How does anyone survive marriage breakup?

[Reprehensiballs]

OK, I've spent the whole night awake and have nobody to talk to, so here goes...

I met my wife more than 25 years ago, and we've been together ever since. When I asked her to marry me she refused on the grounds that I was not a Christian. I continued to see her, but also went to church and found myself agreeing with the aims and philosophies I found there. Some months after that I was baptised and at the same time became engaged. I truly believed in God, still do, at least I think so. We married in June 1986 without having had sex or really discovering much about each other physically.

Once we were married things did not go well for us, as if often the case I suppose. I left my job in psychiatric nursing, and with it all my friends, largely to find a job closer to our new home. We discovered that my wife had a condition known as Vaginismus which is defined by the NHS as :

Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vagina tighten involuntarily when penetration of the vagina is attempted. It makes sexual intercourse difficult or impossible (the vagina can completely close up) and it can be painful.

We worked together at trying to overcome this problem and sought professional help. During that period, no matter how much time or effort I expended on trying to interest or excite her, all attempts at intercourse were of course, rejected. It became difficult for me to initiate sex at all, since it would only end in rejection and frustration. Eventually about 18 months after our marriage we finally managed to consummate it with intercourse. Despite all our efforts we were never really able to enjoy a satisfactory sex-life until 1989 or so when my wife became desperate to have children. At this point she began to initiate sex with me and we enjoyed what I would consider to be a normal sex life until she fell pregnant a few weeks later. Once she was pregnant sex effectively stopped altogether until she was ready to conceive a second child 2 years later.

I feel I should say at this point that marriage is not just about sex. In many ways our relationship was very good. We have never really shared many interests, but seem quite capable of pursuing our own whilst maintaining a stable home for our children. Despite which, when my wife fell pregnant a second time, and the same thing happened again, I became rather resentful. I think I blamed her religious beliefs for our sexual problems, and gradually drifted away from the church. I concentrated more on my career than on my children whilst my wife built a loving home and cultivated her relationships in the church and local community.

I became the manager of a successful shop just off Piccadilly Circus in London and made many good friends around there. However, when the freehold of the shop was bought by new landlords they yanked the rug out from beneath us causing the company to cease trading. I changed jobs a few times and commuted sometimes huge distances, to keep our home together.

We eventually moved to Bedford where I opened my own shop. Once here I became involved with my wife's new Church and things seemed to get better. Shortly after moving here my wife wanted to train as a teacher and began her training. My shop did not do terribly well since the area became fairly depressed after we moved here, and about 6 years ago we decided that we should cut our losses and close it. I suffered a near total breakdown at this point. Worry over debts and the failure of my business combining to overwhelm me, but with support (both financial and spiritual) from our church I recovered. Perversely enough I then felt unable to continue going to church for a number of reasons, both physical and psychological so once more I drifted away.

I took a part-time job driving school buses and became a house-husband so that my wife could concentrate on her studies, an arrangement that was ideal since I was able to take holidays with both wife and children. My wife graduated with distinction in 2006, getting a job straight away and receiving promotion less than a year later to head of IT. This is where we are right now, my wife has a successful career ahead of her. She effectively earns all the money in our household, whilst my career is gone and without the church or a real career I have no way to build friendships or roots in the community.

I feel completely trapped by my circumstances, utterly dependent on my wife's income, no real friends to speak of. I recently began receiving treatment for depression, something I should probably have done when I lost my business. Now I find the depression has lifted, my mind is clear for the first time in years and I have regained some of my old creativity and drive. Nonetheless I still feel trapped and unable to initiate sex with my wife. We share almost nothing in common with but our mutual background and house full of grown-up children who are rapidly heading toward complete independence. With this sudden reawakening of my mind, I am desperate to make new relationships and find a life again.

I won't ask whether I should break up with my wife, I feel that is my decision to make and in due course I will make it. What I do want to know however, is where do I go from here? How does one rebuild a life from scratch, with a job that pays so badly it is barely even feasible to pay rent on a single room, far less eat or enjoy any kind of social life. How do people survive marriage breakup? What happens next? I feel so very alone and vulnerable, it sounds weak and foolish, even to me, but after 25 years with the same woman I am simply not sure I will cope out there alone.

If anyone has had the stamina to get this far without falling asleep or moving on I want to thank you profoundly for sticking with me. You obviously care a lot more than most people. If you can offer me any advice or hope then I could really use the encouragement right now.

[MerryH]

Hm. Well, so you're wanting to end the marriage, right? Or are you asking how to start from scratch while still being married? If it's the latter, I don't think that's possible.

If you want to be independent badly enough, you'll find a way. You might have to find a better-paying job first, or you might just have to live like a broke college student for a while.

I know you weren't looking for opinions on whether you should break up with her or not, but I have to ask: Is it mainly the lack of sex that's making you miserable? Let's pretend that tomorrow your wife wakes up and wants to have crazy ugly dirty sex everyday for the rest of your lives. Would you want to stay with her? I ask because as far as I know, vaginismus is treatable. Have you guys ever tried to fix that issue?

