How do I do it?

[BreakingPoint]

Hi guys, I'm really sorry this is going to be a very long post. But I need to let it out.

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, and things are getting tough for me. It's my first "long" term relationship.

So I met her 4 years ago, and after just a year we moved in together. The first year was great, life was good, I wasn't too over worked, we had a lot of time together, and a lot of time apart, which was good for the relationship. When we moved in, my working hours changed, and for the last 3 years, I barely get to see her, even though we live together.

I feel like I've fallen out of love with her, and over the last month or so, I've been acting weird, and even told her I'm not sure this is right for me. We had some troubled times, arguments, chats, all of that, and discussed possible options on how to move forward. What we eventually ended up on, was that we're going to give the relationship 1 more shot. And since then I've been trying hard to please her, but I feel like she is getting ready to end the relationship, or getting ready for it to fail / for me to end it, because she's been more distant then I've ever known her.

I'm not a "romantic" - and don't suggest things like dinners / dates / cinema etc, but if she does, I'm happy to do them with her. Usually in our relationship, she will say "Let's do X on Saturday" - And I'll happily go with her, and we have a great time. Since we had the conversation, she hasn't been suggesting things anymore, and so trying to be true to my word of trying in the relationship, I am suggesting things (for a change ) - And she acts nonchalant about them, just saying things like "If you want" or "we can do", and doesn't seem too enthused about what I'm doing.

To try and keep this short, I'll leave out some of the finer details, but she's also started saying other things about moving her life forward. She worked alone in a store until very recently, and was saying to me the other day how she needs to find a job where she interacts with new people, and meets new people, has more friends, and enjoys her life more. She never thought about this before our chat. She was content with her work and with her friends.

Now, I'm not a massive fan of her friends, and we don't socialize, and the same is to be said between her and my mates. We seemingly have very little in common, and it feels more like a friendship than a relationship. We still have sex, but we don't really cuddle / kiss much any more, there isn't much loving attention, or anything like that.

To make things so overly complicated, I've fallen for a girl I work with. She has a partner, and I'm trying to keep her out of my mind while I resolve my relationship issues with my GF, but it's hard. After falling for this girl, I had convinced myself that my GF wasn't for me, because I didn't feel like I was treating her right, (emotionally, I'd never touch her physically) - and she deserves better than that, and she deserves someone to love her.

The thing is, I'm having second thoughts. I'm really torn. I feel like I need to get out of the relationship, I feel like I'm trapped, and I want to be able to spend time with this other girl (she also likes me, despite we're both in relationships) - But at the same time, I can't see my life without my GF. I just don't know how to know what's right. I'm scared that I leave her, and it's the wrong thing to do, and I screw up my chances due to some crazy thoughts that I've let roam around my head, but then I'm also worried that I stay with her and it's the wrong choice, and I waste more of my life with a girl I'm not in love with.

I really don't know what to do. And when I think about dumping her, my face kind of screws up and thinks... "no, what would I do without her".

I really need help. I've talked to my friends a bit about it, but not too in depth, but they don't seem to understand what I'm going through.

Thanks for reading, and I'll happily answer any questions.

[MerryH]

So it's only been a month since you decided to give it another shot? Do you think that's long enough?

And you really need to try harder to keep this other girl out of your mind. Actually, don't try, just do it. It's never going to work out with the other girl, don't even try, she's in a relationship, etc. So don't let that effect your existing relationship.

[GwenJade]

Well, it seems I have a comrade.

Firstly, my partner and I had a similar kind of conversation last week. He is a lot like what you described yourself as, not a romantic, happily-go-luckily, up for whatever guy. The thing is, us, crazy women we don't want that. We don't feel like that is taking an active interest in us, and what we want, so it's good that you've tried to do that.

Secondly, I am with you in the 'digging someone else' department. I am attracted to a Uni friend, and he is attracted to me. Thing is, I love my boyfriend very much, and though we have issue we need to work through, I could never leave him at this stage. You have to weigh up you deep emotions for her. Why have you been with her so long? Ask yourself that. And why did it work for so long?

Give her a chance to warm up to the idea that you're not going to flake on her, and go back to doing the same things that you used to do. I know I have been distant, and not as happy to go with my partner, because I'm scared that it's not going to last.

It's crazy women logic.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'm also in a similar situation. i've been with my bf for 4 years, and i love him very much, but neither of us are IN LOVE anymore. we feel more like roommates/friends than lovers. when we first talked about these issues, one of us was always on a different page. he wanted to end it and i wasn't ready, or i wanted to end it and he wasn't ready. after giving it a reasonable shot (almost a full year) we've both come to terms with the inevitable...we just aren't compatible. we live together too, and due to a bunch of issues with moving out and such, we've decided to stay together until the lease is up. but once our lease ends we're going our separate ways.

sounds like you told your girl that you were having doubts about the relationship (you obviously were since you are attracted to someone else) and she convinced you to stick it out to try to make it work, you agreed. now that you are getting the feeling that she is pulling away from you, and preparing for the end of the relationship, you are having doubts. you are feeling the rejection now. i think you are more afraid of being alone/rejected than losing her. it sounds like you aren't truly happy, and neither is she. sit her down and talk to her about it. lay it all out on the table and figure out what she's thinking. from what you said, it sounds like your original confrontation about things not working have finally clicked in her mind. she is realizing that things really aren't that good and that she isn't happy. it's a good step for her to be acknowledging this (saying how she wants to get a new job to make new friends, etc.). she is realizing she is unhappy with the way things are with her life and she is trying to actively do something to change that.

