Need an Unbiased Opinion Please!

[Zena.]

Hi everyone, I really don't know what to think anymore so I've come for a very much needed unbiased opinion! If you could please share thoughts or experiences that would be gratefully appreciated!

I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 8 months and I love him to pieces! We're in our early 20s and haven't had too much experience in the dating world. We both come from very different backgrounds, me being your average Canadian whereas he was born and raised in Vietnam.. this has never been an issue for me, my family is beyond supportive and has never even considered it as a problem but his family has always had their reservations. It's only been in the past few months his mom has taken a liking to me (whether it's genuine or not is still anybody's guess!) I just figured it was because she realized I'm kind of here to stay and he's serious about being with me and no matter how much crap she dishes out, I'm not leaving! Now this doesn't mean I go and spend time with her like he does with my family, it just means I'm invited on the odd outing and family meal etc. This is where the problems lie. They are extremely traditional, my bf has explained everything I need to do to remain 'proper' around his family and I understand they have different views etc. but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around everything sometimes. He's explained that when we are out I must engage in all forms of small talk and *I* must initiate all the conversations, because flat out, they won't. When we're out in larger groups though, they don't speak english, like none, zip, nadda, zero.. which creates a problem seeing as if I don't speak viet, lol.. I'm used to it now and I have gotten to the point where I don't mind, as long as I can sit there and pretend like I have a clue what's going on, I'm happy even though I still find it somewhat rude sometimes. My bf gets extremely upset when I don't engage in conversations with them, like I don't just sit there and ignore everyone, I try my best but even when I catch a moment in between the viet to say something, they'll respond and then go back to their conversations.. I feel like it's a loosing battle so instead I just sit, smile and pretend like I know what they're talking about! I would be completely open to talking with them about anything, I just need someone to talk WITH me! I can talk to his siblings since they like me and speak english, even his sister is good at translating the odd thing for me when I look confused haha.

I'm a shy person to begin with when thrown in a situation like that, so it's not like I'm comfortable to jump in, interrupt their convos and make small talk about the weather.. his complaint is that I can talk with a random off the street, customers where I work, basically anybody else, but I have a problem talking with his fam.. I'm fine when it's just his mom but toss in a big group of non-english speaking people and I get overwhelmed, especially when he's sitting beside me whispering about how 'dissappointed' he is that I'm not even trying.. when I am!! I know whatever I say, what ever I do they're gonna judge me and complain to him later so I almost fear talking too much because I'm scared I'll just give fuel for the fire! I almost started crying at lunch today and his aunt almost saw, but I'm tired of being told that I'm a disappointment to his family..

Am I completely wrong to think it's rude of them not to engage in conversation with me when I'm told I have to or else I will look like a rude Canadian who doesn't even consider them family? I myself don't always feel welcome. I can't just change who I am and become outgoing and chat them all up.. but I'm at a loss. We talked/hugged it out today after some lectures and tears but I'm still sad that every time I try, I fail.. I don't just want to give up on going out with them because it always ends up in a fight, I want to be present and I want them to like me I'm just upset.

[justcheckin]

rude? yes by your modern standards. However, you must understand if they are as traditional as you say, they do not think they are being rude. YOU might be being rude to them by NOT talking. I do not know much about viet culture, but I would think that family honor and such are up there with high values, and its critical that the family accepts you, and the only way for them to accept you is for you to almost "solicit" yourself to them. (You are trying to gain their acceptance by offering what you have to say)

That is of course if you care about all that kind of stuff. If you don't want to go traditional, they can get over it, and you can live a modern value life, just probably w/out the families TRUE consent. (keyword TRUE)

[reeba]

I grew up with foster brothers from vietnam - unescorted minors from the refugee camps. Now my brothers are grown and married (all to viet girls) I have the same situation when I visit their houses during the holidays. They all ended up sponsoring famility members so they could come to the US and the older generation never bothered to learn english. So either their parents sit there with no idea of what is going on if the language of choice is English, or you get to sit there with no idea what is going on if they speak viet.

And yes it is hard to get into the conversation if you have no idea on what the subject matter is. If they are all talking in viet about so and so's husbands gambling problem, you can't just interupt and out of the blue y in english 'how about that hockey game'

It isn't going to change. Either you can learn viet (good luck with that) or do what I do. I just go to the basement and hang out with my brothers' kids. They prefer to converse in English and even if someone speaks to them in viet they usually answer back in english. Other icrebreaker ideas - start getting your hair and nails done at a family member's shop/chair and during family get togethers try to figure out a way to help in the kitchen/ask to learn how to cook some of the food.

By the way my grandparents came to this country as young children. They never learned english until they went to gradeschool - and no back then there was no english as a second language classes, you sank or swam. My great grandparents barely learned english so naturally english was not spoken in the house. So what is grandma's take on my brother's family speaking the native tongue? She says it is rude.

[Agape]

If it's just a culture clash then it's hard to say if things are rude or not . . . what are you basing your comparison on, what's your reference?

Anyways, just try to let it not affect you too much - it's just differences in upbringing . . . what really matters if you and your boyfriend.

[RdHrshyKss]

i tend to be slightly conservative on this issue. they are living in Canada...and although you are visiting them at their house when they have family over, i think it's extremely rude for them to not initiate conversation with you in English. i get so annoyed with the mentality of people who emmigrate to a different country and don't bother trying to learn about the other country's language or mannerisms. why is it ok for them to expect you to put forth all this effort to fit in with their ways/culture, but they aren't doing the same for you? i personally wouldn't tolerate it. why did they invite you if they don't want to converse with you? it doesn't make any sense other than for them to put you in an awkward situation where you will feel out of place...a rude way of frustrating you to the point where you might leave.

my bf is Polish, and his family speaks Polish. but guess what? they moved to the USA and learned English! when they invite me over for dinner, even when they have family members over who aren't great at English, they still make an effort to speak in English so that i don't feel out of place...that is the polite thing to do, i am their guest. i've also made a slight effort to learn some Polish myself...not anything like Vietnamese, but Polish is still intimidating. i went with his family to Poland this past summer and made a big effort to try to speak in Polish. i can't have a lengthy conversation, but i can grasp some words every now and then and get an idea as to what is being said. i think the polite thing for you to do would be to try to learn some Vietnamese, but they should still be trying to include you at these family gatherings. and i think it's really messed up of your bf to be putting all the blame on you. his parents are equally involved in making the situation stressful by not putting forth the effort to include you. their negativity only makes the situation worse, so he should have a talk with them and let them know that he truly cares for you and that he won't tolerate them treating you badly like that. they live in Canada now and should respect that English is the language there, that you are their guest, that he cares about you, and they should do all they can to make you feel welcome, not ostracized.

i would say the best you can do is stay positive...don't let his family put you down (which is probably what they are trying to do). be the better person. learn some vietnamese and try to have a conversation with them in their language. have your bf or his siblings with you so that they can translate anything you don't understand. putting forth this type of effort should be good enough in your bf's eyes...otherwise i don't see the relationship working in the long run. if your bf is controlled by his parents, and his parents don't accept you, i don't think it would matter how hard you try, there will always be an issue in their eyes. good luck.