How do you get over a lost love?

[niki_boy_uk]

Hi it's my first post on here and I will give you more details to what has happened soon but to start my post off....How do I get over someone who I love so very much but a) can't live with but b) can't live without?

I've tried moving on and was seeing someone for a month but then I got the news that my ex was seeing someone. The completely changed my feelings towards the person I was seeing. I realised that this was just a rebound thing and really I was still in love with my ex. I've ended that and now all I can do is think about my ex. I wake up early every morning, hours before the alarm clock goes off just thinking about her. It makes me tired and run down due to the lack of sleep. When I see her to pick up our daughter my heart is racing as i feel so nervous around her.

I've just got a big hole left by her and I don't know how to move on with my life? Like said i'll give you the full story soon but has anyone been in a similar situation to offer advise?

[xxazurexx]

I think almost everyone old enough to have a relationship has been in this exact situation at one time or another or currently as you are. And we are all still alive and to tell the tale....and you will survive it too.

Crikey, I've survived a few breakups and the end of a ten year marriage, when he ran off to be with his new woman.

It sounds as though it's still early days for you, so yes, the pain of the break up will be still raw and hearing news about her being with someone else, will be hard on you and hurt you.

But what can you do? Absolutley nothing other than try to move on and get passed this. And we do this by occupying ourselves and keeping busy constantly.

One day you will wake up and the first thing on your mind, won't be your ex anymore. Trust me on that one....

[niki_boy_uk]

Hi and thanks for responding.

This sort of thing has happened before at the end of last year in fact. We broke up in August and we carried on seeing each other until for a few months. Then she got a new job somewhere and we drifted apart, she almost used me as a part time bf until something better came along. Then It turned out she was dating a 21 year old (she was 27 at the time) and introduced our child to him without me evening knowing she had a BF. My daughter even saw him on Xmas day and I didn't even know he existed. A few months went past and she soon realised it was a big mistake and it ended by February, she admitted soon enough that this was a re bound thing.

So I forgave her as everyone deserves a second chance and we started seeing each other again. We had a great 3-4 months together but she wouldn't commit in getting back with me. Again it was if she was using me as a stand in BF until she had better offers come along, we were having sex occasionally too. Everytime I pushed her away and acted like I had enough she would send me messages saying that she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. A few months back around June/July we went out for a meal and I wanted confirmation of our future. Things were going really nice until she mentioned that she had recently been on a date with a guy. This really annoyed me as even though it turned out that she didn't like this guy it showed that she still was open to finding a new BF.....(which wasn't me!). Again nothing was agreed and we carried on as we were and this continued to the beginning of last month.

The first weekend of the summer holiday me, my ex and our daughter went on coach trip arranged by the school. Originally I was meant to go but the previous week me and the ex had a bad week. She had a new guy hanging around her which was only a friend apparently but it seemed very fishy. Anyway it did turn out to be just a friend (as far as i'm aware) and I was probably rightfully just being paranoid. The ex said that her mum (my daughters nanny) was instead going on the trip and said I still wanted to go and was pretty annoyed at being replaced. She asked me to drive some 60 miles by myself behind the coach so we could all go and I would drive them home on the way back! I told her where to go and she turned around and told me that she would prefer me to instead so I finally went in the end! The trip was to Dover Castle and on the way there me and my ex was talking about children and I turned around and said i'd love a little boy to go with our daughter as it would be perfect. She straight away said 'Yes let's do it then!' I was like WOW! Anyway we had an awesome day together and felt like a proper little family trip, it was perfect

I took this that we were finally sorting ourselves out and in 2 days time it was her birthday (aug 2nd). I spent a fair bit of money on her and bought her some lovely gifts plus took all 3 of us to Chessington World of Adventures Theme Park and again we had a real nice day. Though we had a little argument about money it was still something I look back on to say that we felt like we were being a family again.

