I don't know what to do :/

[sregi2]

Ok so I was with this girl for like.. almost 2 months (not long I know..) and we recently broke up.

She is the love of my life. We met over the internet, and we had been talking since 1st Jan 2010, we talked almost everyday so we know eachother quite well. We fell inlove. 1st time we met up it was amazing, wasn't awkward or anything and by the end of the day, we found eachother wrestling on the grass and throwing bits at eachother. She gave me a quick peck on the lips and then we hugged.
(Just to fill you guys in)

She broke up with me (her emotions took over) because I had been getting abit upset. About a week before we broke up, I had noticed she was talking different and wasn't as excited about me. I asked her if she felt the same and she said no, and thats why I had been getting worried and sad.

We live an hour and 15 minutes away from eachother, and we would catch the train and meet up halfway (at a popular outdoors place). But since we couldn't see eachother every weekend because we both don't drive yet, she was abit busy on Saturday's for awhile so we hadn't seen eachother for 4 weeks (5 weeks today). She works on Sundays.

She used to think the world of me. She would say how perfect I was to her and how I did things without her having to hint them. She really was inlove with me, as I am with her. Although we are still very young, we would talk about our future, and how we want to spend the rest of our lives with eachother. She even got to naming our babies.

That night I was upset, she had explained in one paragraph why she wanted to breakup. She told me that things are getting too much for her a the moment, and that I get jealous of her guy friends. She said for now she just wants to be alone and single, but will always love me (I'm assuming friendship wise), and that I make her feel trapped because I always want to see her and that I'd get upset otherwise. She also told me that she doesn't think she's ready for this, that I'm so perfect to her but she can't take the distance (the 4 weeks stuffed us up). She also mentioned that when we 1st started talking I was funny etc and I was always there for her, but now all I remind(ed) her of is how much I love(d) her and how I would want to spend my life with her, and that she wants a break, that she's over realtionships and love. - She doesn't want to talk about it again untill she's ready.
(- I reckon if we saw eachother instead of letting that 4 weeks creep up, we would still be madly inlove with eachother, and she wouldn't of lost feelings for me)


I need help on how to get her back. We talked more after what she needed to say, and she had her mind made up. (she was upset aswell. I spose it was the emotions talking). She wants to be on a break, and needs space. And she will come back to me when she is better and have a better think about what she wants to do.
Right now, I want to know what I should do, to make her want to get back with me again.

I sent her a letter about all the issues she brang up in her paragraph thing, just explaining why I was like that, and that I will always be here for her, and that I still love her and all (not getting too lovey dovey). Basicly just being understanding of why she wants a break, that I'm not trying to persuade her on her decision, but to just consider everything. (I would like to show it to help with my advice, but I don't know how open I can be with this). She told me she smiled at it and saved it.


I need her to miss me, but I don't know how. Since we both talk to eachother on msn alot (or we did), I think I shouldn't be on much so she cant talk me, and gives her time to miss me.
I definatly need to give her her space, but I'm not sure how much I should talk to her when I am on. And if I should start talking to her 1st, and how often. Like say if I'm on for 30 minutes or so, talk to her that whole time then get off. Or if I should talk to her for like 10 minutes of that, and then say goodbye when I get off, but I dont want her to get over me. And I also don't know how happy I should act, because again, I don't want her to think we are better off as friends or anything. I dont know what's best to make her miss me and want me back.

I have thought about all the effort I'm going through to get her back, and honestly, if I get her back, it would of all been worth it. We were inlove, and I know I can make her happy again if we get back together. I'm going crazy. She would text me and ask why I wasn't online when we were still together, or where I was. It's so hard to not tell her I'm madly inlove with her and text her all the time. She is the only one I have ever truly been inlove with. My life has changed so much right now.. all I want is her. I know we are so young, I'm never going to give up on this girl. And I'm going to do everything I can to never push her away. I just need awesome advice ):

So I ask you guys for advice, and I'm sorry I wrote so much, I want you guys to get a good idea of how she is so I can make the right moves.


P.S, the day after we broke up, she said she thinks she misses me.

