Need Help with ex Girlfriend, Im dazed and confused..

[stonesnbones]

Hello Everyone!

I’m new to this forum, so I hope that everyone can pitch in, even though my situation may have been answered before. And I apologize if its too long.

Back in 1999 I met this sensational attractive girl. At the time she was 19 and I was 23. We got together and basically fell for each other relatively quickly. We went through summer, and then it was time to start college. Then she had a crush on this one person. She decided to break up with me because she said she never had a feeling of a crush before and wanted to go with it. Also the fact that she mentioned that she wasn’t really committed to a serious relationship yet and that I was too smothering. I was completely devastated and tried to explain to her my feelings. She kept pushing me off, telling me to date other people and that she would never go out with me again.

Every once in a while, she would come and see me and get seriously intimate with me. It would really resurface during Thanksgiving, and then Christmas and New Year.

I never really saw her again until one day in February 2000, she came back to me and wanted to be with me again. I was just happy to see her again and decided to get together.

We were together and she moved in with me in another city where I got a job from college. We were together for another 4 years. During the time she moved in with me, she decided to go back to school. I kinda believe that during this time at her school, she made some new friends and probably made friends with this one person that she thought was cute.

June this year, she dumped me again. Said I was different than the first relationship. I did harbor some ill-will about the break up of our first relationship and the reasons behind it and her explaination that it was a huge mistake. I also kinda believe that she may dump me yet again because she wanted to try this cute person out.

Since the beginning of this year, I decided to not let the ill-will affect me, and start changing myself to be different from how I was. She still wanted to break it off in June, when I moved into mt first house.

Long story short, I got dumped twice by the same girl and in 2 months, she started going out with this other person, probably the cute guy she met at school. I really love this girl to death. She was my first girlfriend in my life, and we spent quite a number of years together. She still wants to talk to me on MSN, email me, visit me every week or so, and always tells me she misses me. I miss her so much that I even buy things for her and give them to her, even though we aren’t together, and she readily accepts them. Its really hurting me to know I do this, yet she is with someone else.

Why is she doing this and what should I REALLY be doing?

Thanks!

[kronos51]

Umm, well I have to say thats a bit of bullshit from her. At the very least you deserve a straight explanation, so ask her for one. If she cant give it to you then I would have to say that you dont deserve to be toyed around with like this. Just tell her your feelings and that you deserve an explanation, cuz you are hurting alot.

It seems to me like she is maybe not yet mature and if she cant give you a reason for going out with other guys even if she loves you, then maybe its just because she wants to keep you there as a fallback.

Personally my gf has had a couple phases of wanting to date other guys, but she always told me straight up and tried not to hurt me while doing it, and usually after about a day or two couldnt take not being with me anymore and couldnt understand why she had wanted to date the other guy .

[stonesnbones]

The feeling of the second relationship was different. It was more, for lack of a better word, cautious. I was also a little bit harsh towards her, probably because of the ill-will I felt. That, I admit, was my fault.

But the beginning of this year, that’s when I decided to throw away all ill-will, and really care and support her like I should have. Didn’t seem to matter though, because she still decided to dump me 6 months later.

It’s like she didn’t want to try to work things out with me, and decided to just go with this person she met while she was at school. I have an idea why she dumped me, but you are right, I never got a straight up explanation from her.

I still love her and care for her though..

[kronos51]

Well, I feel for you man. Here is what I think. She may just be unwilling to believe in the possibility of love in her first relationship. My girlfriend did something similar in our relationship, knowing she was in love but thinking that she couldnt possibly love the first real boyfriend she had had. Perhaps your ex is in this situation. She probably has alot of influences telling her that she should have to go through alot and try alot of relationships before finding the one she wants to stay in.

The only thing I can suggest if you have talked to her about this is to let her try it out. From the signs I'm seeing she still cares for you deeply and is fighting with herself and the influences on her trying to decide what she wants. If this is the case then all you can really do (after talking to her, as I have stressed alot) is to let her go and try other relationships. If she loves you she will eventually realize it (hopefully quickly) and perhaps feel that she has proven this to herself and is ready to be with you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do

[stonesnbones]

I just wonder if what Im doing is right, being in constant contact. I mean I love her, but it also hurts that shes with someone else. I failed to mention this, but we exchange emails and MSN each other almost everyday...

[kronos51]

Hmm, I dunno, it's up to you really. It is probably good to let her know you still care if you still do. If you think you need to move on and she really doesnt care about you, well you should back off a little.

If you think she does love you, then I would suggest that you just let her do her thing until such a time as she is ready to be with you maturely.