The following week things turned. She asked me to pay for our daughters new bed for the new house my ex was getting at the beginning of September. I told her that I didn't have the money cos a) I spend a fortune on her birthday even though i'm not her BF! and b) why should I pay for a new bed when It was her idea to move out of her mum's place just because she couldn't stand living there anymore!? It annoyed me as I was (and still is) living at my dads due to the debt I accumulated when we were together which I'm still paying yet she is getting a new place. So after that week (about the second weekend in August) I backed off and so did she. I started to go out with a new girl a couple of times, just as friends to see how things could progress but of course had the ex in the back of my mind the whole time. The ex showed no signs of being with someone or seeing someone until she dropped it on me at the end of August.

She texted me telling me that she is seeing someone she really like and that he was going to meet our daughter the next day. I was pretty shocked by this and couldn't believe how fast she was moving especially if she was introducing this guy to our daughter. Things then got progressively worse.

My ex, my daughter and nanny (my ex's mum) went on holiday for a few week to a caravan park in Norfolk. Nanny was only staying for 3 days and my ex and daughter was staying for a further few days. We arranged months before when were still seeing each other that I would meet them there after nanny had left, spend a few days with them and bring them home. Of course due to her being with someone else this didn't happen so I asked how she was getting home as I was a touched concerned. She said 'someone is picking them up'. So quickly put two and two together and said something along the lines of 'oh great so this new guy is picking you up?' she then said he was staying for 2 days and 1 night and taking them home. This appalled me, my daughter had known this guy for 5 days and now he was (and my ex never denied this) staying in my ex's bed with OUR daughter alseep next door. You may thing well how do I know this well fast a week from the holiday and this new guy is staying at my ex's new place in HER bed. This came from my daughter who by now had only known him 10 days!!

I spoke to my ex over the phone that night and tried to keep calm as I vented my concerns. She basically listened what I had to say but didn't give me any explanation as to why she's doing it. She basically said it was none of my business and put the phone down on me. We had a text slanging match with me basically saying it has every right to do with me when random ppl are introduced into her life and she countered that by saying our daughter really likes him so it shouldn't be an issue. That just sent me wild because everyone knows when you play with a child, make a fuss of them and buy them an ice cream etc they will instantly like you. They are young and don't know their rights from wrongs which why parents need to show them the way....something which she wasn't doing. I said this in a text and said that she is obviously an easy lay (yeah i know it was an immature thing to say) as she slept with this guy and the last guy in a very period of time. Plus slept with me when we wasn't even an item.

Later that night I still wasn't happy and to be honest I didn't even know if I was actually in the right. So on my facebook status I stated what had happened and I wanted an un biast response to what people thought about the situation. I got some 30 comments....every single one saying that she was 100% out of order and that I had every right to be upset. I know doing this was pretty pathetic but I just wanted to know that I was right standing up for what I believed in. The next day me and the ex took our daughter to school for her first day. When we dropped our daughter off I told her that I toned down the privacy settings on FB and she should have a look at my profile as there was something on there I wanted her to have a look at. She said she wouldn't and again a little slanging match started as I walked to my car and she walked back to her house. Anyway 5 mins later my FB alerted me that me and my ex are now friends! She accepted my request which I sent her about 6 months ago. So I gave it 10 mins and removed her as a friend. 2 mins later a text came through from the ex. She went ballistic!! Her words were 'don't push me Nik, I will embarrass you so much you will never live it down. your a joke a sad sad little man (i'm 6ft 1 lol!!) who needs little randoms on loser book to make himself feel better. Your not seeing M***** (our daughter) until it's off. Go f**k yourself loser'. Again many texts came back and fourth but she hasn't budged an inch. She told me her and this guy are going to have a happy life together with Millie and his kids and that he's a real man unlike me. I said to her that if I saw her and this guy walking down the street I would say something. He might be a 35 year old 'man' but in a way as he has kids also which makes him just as bad as her. He should no full well what he is doing is totally wrong. Don't get me wrong if he stayed over at my ex's house when my daughter was staying with me then I wouldn't complain as that would be none of my business.

