Social drug use, breakup - doing the right thing?

[veggiebristol]

I'm on the other side of the world from my partner of 6 years who recently went back to Australia. She felt she had lost her independece largely because of my ultimatum, which went something like 'if you want to take drugs i won't be around for it'.

She has a difficult life story which needed a lot of repair. I was there for some of that healing and was very emotionally invested - a little too much. You need to understand that something like 60% of young people take drugs socially before 30 and I don't really have a problem when my friends still do.

I can't reconcile her need to go back and do it all again (e's, coke, meth, speed). I worry about the destructiveness of these things. I have found a happy path which is natural and drug free (except for some alcohol). I feel our paths have split because of my anti-drug stance.

For me, the risk of hurting people surrounding you if drug taking goes bad, and the suffering caused by the drug trade (google cocaine wars) are things I can't accept. The 'want' of my partner is too great and she says I should just let things be, -- she also wishes I would 'let loose' with her!!

I can't go back to be with her because I feel our differences of opinion will always be so far apart. She is stubbornly independent about making these choices.

We are 30 and were to be married but I couldn't face up to this if she was still doing things we were doing at age 19. I'm very much past the stage of needing or wanting drugs in my life.

I'm sure she would get past this hurdle one day, and for now I think sometimes I should accept it every once in a while. There is so much else to love about her, except this one $&$"*! problem which has split us apart! I need to make a decision soon and stick to it! This is not a situation many friends and family could understand, your help would be appreciated. I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Boisdevie]

Think you did the right thing

[vashti]

She's 30? That's too old to be acting like a careless teenager. I don't think your expectations are at ALL out of line. At work, I deal with a lot of people with dependency issues, and quite honestly, they are disgusting, and they drag their loved ones over the coals. I would never advise anyone to tolerate it.

BTW - I know you titled this thread "social drug use", but if she was willing to actually let a fiance go over her drug use, I think the problem is bigger than you imagine.

[veggiebristol]

She's 30? That's too old to be acting like a careless teenager. I don't think your expectations are at ALL out of line. At work, I deal with a lot of people with dependency issues, and quite honestly, they are disgusting, and they drag their loved ones over the coals. I would never advise anyone to tolerate it.

Thanks Vashti, yes she'll be 30 in a few months and it seems like a huge step back to me. Life is all about the journey and growing etc?!?! Her dependency is very mild as far as recreational drug use goes, but it has been the wedge between us which now feels like one huge coal-dragging . Thanks. Every word helps at the moment.

[Sensetive]

What drugs does she use and how often does she use them? how do/did they affect your relationship with her?

[lahnnabell]

Agreed with vashti.

[veggiebristol]

What drugs does she use and how often does she use them? how do/did they affect your relationship with her?

Hi, anything from once a month to once every 6 months. Cocaine, ecstacy, speed and she mentioned meth on the phone the other day - all in safe environments like at friends parties and less so at nightclubs. The thing is her friends all hold up good jobs and there is an emphasis on social or party drugs - never anything more.

The reason this came to a head is that she gave it up soon before we met, and although we never really agreed on the use of drugs everything was fine for 6 years, until a few months ago when a Facebook photo triggered a lot of memories and 'urges'!

Having the choice to do it is most important to her and I discovered that my strong opinions on drugs use was a huge concern to her. As a result she felt that her independence to do drugs was taken away. I've been in relationships before and learnt that compromise is needed on both sides. I thought that my compromise was to not be around when she is doing drugs. There are many other things about the relationship that were good and I've led her on for a few weeks now thinking we will be ok and I could come back to Australia to start things again... I now know I cannot accept the risks involved, the selfishness and the dependencies like Vashti mentioned. Our relationship will always suffer as a result. And I'm about to lose a lifelong partner because I'm unable to turn a blind eye, or accept any of this!

[asdfg789]

Dont back down on this. If she cannot be free of drugs, she cannot be a dependable wife or mother.
It seems like a thin line between recreational use and addiction - simply not worth the risk.

Stand firm.

Good luck !

[Sensetive]

If she's only using these drugs occasionally and is safe environments and it hasn't been affecting your relationship in a negative way then i don't really see the big deal. Sure if she begins using it more and it starts becoming a problem then that's different but if she's only using drugs every on average 3 months then I honestly don't see the big deal.