also, take what MerryH said seriously. things with this girl at work will NOT WORK. she is in another relationship and it is NEVER healthy to jump from one relationship to the next. with the way you described things, it sounds like if this coworker was single, you wouldn't be having such doubts about leaving your gf...you'd probably jump ship quickly and move on to the next girl. i think the smartest thing for you to do would be to talk to your gf. figure out exactly what's going on in her mind. is she coming to terms with the fact that things aren't working between you? if she is, then you guys need to figure out a course of action. do you continue trying to work on it? or do you move on? this is something you should be discussing with her. communication is key...it's the only way that things can work out or end smoothly.

also, start reflecting on yourself. try to figure out why you are having the feelings you are having. is it because you truly love her? or is it because you are afraid of being alone? if it is the latter, than you know you need to face your fear. maybe what you really need is to be single for awhile. concentrate on yourself. i know that's exactly what i'm going to do. i've jumped from relationship to relationship which has only led to problem after problem. i need to face my fear of being alone and work out those problems on my own...once i find happiness within myself and am okay with being alone, only then will i be ready to try another relationship. i'm not saying you are me, or that our situations are exactly the same, because they aren't. but i think some self-reflection would be really good for you right now.

[Agape]

Seems like the relationship is ending for both parties . . . As you said "What we eventually ended up on, was that we're going to give the relationship 1 more shot", if this doesn't work out then you two should move on

[BreakingPoint]

Hey guys, thanks for your posts.

MerryH -

I'm not sure how long is enough time. I don't want to perhaps waste a year of my life trying, for it to fail, but at the same time, I don't want to give it a few more weeks, and it not be enough time. As for the other girl, believe me, I'm trying my hardest to look at my relationship without her in the picture. And I think I am doing that.

GwenJade -

I ask myself, why HAVE I been with her so long. And honestly, I can't answer. I'm so torn right now. Have I been with her because there has been no one else, and our relationship is "easy" (We hardly ever argue, get on with our own lives etc) - Or have I been with her because I want to be. I'm really not sure. I'm getting the feeling she's scared this wont last (She has actually even said it a couple of times since we're trying again) - But that doesn't fill me with confidence. I'm the one that had the issues, I thought we resolved them, now she's thinking what I was. It makes me think that I was right in the first place, and it's very confusing.

RdHrshyKss -

Thanks for your post. I feel like you get my situation completely. We're literally like room mates so much so, that we pretty much have separate living rooms. That's not completely the case, so I will elaborate. We basically have a 3 bedroom house. Our room, the guest room and the games room. The game room is where I spend most of my spare time, I love computer games and play them a lot, (she was aware of this from day 1 in the relationship, and was happy with it) - And she sits in the living room in her spare time, watching TV or reading. We have not a lot in common in terms of what we like to watch on TV, and don't even like the same kinds of films, so this "works" for us, and because the relationship is where it is, it's just very easy to live like this.

I know this is probably just "easy" to say, or whatever, but I don't know how to know how I feel. This is my first proper relationship, and I'm experiencing feelings I've never felt before. I'm not sure what true love is, so I don't know if I truly love her or not, and I don't know if I'm still with her simply because I don't want to be a lone, or if it's because I actually want to be with her. I'm so confused, and it's getting me down quite a bit.

Thanks for your post, though.

[RdHrshyKss]

RdHrshyKss -

Thanks for your post. I feel like you get my situation completely. We're literally like room mates so much so, that we pretty much have separate living rooms. That's not completely the case, so I will elaborate. We basically have a 3 bedroom house. Our room, the guest room and the games room. The game room is where I spend most of my spare time, I love computer games and play them a lot, (she was aware of this from day 1 in the relationship, and was happy with it) - And she sits in the living room in her spare time, watching TV or reading. We have not a lot in common in terms of what we like to watch on TV, and don't even like the same kinds of films, so this "works" for us, and because the relationship is where it is, it's just very easy to live like this.

I know this is probably just "easy" to say, or whatever, but I don't know how to know how I feel. This is my first proper relationship, and I'm experiencing feelings I've never felt before. I'm not sure what true love is, so I don't know if I truly love her or not, and I don't know if I'm still with her simply because I don't want to be a lone, or if it's because I actually want to be with her. I'm so confused, and it's getting me down quite a bit.

Thanks for your post, though.

are you my boyfriend??? haha, sounds just like us. we have a 1 bedroom apartment, the computer is in the bedroom and that's where he is most of the time, i'm in the living room reading or watching TV or surfing the web on my laptop. it's become our living situation. and neither of us really enjoy many things in common.

i know exactly the kind of difficulty you are having figuring out what you're feeling. i majored in psych and sociology and i'm still having difficulty figuring out my own shit! have you ever considered going to a therapist? it might be good for you to go to someone who could help you learn to understand yourself better. i'm probably going to seek one out when i move back home.