Going back to her text message I don't know how she can be so sure of what her future holds when she's only been with someone a little over a month?? Look at me and the girl I was seeing. I was besotted by her 2 weeks back and now my feelings have reversed.

You all probably think I'm bonkers because I'm still in love with her! Honestly if I could stop these emotions I would! Even if her relationship doesn't last that long it would be silly for me to hope that we will one day be together. Our main issue over the past few years was getting time alone. She lived at her mums and i lived at my dads and they were always at home. Near the end of our time seeing each other she said that maybe her moving into her new place would give us some time together. Ultimately it never happened and I guess neither will we....

[xxazurexx]

It will never work out between you two. Her heart is not in being with you and it is likely never to be. If she thought even one iota of you, she couldn't and wouldn't be able to entertain other guys. And no offence, but she sounds a lot of a tart that likes to go between different men and often. She is playing you for a fool and quite simply because you allow her too and she can.....you are the father of her child!

She also sounds an irresponsible parent, who sees nothing wrong in introducing every Tom, Dick and Harry to your daughter. If this behaviour continues, your daughter is going to grow up exactly the same as her mum - in that she will think it a normal lifestyle, to have different men coming and going from her life. She may grow up, not being able to committ nor settle with one man.These different men in her life and how they treat her, will play a huge part of how she views men in the future. I think you have every right to DEMAND from your ex, that you want to know who these men are, that she is introducing to your child. I sure wouldn't let nobody I was unfamiliar with be around my daughter.

IMO, your main concern and priority should be your daughter. You are her father, are entitled to access to her and so I'd seek legal advice ASAP in regard to getting access. She needs a 'solid' father figure in her life and you are the one who should be playing this major and important role in her life ...not some guy your ex picked up. So get to the solicitors as quickly as possible. Don't rely on your ex to see her, because she also sounds like a manipulator supreme...in that she would and will withold access, if something doesn't suit her face!!

The woman you got involved with....well it was probably too soon for you to get involved elsewhere and you were not ready for a new relationship. It's best to take some time out and to be alone and when a relationship ends, or if you still have feelings for a previous partner. But one day you will be ready to go out and start seeing other people again.

[niki_boy_uk]

Yes after the facebook fiasco she has calmed down and has not denied me access to my daughter. In fact I see my daughter pretty much when ever I like so in that respect we are on good terms. Your right being a good father to my daughter is my first major conern and i'm doing that part well. Occasionally I admit I do say the wrongs things in front of her in regards to her mum and the new bf which I know I shouldn't do. Sometimes I wish she was 15 and old enough to understand, I'm sure she would agree with me then!

I know I make the ex out to be a monster but of course she does have good sides which i've not mentioned. Of course I'm far from perfect and I reckon she would have a few words about my behaviour in the past too, though i've never stooped as low as she has recently.

Her main problem and she admitted it to me the other day is that she jumps into everything feet first and without any thought what so ever, just has done this her whole life and is a big reason why we split up and why we're both in financial trouble. I don't think she sets out on intending to hurting me or anyone else but that's just what she does. I guess you could call this just plain selfish behavior??

Anyway we'll see what happens in the future. I don't tend on being with anyone just yet so i'm going to concentrate on other things for now. My daughter was born on my birthday so that is next week which i'm looking forward too but also have mixed emotions about. I get to spend most of the day with her which is nice and I will be taking her to a theme park as a surprise! We went there for our birthday last year with the ex too and it was a lovely day. My ex is planning a party for our daughter the following day but I'm working away that day. Unfortunately I wouldn't have gone because the bf will there which will also mean my side of the family will not be invited too. I think i'll be pretty upset when I hear how great it was

[ianoulla]

