Cant get over my fiancees past...i need help...i need advice from someone rational

[djn002]

So before we met, my finacee was hooking up with a co-worker. They were f-buddies. And when we met she told me, because she wanted to be honest, which i appreciate, but it drives me crazy. I know hes a good friend of hers, and has been there for her in the past, but its so hard knowing she goes to work with him everyday. She'd text him "come out and play" or "come get me" when she was drunk at the bar, and theyd end up having drunk sex.

Now, i know, that all of that happened before we met, but its still so difficult to think about anything else when i know they work together. I mean, she still talks about the sex she had with him with her friends...how am i supposed to feel? Someone tell me. It absolutely is driving me crazy. I know it shouldnt, i know that its not happening anymore, i know that nothing will ever happen...but i still think about it everyday.

I also did a huge no-no and looked through her aim conversations. One of her friends that recently just lost her v-card, said the guy she did it with was huge...and of course my finacee said "large and in charge huh? I know of a boy whos large and in charge..." and her friend said "Like your co-worker, yeah, but no, it wasnt him...". I feel like crap knowing she still thinks about him. Thinks about his size...and when we met, she told me we were the same size, which if that were true, the example of the large and in charge would have been me...not him. I know my feelings are so irrational because it was the past, and before i was ever in the picture...but how am i supposed to feel, or act when i know all of this stuff about the two of them, and that she goes to work with him everyday. U know? I cant think of anything else... I feel like im going to have a breakdown. What do i do? Its consuming me...it eats at me, and i feel like its going to ruin my relationship....please, someone tell me something good.

I really need a boost...i wont ever admit it to her, but i am very insecure...and jealousy is something i never express, i always try to keep it in, because i know jealousy can ruin relationships. And, ive told her how ive felt, and even tho she understands, she does think im being immature for thinking about it as much as i do...which i agree with, but im human, and i cant fight these feelings. If i could turn off my feelings, i would, but i cant. Do u think i need to ask my finacee straight up...what was the sex like with him? Do u think i need some closure? Cuz i cant fight these feelings anymore...they are taking over. Help...someone please help.

[valhensing]

wow, man, you're insecure

Just ask her what she wants to do in your sex life and full fill it. Why ask about other men when u can just focus on being really good at it. "who cares about what he did, i know im doing well "

The confident wont come back to you after knowing what was sex with him like. It will boost your confident if you know your sex is good.

Is the matter about sex only? Because with girls, sex isnt everything... Not nothing, but also not everything

[Boisdevie]

Man, it should not matter what your partner did before she met you. I've never been remotely interested in what GFs have done before because that is ancient history. If you are jealous or can't deal with this then you need to find a solution 'cos it's eating you up.

[hello1]

I know how you are feeling. I found old love letters from my b/f to his ex and the other way round, that really hurt so I know the jealously you speak off. It really hard but let it go, it will ruin your relationship. Sadly everyone has a past, including us and you will never meet the perfect person who has a flawless past. This is more to do with you then her. Just keep thinking, past past past.

[INTJewel]

If she's so classless that she tells you details about having sex with this other guy, she's a loser. She doesn't care about your feelings, and gets a rush out of putting you off-balance.

[Petit Papillon]

I will now be on your side. She made a huge mistake. You don't say such things !! You just don't ! Even most secure person would feel insecure if she/he knew that their partner is still working with their ex **** buddy. You can talk about exes but if they are closed book. For her it isn't. If she would break up with you,OP, tomorrow her coworker would be her **** buddy again , for sure. Again, IMO, she did a huge mistake. And seems that she's not over him totally , OP , you have right to feel insecure. I would tell her this
" Since you told me about your coworker/ex **** buddy , I feel uncomfortable everytime you go to work. Since you already told me, we obviously can't change past but neither take back some words , we have to do something about it . I don't want to feel uncomfortable everyday ,and being in a relationship with someone shouldn't feel bad. Are you willing to do something about it ? "
For starters , if she will try to make you feel silly or ridiculous , you know the answer... The same with trying to change the subject... Actually, there is one way out of this problem for me, but it's most likely she will not want to do it... It would be if she changed her job... But she won't ... Then you have to ask yourself, do you want to be in such relationship and feel this way everyday? Life is complicated enough, you know ?

[MerryH]

Do u think i need to ask my finacee straight up...what was the sex like with him?

Gosh, no, don't ask her this. You already know way too much about their intimate relationship. Why do you know all this? Did she just volunteer this information, or did you ask her about it? I know this isn't very helpful to you, since you're already aware of her past, but in the future, don't - DO NOT - learn specifics about a girl's sexual history. First, it's really none of your business - it happened before you. Second, if you know everything, you'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it, which is what you're doing now. If you really must know, find out in general terms, like "more than 5?", "more than 10?" etc.

You've got to just forget about her past, especially if she hasn't given you any reason to distrust her. What matters is how she acts now. And stop snooping in her personal life! Those messages weren't meant for you to read. Forget you saw them.

You actually sound like a rational, respectful person. I think it's nice that you're thinking about all this, rather than acting right away. Jealousy is a powerful thing, usually pretty ugly, but you didn't let it get the better of you. Good job.

[Shakur]

I'll try to post in time. But for now I can say this: Try to forget the past! And most important of all try not to know about her past.

[justcheckin]

you are on a slipperly slope that will ultimately break you up if you dont fix it. If you are no confident with yourself; and your partner, it will slowly eat away the relationship. If she gets wind of how insecure you are with her then it would possibly make thigns even worse. You got to make her WANT to not be with anybody else and just yourself. Its not something that is just assumed. If you are good enough to her she will stick around. If she doesn't, **** her, she doesnt deserve you.


on the reading conversation things, you cant do that. You will always find SOMETHING that you dont like. Every person is different, every person will talk about different thigns depending on their background. It just so happens her friend was around durning the "co-worked" phase. Not her fautl, not ur fault. It just happens. She doesn't do it to spite you.

[nerdy_guy]

After all these advices you've got and you still can't get over it, I suggest you cancel the wedding. Otherwise, your problem with her would either be a constant source of argument, or be a fuel for another argument.

[Shakur]

I'm with you! I had a similar situation with my current girlfriend. People would come over and tell me she used to date this and this guy. Whatever, I used to think. But at the end of the day it hurt's. And worst of all you start thinking all sorts of things.
So I tell you, don't bother to much about that, live the present. Always remenber she's with you now. The past is the past.

[IncognitoSir]

I will now be on your side. She made a huge mistake. You don't say such things !! You just don't ! Even most secure person would feel insecure if she/he knew that their partner is still working with their ex **** buddy. You can talk about exes but if they are closed book. For her it isn't. If she would break up with you,OP, tomorrow her coworker would be her **** buddy again , for sure. Again, IMO, she did a huge mistake. And seems that she's not over him totally , OP , you have right to feel insecure. I would tell her this
" Since you told me about your coworker/ex **** buddy , I feel uncomfortable everytime you go to work. Since you already told me, we obviously can't change past but neither take back some words , we have to do something about it . I don't want to feel uncomfortable everyday ,and being in a relationship with someone shouldn't feel bad. Are you willing to do something about it ? "
For starters , if she will try to make you feel silly or ridiculous , you know the answer... The same with trying to change the subject... Actually, there is one way out of this problem for me, but it's most likely she will not want to do it... It would be if she changed her job... But she won't ... Then you have to ask yourself, do you want to be in such relationship and feel this way everyday? Life is complicated enough, you know ?

Could not of said it better myself. Whatever you do, dont get into a marriage with her until this is resolved. I can't believe she told you this stuff and still talks about this guy........thats a REAL issue. She's definitely not over him btw.