Cheaters!

[Faithful`]

Ok i'm not sure i'm comfortable with exposing the entire story but i really would like some answers if possible...

(1) Once a cheater, always a cheater?

(2) What is ur definition of cheating? Is it only physical or does virtual flings count?

(3) If a guy is caught out doing something that the partner considers to b cheating, and promises to never do it time and time again, yet keeps doing it, getting more deceptive and going to more effort to hide it, is there any hope of him changing or is he just stuck in bad habits?

(4) Why would a guy cheat if he is happy in his relationship?

[sparkle_jello]

Once a cheater NOT always a cheater. Sometimes you get into a relationship and you just don't care too much about the person you're with. Or sometimes the person is just too young and has some growing up to do.
When I was in college I cheated on a boyfriend I was with for 6 months. I've been married for eight years and I would never think of stepping out on my spouse.

[vashti]

1) I don't think this is necessarily true, although if someone makes a habit out of cheating, I doubt it would be wise to trust them.

2) This question is pretty subjective. I consider cheating to be a physical act, but extramarital emotional attachments can be formed that undermine a relationship more intensely than simple sex can.

3) It's possible he may outgrow it, but unlikely. At least, not in the relationship with the woman who has consistently forgiven him for his misdeeds. Why should he change when it's not a deal-breaker for her?

4) I've been told that men (that are the cheating type) only need the opportunity, while women need a reason.

[Faithful`]

Once a cheater NOT always a cheater. Sometimes you get into a relationship and you just don't care too much about the person you're with. Or sometimes the person is just too young and has some growing up to do.
When I was in college I cheated on a boyfriend I was with for 6 months. I've been married for eight years and I would never think of stepping out on my spouse.

Maybe because he was ur bf not ur husband? This happened with my husband of less than 2 years!

[sparkle_jello]

Maybe because he was ur bf not ur husband? This happened with my husband of less than 2 years!

In this case it would all all depend on how you found out. If he came clean I would say it's better to be married to a cheater than a liar; however, if you found out on your own that's a tough one... I would never stay with a liar.

[Faithful`]

1) I don't think this is necessarily true, although if someone makes a habit out of cheating, I doubt it would be wise to trust them.

2) This question is pretty subjective. I consider cheating to be a physical act, but extramarital emotional attachments can be formed that undermine a relationship more intensely than simple sex can.

3) It's possible he may outgrow it, but unlikely. At least, not in the relationship with the woman who has consistently forgiven him for his misdeeds. Why should he change when it's not a deal-breaker for her?

4) I've been told that men (that are the cheating type) only need the opportunity, while women need a reason.

It was over the internet, nothing physical or emotional. I thought it might b a maturity thing, he is 26 and i am 24. As for the deal-breaker part, i kicked him out for a while when i found out. So yea i think he knows i'm very serious this time. He has even said to me that he has a lot more to loose than i do. He will b loosing a loving wife and a beautiful 2 month old baby, but i would b fine without him and would move on with someone else just fine.

Should i keep on going even though i can't bring myself to love him like i used to?

[Faithful`]

In this case it would all all depend on how you found out. If he came clean I would say it's better to be married to a cheater than a liar; however, if you found out on your own that's a tough one... I would never stay with a liar.

I found out on my own. He would have never confessed, he isn't that type of person. He would never come right out and tell me something. But this time, i confronted him about the secret mobile and he blurted everything else out. Which is huge for him because he would never do something like that usually. He wanted to show me that he was trying to come clean and b honest. The thing is, i feel as though it is just the tip of the ice burg. I dunno maybe i'm still hurt and i'm having a hard time getting over it. I dunno anymore...

[doppelgaenger]

Ok i'm not sure i'm comfortable with exposing the entire story but i really would like some answers if possible...

(1) Once a cheater, always a cheater?

(2) What is ur definition of cheating? Is it only physical or does virtual flings count?

(3) If a guy is caught out doing something that the partner considers to b cheating, and promises to never do it time and time again, yet keeps doing it, getting more deceptive and going to more effort to hide it, is there any hope of him changing or is he just stuck in bad habits?

(4) Why would a guy cheat if he is happy in his relationship?

1. I would say a person who cheats is usually dishonest in general and lacks responsibility. They usually have certain personality attributes that lead to the act of cheating. There are certainly many more people who think about cheating or have lustful thoughts about other people than people who have actually cheated, who have those same attributes. I think it's best in general to just avoid them both.

2. My definition of cheating is simply being intimate with another person. I guess that means having intimate feelings for someone else or something as 'trivial' as holding hands with someone else.

3. Okay, what is he doing that bothers you so much? Sometimes girls get insecure and manipulative and that's not fair at all to us. I've been in relationships where my exes actually forced me not to have certain female friends (I had to choose between my ex and my friends) and that was beyond ridiculous. I went along with it for a little while, but I never felt right about that and I ended up resenting her. Of course, if you catch him kissing another girl or find him chatting with girls on a dating website, that's not okay. In any case, he probably won't change... and it's not right for you to try and mold him into your ideal partner because you have a problem with him.

4. Well he's either unhappy or he's just not into commitment. Some guys can't be tied down - it's in their blood to chase after women and being with the same one for a long time is too boring for their insatiable hunger for women.



Also, a comment on Vashti swearing that she's faithful to her husband - she often posts about her lustful desires for other men. She may not physically walk out on her husband to cheat on him, but she does have her eye on others. Of course she is more liberal about things and thinks that's okay - it's how she vindicates herself, but I can't stand people who are like that, who think they are faithful, honest, and good, but she has cheated before. She still has the same qualities as anyone who might cheat, it's just that the level of commitment she has now makes cheating illogical or childish.


