Ready to be friends. Who should make the first move?--Merry H, a bit of guidance ;)

[JELEF]

EDIT: She's just contacted me. See my latest post below.


After a split and cutting off contact who should be the one to make the first move towards friendship and strictly friendship? The person who's been dumped is the one who's made to feel like something that cat's drug in. Is it up to him to decide that he's fine with everything and to make it known? Or is it up to her as she's the one who called it off in the first place?

I'm finally ok with everything and am ready to be friends. I've seen Facebook photos of her with her new boyfriend and they're dead happy together. I honestly don't know that I've ever brought anyone in my life such a smile. So truthfully, I'm happy for them. And I can say that because I'm happy with myself again. I've realized that I was partially using the novelty and emotional connection to fill a void in my life which I'd not even been aware of. The routine of uni and office work was suffocating me and strangling my pen. I was relying on her and her adventures to compensate. But this week I've come to recognize that. I've finally regained the inspiration and creativity I'd lost a year ago or longer. I'm passionate about what I'm doing and creating on my own and with friends and I'm content to be single again.

Now I've got opposing ideas of what to do. One line of thought says leave her alone entirely, letting her decide when or if she wants to talk to me again. I'll know I'm not imposing myself on her in anyway. The other view is that I should not worry about it at all and contact her if I've got a reason to do (same reason I'd contact any other friend). I just don't know if I'm being selfish in doing so. Making repeated efforts would be selfish, but a tidy message or conversation without any expectations and leaving it at that, that's not selfish is it? I should think it rather common.

Unless it's recommended otherwise, I was going to take option 2. I've just signed up for a transcontinental rally for next summer and have told some friends about it to see if it strikes their fancy. I thought it something she'd be into so I was going to tell her as well but stopped myself to make do this post. I want to go back to normal and be playful without thinking I'm sending the wrong message. I guess if that's normal for me, anything else would awkward, no?

Any advice would be helpful.

[MerryH]

Hello, JELEF! You knew I'd be all up in your thread with my big mouth. Hopefully you can get some other opinions, too.

I can't really see the harm in contacting her, if you're completely over her and ONLY want to be friends. Something like, "Hey, I've come to realize I was acting silly about our relationship. I don't really know what came over me, but I'm not usually like that. I hope we can put all that behind us and just forget about it. I'm going to be doing this rally thing with some other people and thought you might be interested in coming, as a friend. Here's the details, let me know if you can come. P.S. You seem really happy with your boyfriend. Congrats. I'm happy that you're happy : )" or whatever. Just make it clear that you only want to be friends and that you respect her new relationship. Proceed based on her reaction. If she doesn't seem happy to hear from you, then just leave her alone.

[JELEF]

I wanted to send her a a few weeks ago apologizing for being dramatic, saying I'd like to be friends (and only friends), and that I'm happy she's happy in her new relationship. My best friend (girl) shouted NO!!!!! at me. And told me to stay out of her life. So I didn't do anything and have ignored her completely for 5 or 6 weeks.

So you think I ought to be explicit instead of acting like nothing happened and going back to my normal self? The thingy I want to tell her about is not a ploy to have her join my team. She wanted to do charity work in Nepal and I thought the adventure of the rally plus the proximity to Nepal would really be of interest to her. I was going to make it clear as well that I'm on an Irish team and that she can join a Spanish team (where she now lives) which virtually guarantees we never cross.

I appreciate the guidance.

What I really want to do is let her know I'm open to talking again and carrying on strictly as friends if she's interested in that. If she's not, I'm not fussed. No pressure. People come and go every day. Though I do generally prefer people to stay.

Whatever happens, I'm leaving it at this. I'm over her but would feel foolish for chucking aside someone who could be a really good friend.

[MerryH]

I wanted to send her a a few weeks ago apologizing for being dramatic, saying I'd like to be friends (and only friends), and that I'm happy she's happy in her new relationship. My best friend (girl) shouted NO!!!!! at me. And told me to stay out of her life. So I didn't do anything and have ignored her completely for 5 or 6 weeks.

Yes, it would have been a bad idea to contact her back then because you were still holding on to the hope of a romantic relationship at some point. You're not anymore, right?

