Help! Advice! Confusion! I want her back!

[jonas22]

Gosh, I can't believe I've registered on a site like this. But I need help -!! Basicallly I want to my ex-girlfriend back.
She left me. I have good reason to think that this might be possible due to the circumstances but I'm also understanding that this could be impossible if I go about this the wrong way. Unfortuanatly I feel it might be necessary, before anybody can give any advice or suggestions to tell the STORY. And of course this could be quite boring but I want to make it as simple and straightforward as possible.

Its kind of a romantic story i think and has ended in what seems to me most tragically.

Why did she leave me?
Because she felt that I didnt love her. I was'nt showing her the love that she wanted or needed (BUT not all the time - if she looked back she can see some things that really proved that I appreciated her and needed her).

Also our behaviour to each other was sometimes one of conflict - her trying to show me how I should behave and me showing her how she should behave. Perhaps, sometimes we would both deliberately take opposite directions to 'show' the other. Lots of testing.

Which of course is natural in some relationships especially at the beginning. For example she would do things or say things to try to make me jealous - but because I knew what she was trying to do - I did'nt react - or at least reacted in the way that she did'nt want. My point being, was that she did'nt need to do these things - I liked her enough and more - and she understand this. Besides which I really did'nt have time for these 'silly' games. i.e. work and well, other things in life that were quite important to get on with. Yes, so perhaps she had some personal insecurity issues. I did' nt want to feed into this by going along with her games. The idea I had was to make her understand that she had every reason to think that I thought she was wonderful and gorgeous etc etc.

I perhaps underestimated her fragility.

She also found things on my computer, emails etc etc which could have led her believe other things - but this was not the case. But she felt 'betrayed' evenb though i didnt actually cheat on her, I can understand why she might have felt like this.

She wanted mad passionate love. I also wanted this BUT, due to circumstances, like work - away for some long periods of time, highly stressed work meant I didnt have time for her, or the attention that she needed. It was impossible for me to give her this attention. There was also a block in my brain about this. Deliberate - I didnt want my longing for her to disturb my work. We discussed this in detail. The work contracts I had had been decided before I met her, so there was nothing I could do about this.
She would cry herself to sleep when she was away from from and as much I as felt bad about this - I sometimes wasnt very sympathetic and would ask her to pull herself together, be stronger etc etc. Ask her to please understand the situation. Work is work. Working for us, our future etc. Then of course when I would return from work (after lets say a period of 2 weeks away) under intense stress, I was also unable immediately to give the love that she needed. This hurt her.

So it was like this for a few months after we started living together in London - I was away, there would be disconnection, I would come back - and we had to make that connection again - but only had a few days to do this then I would have to go away again. It was difficult for her.

Some background to how we met. 9 months ago - but the relationship perhaps is'nt 8 months old. I met her for 2 days whilst visiting a dentist in Riga (end of October), Latvia. After some communciation, via IM email etc, I decided I liked her enough to want to return to see her. After 2 weeks, I started living with her (January - for 2 1/2 months. I gave up my holiday period to be with her in a cold dark city over the winter. We went on a couple of holidays together. I then had to return to England and then 6 weeks later it was decided that she would come to be with me in London. And so she did (April). I did many things to organise this - to make things good for her.
We were perhaps together - if I discount all the days which I was away from her, working, just 40.

But she was alone in London -didnt know anyone. I found her a job - and yes, ok she made some friends here, but basically after coming to London, I was away very soon after up to 2 weeks at a time (sometime 3 weeks) with sometimes just a few days in between contracts - during which i was always exhausted. I could'nt deal with her complaining. I would become moody and irritable. The last thing I need after work (and I deal with the general public) is a nagging girlfriend - my mind just could'nt take it - and I told her so - even though I knew the stress she was under.

And basically she had had enough. A few time she had told me she was near breaking point. She said she couldnt continue. I asked her to please wait for just a few more weeks and it would all be over.

Basically I found messages on a phone that showed me she was seeing somebody else. She'd been cheating (but nothing sexual apparently till after she had asked for a 'temporary separation' ).

She had also asked for temporary separation a few days before we were due to fly out to Latvia to meet her parents.

I was furious that she was seeing somebody else.
I was furious that she had been doing this whilst I was away working very very hard, under so much stress.
I was furious that i could see how much contact (texting etc) there had been between the two of them (i have her phone contract under my name and am able to see calls and text made - but not the content of the texts)
I was furious that she had been lieing to me after all the hysterics that she had been showing me - extreme jealousy of ex-girlfriends etc (she got hold of my phone once and texted ex-girlfriends (who I had only a friendly situation with) pretending to be me and sending abusive messages or simply, never contact me again etc etc.
I was furious that i'd done so much, sacrificed so much for her, for us, and for this to be thrown back into my face

I through her out of my apartment immediately - which left her in not such a good situation - i.e. the guy she was seeing - they were not so close (although she did say he loved her)- but she was forced to stay with him.

