New Girlfriend got hurt because of my past...

[Dolmetscher]

My new girlfriend and I are amazing together. I'm 32 years old, and I've never had a relationship that was as equal and deeply connected as this one. We've been together for 3 months now. She lives 4 hours away (we are from the same home town and re-connected on Facebook after 16 years). We've both been married and now divorced.

I am a very discrete man, so I don't like to get into the past: who I've slept with, how many, when, blah blah blah. To me, it's the past, and it's just the past. And she has always been the same way. When I left my wife 3 years ago, I kinda went on a dating spree, and dated like 17 girls in about 6 months. She just left her husband about a year ago, and she dated a few guys before me. But anyway... she knows about my 17 girls, and she has always made fun of me; calling me a "Man Whore", all in good fun. Even though I thought it was a weird thing to call your new boyfriend, I've just let it go, happy that she is so cool and open to not panic at even the thought of my past.

Well she came to visit me two weeks ago, and I took her to a bar where I go sometimes. One of the 17 girls that I dated was there. We only made out ONCE. Went on one date. Made out ONCE, and it was just a goofy thing; didn't progress at all. I am nevertheless very respectful of my girlfriend's feelings so I of course didn't say a word about it at the time, I just introduced them, and we talked for a few minutes and that was it. No big deal. Right?

Well last night, my girlfriend and I were talking on Skype, and somehow the conversation turned to me being a man-whore. It was all just jokes and laughing. No big deal. She was saying that there isn't a bar or restaurant in my town that we could go to where we wouldn't meet someone I had been with. Big laughs, ha ha ha! So, I let it slip that the girl from the bar was one of the 17. BAMM... all jokes over. She was offended that I would bring that up. And then she was like, "And don't think I didn't f'n notice that she just friended you on Facebook." (Which was true. She did friend me a few days after we saw each other in the bar... I did think that was kinda suspect myself.)

So anyway... this big hurt feelings argument starts about Facebook, and why I would bring her up etc. At first, I was just shocked the she was serious, because up until then she had been 100% cucumber cool about all that kinda stuff. She tells me all the time about guys that hit on her, and how so-and-so has a crush on her blah blah blah. I don't LOVE hearing all that, but I'm not threatened by it, and I just leave it alone.

I don't know. I mean, if this were just some dumb-ass girl that I didn't care about that much, and I was just hanging out with "trying to see where things might go", I would just be like "Whatever." and put it out of my mind. But since we really are in love, and we're starting to kinda make some plans together... I want to make sure and nip all this stuff in the bud. Do any of you have any advice? She just thinks that I am some kind of sex expert who has had sex with 50 women. Part of her seems to really like that thought, and she enjoys making jokes about it. But as soon as it gets "real" and I actually talk about something from my past... she gets SO disturbed by it. Of course, just not talking about it, sounds like an excellent plan. Do you guys think it's just that simple, or am I being too much of a "dude" and am not seeing something that I need to bring into focus?

[sparkle_jello]

After seeing several of our friends have marital issues because of facebook, and having an ex obsess over me through myspace, my husband and I just cancelled it. It wasn't worth the worries, especially when we saw our good friends who were married for 7 years go through a divorce over it.
I don't think you did anything horrible, but to friend a 'hook up' is kind of shady. It would be one thing if you had been friends for a while and kissed, but this was a girl you only saw in the hook up manner. I would be upset if a girl that my husband didn't really have any history with except for making out with my husband was suddenly friends with him on a social networking site.

[Dolmetscher]

Sparkle... Totally. I agree. I thought it was kinda scheisster of her to friend request me when I had JUST introduced her to my GIRLFRIEND. But I do admit that me click on "Accept" rather than ignore was a mistake. The "hook up" girl means 100% nothing to me on ANY level. I un-friended her this morning as soon as I woke up. And I went through and "unfriended" every person in my list that isn't a real friend of mine. I had like 450 "friends", but only like 100 of them were actually someone I would call a friend.

I totally agree about just shutting off Facebook. The only reason I don't is because I lived abroad for many years, and there are just too many friends that I keep in touch with that way. It really is a great tool for that.

Anyway... thanks for listening. Even though this morning we have moved on, I can't help but feel that there is a real inequity starting to show here. My girlfriend talks about old boyfriends from high school, and remember we went to high school together, so these old boyfriends were like my classmates and friends! She talks about guys that hit on her; about repair men that offer to fix her car for free if she'd just go to lunch with them. About waiters that she made out with after she left her husband, etc. etc. But I make one little verbal slip up during a joking period where she was making fun of ME for being a man-whore, which SHE calls me on a regular basis... and it's suddenly a major thing?!?

I'm just going to let it go, but I have to say... it does SUCK how a man is expected to take everything right on the chin, but if he makes one false move, then he is being a jerk. Whatever.

[MerryH]

I wouldn't be very comfortable knowing about my boyfriend's past if it included dating 17 girls in six months. I could picture myself making jokes about it or bringing up my past to try to...I don't know, be like "Hey, I also dated a lot so I'm desirable too, OKAY?!" It probably makes her slightly insecure so she jokes and tries to measure up to deal with it, only to have it shoved in her face when you guys go out.

And you're not a "very discrete man." If you were, she wouldn't know about your 17, and she definitely wouldn't know that she actually met one of them. Why don't you make a deal with her that you'll stop talking about other women if she stops talking about other men since you both suck at it.

[ammi00]

Facebook is the devil :|
On one side, I don't think I'd be very comfortable knowing THAT MANY things about my partner either, and I do get why she got upset over the Fb thingie...
But on the other side, if I'd knew things would be serious... I would rather forget about the past, and think that all the other girls were B.M. (before-me, hah).
I agree with MerryH - you should both stop talking about your past. You could tell her this, and that if she ever has any questions you'll always be sincere... but whatever happened in the past, stays in the past... she's now part of your present, and that's all that matters.

[Shakur]

Facebook doesn't seem to be the problem here.
I have to ask, why did you dated 17 girls on 6 month time? Do you feel it's to many? To few? What if it was her? Would you feel confortable with that?

[Gigabitch]

I don't think it's your past that's the problem, it's the fact that it's seeping into the present.

First of all, I don't think having exes on Facebook is a good ides. Ever. Even if it's just someone you made out with once. Facebook is not your "little black book".

Secondly, the fact that you didn't tell your girlfriend IMMEDIATELY that that girl was one of the 17 probably made her feel like a chump. There you all were, the three of you standing there, and you and this girl knew something she didn't. It's like you two had a dirty little secret from her. That feels awful, don't you think? Adding the girl on Facebook after that just compounded it.