So you think I ought to be explicit instead of acting like nothing happened and going back to my normal self?

I think if you act like nothing happened she might start wondering when you're going to go all mushy on her again. If you bring it up, sort of apologize, and imply that it won't happen again, she'll be more comfortable with a friendship I think.

[xxazurexx]

After a split and cutting off contact who should be the one to make the first move towards friendship and strictly friendship? T

The one who did the dumping.

[JELEF]

Yes, it would have been a bad idea to contact her back then because you were still holding on to the hope of a romantic relationship at some point. You're not anymore, right?

Not at all. Sincerely just want to be friends. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. I'd like to give it a try though. If she's not at all interested, that's fine. Can't force someone into friendship.

The one who did the dumping.

That's what my initial thought was. After weeks of absolutely no contact, liking recent photos I've posted on Facebook wouldn't count, would it?

[Agape]

It would be a good 'test'. . . if you two are truly over each other then there is no reason why you can't be 'just friends'

[Boisdevie]

I honestly don't think you can be friends and don't you have other friends? I have NEVER been friends with a woman after it was over between us. Move on

[Only-virgins]

Friendship is over-rated. F it.

[VincenzoG91]

I honestly don't think you can be friends and don't you have other friends? I have NEVER been friends with a woman after it was over between us. Move on

Same here. I've tried, but it never works out. Usually one person or the other is hoping that we get back together or at least have some friendly sex, and usually the other person has moved on and possibly even has to worry about a jealous partner. I find it much easier to be friends with people when neither sex or love is involved.

[JELEF]

I honestly don't think you can be friends and don't you have other friends? I have NEVER been friends with a woman after it was over between us. Move on

Of course. However, she's the only one to whom I regularly spoke in French. I was improving quite a bit from speaking to her and need to improve further before grad school kicks off next summer. Not that I'm using her for French lessons, it just happened to be part of what made her interesting. While I've obviously got things in common with my all of my other friends, she and I seemed to tick so many of eachother's boxes. We're both keen on adventure travelling, politics, art, film, music, literature, etc. She's exactly who I was when I was 22. I'd like more people like her in my life, not less.

I've been friends or remained in contact with everyone I've cared about. When it's a one-off, I never do or care to have any contact afterwards and that's always clear from the off.

I appreciate the responses.

[JELEF]

On Sunday night she chatted me on Skype while I was asleep. She asked how I was doing and after a few minutes realized I wasn't actually at the computer. So she said she wanted to hear some news from me and see what I've been up to. I'm not in a rush to respond as the time difference is obnoxious, I've been busy, and I don't want to be the over-eager bozo I was before.

Chatting and catching up is easy enough but I'm wondering if I should mention what happened or if it's best to just pretend I wasn't annoying for a few weeks. I feel like apologizing for making too much of everything and not listening to what she was telling me. My better judgement says that's being indulgent and she's well beyond it all (ie apologizing or bringing it up only makes things worse). But part of me thinks it might make me seem less mental if she knew most of the mess came about from my poor translation abilities. I'm erring on the side of caution and do not intend to bring any of it up unless she does first. It's been a while since we've had a proper chat and I'd rather just work on being friends. If what happened is relevant it will come up when it needs to, yeah?

Then there's this twist: I was already planning to go back to Ireland in December for a few weeks before the spring semester kicks off. Well, it turns out she's just left Spain and has moved back to Ireland. I'm not sure why she's left, but she's been in worked up over the Spanish chap. Perhaps what other people said about her is true--that what she's done to me she's does to others. I've got the impression that the move from Spain wasn't necessarily by choice. I wasn't planning on making mention of this at all because I don't want her to think it's got anything to do with her. Also, the last thing I want her to think is that I want anything other than friendship.

[xxazurexx]

I honestly don't think you can be friends and don't you have other friends? I have NEVER been friends with a woman after it was over between us. Move on

Same here. I've never stayed friends with exes either, once it's done, it's done and dusted.

On the one occasion that I did want to be friends, it was because I still had feelings and lived in hopes we got back together.

[AlphaMan]

Looks like you've got all the advise you need.

Good luck.