Of course everyone here is going to be on your side but mostly because society has everyone turned against all drugs except Alcohol which you even said you use sometimes.

Once every 2 to 3 months isn't much of a dependency. Unless you mean she uses each drug that often... TBH i'd stick to less addicting drugs than the ones chosen so there's a line to be drawn somewhere..

Also what risks are you referring to? the risk of her getting addicted?

[asdfg789]

Also what risks are you referring to? the risk of her getting addicted?

Wait. The drugs mentioned are cocaine, ecstacy, speed and meth.

I'm no expert on drugs but a quick check on Wiki indicates that they are either highly addictive or pose serious health risks.

On what basis are you saying that this is no big deal even if used once every 3 months ? It takes just ONE session of overindulgence to become addicted or to become sick or killed. HOW do you ensure this doesn't happen ?

[Sensetive]

Wait. The drugs mentioned are cocaine, ecstacy, speed and meth.

I'm no expert on drugs but a quick check on Wiki indicates that they are either highly addictive or pose serious health risks.

On what basis are you saying that this is no big deal even if used once every 3 months ? It takes just ONE session of overindulgence to become addicted or to become sick or killed. HOW do you ensure this doesn't happen ?

All the drugs mentioned here except for Meth only possibly impose serious health risks when overused and usually when way over used. cocaine and ecstacy are not going to hurt you if you use them responsibly.. Alcohol is more toxic at worst equally toxic to those two, not to mention Alcohol is one of the easiest drugs to overdose on. If she's only using them on average every 2 - 3 months then I wouldn't call that being addicted. Meth is a toxic drug that I'd stay away from.. Although occasional use is still unlikely to cause serious problems but I'd still stay away from it.

But I'm just giving out another way of looking at it since government propaganda and lies have brainwashed much of society against the reality behind drugs. I don't use those drugs(except for the occasional use of MDMA which is rare for me).

You can ensure that it doesn't happen by doing your research and knowing how the drug works and how to use it responsibly. 99% of the time people that overdose know nothing about the drug they overdosed on and were already careless risk takers.

Again just another way of looking at it..

[vashti]

I don't work for the government. I work at a hospital, and yes, you CAN overdose with a single use, even the first time. I know. I've seen it. The problem is that the vast majority of users are NOT responsible. They just want to get high. The fact that a woman (at 30 years old!) would be willing to throw out a good relationship over ANY drug use (including alcohol) is definitely a problem. Healthy, mature adults wouldn't do this.

Anyway, this guy didn't say she was addicted. He said he doesn't approve of the drug use. He is allowed to have that as a prerequisite to an intimate relationship.

[veggiebristol]

...Alcohol which you even said you use sometimes.

Well, alcohol *is* legal. For some people that's not good enough reason...

I don't know how to requote you...In a later post you mention that cocaine and ecstasy aren't going to hurt you and that alcohol is more toxic. But that's just wrong! You can't measure toxicity of coke and e. They come out of backyard labs! Just one wrong pill is, yes, rarely, but it is enough to cause serious damage.

A glass of red wine or a beer is not the same huge up and down you get from drugs....I don't ever feel the need to escape to alcohol and getting drunk is not something tempting for me.

I always used the example that if my partner said alcohol made her unhappy and asked me to stop I would give it up instantly - our relationship was that important. She's not able to do the same for me.

I can't accept that I have to wake up next to someone on a comedown from drugs for the next 24hrs. It's a horrible thing to be around. The whole experience of drug taking seems like a HUGELY selfish thing. It's nearly always done and at whatever cost to people around you. If you're not strong willed enough to resist social circles that do it, then you need to find new friends or take some serious self confidence and self respect lessons.

I've seen the costs of this with others. Some people don't think being selfish, or escaping to substances is a bad thing. But surely some selfish things must be worth sacrificing for a good, healthy, fun, loving relationship?



...The thing is I could be wrong - I wouldn't come here to chat with you if I believed I had this perfect. But thanks, I do appreciate points of view. I don't think I can do much more can I(?). I've lost something very important, but maybe dem's da breaks.

[asdfg789]

But I'm just giving out another way of looking at it since government propaganda and lies have brainwashed much of society against the reality behind drugs. I don't use those drugs(except for the occasional use of MDMA which is rare for me).