when i look at my relationship with my bf, i've felt like he's shut me out the whole 4 years we've been together. why did i stay with him for so long? maybe because the idea of trying to get him to open up to me was intriguing. maybe it was because i was too afraid to be alone and was comfortable. i think it's a combination of both. i was always too optimistic and over time i became more and more stressed out and anxious about things not changing. it's so messed up too, because after our first 2 years together things were already crappy. we were still in college and i attributed a lot of our difficulties with the fact that he had never been in a relationship before me (i had a few) and he was slightly immature (notice how i'm blaming him and not myself for our issues?). i broke up with him. i got fed up with everything and just called it quits. but sadly, i built up the courage to do it because a coworker of mine was giving me some attention. he boosted up my esteem so to speak and the prospect of someone else being interested in me gave me the confidence to end my current relationship. we broke up, and my ex didn't take it too well. i tried things out with the coworker for a little while, but that was a lost cause...the guy was a jerk. anyways, my ex wasn't completely out of my life. i talked to him every now and then. he acknowledged a lot of the messed up things he did and apologized. we started getting close again and he was the guy i had always wanted him to be. we eventually got back together, and after another 2 years, i came to realize that it wasn't really him. he was doing what he thought i wanted him to do to win me back. and after we moved in together, a routine developed, and all the things he had been doing before stopped. i'm not saying he went back to his old ways, because he did mature a little. but we just weren't connecting anymore. the excitement died. and it's not all his fault. i know that i have some insecurity issues that are extremely detrimental to the way we interact. i've always been slightly insecure...i just never wanted to admit it, or admit that i had a fair share in the expiration of our relationship.

it sounds like you and your girl are being very mature about this. which is a great thing. my bf and i are both very stubborn so it adds a whole extra stressful layer to everything. but from what i'm reading, i'm personally leaning towards the opinion that you are afraid to leave her because you are comfortable.

1. do you see yourself being comfortable with your relationship as is in the future?
2. have you tried listening to your gf to see what she is unhappy about in the relationship? if so, have you acknowledged those things, tried working on them, and feel comfortable with the idea of making a permanent adjustment in that area?
3. have you tried talking to your gf about all the things that you are unhappy about in the relationship? if not, this might be one of the underlying problems. communication is key in a relationship. if you aren't communicating with your gf about how you are feeling, you are letting all these issues slip under the rug. but they are still there, under the rug, piling up and will continue to do so until the pile becomes so high that you will be tripping over it constantly. things need to be addressed.

the fact that you guys don't have a lot in common is a big red flag. my bf and i have the same issue. if you don't have much in common, there really is nowhere to meet halfway. if you can see yourself opening up to the things she enjoys and trying to appreciate them and share them with her, then you have a shot. as long as she is also willing to do the same for you.

there are some things that i can find myself enjoying that my bf enjoys, but we've already established this precedent in our relationship in the way we treat each other and interact that i just don't see it being possible for either of us to make that step successfully. i think going our separate ways is the only way for either of us to really clear our heads of all the crap that's been building up for so long. it might be the same for you. i'm not ruling out that my bf and i might get back together in the future (after a long time of self-reflection and more experience), but i'm not counting on it. chances are slim. i'm going to concentrate on myself. figuring out exactly what it is that i want, what makes me happy, what satisfies me and then go out looking for that. you can't force something to be something it isn't. it might be best for both of you to go your separate ways and figure it out on your own terms.

[BreakingPoint]

Thanks once again for another great post. I'll start by answering your questions...

1. do you see yourself being comfortable with your relationship as is in the future?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I mean, she's a doll. She does all the cooking, all the cleaning, runs errands, is a proper family girl, and has been raised that way by her mum, who was a house wife. So I look at her and think, yeah, she would be a great mother should we ever have children. But then I look at the way the relationship is right now, and think, damn, can I still be here in say... 5 years? And the answer to that is no. I almost feels like that answers all of my thoughts, but it doesn't. There was a time in our relationship where I felt like she really was the one. She said to me once early in our relationship, (I'm 25 now, was 21 when we started dating) - that she is worried that because I haven't experienced many partners, that I would leave her eventually to go out and explore other women, and while that's not exactly what I'm feeling right now (In spite of the "other girl") - I have always wondered about what I'm missing out on. I feel like I'm old before my time. I've frown up working for my dad, running his company, so had to be mature from a very young age, and am just starting to feel like... I need to get out there and do my own thing, instead of doing what I think I should be. We lived together for 3 years now, we have a dog, a car, a mortgage.... I feel like I should be 40, not 25 with all these things, I guess it's just a lot of pressure, on top of the fact work is extremely stressful right now, because it's a successful business.

2. have you tried listening to your gf to see what she is unhappy about in the relationship? if so, have you acknowledged those things, tried working on them, and feel comfortable with the idea of making a permanent adjustment in that area?

Yeah, we've had a few "sessions" where we open up and talk about our issues. And most of the time, we compromise, or, she just accepts what I'm asking for, and gets on with it. For example, about a year ago, it came about that she wanted kids by the time she is 30, mainly due to the fact women lose a certain % of conceiving once they hit 30, but for me, I only want to start thinking about kids (and marriage) - when I get to 30. She's 28, I'm 25. This for me, is a MASSIVE issue, but for her, she was on the "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" path. I've mentioned a few times, after a few pregnancy scares, that I'm not even close to ready for kids, and she says neither is she. She sits for my sisters two kids from time to time, and always after says things like "I'm definitely not ready for kids yet" - Which is all well and good, but I think she says it just to please me. 3 of her 4 best friends have all fallen pregnant in the last year, and she's getting to an age where she is ready for kids. I know she loves me, and I know she sees me as the one, which makes things very hard for me, because she pretty much gives in to my every demand. Which isn't fair on either of us, and I've told her this before, too. But no matter what, she always says she knows I'm the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and as a 25 year old, that shit is scary. Other things she has issues with in the relationship are small things, not enough date nights (Which we're working on right now) and not enough loving attention. The issue with the second one is, at the moment, despite the fact I'm trying my hardest to make this work, it all feels like a chore, and very false when I do things like that for her. Cuddles, kisses, we never make out any more, I don't allow it, I know she feels that I'm not putting my all in to it still, but I just can't. I don't know why, because I really want too, but because I'm still so torn in my head, I just don't feel like it's right to commit to her in this manner, and perhaps lead her down the path thinking we're OK, and then turn around and be like... "yeah, this isn't working for me".