[thegetmyexback]

Sorry, I don't know if I missed it or not, but how old are you guys?
You can get her back, and that just happens to be my specialty :o)
You'll need to make you moves really slow. You're just too much for her now and she feels TOO secure.
I know girls are weird - one moment they want you to show your emotions the other they are scared of them.
So you really need to reset everything form now on to regain control.

This first part will be the scariest for you but you must - agree with the break up and hold of any contact for a about a month.

You need her to wonder if you really love her or not. You need her to miss you and you need to make her reach out to you

[thegetmyexback]

OH yeah and don't show your emotions, act as you really are fine with the break up.
Tell her she's right and you have been thinking about it to.
And for that month you two don't see each other work on your self, try to have as much fun as you can. You'll become more fulfilled as a person and you'll become more interesting to her.
Also once you see her again you need to really start flirting and teasing her. Make fun OF her - not in a rude way, but you want her to laugh at her self (hitting you in the arm is a good sign).

[sregi2]

I'm 16 and shes 15. I read alot that I should agree to the break up, but she really does not want to talk about, so like, I'm not sure if I should be like 'so yeah I agree I think it was the best thing etc' and what I'm worried about, is if she's like cool maybe we are better off as friends or somthing. D:

But yeah, I'll be like I'm good when she asks etc. She said she will come back to me and tell me what she wants to do (so I'm not sure how to go about the no contact thing, I want to get back with her ASAP :/ plus I got 1 week holidays left so like there will be a time where I'll talk to her again) so if she wants to get back, what do I do? And if she doesn't? Could I still get her back? She may want to meet up again when shes fine and everything.

And holding off contact with her will be hard, so far I've talked to her a little bit each day since the break up. And she knows I'm not such a going out person (I would really only want to go out to see her all day), so she will ask why I havn't been online etc. :/
Since we're both on now, I should cut it with her and tell her I've gone to bed? (since its night time here) What exactly should I say?


edit: Ugh so I was like 'Im going to bed, I'll talk to you later, goodnight ' and all I got was 'goodnight xx'. I was in a positive mood untill then. I really need her to fall inlove with me again :/. Less then 10 minutes when I appeared offline, she had gone to bed, sooooo maybe she wants to talk to me but doesn't.. I dont know.

[ConfusedAlex]

I'm 16 and shes 15. I read alot that I should agree to the break up, but she really does not want to talk about, so like, I'm not sure if I should be like 'so yeah I agree I think it was the best thing etc' and what I'm worried about, is if she's like cool maybe we are better off as friends or somthing. D:

But yeah, I'll be like I'm good when she asks etc. She said she will come back to me and tell me what she wants to do (so I'm not sure how to go about the no contact thing, I want to get back with her ASAP :/ plus I got 1 week holidays left so like there will be a time where I'll talk to her again) so if she wants to get back, what do I do? And if she doesn't? Could I still get her back? She may want to meet up again when shes fine and everything.

And holding off contact with her will be hard, so far I've talked to her a little bit each day since the break up. And she knows I'm not such a going out person (I would really only want to go out to see her all day), so she will ask why I havn't been online etc. :/
Since we're both on now, I should cut it with her and tell her I've gone to bed? (since its night time here) What exactly should I say?


edit: Ugh so I was like 'Im going to bed, I'll talk to you later, goodnight ' and all I got was 'goodnight xx'. I was in a positive mood untill then. I really need her to fall inlove with me again :/. Less then 10 minutes when I appeared offline, she had gone to bed, sooooo maybe she wants to talk to me but doesn't.. I dont know.

A couple of things. The first is that you had an online relationship for a while before you met in person, if I read your post above correctly. Sometimes when you start to interact in person its not quite the same. Another thing is that what she seemed to be saying to you is that you were fun to be around before, and now because your feelings are becoming a lot stronger, you express it more strongly than before. It might be a bit overwhelming for her.

You're ridiculously young, there are plenty of fish in the sea as well. I'd honestly encourage you to concentrate on school and use your hand if you need relief, rather than get caught up in all the drama of relationships when you're at that age. I don't mean that disparagingly, just recalling how messy relationships can be when you're 15-16 etc and how much grief it caused me.