Government propaganda ? Really ? How old are you ?
Why don't you use those drugs since they are "SAFE" ?
What would you tell your kids/parents/siblings/loved ones if they wanted to experiment with these drugs ?

[Sensetive]

EDIT:

and yes, you CAN overdose with a single use

I don't recall ever saying you couldn't overdose on your first time. To me this would be like saying you can't die the first time shooting a gun off..which obviously isn't true.

Anyway, this guy didn't say she was addicted. He said he doesn't approve of the drug use. He is allowed to have that as a prerequisite to an intimate relationship.

Absolutely! All I'm doing if giving another perspective that's more so based on the reality behind drugs rather than what the general public has been lead to believe about drugs, which is important since it's involved with his decision.

Well, alcohol *is* legal. For some people that's not good enough reason...

So in other words it seems you may be unaware of the government corruption involved with he drugs laws so you're probably a little brainwashed by government propaganda if that's the case. For example research why marijuana was made illegal.. then research why alcohol is currently legal. you'll learn a lot of surprising things about the drug laws that you probably would never of suspected about how things like that work.

I don't know how to requote you...In a later post you mention that cocaine and ecstasy aren't going to hurt you and that alcohol is more toxic. But that's just wrong! You can't measure toxicity of coke and e.

I said they're not going to hurt you if you use them responsibly(that is unless you get something deadly in your dosage). And not me personally but many different types studies have been done on coke and MDMA and the information is available on the internet. See the problem with you is you may have given into government propaganda and that's what you're going by when it comes to this whole drug situation with your girlfriend.

A glass of red wine or a beer is not the same huge up and down you get from drugs....I don't ever feel the need to escape to alcohol and getting drunk is not something tempting for me.

there's all types of drugs and they all have different ups and downs, you can use pretty much any drug responsibly and they're are many drugs that have similar effects to alcohol and that you could use to wind down or whatever. Alcohol is on the less addictive side of drugs, but it's also on the most physically toxic side of drugs.

I always used the example that if my partner said alcohol made her unhappy and asked me to stop I would give it up instantly - our relationship was that important. She's not able to do the same for me.

I'm not arguing at all about what you should do on the situation and i do think it's wrong to give up a good man for those drugs.. However if you look at it from another perspective someone could argue that since it was occasional drug use that wasn't really causing problems that would make you in the wrong for leaving her over something like that.. Even more so with the deception behind drugs(the deception that Alcohol can be used responsibly but no other drug can(not even one of the safest drugs marijuana)).


I'd go to website like [url]www.erowid.org[/url] or visit [url=http://www.drugs-forum.com]Drugs-forum[/url] or do some digging around for something that's not controlled by the government and trust me if you've been giving into all the media/education systems drug lies and propaganda than you'll be shocked to read about how it all came to be that way and not to mention many things about drugs that you'll be surprised to learn.

Honestly I'm not trying to promote drug use is any way and don't look at this as me standing up for drugs, because people like to take it that way when really all I'm doing is trying to get you to see drugs from a clearer point of view rather than one based on many lies and exaggerations.

Government propaganda ? Really ? How old are you ?
Why don't you use those drugs since they are "SAFE" ?

I do use drugs but i stay away from the a little more addicting ones like coke, meth, MDMA etc. for the most part anyway I do use MDMA every now and then.

What would you tell your kids/parents/siblings/loved ones if they wanted to experiment with these drugs ?

Well if it was coke or methamphetamine I would probably advise against it but there's many drugs that are relatively safe especially if used occasionally. For a example one of the drugs i would recommend would be Magic mushrooms(psilocybin) because it's one of the safest and can teach you quite a bit and offers a good experience. Other examples of safer and less addictive drugs would be Mescaline, LSA, Kanna, Kava, Marijuana, Caffeine, Kratom and others.

Here's something you may not but should know, did you know that over 80% of the long term negative health effects of smoking tobacco is not caused by the nicotine? it's caused by the other harmful toxins in tobacco? The point of smoking tobacco is getting the psychoactive active effects of the drug Nicotine(otherwise the sweet taste of tobacco but this won't matter much to nicotine addicts). But yes.. over 80%! Nicotine doesn't cause cancer..

Sorry about the long post.