How to fix my relationship after cheating

[koalaman]

Hey all,

I'm an Australian who met and lived together with a French girl for 4 months last year. However, I had to return to Australia and she had to return to France and we've been in a long-distance relationship for about 9 months now. Despite the time difference and our busy schedules, we still talk every day for hours and hours, and I'm convinced that she's the one for me.

However, months after I moved back to Australia, I couldn't help but have physical cravings for other girls. When I was with my girlfriend I wouldn't even look at a girl, I just wasn't interested. But with her away, I couldn't control it any more, and started to feel physically attracted to other girls. It was nothing more than physical attraction, as I pretty much knew nothing about them, but I could tell them some of them were attracted to me too. This excited me, but eventually I started thinking about what I was doing and realised that I loved my girlfriend and didn't want to hurt her. But I couldn't help but feel attracted to other good looking girls. I tried to be honest with my girlfriend, thinking that if I told her then I'd be less likely to cheat on her, but obviously she didn't take it very well. She told me that she couldn't trust me anymore and she was very depressed and emotional for a few days, and in the end I decided that I should try to cope with this by myself so that she wouldn't have to suffer like this again.

I talked with a few close friends to try to get them to support me, and eventually I was able to stop feeling attracted to the other girls. However, months later, I started getting physical cravings again. I loved my girlfriend and I didn't want to break up with her, so stupidly I thought what if I can just get into a purely physical relationship? What if I can just have a one night stand? Then I'd be able to deal with these cravings and I wouldn't be committed to a relationship so I can still be with my girlfriend. So then I signed up to a website for hooking people up for one night stands, but quickly thought to myself, "what the hell are you doing?!?!?!?!" and quickly deleted my account.

Then a few months later I couldn't control myself again and I searched the internet for brothels. Once again I stupidly thought that it was just meaningless sex and that I wouldn't have to commit to anything so it wouldn't affect anything with my girlfriend. And then soon afterwards I stopped and asked what the hell I was doing again and stopped.

But then a few days ago, when I realised that she couldn't come to Australia as soon as I had hoped and she wasn't available to talk, after work one day I spontaneously made a very stupid decision. I wasn't thinking properly at the time and these physical cravings were really getting to me. I stupidly thought to myself that if I went to a brothel just once it would make me feel guilty and I would want to cheat ever again. So I ended up going to a brothel, but as soon as things started I regretted it so much. I felt guilty the whole time I was doing it and it wasn't satisfying at all.

For the first few days I hid things with my girlfriend, but I'm the sort of person who doesn't hide anything from her. I knew that it would hurt her immensely but I couldn't bear the thought of lying to her for the rest of our relationship. I tried to explain things to her, about how much I hard I tried to control myself and how I didn't tell her about my cravings because I thought that it would make her suffer less, which ended up backfiring and I ended up doing the worst thing possible to hurt her. She broke down and doesn't trust or believe me anymore. She told me that she can't stand the thought of making love to me ever again, and doesn't even want me to touch her or kiss her ever again.

I told her about how I was truly from the bottom of my heart. I realised how much I hurt her, and I felt so guilty. Usually I'd never do anything to hurt her, she's everything I have and I really am sincerely sorry. I told her that I knew that it was completely my fault and that I had screwed up. After much crying and convincing I was able to get her to give me another chance, but she is still heart broken and refuses to open up to me. When I ask her if she still loves me she tells me that she does, and she comes online several times a day to talk to me, but she tells me that it's because she's weak and she misses me too much. But whenever she comes to talk to me she hardly says anything, just "yes" or "no" and doesn't really want to talk about anything and leaves after a few minutes.

I know that she's lost and confused now. And I know that what I did was terrible and I sincerely regret it and will never do it ever again. But I want to know how I can fix our relationship. I know that it will take time for her to get over it, but what can I do to support her? What can I do to make her feel comfortable with me again? What can I do to make her open up to me again? Right now I'm trying to be there for her as much as I can. Whenever she comes online I try to talk to her and comfort her, but it doesn't seem to be working. Am I approaching it wrong? Should I leave her by herself for a while and give her time and space to herself? I don't know what to do. She means everything to me. I know I did an unforgivable thing but I want to do all that I can to repent for it. Please give me advice.

[VincenzoG91]

Just because she said that she forgave you doesn't mean that she genuinely feels forgiving about this. Long-distance relationships are fragile anyway, it's probably unrealistic to think that you two can get past this despite the distance and the time before you can next meet. If there was a way for you to move to the city where she lives right now, and stay there, you might be able to salvage this. Otherwise, I think your relationship is probably doomed, and even moving there might not save it.

[koalaman]

Thanks for your reply Vincenzo. I'm currently still at uni and am unable to move there but we had plans for her to stay here. I've been working casually to save up so that we could be together again in Australia and if she liked it she would consider living here with me permanently. They were very real plans that were supposed to happen a few months from now. Now quite understandably she doesn't know if she's willing to come anymore. She's lost and confused right now, but I want to convince her to come and give me a chance once again. I know that I have caused her great pain but I want to make up for that. We really do share a very special connection and I don't want to hurt her like this ever again. She still loves me and I know that. She's just afraid of being hurt again. I don't know what I can do to make things better between us.