The upshot is it all becomes a lot clearer as you get older, and a lot more fun. Hang in there, study hard, don't take relationships too seriously, and have fun. You'll miss these years when they're gone.

[ConfusedAlex]

Oh and what the "getmyexback" guy says, its a load of bullshit. He's on here flogging his book, I'd encourage you to ignore him, and wish some forum ops would come and boot him off.

[sregi2]

Oh and what the "getmyexback" guy says, its a load of bullshit. He's on here flogging his book, I'd encourage you to ignore him, and wish some forum ops would come and boot him off.

I believe him to some extent. I know we are extremly young, but that doesn't mean this cant work out. I know/know of people that have been going out for some time at my age. I'm not going to give up so easy. I've done research myself, and practically every website I visited told me to agree with the breakup (not just that one piece). At 1st I was like 'what the f???' and it does kind of make sense. Everyone is different, there's nothing that works for everyone, that's why I want as much advice as possible, to see exactly what I need to do. But from your reply, has tipped me from that idea.

What do you think is best? Yes we are very young, but that's not the point here. I want to know exactly what I can to get her back. I know there is plenty of fish in the sea, but my generation is full of sl*ts and sex addicts. This girl, is niether. She is worth going after in my eyes. So please, what do you suggest?


edit: It may be too late for the agreeing part because our breakup was a few days ago. And seeing as she doesn't want to talk about it, I don't want to ruin any chances that I do have right now. So I don't know how to go about that idea yet anyways.

[ConfusedAlex]

I believe him to some extent. I know we are extremly young, but that doesn't mean this cant work out. I know/know of people that have been going out for some time at my age. I'm not going to give up so easy. I've done research myself, and practically every website I visited told me to agree with the breakup (not just that one piece). At 1st I was like 'what the f???' and it does kind of make sense. Everyone is different, there's nothing that works for everyone, that's why I want as much advice as possible, to see exactly what I need to do. But from your reply, has tipped me from that idea.

What do you think is best? Yes we are very young, but that's not the point here. I want to know exactly what I can to get her back. I know there is plenty of fish in the sea, but my generation is full of sl*ts and sex addicts. This girl, is niether. She is worth going after in my eyes. So please, what do you suggest?


edit: It may be too late for the agreeing part because our breakup was a few days ago. And seeing as she doesn't want to talk about it, I don't want to ruin any chances that I do have right now. So I don't know how to go about that idea yet anyways.

Well, the standard rulebook for breakups says play it cool and don't be too keen, but there are a million exceptions to the rule. Every situation is different, and you kind of get a feel for it. In my experience, honesty is the best policy. You see her face to face, or call if that's really the only option, and say you'd really like to try again, that you really like her and that you'll try to be less attached, clingy or whatever you think the best word is.

As I said above, I don't bring up your age to disparage you. I just remember what it was like at that age, its confusing and your feelings are constantly changing, you're changing physically, its not surprising that her feelings or your feelings would change, not just over the long-term, but over short periods of time. I also don't mean to disparage the feelings you have, but what I thought was love at 15 is not what I feel in love now at 24.

The longer you know someone, the more deeply you care for them, its those feelings that develop for a person, over years, that are true love, rather than the excitement and anticipation of a new relationship, stimulating and exciting as that can be. The reason I encouraged you to concentrate on school and your mates etc is that its very easy to get sidetracked by something in your life.. if you do pursue a relationship, don't use words like forever and life together etc.. I'm circumspect enough about using that now, let alone when things are so much in flux like they are at 15-16

[ConfusedAlex]

And remember, relationships are supposed to be fun. When you're together, have fun together. Don't be too serious about it, and I'm sure she'll be back in your arms

[sregi2]

Well, the standard rulebook for breakups says play it cool and don't be too keen, but there are a million exceptions to the rule. Every situation is different, and you kind of get a feel for it. In my experience, honesty is the best policy. You see her face to face, or call if that's really the only option, and say you'd really like to try again, that you really like her and that you'll try to be less attached, clingy or whatever you think the best word is.