She was very angry that I had thrown her out, but I didnt see I had any option. She was supposed to stay loyal - however hard it was - she was supposed to wait for me - we were living together - it was still the beginning of our relationship.

And so of course I resent her tremendously. i sent some very hateful text messages. I was in total shock.
So much love she had shown me just a short while ago.

But I also understood why she might have done this.
In some ways I believe that she didn't do this to hurt me and that she just needed love, somebody who cared about her, and gave her the attention that she needed (However I'm not sure that she has found this)

The problem being here, is that I am able to show her the love that she needed, it was just the work that disrupted this. I wasnt able to show whilst working. I explained this. But she admits to being weak. She's still not understanding how much I loved her, and she is a surprised at how furious I am by the situation.

Now I'm back at full energy levels. My mind is operating at full speed. All those questions she asked me before, which I was unable to answer because of being too tired or when she came to me on the balcony the last time and put her arms around asking,' what's happened to us' all I could say was pathetically was 'i don't know'.

But it was'nt any mystery what had happened. There was nothing so seriously wrong with out relationship.
There was a level of disconnection, which was to be expected, but nothing broken!!

Even when she asked what i thought about a temporary separation - I said 'yeah, that's fine, if you want that. it doesnt seem you like anything about me so why bother'

But I never meant to say this!!
I just didn't have the emotional, pyschological or physical energy to do anything about. I was even irritated with her.

She said later she wanted me to fight for her. i didnt bother, it seemed to her that I didnt care
And that's whats so upsetting.
Because I did. but i just was'nt able to.

after my flurry of hateful text messages, approximately 4 weeks ago, she contacted the police.
the police attempted to arrest me ( i guess for harrassment) - but there was never any threat there to her own physical safety.
Sure I said some things I shouldnt have, but that is pretty normal under the circumstances.
I wanted her to realise how diabolical her behaviour had been .

She never wanted to hear from me ever again. she wanted nothing to do with me

She sent me a text telling me that I had destroyed her life and now she was on double-dosage of anti-depressants etc etc .

Things have calmed down alittle bit now.
Im not sending her hateful texts, but I am sending her some emails, asking her why she wanted to throw this rel away. That it was'nt fair on me. I was doign what I could under the circumstances etc and that sure, its true I wasnt abel to show her the love she needed and that I didnt like to be tested in the way that was testing me and I would have taken the opposite direction.

I've sent her some flowers, and other things that shows that I really care about her. Some things important to both of us.

I've spoken to her on the phone. She's been in tears. Saying that she can't have a relationship with anyone now and that all she does is hurt people - this might be due to the emails Ive sent her, reminding her of her behaviour.

I don't think she's in love with this other guy - although I can understand why this guy might be in love with her. She needed someone, when I was'nt there, as Ive said she was feelign empty, terribly depressed. I can understand why she felt she had nowhere else to turn.

She is also due to have psycho-therapy - and this is I belive partly as a result of her behaviour to me. So in some respects I've acheived what i wanted - not to make her ill of course - but the full realisation of what she's done - is affecting her mental state

But she's not living with him. I think she was only lviing with him for a short term due to the fact she had nowehere else to live.

So my plan now - well to show her the love, understanding , attention that i wasnt able to before.

To show her that the love that we saw between each other, that made us decide to live with each just a short time ago, wasnt an illusion. Its still there.

Well I doubt anyone will reply to this and if you've read this then u deserve a medal.

So what should I do?

She wanted me to fight for her, when she asked me about separation. She didn't want me to say, ' yeah that fine then'
I was'nt able to fight then.

Now I'm able to fight.

Is it necessarily too late?

!?!?

I'm thinking it might be possible because the circumstances in which she left me. i.e. she left me, not because she did'nt love me, but because she thought I did'nt love her, or did'nt love her enough, or did'nt show her enough love and/or attention.

In addition, we never discussed our issues - mainly because of me - not because I did'nt want to - or thought that it was'nt necessary, but purely because I was'nt able to - because I was empty, due to work..

In addition, this was quite a young relationship. 40 days living together in London (discounting all the time I was away). We both made alot of effort to be together. It seems illogical not to at least try to save it or even discuss it.
Perhaps we shall find after a discussion, that our differences are just too great and that it wouldnt be worth it getting back together.

