Is Divorce the Best Option?

[KNO626]

My wife Monica and I could not be more different. Usually differences can be resolved, but I'm afraid that ours might tear us apart more than they already have. I'm 25 and she's 23 and we have been together for about a year and a half. We have a 10 month old son, which as you can imagine changes the mechanics of our relationship. Going back, after a few months of being engaged, I saw many warning signs that I knew would come back to haunt me, so I called her telling her that I believe we should postpone the wedding to work on some things... in that same conversation she told me she was pregnant. She told me she was on the pill, and though it takes two to tango, she later admitted she didn't take them regularly. It was her life plan to have 5 kids, a husband, to stay at home, to homeschool our kids, and to later open an animal rescue, but that wasn't mine.

Since then married life has been pretty good, but everyday I constantly have to remind myself that it could be worse. Here are the problems as I see them: 1. The relationship seems very polarized. I'm the only one that does laundry, cleans the toilets, takes out the trash, etc.. There are times when I've left a few dishes to be put away on purpose, only to see them there after I've come back from work. Again, she's a stay-at-home wife, so I think I'm within my bounds to say she could help out more. I know I sound like a biggot, but I spend an hour or two every day (after work) only to do household chores and to clean up hers and the baby's messes. It gets very old, and I'm about at my limit. She's messy, and every night I usually have to brush off my pillow and where I sleep because there are crumbs there that she's left from snacking. I'm not a neat freak perfectionist, but I
do like things to be tidy, especially because our son is so young. I'm very interested to hear from women to see if maybe I'm too over-the-top and too demanding.

Problem 2. Her spirituality has become daunting. On my last deployment, just a few months ago, Monica "found" herself. She was always somewhat of a hippy, but read a lot about shamanism, animalism, and religions based on plants. I originally didn't mind, as she's always been young at heart and very open-minded, but now she uses her religion as an excuse. For example, I'll ask her to help me clean up something, and she'll say "Kevin, let's take a couple deep conscious breaths and thank Gaia for this perfect day." I love my family, and I admit I live a good life, but I can't help but wonder if I'll spend the rest of my life doing almost all the household chores for her. I honestly feel like I'm taking care of two kids, which is sad to say, but it's true.

3. Our Child Raising beliefs are very different, which her ideas tie in with her spirituality. She believes happiness is the only thing that matters in life, and that our son should just be happy. While I want him to be happy as well, I also place education high up on the list and she does not. With discipline we agree that spanking is not beneficial, but later on in life I know she won't discipline our son when she needs to, it will just be me.

It would be easy if we didn't love each other, and even easier if we didn't have our son, but that's obvious. We've been to a counseling session, but Monica didn't want to go because she thought our baby would cry in the room with the counselor. We have another appointment this coming Friday. I'm trying with all I have to save our marriage, but I also know that people don't change easily. We've talked about divorce, because I want her to have everything she wants in life, including 5 children, but I don't even think we can even handle 2 kids anytime soon. I also don't want to make it sound like I'm the White Knight. I do get angry and I say some pretty mean things that I know aren't true, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated by being the only responsible adult in this relationship. We love each other, but again, our differences seem overwhelming and I wonder if maybe it's best for our child, while he's still too young to remember a divorce, that we separate now. Any help would be truly appreciated.

-Kevin-

[vashti]

She sounds like an overgrown child, and I can understand your frustration, but here's a bit of a reality check: if you divorce, she will likely retain primary custody of the child, since it sounds like you are military and subject to deployment. This means she will be available to other flaky people (like herself), especially men. Do you really want your little boy to be primarily raised in a house full of overgrown hippy children? Don't you want to be a moderating factor in his life?

Best to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, in my opinion.

[KNO626]

Vashti,

I've put a lot of thought into that very thought that she'd probably get custody. The only thing I could hope for is that we would act as a bi-nuclear family. Luckily her family lives very close to where we live (5 minutes) so she still has a strong support system. I plan on getting out of the navy within a couple years and could re-evaluate the situation at that time regarding custody. At least, that's what I was thinking...