Hi - I am in the same boat, it has happened to me before but a long time ago and I did get over it in time, it took me about 6-12 months to get back on track, and now my recent heartbreak is only days old. All I know is to put one foot in front of the other day after day, if you try too hard, as I think you did going out with somebody else to find an outlet for your feelings, you end up bouncing back to the pain. I too am losing sleep, I have lost 5 kg in weight in the last 2 weeks, I am dry mouthed, not sleeping much, waking early as you do. Food sticks in my throat, I go out and I feel afraid, I have never felt like this before, I travel a lot, mostly alone and am never scared, now the world seems a different place. I am looking for him everywhere, his voice, his body, everything..... it's unbearable. We were never going to be together, we are both married and there is a big age gap, but I was content to be his friend for 3 yrs, then he wanted to be with me secretly, now it is all ruined, I wish I could go back, but I can't, no explanation, nothing, so every day, I just try to get through it for the moment. Everything about my life I used to love is a drag, what to do? Just know that you are not alone, there are others too, so I just send you my thoughts and hopes that you will come out of this as I hope I will too. If it is meant to be, your ex will seek you out, just hold back, if she wants you let her come to you. This is what I am trying to do..... hold back, but my whole body wants to phone, txt, email, which I have resisted, hence my joining this forum......... take care

[ChristianonLI]

Just do what I've been doing for the last year. Spend the first few months desperately trying to get them back at ALL costs. Then, when that fails, sink into a bottomless pit of despair coupled with generous helpings of jagermeister, pot and xanax all while in a darkened living room that hasn't been vacuumed or dusted since the love of your life decided to abandon you. Believe me, it works wonders, I don't expect myself to be alive much longer finally.

[breacliff]

Thanks for sharing. Just like you, i have been experiencing that also. lol. Just think of this, God has the reason why it all happens.

[niki_boy_uk]

I thought i'd share a little update with you guys.

So last week I told the ex that I wasn't doing so good and that I had trouble sleeping etc. Not the best thing to do but I wanted me to be on her conscious for what she's and I wanted to see what reaction I got from her. I said to her I was going to the docs for some sleeping pills and she said that she hoped I was okay and if I wanted would I like her to go with me. I told her to just leave me to it as her life was going so swimmingly and I didn't want to burdon her. This conversation went back and fourth and then an argument soon broke out between us after I blamed her for the way I am. Insults came and went with me basically telling her to drop dead. Obviously this was very harsh but I was really getting affected with what she was saying. Anyway later that night she text me when I was in bed saying that it had been on her mind all day and that she wanted to apologise for the argument. we had. She said she did care about me and hoped i'd be ok soon. I responded by saying that I think this was the first apology i've had from her in many years and that I was quite shocked.

Anyway the following day (last Thursday, the eve of mine and my daughters birthday) i got a text in the early afternoon from the ex and it was quite a shock to me. She said 'not that you want to know but i'm sitting here in tears, six years ago today i was in labour and we were waiting to find out if our bump was going to be a boy or a girl. Where did it all go wrong, why is life so hard? I'm not at work so could only get you presents from M***** (our daughter) but i'll get you something when i go back to work. Have a good day with her tomorrow (I was taking our daughter out for the day), i'll be in tears when she goes. I was pretty shell shocked when i received this. It took me a while to digest and respond but said 'wow i'm quite surprised at that message, it shows you still care which is nice to know. I think we both know where it went wrong don't we but never say never. It's impossible for us to work as we are but who knows what the future holds. Don't worry about my birthday, lets both make sure Millie has a good birthday as that should be our main priority.

She didn't respond to that but we text each other through the evening as our daughter lost her first tooth...just before her sixth b'day. Her text made me think that perhaps she's still got some regrets and also feelings for me which i thought she had lost.