3. have you tried talking to your gf about all the things that you are unhappy about in the relationship? if not, this might be one of the underlying problems. communication is key in a relationship. if you aren't communicating with your gf about how you are feeling, you are letting all these issues slip under the rug. but they are still there, under the rug, piling up and will continue to do so until the pile becomes so high that you will be tripping over it constantly. things need to be addressed

I tell her about the things I'm unhappy with. The baby issue, the small things she does on a constant basis that I hate, and the fact that I'm not sure the relationship is right. Since our first big chat a month ago, we've talked about it quite often, and are trying to work hard at it, but something doesn't feel right.

Ultimately, I really feel like I need a break from the relationship, but at the same time, as I've said before, I don't know if I can be without her. After being single all my teens (well, pretty much single) - then being in a full on 4 year relationship, I'm not sure what I'd do with myself if I were to be single. That again makes it seem like I don't want her, but then I look at how the relationship would be in the future, and it would be great. As I mentioned, she'd be a great mum, a great housewife, we don't have physical fights, we do have fun, and enjoy each others company, and we get along just fine. It just really seems like a friendship.

Thanks again for your post though, it's helped me understand a bit more about what I want in life

[RdHrshyKss]

you sound like a great guy...and all of your concerns are valid. i think my bf is in the same place. i was his first real relationship and i think he isn't comfortable with the idea of me being the last one he'd ever be with. i've been in a few relationships previously, one even lasted 3 years...so that's not really the case for me. my issue is that i'm just not seeing us together down the line, i just don't see us as compatible. i absolutely hate the way things are between us right now. we've come to an agreement to hold out until the end of the lease to make things easier on both of us and our families, but i'm going to have to be one tough cookie to get through these next 4 months. i'm getting off track because he and i were supposed to go out tonight and we got in a spat and that went straight out the window, as usual (sometimes i feel like he sabotages things on purpose...maybe i do too..ugh!)

anyways...i think you should really trust your instincts. all the positives you listed are good things, but they aren't things that fall under the category of love. you say there are things that she does that really bother you, you don't have much in common, don't enjoy much of the same things, you can't get yourself to want to be intimate with her or affectionate with her naturally...these are all clear signs that you might have reached the end. it sounds like you really do have A LOT of pressure on you right now, and you are very young. i'm 25 too and i couldn't imagine having all that pressure on me...i'd crack. it's better that you are having these feelings now rather than later. my bf told me the other day that he's at the point where he just wants to be selfish, do his own thing, hang out with his friends, race his car, go mountain biking, play computer games...all without the pressure of being in a relationship. i can see where he's coming from. sounds like you haven't really had much time to concentrate on yourself either. i know it might feel selfish ending things with her because of the dog, and the mortgage and the fact that you guys live together and the fact that she wants to have kids by 30 and she's already 28...it sucks. but it would be more fair of you to end things now, rather than string her along even longer. friendship is a key component of a successful relationship, but it isn't the only aspect. intimacy is also very important, and it sounds like that is nonexistent for you. same with my relationship. if she was the right one for you, you wouldn't feel like you'd have to force yourself to be affectionate and intimate with her. maybe all that pressure has made it extremely hard for you to connect to her like that...but if she was right for you, my personal opinion is that you'd look at her being in your life positively, as someone who alleviates some of that stress...not adds to it.

who knows, maybe you'll break up with her, have some time to yourself and eventually realize that your mind was clouded from all the stress you're under, that you placed part of the blame on her to lessen the burden on yourself. sometimes i think that's part of the issue with my bf. he has all this stuff going on in his life, work, leisure, family, etc. and he'll place a lot of the blame for him feeling overly stressed on me and the relationship rather than on all the other things going on with him. it makes it easier for him to deal by thinking that way. that if he gets rid of me he'll feel a whole lot better off. and yes, part of that is true, he will feel better off because he'll have one less thing to worry about. but i'm not really the entire problem and i think he has a shit load of maturing to do before he can figure that out and be capable of committing himself to someone else. relationships take effort, no two people are perfect for each other...everyone has to work a little to make a relationship a happy one.

your gf just might be the right one for you, but not at this time it seems. it's a case of bad timing. it's shitty, and your decision is not going to be easy...both staying and leaving come with their setbacks. it's what you'll get in the long term that will make all the difference and i think you'll gain a lot more by stepping back from the relationship and taking some time for yourself. it might be selfish, but you will only end up resenting her later on if you were to stay and that wouldn't be fair to either of you.

[BreakingPoint]

Hey.

Thanks again for another great post, RHK.

I know now for sure, that the relationship with my current girl will never last. After taking advice from here, and from a close friend, everything is pointing out that it's not right. I feel so guilty, I feel like I'm letting her, and our families down. I've tried really hard to make this work, but in spite of all you've said, the feelings for this other girl just aren't going away, and I'm just not content in my relationship. I feel like I love my girlfriend, but I'm not in love with her. And the worst part is, she thinks (I think, I'll explain) - that things are going well with us right now.