As I said above, I don't bring up your age to disparage you. I just remember what it was like at that age, its confusing and your feelings are constantly changing, you're changing physically, its not surprising that her feelings or your feelings would change, not just over the long-term, but over short periods of time. I also don't mean to disparage the feelings you have, but what I thought was love at 15 is not what I feel in love now at 24.

The longer you know someone, the more deeply you care for them, its those feelings that develop for a person, over years, that are true love, rather than the excitement and anticipation of a new relationship, stimulating and exciting as that can be. The reason I encouraged you to concentrate on school and your mates etc is that its very easy to get sidetracked by something in your life.. if you do pursue a relationship, don't use words like forever and life together etc.. I'm circumspect enough about using that now, let alone when things are so much in flux like they are at 15-16

Ahhh this is so confusing. Right now, I'm thinking I shouldn't go on msn/facebook/skype for awhile and give her time to miss me. Act happy towards her etc, be yourself, the person she fell inlove with, but then again, I don't want her thinking we are better off as friends. So you can see I am extremly confused of what I need to do. And bringing up again that I can't mention anything about us being together because she really does not want to talk about it untill she's good again. That's when she said she will come back to me and tell me what she wants to do. Thus being the case, I want to know what I can do in the mean-time to make her want me back. Eg. making her miss me. What "thegetmyexback" said, I don't think I should use. That idea seems more of a 'as soon as you break up thing' to do, and not an 'after' thing to do. I see that as taking longer then what may happen (seeing as she will get back to me, she may want to try again then and there. And if her having the thought that I agreed to it, she may think that I wouldn't want to get back together etc). UNLESS I could somehow bring it up without it annoying her and say 'Now that you think about it, having a break is the best idea' or something.

Argh I just wish I new what would work out best. Making her miss me with the situation I have set, is something I'm really puzzled about. She knows I'm not an outy type person, she will wonder why I havn't been on msn if I decide not to go on for a few days, then what can I tell her? I have a feeling she misses me if she asks me where I've been (like she has asked the other day after the breakup, and besides the fact she said she thinks she misses me) . I just want to know what I can do to further strengthen those feelings of her. Or anything else that will help me get her back really.

[thegetmyexback]

First off, I'm really sorry sergei2 for the hijack, I hope you'll find something useful in my post too, but I really can leave this forum without saying a thing or two to Alex.

Dear Confused, I just saw this and couldn't resist my last hurray here...

"Oh and what the "getmyexback" guy says, it�s a load of bullshit. He's on here flogging his book, I'd encourage you to ignore him, and wish some forum ops would come and boot him off."

I don't even know why I'm wasting my time on you, but here goes � my book is free. So I'm not flogging anything, I run a website with relationship/break up advice so I come her for the first hand experience with people who want to talk honestly about it like Sergei does.

And the load of bullshit par- that's really not nice form you since I've read literally hundreds of books on the subject of sex, mating and relationships - I recommend this 10 to start with to Sergei (and to you):

David Deida:Way of the Superior Man - great run down about sexual polarity and who we really are inside, what are roles are sexually
David Lieberman: Never Be Lied to Again � body language reading book, very good
Eckhart Tolle: The Power of Now- book that really gets into to concept of living in the moment
Nancy Firday: My Secret Garden- women's deepest most intimate sexual fantasies revealed, interesting read for any man
McGraw Hill:Who's Pulling Your Strings- book about manipulation and how we can be manipulated by people close to us and not even be aware of it, and of course how to stop that (does pushing your button sound familiar)
Mat Ridley: The Red Queen
Richar Dawkins: The Selfish Gene - this one is over 30 years old but still a ground breaking book if you�re looking into understating human attraction, sex and reproduction
David M. Buss: The Dangerous Passion - also amazing book that really explains the differences between man and woman and how they view infidelity differently and how dangerous it can really get when we play with fire
Geoffrey Miller: The Mating Mind - perhaps the best book on evolutionary psychology and biology, he present a ton of new theories that are related to Darwin, but has a new spin on it, great book if you have the time
Jayne Ann Krenz: Dangerous Men & Adventures Women - is really about what attracts women to romance novels BUT it lets you in what kind of guy do women want a hero of the story to be (hence what kind of guy are they looking for when they fantasize about the ONE)

I've took a lot of seminars and have over 50mp3's and have helped a lot of people via e-mail consulting (I can e-mail you the testimonies if you're interested)
Why? To flog my f::::ing book? NO! But because I really care about what people are going through, when I went to my break up I had literally no one to talk to.

