Good relationship needs some tweaking

[Butters22]

Hello,

This is my first post so first I'll provide some background.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 1 year now. We met in college and I have since graduated last December while she won't graduate until May '05. So we have only been able to see each other on weekends (we're only about 2 hours apart) so I go up to visit her every weekend that I can. About 75% of our relationship has been over the phone unfortunately, but we've handled it pretty well. We talk every night for about an hour on average and sometimes we run out of things to talk about and we get those akward silences. Usually we don't have a problem, but when you talk every single night for an hour, things are bound to go wrong every once in a while. Sush as someone being in a bad mood for whatever reason, tired, sick, whatever...it can't always be perfect.

Last night we had one of those akward conversations where she got all upset because I was tired from watching election coverage all night and just wanted to go to sleep. My girlfriend is a wonderful person and I love her very much. I always look forward to seeing her every weekend, but I don't look as forward to talking on the phone about our sometimes boring daily lives every single night. As I said, most of the time we don't have a problem. But last night was one of maybe 3 or 4 instances where she got upset and was crying just because I wasn't in a good mood like she was. (She is normally a very cheery person and is ALWAYS happy with a big smile on her face)

I think the underlying problem is that she is too dependant on me for happiness. Whenever we have a bad phone convo she gets upset while I just brush it off because I have learned not to take those little things too seriously especially when we can talk the very next night and totally forget about the previous night...and then we see each other on the weekends and it's all fine.

My question is how do you tell someone that they are too dependant on you for happiness and that it's dangerous to be that way. I always find other things to keep me happy whether it be working out at the gym, playing computer games, or even cooking a good meal. She is very sensitive and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I have no intention of breaking up with her, I just want to tell her that she has to stop being so dependant on me for happiness when I'm not always gonna be in the greatest mood all the time like she is. She takes everything very personally whenever we have an episode like this while I just brush it off. How do I approach this? I plan on bringing it up this weekend when I go up, so I only have 2 days to prepare what I'm gonna say...requesting immediate suggestions

[loveisbitrsweet]

well long distant relationships are difficult in the first place, so I'm sure that is one reason why she acts this way sometimes. It sounds like she cares about you a lot and thats why her mood is effected by things like you being too tired to talk to her, and maybe she feels like you dont care as much for her as she does for you, because you can brush things off so easily. Some girls (including myself lol) get very analytical about things like that and want to know that you are as emotionally attached to them as they are to you. I can understand talking on the phone every night about the same things can get repetitious and boring, so just talk to her about that when you see her. Maybe come up with an idea to keep things more exciting, instead of making a phone conversation last hours of akward silences, call and say you love her and miss her and cant wait to see her again, but you have a lot to do so you will talk to her soon. something along those lines..the best thing to do though is communicate, especially in person when you have the chance. maybe even send her some flowers to let her know you are thinking about her when she isnt around.

[Butters22]

well long distant relationships are difficult in the first place, so I'm sure that is one reason why she acts this way sometimes. It sounds like she cares about you a lot and thats why her mood is effected by things like you being too tired to talk to her, and maybe she feels like you dont care as much for her as she does for you, because you can brush things off so easily. Some girls (including myself lol) get very analytical about things like that and want to know that you are as emotionally attached to them as they are to you. I can understand talking on the phone every night about the same things can get repetitious and boring, so just talk to her about that when you see her. Maybe come up with an idea to keep things more exciting, instead of making a phone conversation last hours of akward silences, call and say you love her and miss her and cant wait to see her again, but you have a lot to do so you will talk to her soon. something along those lines..the best thing to do though is communicate, especially in person when you have the chance. maybe even send her some flowers to let her know you are thinking about her when she isnt around.

Thanks for the response loveisbitrsweet,

We have talked about this in person before, and I have sent her flowers Actually I just brought her a rose the last time I was up there which was 2 weeks ago...normally she is very easy to please and that's one area where I have no complaints. She calls me a lot out of the blue to tell me she loves me and that she was just thinking about me...I dunno if she expects me to do the same.

I do try to please her as much as possible...me coming up to see her almost every weekend is usually good enough. It's like she's happy when I'm around and not happy when I'm not. But I think her stress level in school has a lot to do with it also...she's an engineer and is always swamped with work...so seeing me on the weekends is a huge relief for her. The thing is we usually don't have time to talk during the day because she has classes and/or studying so we always talk at night when one or both of us is tired. I really dunno what to say to her at this point. I still think that she needs to learn how to relax and take breaks from her work and try to do other things to keep herself happy other than depending on me. Maybe it's just me because when I was in college I was never under much stress because I learned to channel it into positive things like working out, no matter how high my workload was. Any other thoughts as to what I could possibly say to make her feel better? I'm at a loss right now.

[kronos51]

My girlfriend has kinda the same problem. The odd thing is its the flip of your situation, because she feels she is too dependant on me and worries about out all the time (even to the point of breaking up to make sure she can handle things on her own before continuing the relationship).

I think the advice of keeping calls short and sweet sometimes helps alot. I know I love getting calls just to say she loves me, and I know she loves it when I do the same. It will brighten her day because you wont have said or done anything in that time that she can analyze as anything more than you loving her enough to think to call her randomly