Explaination: Helpful/Hurtful? Long but I really need help

[mywitsend]

Hi guys, thanks for your time. New to the forum and here because I could use some objective advice.

I'm just ending a ten year on and off relationship hopefully for the last time. (But I've sadly said this dozens of times)This is the best shortened version I could do, sorry its so long but it is juicy I suppose.

Our break ups in the past have always been his doing, he worries about the future. Not sure he believes in marriage; the whole its not you its me deal. Which translates to breakup for a month or two; he dates someone else, then comes back for several months. I'm embarrassed to admit I always take him back, because I love him and he is a very smooth talker.

His family background is pretty disfunctional, a thrice divorsed father who openly discusses how his son should sow more wild oats right in front of me; a mother and step father who scream and fight ALL the time. But he always comes back to that, says he knows he should get help, see a therapist, talk to someone, work on his temper, change the way he talks to me, etc etc.

So early this summer we had a break up because he was sick of fighting. Odd, because we actually don't fight much. I really feel that he purposely escalates silly fights to make them breakup worthy. But thats a long story in itself.

Anyhow, next day he shows up to a mutual friends bday party WITH A DATE! All our mutual friends were flabergasted, as I hadn't even had time to tell them about the breakup. It gets worse, he "accidently" comes to stand ten feet away from me and he starts making out with the date! I start crying in the corner, feeling trapped and destroyed; so two of our good friends discretly ask him WTF and ask him to go to another party of the party. He calls the female friend fat, tries to pick a fight with the guy friend and starts yelling about the flaws in our friends relationships and who are they to judge. Very person details. It was horrible, and even almost got physical.

Fast forward one month. I'm pretty crushed, but not struggling to stay away from him in light of the situation. Some friends and my ex have made up, most have not. I struggle because I don't want anyone to hate each other, we've all been friends since school, but not at all comfortable trying to defend what was unexscusable behavior.

Month two; he shows back up. After dating another girl, he realizes I may be on to something when I tell him he has some grass is greener/peter pan fantasy. He begs, crys, and for some stupid reason I agree to give him ONE MORE CHANCE

Present day, dumb shit uses MY COMPUTER to post to an online forum speializing in how to game women; cheat without getting caught. Its been going on for the entire since he asked for his last chance. Which is three months now. I'm totally niave and I know that.

I'm too embarrassed to talk with friends, they all think I'm done giving him last chances. Plus they mostly hate him now anyway and I'd like them to make up regardless of he and I's situatiuon. I don't really want to hold this info in, it driving me nuts, but worry talking to him will only spread blame and cause a fight. If he's cheating (which his posts indicate) and I'm done anyway, does he need to know he's been caught?

I've broken it off, and he wants an explaination; I think he's owed nothing. What do y'all think?

Again sorry about the my life novel.

[MerryH]

If he's cheating (which his posts indicate) and I'm done anyway, does he need to know he's been caught?

I've broken it off, and he wants an explaination; I think he's owed nothing. What do y'all think?

What did you tell him when you broke it off? Surely you gave some sort of explanation. It's up to you how much you want to tell him, but I wonder if "wanting an explanation" is just an excuse to see you so he can talk you out of it. Smooth talker, right? So if you choose to tell him anything, maybe write a letter and tell him that's all he gets so don't bother asking for more. You don't need to get into a drawn-out back-and-forth sobfest. But really, all you owe him is "We've always had problems, we've discussed them before, and it's just not going to work out." It's not like this came out of the blue.

Good job dropping the creep. Stick to it this time! : )

[mywitsend]

Thanks so much. Think you hit the nail on the head. Told him I don't think we are equally invested, and that I don't trust him anymore, no specifics on why. He is trying to contact me, saying of course he's invested, he would never be unfaithful, I'm being insecure and unfair, blah blah blah. I agree this would just turn into another fight, somehow my fault I'm sure. I'm so tempted to tell him what I know, but whats the use? Not like he'll ever justify things or make me understand how he could be so cold hearted.

So I changed his name to come up as "Don't" when he calls, just gotta stay strong and stick to my guns. Thanks again.