The next morning she text wishing me happy birthday which had a few kisses (x x) on it which was nice as I was only going to be seeing her in about an hours time. When I got to hers to pick up my daughter it was the first time i had stepped inside her new house and I felt pretty uneasy as the place has no connection to me. I stayed for a bit and opened my presents from my daughter and off we went for the day. My ex didn't get upset last she said she would. I asked my daughter what she'd been upto in the morning and she told me that my ex's bf had stayed over and went to work quite early. This actually upset me as it was always me and the ex who would be woken up by our daughter on our bday. Now this fella got to see her before me. I said to my ex that I was upset about it and that it was pretty cruel especially after I felt a touch sorry for her after the text she sent me the day before. She explained he was only there a short time and he didn't even see her open up her presents. She also said that she wasn't looking for me to feel sorry for her. I basically said that she was back to her usual heartless self and didn't think about anyone apart from herself. She later responded by saying 'not that it's anything to do with you but Mark (her new BF) was in hospital all night with a sick friend who actually passed away in the early hours and that's why he stayed over because he was upset. I said 'that's very sad and i'm sorry to hear that but what's your excuse for all the other crap that has gone on?'

She didn't respond. We text each other few times throughout the day and she even sympathised with me as I had a 4 hour drive to Wales after I dropped my daughter off. I dropped my daughter home and left pretty quickly. My ex wished me happy birthday as I walked up the garden path and i just pretended I didn't hear and off I went. The last I heard from her that day was when she text me happy brithday and a safe journey after I told her to our daughter that I found our football which I lost on the roof of the house. I just responded by saying 'cheers'.

The next day my daughter had a birthday party around my ex's place. I was pig sick that I wasn't going to be there. I text my ex saying this and responded by saying 'you could've come x'. I replied by saying 'no i couldn't of'. That evening I called the ex to speak to my daughter and she answered in a happy many and I could hear people laughing and joking in the background. She said that M***** (our daughter) wasn't there as she went to stay around nannies house. As she was halfway through telling me to ring nannies phone I hung up the phone. I felt crap all day and after hearing her having her own party with her friends (and no doubt the new bf) i wanted to vomit. I feel soo out in the cold and pretty much unwanted it's unreal.

The text she sent me on the Thursday gave me a bit of false hope that maybe we still have some sort of future. Now without hearing from her since Saturday it was obviously just an emotional time for her and that her focus is probably on consoling her new BF after his loss. I again (rightly or wrongly) have to take a back seat.

It just leaves me feeling pretty low and useless and wondering about all the what if's.

[Ladyredd515]

Heartbreak is a hard thing to get through, but you will do it. It just takes time. I was crushed by a man almost 2 years ago when he promised he loved me, wanted to marry me, on and on, just to have him run back to his ex in the end. And just last month, after having the man that I really truly thought loved me and that I loved, ask me to marry him, and we made plans for the wedding, moving in together, etc - then he got a job offer out of state and broke up with me via text and hasn't talked to me since. Wouldn't see me face to face or explain why he didn't want me to move with him out of state if he had already asked me to marry him. So I was left thinking "what's wrong with me?!" But there is nothing wrong with me other then gravitating towards selfish people. And it sounds as if your ex is on the selfish side, she has been only part way in your relationship with you, and once some more time has gone by, you will see that, will understand that it would have never worked and you are both better off apart. And your daughter will be better for it once you both heal. I know it's hard, it's hell, but you are the only one who can walk the road and get through it. The more you stop along the way the way to think "I want her back, why cant we be together?", the longer it will take to get where you need to be. My suggestion would be to keep yourself busy with hobbies, etc - I scuba dive and hooked up with a new group of divers in my area to keep myself busy and it has really helped. Instead of moping over him, I am doing things I love to do. I even re-finished a piano that I'd been neglecting to do for close to a year... perhaps I should send him a thank you note for getting me motivated to finish it LOL

Keep your chin up, things will get better

[niki_boy_uk]

I accidently bumped into her new BF yesterday and he was not what I expected at all! He looked about 45 (she's 28 but looks about 18) and looked like a scruffy builder with a shaved head and sounded extremely common! She is a well spoken wel presented person which makes me think what the hell she is playing out!!!

[ginastar]

hahaaa so did that make yyou feel better?

[niki_boy_uk]

yep masively!! I just don't know what she's thinking???

[ginastar]

yea i have felt the same way with my ex.
maybe its a rebound?

[juliacates1]

Thanks for share