Basically, since Wednesday, there have been some developments with the other girl (very minor, but something) - And I've been going home to my girlfriend, pretty much ignoring her in the sense, we're not talking much, just chilling out, watching TV, putting a film on in bed, and her cuddling up to me. Usually, I go and play video games before getting in to bed, and she's already asleep, but because I've had so much on my mind recently, I just haven't had the energy to do anything other than veg out when I get home.

So, my GF tells me yesterday, that since she's been off work this week, and we've been "spending more time" together, that she's happy with the attention she is getting, and she feels we're getting back to being in a good place. I really didn't mean to mislead her like this. I've not shown any affection, other than pretty much allowing her to cuddle me while we're in bed, and I barely say anything to her, and answer her abruptly when she asks questions. I don't mean to be an asshole about it, and I know I am, but I just don't feel right in myself right now.

I also want to bring up the point about the other girl, in which many of you have told me "it will not work" - Can I just ask, why have you got this opinion? Her friend (who also works for me) - And I have had a lot of chats about her recently, and I basically opened up and told her how I'm feeling, and about my relationship. I've talked to her about it a little before, but never in great detail, and she says she knows I like the other girl, it's obvious by the way I act etc. Now, the other girl is also in a relationship, but she's not happy, and has some massive issues with her BF. The friend told me today, that they were talking on the way in to work, and she asked her if we were both single, what would happen.... and her words were "I would be your boss" - meaning, she'd be with me were we both single. She also told the friend that she has very strong feelings for me. We had a fun day together at work today, and I feel like I'm getting closer to her every day.

I know you guys and girls said this will never work, but I really really care for this girl. I would do just about anything for her. I think she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, she's funny, she's smart, she has little things about her that I love, and more importantly in a relationship, she also cares about me. My head is going round in circles recently.

Thanks for reading.

[RdHrshyKss]

oh man. you've made things a whole lot more complicated for yourself. you are misleading your girlfriend because you aren't communicating with her. stop worrying about what your family is going to think etc. think about it this way...which do you think is worse? you breaking up with her now? or you waiting awhile (because you are too nervous/afraid about what your family/she will think), allowing things to continue escalating with your coworker, eventually your gf finding out (it's not just between you and this girl anymore, other people know what's going on), you being labeled as a cheater, and her dumping you heartbroken? i think it's a no brainer.

you say you care about your gf, and don't want to hurt her. but look what you are doing? you are not telling her how you feel and are having an emotional affair with some chick from work. how horrible. you told her you would give it another shot, but the whole time you're pretty much cheating on her. i'm sorry, i felt for you when it came to things just not working out..things becoming stagnant and having difficulty letting go of it because you've been together awhile. but come on, grow some balls and just TELL HER. you are making things so much worse for both of you.

and as for this coworker. i'm not saying that she might not be this terrific girl, who you are way more compatible with...but right now, she is your escape. she is the thing that is helping you feel better when you've felt so shitty in your current relationship. she is in a relationship too, you are her escape. things in her relationship suck, and you are giving her attention so it is making her feel good. i can see how you guys have found a means to boost each other up a bit...but going so far as to say that you have major feelings for her and want to possibly start a relationship with her once you get the guts to finally end it with your gf? sorry, don't see it working...because the feelings you have for her have grown not because you truly care about HER, but because you felt empty in your current, stressful relationship and you needed to fill the void. your coworker showed up right on time. the same goes for her. like i said, you are each other's escape. jumping into another relationship like that is just a horrible, horrible idea. sounds like you are afraid to be alone, as is she, and this is your way of leaving your current relationship, yet still having someone. you can't have your cake and eat it too. you need to figure your shit out. figure out what it is that you want, why the hell you stayed with your gf for so long when things just weren't working, because that is a major sign that you have some dependency issues. i have them too. i've always been afraid to be alone and it's never got me anywhere but into trouble. the only way i'll be completely happy in a relationship is if i stop being so dependent on others, get my freakin life on track the way i want it to be, where i'm happy and content, and find a guy who falls in line with that.

i know it's hard...and i know that you might be so stricken with feelings for this girl that you might be totally shaking me off, but seriously consider this. you really need some time to self-reflect and you can't do any of that when you are jumping into the affections of some other girl...it's like you are subconsciously distracting yourself from having to do this because you are afraid of what you are going to find out, or you are afraid of it being too difficult. you are taking the easy way out. and who's to say this girl isn't just feeling the way she feels towards you for the wrong reasons. she's in a relationship too...do you know what's going on there? maybe she is just projecting things onto you, things she wants to believe about you because it'll make it easier for her to end her relationship? you really need to take a minute and think about all this...and for god's sake, please break up with your gf. you are being so horrible to her right now that i'm starting to get really upset with you.

[BreakingPoint]

FFS.

I'm not kidding, I spent the last 45 minutes writing a reply, on for me to be "logged out" in the process, and lost it all. Can't tell you how angry I am about that.

I'll try to reconstruct the post, I guess.....

[BreakingPoint]

OK, so what I had before had everything. It was stupidly long. I didn't intend for it to be, otherwise I wouldn't have put it in the reply box, I'd have wrote it on word or something then copied it. I'm never going to be able to recreate what I had, but I'm going to try.