[Reprehensiballs]

Thanks for the reply.

Vaginismus is treatable and we worked through it eventually, with professional help. My issues now revolve around the fact that my wife and I have almost nothing in common any more. Sex is not the problem it used to be, but 18 months of being 'rejected' by my wife altered my behaviour toward her permanently in that area. We have managed for more than two decades with the sex, and if that was the only issue I would carry on persevering.

The main problems for me are that being so dependent on her for everything makes me feel trapped and also it seems just about impossible to build relationships with people outside my immediate family or career. I have no money of my own to pursue hobbies or interests outside of here, and even if I did the fact that I am married colours my interactions with just about everyone, more so with women of course. If I express any interest in getting to know a woman better, it's immediately seen by most as a prelude to amorous intentions, whether that is the case or not. Not being interested in sport, fast cars, drinking or other 'manly' pursuits means I am not really good at bonding with men. I'd far sooner sit and watch a rom-com or Extreme makeover Home Edition, or pursue creative hobbies than do the traditionally masculine things. I guess that makes me more naturally suited to having female friends than male, something which seems to be taboo in our society.

I would never try to make romantic relationships without at least separating from my wife first. Ignoring the effect that might have on my own sense of honour and self-respect, my wife deserves better than that too. Furthermore it's simply unacceptable to me to put another woman through the uncertainties and issues that would certainly arise from such a situation. Besides, I have almost nothing to offer up in a new relationship. No home or career, and a face that relies solely on my smile to stop people running screaming in the other direction. My chances of finding someone romantically interested in me are almost nil I think, even if I wasn't still married. What I desire is the freedom and independence to pursue relationships free from the societal restraints imposed by marriage.

Man I do waffle don't I? LOL

[blent]

At first you say you are lonely and that you want to meet more people outside your family and career. That's fine, go meet people, not all guys are only interested in fast cars or drinking like you say, so making only female friends isn't your only option. I don't understand why you're so afraid to make friends that happen to be women... your wife should be able to trust you by now. But that next paragraph has you considering being with other women romantically... the fact that you're willing to consider it obviously means you aren't happy with your wife for whatever reason it may be. I'm glad you've taken care of the depression, now where's that motivation to take control of your life?

[Reprehensiballs]

I'm not really sure how one goes about meeting people, the only friends I have ever had came from school, work or church. My work is such that I have almost no contact with colleagues and the other methods are obviously right out. Perhaps I should go and stand on the high street with a placard 'Needy guy seeks friends to dump on' Sorry, you don't deserve that I know but it's how I feel. Without even pocket money how do I make friends? How does anyone make friends these days? It baffles me. Perhaps all I want is that, maybe with some people to do stuff with outside my house I could cope with all the other stuff.

Perhaps all I really wanted when I posted here was some reassurance that I might be able to find some sort of life again if the worst does happen. That people do work it out, no matter how bad they feel beforehand. I guess that's not the case though, perhaps I really am headed for a train wreck. Anyway, I am starting to look, and feel pathetic now so I better stop. Thanks for the reply, I will probably appreciate it more when I have had some sleep.

[leoben]

I've known people who have come back from worse situations then your in. Have you considered going back to school at all? It would get you out of the house, interacting with people and help to start rebuilding your confidence as you worked towards a goal. With your wife now established in her new career would you two be able to swing it financially?

[xxazurexx]

I didn't read it all, but I guess this is why you should try before you buy. Least then you know what you are getting.

As for how do people survive a marriage breakdown. I've been there and I had no choice to get on and get over it. It just takes time and time is a healer. I just kept myself busy all the time, eventually I got there.

[ecenur]

MIGHT BE HEARD but takes some time

[thundersw]

How does anyone survive marriage breakup?

The same way you lived before getting married, alone, probably sad and hoping for a better time with a very hot girl.
Didn't read all the text (too long).

[YouAreBeautiful]

The question is do you want a new relationship because you are unhappy with your financial situation and not having any friends of your own since moving? If so, why is this reflecting on your wife? Or is there do you feel you've outgrown your wife? I am not sure but it seems there are two completely different issues working at once. One is general discontent with your current situation, and on the other hand you seem unsatisfied with your relationship with your wife. You like all of us deserve a great, loving, mutually satisfying relationship. However, I think you may be disappointed finding a new relationship with a new woman if you are still not employed happily and financially satisfied with hobbies of your own. A new relationship is exciting and can temporarily make you forget about those other needs, but I think you still need to find stability and a social group. Best of luck to you!

[Reprehensiballs]

You hit the nail on the head there I think. Following other advice and after actually thinking whilst actually awake I have come to much the same set of conclusions. I need to sort myself out before I go spontaneously exploding my marriage in a misguided attempt to find change for the sake of it. Thanks for responding, it's nice to have at least one confirmation that I may be on the right track.

[NewStart]

I agree with YouAreBeautiful. You will only be satisfied in a relationship once you are at peace with yourself. I have definitely had to discover this one the hard way! Good luck in your pursuit of self-awareness and a fulfilling life!