The ironic thing, now, is of course, I'm realising more than ever that I really do love her. Something that I was partly hiding from myself - because of work, because of other thing, because of the 'logical' and rational way i wanted to pursue and develop this relationship, often in deliberate opposition to her 'irrational' and 'passionate' direction. I thought it would be disastrous to both be losing ourselves in each other so early on, before certain other things were ironed out.

There is also another factor in all of this which together with the frequent disconnections and re-connections, irritibiility and general exhaustion, unable to discuss anything in a reasonable manner (my fault, but I stress not due to an unwillingness, just an inability), is that we missed out on an important stage in any relationship, which is courtship and dating.

I mean it all happened so quickly.
i.e., meet her, by accident in a bar. Take her out for a couple of nights.
Then 6 weeks away from each other - communcation by IM and text.
Agreement that I'm returning.
Then we are practically living with each other, non-stop, 24 hrs for 2 1/2 months.
then 6 weeks apart.
Then we are living with each other.
But no sooner does she arrive in a new city with no friends, than I am away working for the next few months

I'd like her to understand how unnatural this all is and how if it had been following a normal course, we would have had time to discuss, to resolve and settle our differences.

I can understand why she 'broke', how she needed air.

[YouAreBeautiful]

The bottom line is she left you because you weren't giving her enough time and attention. Are you able to offer her that now? This is a situation where in order to work someone is going to have to compromise their wants be it work or time with another person.

[Agape]

Wow, I could quote the stuff wrong with this scenario but I might as well quote the whole thing . . .the thing that stood out

"She'd been cheating (but nothing sexual apparently till after she had asked for a 'temporary separation' )."
-->
"I've spoken to her on the phone. She's been in tears. Saying that she can't have a relationship with anyone now and that all she does is hurt people - this might be due to the emails Ive sent her, reminding her of her behaviour."
+
"She is also due to have psycho-therapy - and this is I belive partly as a result of her behaviour to me. So in some respects I've acheived what i wanted - not to make her ill of course - but the full realisation of what she's done - is affecting her mental state"

Nice one, she left you because you weren't into the relationship originally and now she dislikes you because you're mean about her behaviour . . . just leave her alone and give up, move on.

[jonas22]

I explained very clearly to that my work contracts had been decided before we decided to live together. Work is work. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. One of the reasons I was doing the kind of work that I was doing , was that i wasnt with anyone. she wanted to change the way I worked from a couple of months after meeting her. I explained that this would only be possible after the ending of the agreed contracts. If I knew that this was serious relationship, then yes, i would change. I could do this, but not before the the end of the agreed contracts. So I gave assurances that I would be able to give her the attention that needed.

[jonas22]

Wow, I could quote the stuff wrong with this scenario but I might as well quote the whole thing . . .the thing that stood out


Nice one, she left you because you weren't into the relationship originally and now she dislikes you because you're mean about her behaviour . . ..

She left me because I was'nt into the relationship orgininally?

How do you get to this?
Where's the quote that gives you this idea?

Originally, I made the relationship by giving up all my holiday time to move countries to be with her - I said this.

[Agape]

She left me because I was'nt into the relationship orgininally?

How do you get to this?
Where's the quote that gives you this idea?

Originally, I made the relationship by giving up all my holiday time to move countries to be with her - I said this.

"She wanted mad passionate love. I also wanted this BUT, due to circumstances, like work - away for some long periods of time, highly stressed work meant I didnt have time for her, or the attention that she needed. It was impossible for me to give her this attention. There was also a block in my brain about this. Deliberate - I didnt want my longing for her to disturb my work."
+
"In addition, we never discussed our issues - mainly because of me - not because I did'nt want to - or thought that it was'nt necessary, but purely because I was'nt able to - because I was empty, due to work"

Reminds me of Ebenezer Scrooge, you valued your work and your money over her . . . by your actions, this is what she saw and so she left

[jonas22]

well its not quite like that. As I mentioned, these contracts were already agreed. Perhaps the economic situation over in Canada is wonderful and you can just jack in your job, that you're good in and find something else in a matter of weeks. Well In the UK its not quite like that. Jobs that pay the bills don't just grow on trees. I valued my work because it provided an income, paid the mortgage, paid for entertainment. It was'nt like this situation was going on for years. Just a couple of months. After the beginning of October and till December, I don't have to work - so i think its a little unfair to say i valued work over her. I was pressing on with work with a greater level of commitment because of her, because there would be a greater chance of future contracts if I did those that I had been given well - and therefore economic stability.