I literally don't know where to begin. So apologies if I just ramble.

I know I'm being an asshole to my girlfriend, and I know you only hear my side of the story, but it's not all exactly as it seems. Since we had the heart to heart, I've felt like I spent time trying to make the relationship work, and she was being awkward, and then it felt like we both reversed the roles, and she started trying, and I stopped. I know what you're saying, I should break it off with her due to the other girl. But for the time I was trying in my relationship, I was putting this girl to the back of my mind. I was being everything I thought my girl wanted, and it was going OK, until she would say something stupid to kill the mood. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm a winner. I don't like to give up on things, and I don't feel like we've given this relationship the "try" that we said we would, because at no stage since that conversation has it been 50-50. Perhaps that's something I should address with her, and try to correct. I can appreciate you saying that the longer I leave it, the more I'm hurting her, but ending it now just doesn't feel right.

You are right in saying I don't want to be alone. I don't. I'm shit scared of being alone. I spent up 'till I was 21 alone, and it was never fun. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my own company, but after being in a relationship for so long, I just don't know what I'd do if I was single. I also hurt at the thought of breaking it off with my girl. I know you will probably assume I'm just trying to justify myself with what I'm about to say, but I'm not. It's just what happens. So, as I've said, the shoe is kind of on the other foot now, with my girl trying to make us work, and me not, but it's not exactly like that. She finds ways to absolutely kill the mood. Last night for example. We go out, have a great time, and all is well. On the drive home, she says "When we get married, do we do it in this country, or another" - and without allowing me to respond, she says "well it probably doesn't matter, it's not like you're going to ask me anyway" - and I'm just like, what the ****. Why did you do that? Why did you turn a great night in to a shitty night. It then makes the rest of the drive home awkward, and ruins the night. And she does it a lot. She lays it on really really thick, saying stuff like "I'm the greatest man she's ever met, she doesn't care if we don't get married, as long as we're together" and all this stuff, and then says something after like "well, as long as you don't leave me". It happens a lot, and it's annoying. It's just like, no wonder I perhaps focus my attentions else where, when she acts like this. Like I say, you probably assume this is just me trying to justify why and what for, but it's not. I'm just putting you in the loop.

I've tried to be as open and honest as I can on here, and I know that if I'm not, I may as well just not bother posting, because it's not going to help anything, so hopefully you can take what I'm telling you on board. I'm still not saying that ignoring my GF and giving attention to another girl is acceptable, because I know it isn't, but sometimes she makes it really easy for me to do that. I'm not really sure what else to say on the matter of my girl. When it's good with her, it's GREAT, but it's the little things she does and says that make it hard.

Now, before I continue, I just need to let you know something about me. I'm not telling you this because I want your sympathy, or because you'll "feel" for me, or anything like that. I'm just saying it because I feel it's important, for what I say after.

So, I told you I work for my dad. I work really long hours, and only get 2 days off a week (I understand most people get 2 days off a week, but yeah...) - which are Monday and Tuesday. So my weekends are never free. I get up at 8.30 every morning, I'm at work for 10am, and I finish at midnight. I get home at 1am, and usually play video games, or watch TV with my girl. This gets very monotonous, and my GF has always had an issue in our relationship with the fact that I'm at work so much. She once suggested that I change jobs, but my dads company is very successful, and if I changed jobs, we couldn't afford to live where we live, drive the cars we drive, and have the lifestyle she has. Also, I've spent 6 years of my life building this company with my dad, and for me to just leave, just as it's starting to make money, and let some one else come in and reap the benefits of my hard work, os something I just can't consider.

Now, at work, people always tell me I have a "serious face" all the time, and am always serious, that I never have fun. But you know, I give a lot to my job, because I get a lot out of it.

(I've missed something that I said in the previous post that didn't post, that I can't quite remember. So sorry if this seems like a "jump" in things...)

So the other girl.

Now, things with her haven't just come about over the last 6-8 weeks. I mean, the really strong feelings have just come about over the last week, but it didn't just happen. When she first started working for me, we had a connection. Not romantically, I didn't really feel for her in that way. I just saw her as a friend. We got on well, she's easy to talk too, we have stuff in common. She's an attractive girl, but until recently (she's been working for me for 7 months) - I never looked at her and though I'd get emotionally attached. Things with my girl were good, I was content in the relationship, and to my knowledge, at that time she was happy in her relationship. A couple of my staff used to poke fun, saying that we look like a couple, because we were close, but we would laugh it off, because there was nothing there. We went out one night on a works do. I had a lot of fun with her, and a few of my other work mates, and it was quite unusual for me. We were quite flirty, but for me, I was just thinking, eh, it was a fun night, nothing more. I didn't dwell on the fact I had fun with her. the friend (the other girl that works for me) - said that she had never seen me smile so much, and have so much fun (this girl has worked for me for 3 years now) - and that when I was talking to the other girl, I was looking at her like she was the only girl in the room. I told her to stop being silly, it was just a night out, and again just pushed past it.

The next day, the other girl started texting me. It was nothing really, just niceties, and my girl even read me some of the messages, and replied for me, because my hands were tied, and I have nothing to hide. Even to this day, I have nothing to hide in text messages. I again didn't think anything of it. It was a good night out, she's my friend, she's texting me. If it was a guy, I wouldn't start thinking I'm in to him, so why different just because she's a girl.

