I'm losing my mind

[Incognito]

Ok, so most here know that I am unhappily married for a number of reasons. Anyway I was listening to Sade last week (one of my favorite singers ever). If you've heard her music before it is melancholy, but with a hope and a longing for love. I feel like so many of the songs she sings. I also wish that I could experience someone who could show me how deep love can be (from 'Cherish The Day'). I got SOOO depressed last week when thinking about my marriage and my life. I couldn't get a hold of my friend, so I just chugged a bottle of Unearthly and after my total hammeredness set in I went to bed. Midweek drunkenness isn't good.

At the beginning of this week I saw this asian woman walking near the apartment. I usually see her a few miles up on the main road, but never near where I live. I don't know what it is about her that caught my attention, but all I could do was slow down and take in the sight that was before me. I saw her yesterday and she was wearing some pink shorts and a pink top. Both a little thin. I couldn't really get a good look at her because my wife was in the car. I did manage to find an excuse to go back to the store twice just so I could see her again. I felt like 007, lol.

I started to realize how stupid it all was though. I have no idea who she is, or what type of person she is. That doesn't change the fact that it feels like she grabbed my heart though. ??? I got really depressed again today, mainly because I saw her again. F*ck!

It doesn't help that my wife rented 'Why did I get married too' last night. It was a really good move, but I felt myself wanting Angie (yeah, the crazy one). Why? Because she genuinely WANTED her man even though she didn't trust him (not to mention that she is fine as shit). She acted crazy because she didn't want him to leave. I really do envy him. All his dumb ass had to do was reassure her by being overly open with her to prove that he wasn't the cheater that he once was. I mean damn, she argued with him just to have makeup sex later too (although the arguments were about her trust issues). Give her the f*cking phone password and have her go wherever you are until she tires of you proving that you aren't a cheater. Simple, easy, and something that I would personally find very gratifying (proving myself to a woman who loves me and wants me).

Alas, that is only a movie, she is only a character, the asian woman is only a stranger, and I'm still in the same f*cking position I will always be in until someone dies. F*CKKKKK!!!!!!!

I have actually entertained thoughts of taking all of my money and just going to another country to start over. My big brain tells me that I can't outrun my problems though, so here I sit.

[Spoonandfork]

you lost your balls and now you're losing your mind. It's not looking too good for you

[misombra]

that sucks incognito. why not divorce?

[Mish]

I don't know how you do it dude, sounds like too much misery for somethings that isn't worth it

[vashti]

I don't know how old you are, but at some point, you WILL start to question whether it was wise to throw away so much of your valuable time being miserable. I hope you are able to be content with the choices you have made.

[Incognito]

you lost your balls and now you're losing your mind. It's not looking too good for you

Well since you obviously haven't been here long newbie this is something that I've discussed before and it obviously isn't an issue of "losing one's balls". My guess is that you're just another young, ignorant, typical american male. I hate your kind. Don't comment on things if you have no intention on saying something constructive. Maybe you can take that spoon and fork, and eat shit. Then go back to school where you obviously didn't learn how to capitalize and use commas. Mother*ucker.

[Incognito]

To the rest of you, thanks for listening and saying something that wasn't derogatory. I wanted this to be a blog entry, but there are no blogs here anymore. Oh and for our ignorant newbie, derogatory is a big word for "bad". Mother*ucker.

[Petit Papillon]

Incognito, but yeah, why not divorce? I forgot what was the issue with your wife... Why just not divorce her? I think you don't even have kids, I think ...

[Incognito]

Awww PP. Is that your son on your avatar picture? I hope that's chocolate LOL. Anyway there are a couple of issues and divorce isn't an option right now. I'm rather old school. If she cheats then I swear I'll come to GB and have a bottle of Cristal with you while I read over the divorce papers. IF she cheats, which is unlikely (mainly because she has zero sex drive). I don't have any kids, I got snipped at age 21. She has a daughter.

[Petit Papillon]

No, that's my nephew, I'm definitely TOO YOUNG for that stuff And it's chocolate lol

You shouldn't continue a relationship that lacks of any ,good or bad emotions... It sucks.

[Incognito]

Too young for what stuff children or Cristal? I thought you have a son already. Oh and I am fully aware of how a relationship that lacks something can suck like a pornstar. LOL

[misombra]

has the sex problem led to other problems? i don't know incog. i don't think you should be so dogmatic about not divorcing. you're gonna wake up one day and wonder what happened to your life.

[Incognito]

Its funny that you ask that because it has caused ME problems, but not in the relationship directly. If we were just roommates then everything would be fine. I already go to sleep and wake up thinking about the fact that I could be with a woman who 1. has a sex drive 2. understands men 3. wants me 4. knows how to really love

Strangely enough she was in a car accident last week. It was a head on collision, and some guy called me at work to tell me. I don't like not knowing details and of course raced to the scene. However I later realized that the whole time I was thinking what I was going to do with my life if they were no longer around. I was thinking about taking some time off from work, moving into a smaller apartment, possibly moving closer to my best friend, dating again, and on and on. They were alright, so I had to snap back to reality.

[doppelgaenger]

All his dumb ass had to do was reassure her by being overly open with her to prove that he wasn't the cheater that he once was. I mean damn, she argued with him just to have makeup sex later too (although the arguments were about her trust issues). Give her the f*cking phone password and have her go wherever you are until she tires of you proving that you aren't a cheater. Simple, easy, and something that I would personally find very gratifying (proving myself to a woman who loves me and wants me).

I don't think that issue is so easily resolved. I've been in relationships before where I was accused of cheating or being interested in/flirting with other women, but I was always faithful. Maybe it seems like a chivalrous notion to you from your perspective - proving oneself. It was never gratifying for me, though. It sucks being in a relationship where a woman thinks you're a no good cheater; feeling like you have no credibility is not pleasing at all. Usually a person who cannot trust their spouse has deeper issues and when you have to give up something as important as privacy so that she can be comfortable, it's resolving her issue at your expense. Whenever I was in that situation, I felt like a lab rat or a prisoner, and everything was a matter of trial and error - if I did something she didn't like, no matter how irrational or trivial it seemed, I had to change, and when I didn't there was hell to pay.

Unfortunately, I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months where the girl put complete faith/trust in me. I've always had to (eventually) go far out of my way, giving passwords to emails and letting them read my text messages in order for them to 'trust' me. I always felt like I was being monitored, and it was sickening. The only women I've fully enjoyed or was completely happy to be with were always mutual, short-lived bursts of ecstasy and lust; women who intuitively embraced my self image as something they desired from men, who seemed to admire everything about me. That could be a coincidence, but I know that when you're in a relationship for a long time, you become fixated on your partner's flaws/look for reasons to leave them or dislike them. And for me, every ended relationship has been a failure of adjustment. Marriage and true friendship should be the result of compatibility and tolerance.

[misombra]

Its funny that you ask that because it has caused ME problems, but not in the relationship directly. If we were just roommates then everything would be fine. I already go to sleep and wake up thinking about the fact that I could be with a woman who 1. has a sex drive 2. understands men 3. wants me 4. knows how to really love

Strangely enough she was in a car accident last week. It was a head on collision, and some guy called me at work to tell me. I don't like not knowing details and of course raced to the scene. However I later realized that the whole time I was thinking what I was going to do with my life if they were no longer around. I was thinking about taking some time off from work, moving into a smaller apartment, possibly moving closer to my best friend, dating again, and on and on. They were alright, so I had to snap back to reality.

you can make these things happening without anybody dying.