Edit: Another comment since I now know you're married and have a 2 month old baby - it might be easy for you to move on and it he might eventually move on, but don't be childish about this. Now that you have a child, there needs to be some responsibility. I think it's in your child's (boy or girl?) best interest to at least stay together until (s)he is old enough to understand your decision to split up. If this guy's not having serious affair(s) behind your back, then maybe you should overlook whatever he did. Tell him this is more serious than some high school fling. Now that there is a baby involved, he has to get his shit together and be a man. No man is going to pull that shit and walk out on his family. I can tell you from personal experience, when a parent walks out on a child, that child becomes extremely resentful and sometimes rebellious.

[Faithful`]

Thanks doppelgaenger, i appreciate ur input. What he has done involves cyber infidelity. Well at least that's what he claims even though in my heart (and also from some things he has said) i believe that there is more than that. Also, he has done the same thing for a long time, pretty much all along. Throughout when we were dating, when we were engaged and now when we r married. I found out a few times and confronted him and he promised never to do it again, but each time he just got better at hiding it. It makes me wonder what he will do next and how he plans on hiding it.

One of the main reasons y i have stayed is my daughter. I can't make a decision out of anger or because i'm hurt that will affect so many people negatively. Trust me, i have been nothing but good to this man, and he will admit it! We always talk openly about things. We even sit there checking out girls together and i ask him "what would u give her out of 10" etc. I'm very easy going but i do lack confidence, and i try not to let that affect how i deal with him. He even comes home and tells me about the women that flirt with him at work and that he has a crush on a couple of the girls. Sure that bothers me but i don't do anything about it, just tease him every now and then. So no, i'm not controlling him in any way. It's not because of something he is missing from me, i think ur right when u say that he is just chasing women. He has never been in a serious relationship before me and is used to doing what he wants, when he wants with no consequences. He has to do a lot of growing up. But deep down i feel like im setting myself up for more heartache...

[doppelgaenger]

You sound like you're in the same predicament as my mother (I live on my own, am in my last year of college) She remarried a few years ago and we moved out west so she could be with this guy. She ended up having my little sister. My mom found out days after she was born that my step dad was checking his account on some dating site and she's been checking his mail pretty much every day for years since then. She always talks to me about it, it's really annoying - once she made a fake account to see if he'd flirt and he did. It's really a sticky situation and my ma always mentions her regrets of moving out here for this guy. I don't think he's ever actually gone out and cheated on her, though. Still, I have a feeling that when my sister is older they'll split up and she'll move back home. It's really sad because I think the both of them are unhappy. They enjoy being together (I won't give all the details) but they spend a lot of time apart because of work and schedule conflicts. Furthermore, my mom still pines over my old man, but they divorced about 2 decades ago and really haven't spoken much since then - she just reminisces of the 'good old days'.

[Faithful`]

doppelgaenger - yea that's a fear of mine. I feel like i've sold my soul and now i'm doomed to live in a marriage where my husband is constantly lying and cheating, and i'm just going to turn a blind eye cause i can't be bothered anymore. I am only 24 now and he is 26. We both have our whole lives ahead of us. I even thought maybe he is just stuck into being a teenager. But with ur stepdad what's his excuse? He is a grown man! That's just not on, honestly. Has ur mother confronted him?

[doppelgaenger]

You'll have to tell him your fears. Tell him that he's not the only one who made the commitment, and if he never intended on remaining faithful, then you will be full of regret. You do have your whole lives ahead of you! I think the best way to avoid the issue of cheating is to be close to him. If you can openly discuss your thoughts and feelings without him fearing your wrath, then there shouldn't be a problem. If there's honesty and trust, you really don't have to worry much about cheating. Those are the pillars of love, after all.

I don't know what my step dad's issue is. My mother has confronted him and he was dishonest with her. I think the issue is that they are not on the same intellectual level - he has a doctorate and my mother is a nurse. I believe my step dad desires to have someone who is intimately close to him and since my mother is (no offense to her) not on the same wavelength, it's difficult for him to relate to her. They have different views on a lot of things; they're always arguing about something, whether it's about their friends or something on the news. There is also a cultural difference - he's a Sioux indian and she's white. Of course she admires American indians and the culture, though.

[DarkBrownEyez]

(1) Once a cheater, always a cheater?
In my opinion I find this true. I once had a friend who cheated on all of his gf just cause he couldn't commit to just one person.

(2) What is ur definition of cheating? Is it only physical or does virtual flings count?
My def of cheating is taking another girl/guy out on a date, kissing, sex, basically anything physical. But anything not physical is just plain fun. Like they say,"You could look but don't touch"...

(3) If a guy is caught out doing something that the partner considers to b cheating, and promises to never do it time and time again, yet keeps doing it, getting more deceptive and going to more effort to hide it, is there any hope of him changing or is he just stuck in bad habits?
Anytime a guy hides, is deceptive, lies and put so much effort into hiding it he's definitely cheating. If he's not doing anything wrong why would he be hiding it in the first place. But I do believe that some guy can change if they really did love someone that they were with..bad habits can be change for the right person.

(4) Why would a guy cheat if he is happy in his relationship?
Sometimes it's just all about sex. It may not have anything to do with u or your relationship. Men fall in love with their eyes and only their eyes. Some could be wanting something different a change. It could all be physical with no attachments. Take for ex) a good buddy of mine have been with his girl for 4 yrs and never once cheated on her...goes to Vegas with the guys for the weekend and was physically attracted to one of the girls they met at the club. Does the deed and comes back and acts like nothing happen...Of course his buddies wouldn't kiss and tell and all they would say is "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"...but eventually she found out and broke off their engagement even though it was a one time deal she took it to heart and left...

[breacliff]

(1) Once a cheater, always a cheater?
-No, i will not agree. Cheaters will not be always a cheater.

Theres a saying "Cheaters never win".