After this, we started getting closer and closer. I find it so easy to talk to her, so would talk to her about anything. I don't have many close friends, quite simply because I struggle to trust people, as more often than not, they want to be my friend because of money, and not for who I am, and my 2 closest mates left my area to pursue a music career. So for me, I would talk to her about everything. We had another works night out, about 10 weeks ago, and that's when I started to have (or perhaps allow) - feelings for her. It's hard to explain without sounding like an ass, but we just had this connection. We danced a little, we had fun together, and the friend said yet again, that I look at her like she's the only girl in the world.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm only feeling for this girl because of what's going wrong in my relationship, and that makes logical sense. But it doesn't feel that way for me. Again, I'm not trying to justify myself, and I'm not trying to push all the blame on to my girl, I'm right, she's wrong, any of that. I know what I'm feeling for this girl shouldn't happen if I was in a happy relationship, but it has happened. And the thing is, I tell myself, if this girl wasn't in the picture, I would give it my best shot with my girl, but again, because she makes it so hard, it makes it easy for me to look at this other girl in the manner I do. I honestly don't feel like I'm ready to give up on my relationship with my girlfriend. The whole thing is leaving me mentally exaughisted. I'm so torn.

I don't really expect you (or the forum) to have answers for me. What you said is true, I need to sort my shit out. But I'm lost as to how.

Sorry for the calamity of that post, everything was so much more clear and concise before.

Thanks for reading.

[RdHrshyKss]

that's happened to me before, i know just how annoying it is

So, as I've said, the shoe is kind of on the other foot now, with my girl trying to make us work, and me not, but it's not exactly like that. She finds ways to absolutely kill the mood. Last night for example. We go out, have a great time, and all is well. On the drive home, she says "When we get married, do we do it in this country, or another" - and without allowing me to respond, she says "well it probably doesn't matter, it's not like you're going to ask me anyway" - and I'm just like, what the ****. Why did you do that? Why did you turn a great night in to a shitty night. It then makes the rest of the drive home awkward, and ruins the night. And she does it a lot. She lays it on really really thick, saying stuff like "I'm the greatest man she's ever met, she doesn't care if we don't get married, as long as we're together" and all this stuff, and then says something after like "well, as long as you don't leave me". It happens a lot, and it's annoying. It's just like, no wonder I perhaps focus my attentions else where, when she acts like this. Like I say, you probably assume this is just me trying to justify why and what for, but it's not. I'm just putting you in the loop.

she is doing this because she isn't comfortable in the relationship. she doesn't trust that you are fully invested (which you aren't). i used to do this stuff with my boyfriend all the time. i'm an insecure girl. i would do it to see what his response would be i guess. to try to get some kind of reassurance. i'm not saying that doing it is right, but i am saying i can see why she is doing it. #1 she's probably an insecure girl after spending so many years with you to find out that you aren't really that happy in the relationship and #2 she is getting the sense that you are just not committed, invested, or interested in her anymore.

She once suggested that I change jobs, but my dads company is very successful, and if I changed jobs, we couldn't afford to live where we live, drive the cars we drive, and have the lifestyle she has. Also, I've spent 6 years of my life building this company with my dad, and for me to just leave, just as it's starting to make money, and let some one else come in and reap the benefits of my hard work, os something I just can't consider.

this is really, really important. your gf won't be able to handle you working like this forever. she's already suggested you look for another job that would be more convenient for her and the relationship. i'm not going to go so far as to say that she is really needy, because your hours do suck. i don't know if i'd be able to handle being in a relationship with someone who worked like that either, UNLESS the guy was really into me and made a serious, conscious effort to prove that to me when he wasn't working. this is a big, big problem since you aren't that into your gf. there are a lot of things that turn you off about her AND you have this other girl on the side that you are getting attention from. if your job is that important to you (which i can totally understand/respect why it would be), than i just don't see how your relationship would work. your gf has already started resenting the fact that you are never around because she isn't getting what she needs when you are around. you guys just aren't compatible in this regard.

After this, we started getting closer and closer. I find it so easy to talk to her, so would talk to her about anything. I don't have many close friends, quite simply because I struggle to trust people, as more often than not, they want to be my friend because of money, and not for who I am, and my 2 closest mates left my area to pursue a music career. So for me, I would talk to her about everything. We had another works night out, about 10 weeks ago, and that's when I started to have (or perhaps allow) - feelings for her. It's hard to explain without sounding like an ass, but we just had this connection. We danced a little, we had fun together, and the friend said yet again, that I look at her like she's the only girl in the world.

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm only feeling for this girl because of what's going wrong in my relationship, and that makes logical sense. But it doesn't feel that way for me. Again, I'm not trying to justify myself, and I'm not trying to push all the blame on to my girl, I'm right, she's wrong, any of that. I know what I'm feeling for this girl shouldn't happen if I was in a happy relationship, but it has happened. And the thing is, I tell myself, if this girl wasn't in the picture, I would give it my best shot with my girl, but again, because she makes it so hard, it makes it easy for me to look at this other girl in the manner I do. I honestly don't feel like I'm ready to give up on my relationship with my girlfriend. The whole thing is leaving me mentally exaughisted. I'm so torn.

i don't know what to tell you. you feel so torn because you have already allowed things with this other girl to escalate too far. she is obviously interfering with your ability to work things out with your girlfriend. you really only have two choices here. #1 break up with your girlfriend so that you aren't stringing her along anymore with false hope, and so that you can pursue things with this other girl if you really feel like you have to. or #2 stop flirting with this other girl and actually work on things with your girlfriend, give it an honest shot before you blow it all away.

