Trouble with fiance

[maizenblue]

I have been engaged to a wonderful woman for about a year now. We plan to get married August 20 of next year. We are both in our 20's. When we first met, we were always together. She basically moved in with me for about a year before we got a place together. However we only stayed at our place for 6 months because I lost my job and couldn't help pay for the rent. We moved into a 3 bedroom apartment with her parents.

Because we had our freedom and independence for so long I knew our sex life would take a huge hit. How can you be intimate when her parents are 10 ft in another room? We managed when we could though. Now I go to school full-time to be an aircraft mechanic and she works full-time. We've always had a tight relationship and really for 2 years we have hardly spent any time apart.

This past summer, however, I did something that might not seem huge but for us it was. I read a text from one of her guy friends that I took wrong. Basically I had a lapse in judgement and should I didn't trust her. I've always trusted her before and she had shown no reason as to why I couldn't but that didn't stop me from assuming the worse from the text. Not even 10 min after I did that, I was so remorseful and apologized profusely. But ever since then she says something has changed. She says she's over it but there is a block that kills her physical attraction for me. She doesn't want to be intimate anymore or anything. I told her this would be easier if we didn't live with her parents so we could gradually work back into our intimacies but she doesn't think it's the environment.

Her emotions are everywhere. One day she wants to get married tomorrow and start having a family....the next day she says she's terrified to plan a wedding. Now she is a worrier and gets herself worked up over a lot. Can anyone shed some light on this? I feel I have done everything and more to change some bad habits (anger, messiness, insecurity) for her these past couple months. We recently come to the conclusion that we just need to spend some time apart so I'll be living with my parents for awhile. Will this be healthy for us? Did that brief lapse in judgement have major consquences?

[vashti]

If your outburst was an isolated incident, and you apologized genuinely, I think there is more to her story than you imagine.

[MerryH]

Yeah, it kind of sounds like there's more to it.

But what did you do when you saw the text? Did you flip out, scream, or call her names?

[maizenblue]

I did get really angry and I'm sorry I left that out. I didn't call her names or lift a finger to her of course, I just went off. I really don't remember what I said. When we talked about it calmly a day or two after it happened she said my anger scared her because it reminded her of a past (abusive) relationship. Ever since then I have done everything I can not to show her anger. If I do feel it coming, I simply leave the room and have a moment or two to myself.

So yeah, I could've just asked her about it but I went about it wrong

[vashti]

It seems that a solid relationship of 2+ years should be strong enough to offset a single angry moment. That's why I think there is more to this story.

[maizenblue]

It seems that a solid relationship of 2+ years should be strong enough to offset a single angry moment. That's why I think there is more to this story.

Well my anger has always been a problem with me. It's not as though that was her first time seeing it. Everyone handles their anger differently but I've never let it get to the point where it causes me to be violent to the people around me. Worse thing I did was put a hole in the wall which she saw me do. That's what scares her. She believes it might just be a matter of time before that's her that I punch. I can't tell her enough that even though I can't make my anger go away, I've always had some control over it and that I would never be physically or verbally violent to her.

It's just that past relationship she had made her scared to death of my anger. Which now looking at is probably what bothered her more. I wonder if she thinks I flipped over that, what other little thing would get me that mad? But like I've said, I have made a lot of changes with the way I go about it and she hasn't seen it for several months now.

[VincenzoG91]

Make some more changes, take an anger management class. Six months into my current relationship, I flipped out over a misunderstanding and scared my girlfriend with my temper and language. After she proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was wrong, she asked me to take an anger management class. I went into it thinking that it was b-s, but it turned out to be a very positive experience that saved my relationship and also my job. We've been together for seven years now.

[Agape]

"I read a text from one of her guy friends that I took wrong. Basically I had a lapse in judgement and should I didn't trust her."

Firstly, relationship for 2 years, and, engaged and living together for a year. . . and then you find some minor text to distrust her, also you say this is a lapse in judgment? C'mon!

So you are some jealous mistrusting angry type and she's some emotional girl who has on/off future plans? . . . you two should work these things out. Perhaps you need time away from the parents?

[all alone]

Why do people plan to get married when they don't have their stability in shape?.. I mean I understand you're in love and all, but why not wait until you have a place of your once again and you're down school, so you can finally be financially and socially stable within your relationship?.. iunnno just had to say. Sounds like you made a mistake but it shouldnt end things tho.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should tell her that this is starting to wear on you too much, and that you need to get out of her parents house. You should call off the wedding and tell her living with her parents is too stressful and you're moving out but still want to be together and tell her to decide if getting married is what she really wants(it will be, calling off the wedding will be more than enough to get her chasing after you). Tell her you're going to be working on your own issues, and you hope she decides that getting married is what she wants.

[sparkle_jello]

Make some more changes, take an anger management class. Six months into my current relationship, I flipped out over a misunderstanding and scared my girlfriend with my temper and language. After she proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was wrong, she asked me to take an anger management class. I went into it thinking that it was b-s, but it turned out to be a very positive experience that saved my relationship and also my job. We've been together for seven years now.

My husband took anger management classes, and they have helped him tremendously. My husband grew up watching his father beat his mother, he never laid a hand on me but his temper was, simply put, out of control (mostly at work). He was in the military and they recommended it to him. He took the class, now he's super. Funny thing was that he had nothing wrong with him, he just didn't realize people didn't act like that.

On a side note. I see you are going to school to be an aircraft mechanic, that is what my husband used to be. It was a stepping stone to him becoming an engineer. I cannot tell you how it has opened doors for him. The best and cheapest way to get the training is to join the AF for four years, my husband did, the training he got counted towards his degree, he eventually used the GI Bill to finish his degree, and he had companies lining up for him, even in the recession people were head hunting him. It's a good career field if you have the right friends... a lot of it is who you know.