Yes, Sergei is very young, but that doesn't make his feelings irrelevant or any less worthy if you're 24:

"You're ridiculously young; there are plenty of fish in the sea as well. I'd honestly encourage you to concentrate on school and use your hand if you need relief, rather than get caught up in all the drama of relationships when you're at that age."

He feels like his world is falling apart and to be frank, dear Alex, I feel the same way when my heart breaks - because that is what love is.

When we're in love (no matter if we're 15 or 50) a chemical reaction occurs in our brain. Do you know the term sparks fly between them, they had so much chemistry? That's not just an expression. Chemical named phenylethylamine or popularly called PEA naturally occurs in our brain when we're in love. It's very similar to amphetamine, and also like the drug, can cause similar stimulation. So we really do get high when we're in love and the chemical reactions in our brains cause us to do silly stuff.

That's why I advised Sergei here to take it slow. He's not think clearly now and he could make a mistake that could really cost him during this break up.

The process of attracting and keeping our partners is so automatic and a lot of times out of our control. I told him to agree with the break up cause of 2 reasons.
As humans we retreat from that which pursues us. It's in our nature. Especially if it's women we're talking about. Women don't fall for emotionally guys, they fall for so called bad boys.
Yes they say they want a sweet, sensitive, nice guy but they run off with bad boys. And not because they are bad per se but because of the way they behave. They don't try to confess a woman how they feel, they don't try to impress them and they don't try and get women to approve their every single action. Bad boys act confident, independent and first of all they are a lot of fun.

Women love fun. Now how does this relate here. As soon as Sergei started being too honest about his feelings his girl withdraw. He stopped displaying his fun, relaxed side and started do worry about stuff. He feel in love and he started to act emotionally.
So any guys best bet is to rally be a nice guy but have super high confidence levels, be fun and don't concern your self about what women think of you. Don't be a jerk to women, that's REALLY NOT what they are looking for. They want you to be a man and to let them have the role of a female. Be scared about how they feel and confess their feelings to you.
Sergei also said that she stopped complimenting him as much and that's because she's sure she's got him, she's just a little to confident about how he feels, so she doesn't have to be sure about how she feels - she knows he won't leave, he loves her too much.

Women love (not that they are aware of that) obsess about guys, they like to wonder if a guy likes them or not and they don't like guys who give in too soon. It ruins it for them. ESPECIALY if a girl is as young as Sergies is, older women are a totally different story.

Now to get back to women and bad boys, it's not being a bad boy that truly attract them but confidence they display. Sean Connery said, when being asked about dating advice, confidence, confidence, confidence.
Women feel a stronger attraction towards guys who are "alpha" now before you jump on my throat, I HATE the term, but woman's body biologically knows when a guy is more likely to have healthy offsprings and defend his family. I's scientifically proven evolutionary psychology and biology.
Do you think women feel deep inside that guys who display emotions are better at defending the family? Of course they don't.
Does that mean that Sergei should beat everyone around him he sees to display he can defend the family? again of course not. I'm just trying to help him understand how it works.

Sergei, or anyone for that matter can't rationally explain to his ex girlfriend why she should be with him, there is no WORDS that will convince her.
But Sergei CAN make her FEEL attracted to him again. How? Like I said by taking it slow and not displaying his weakness. Of course he can do that, but when time for that comes.
See the difference making her FEEL ATTRACTED instead of rationally trying to convince her to come back to him.
He needs to get her feeling stuff again when she's with him:

1. Make her feel uncertainty
2. Have fun when with her
3. Flirt with her and attract her
That's all there is really.

Sorry for the long post and now I'm really off.