i understand it's hard. and i know a lot of people on this forum, who have been through a similar situation, understand what you are going through. it's always hard to end a relationship with someone that you care about. no one discounts the fact that you care for your girlfriend...you just aren't in love with her. and from the sounds of it, just aren't compatible in the long run. sounds to me like you are falling for this girl at work who is pulling you farther and farther away from your current relationship. my personal opinion is that you should go with #1, but with a slight twist. break up with your current gf, and then go to your coworker and explain to her that you can't jump into another relationship right away. that if things would ever work between the two of you, that you need to take some time for yourself to clear your mind and get over the break up the right way. if you decide to go with #2, then you need to stop doing what you are doing with your coworker. pull her aside and explain to her exactly what's going on, that you care about your gf and you want to give it a real honest shot before you can make any permanent decision of its outcome. explain that in order to put 100%, you need to stop associating with her for a bit. there will be no way for you to fully invest into trying to make things work with your gf if this coworker is still in the picture. you just can't have the best of both worlds here.

but either way, you need to make a decision and quick. you already mentioned that your gf knows of you communicating with this other girl, if you continue to go the route you are going, i'm almost certain she will figure out what's going on and you will have a major shitstorm to deal with at that point. really put some thought into this and make a move, and do it fast.

[BreakingPoint]

Thanks again for your post. If there was like an "Epic thanks" button on here, I'd press it.

I would love to give it a "real" shot with my GF. But there are a few factors that stop me trying. (That's a lame thing to say, but yeah...) - 1. I can't really "distance" myself from the girl I work with, well, not physically. I could obviously tell her, hey, I can't talk to you anymore, but that would make the working atmosphere extremely awkward. She could find another job, but she is very happy here after a string of crappy jobs. She earns good money, she has her best friend working here (not me ) - and it's close to where she lives. The hours are flexible for her here, too. So I really don't want to put her in a position where she leaves the job because of me, and perhaps goes back to struggling to earn good money in crap jobs. 2. As you've said, and as I've clearly stated, in the long run, things with my GF don't look like they're going to work out. That's not to say they WONT work out, because hey, who knows, maybe they will. The thing before was, she was quite happy with my working hours, because when my dad retires, I can move in to the accommodation above the business, and my girl would come with me. That way, there would be no 2 hours travel time per day, and my working hours would be a lot more relaxed. This was supposed to happen some time soon, but a few years ago, things took a turn for the worse, the business lost a substantial amount of money, and the business partner, for want of a better word, was a complete asshole. It took us the last 3 years to stabalise the company financially, and in turn, that has delayed my dads retirement for probably up to 5 years. When I said that to my GF, it was the first time she expressed her concerns that she can't do "this" for that much longer. But her being her, would say a week later "I don't care if it's 10 years, as long as we're together" and then some weeks later, it's not good enough again.

If I take the other option, and break it off with my girl, I've already told my self, under no circumstances will I enter right in to a relationship with the other girl. I also wouldn't get in to any relationship. I'd take time out to organize my life, and then see what happens. However, (as I said, I'm being open and honest here ) - I've thought about what would happen in both options. And should I break up with my girl, it would become very very tough for me to not get further involved with the other girl, for the reasons I stated above. Now, today is my birthday (yay me. 26 ) - And the other girl was the first to message me, on the stroke of midnight, with birthday wishes. Nothing major, but I know she was out with her guy last night, so the fact she hit me up on the mark, was.... I guess intriguing. My girl has messaged me and called me a few times today, and was getting a little antsy about gifts. Now, I don't want to seem materialistic or anything, but I earn good money, and really don't want for anything. So when my girl asks me what I want, and I tell her (like I've told everyone who has asked) - that I don't want anything, she's getting funny about it, and causing a bit of drama. Nothing major, just a little attitude. I said to her, if she gets something unique, something she's put thought in to, I'll be more than happy, it doesn't have to be expensive. If she gets me nothing but a card, with some nice words, I'll be happy. But she doesn't get that. She doesn't understand that there is literally nothing in this world right now of material value that I actually WANT.

Now, I text the other girl about an hour ago, with regards to work. I need some info from her for what she wants to do next week. And instead of texting me (like she normally would) - She phones me, wishes me happy birthday, and tells me she has a small gift for me, but it's not exciting. We had a brief chat, she's booked her flight home for Christmas, and I asked how her night was last night. We wrapped the convo up, and it ended there.

When I take both calls in to consideration, I struggle. I struggle mentally. I don't know how to handle this. I wish so bad that my girl acted the way the other girl just did. She has brightened up my day, and I'm now sat in my office at work with a smile on my face.

I know this doesn't really help what I said at the start of this post, with wanting and trying to make it work with my girl, but can you see (and perhaps appreciate) why my head is in a mix over this?

Also, the communication thing doesn't bother my girl. I talk to lost of women and men every day, and have several very attractive female staff that I'm in constant contact with. Fruits of my labour, I guess. (Just for your info, I've never ever had feelings for any other girl that works for me. I don't really see my employees in that manner, ever. Except one.)

Thanks again for reading / replying. I know it's a lot of text to read and what not. But I really need to open up and try to get my thoughts straight, and this place allows me to do it.

Oh, one last thing. I know that in the grand scheme of things this is probably quite minor, but the sex with my girl is, and always has been phenomenal. In that department, we're a perfect match.