relationship (LDR is not common at all in french relationship culture). Anyway, my decision was taken to do it, because I felt that she and I matched so well.

You almost broke it off with her already, but you decided to stick it through with the hope that "someday" things will work out. Now that someday is in serious jeopardy. There is a good chance she will dump you. If having a normal life is important to her, then she has to realize that you represent a lot of potential pain. I kind of think it would be better if she did break up with you. The worst case scenario is if she stays with you, gives everything to you, and receives nothing in return. That is what I am afraid of. Please don't take from her if you have very little to give in return.

[curcuma]

Thanks for your reply.

You're right, I almost broke it off. She was aware of that and I confessed her that this was true but my mind changed thanks to her. She said that she couldn't stop like that. And that's one of the thing that I liked in her.
I learnt to know her well and believe me, this is not illness-related. I'm not using her as someone to heal my mind because I would be alone if she wasn't into a relationship with me. By the way, I'm not sure that I would be alone if she and I were no longer together, even ill.

Who said that she is giving everything to me and me nothing to her ? I'm giving as much as I can. Ultil now, we are sharing the same things :
- daily life support with mails and skype. I'm always here for her if she needs me. Not physically.
- she is sending me postcards, I send her flowers.
- when she came here, she paid the plane and I paid everything else (hotel, restaurants, etc.) and I planned the travel.
That's not equivalent (plane is more expensive), but that's not a problem for me to send her some of my money for future plane tickets if I can't go there.
-I'm giving her all my love.

I understand the story with the potential pain, but that's a choice she did. Since the beginning of the illness, she was aware of that and decided to stay.
As said before, she had tumor too and now she have the potential risk that this thing can grow again in her someday in a maligne form. No one know what will happen in the future.

I don't know if you're married or if you are involved into a serious relationship now, but I'm wishing to nobody here to know what a serious illness is and
I'm not wishing either to you to be dumped for this reason if something like that happens to you someday.

A serious illness is something that can take all your energy, it's slowly destroying your familly, some of your best friends no longer talk you without reason even if the illness is not infectious, Your coworkers say bad things in your back, and I don't talk of all what you need to endure in your body and your mind everyday.

I'm trying to get into her skin, and I understand her worries, but I think that it's a matter of love and ethics. It's like if I was in good health but didn't wanted to get a baby with her because later the kid may have the same problem she had.

What shall people like me do after being dumped if that is happening ? Someone will take us and put us into a garbage closed from the "safe" world ?

[AirbenderAang]

You earned my stamp of approval.
In answer to your original question, I guess no one really knows. I imagine that she does not fully know how deep her love for you it. You can only continue how you are going and do the best to make your relationship and love grow. Struggle and challenges will test your love for each other, but they are also opportunities for growth. Good luck.