I'm so lost as to what to do?

[EmTy66]

Hi,
I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. I searched the web for info and ended up here. Can someone help?
Here goes: I was married for 22 years, with him for 25. 3 yrs ago my ex out of the blue asked me for a divorce. I hadn't a clue. We were best friends, we were soal mates. So I thought. Ended up he was having and affar. Looonng story. Anyway for 2 years, (he would not file for divorce, just moved out to be with his whore) I tried everything in my power and thensome to save my marriage. I took it extremely hard and put myself, and my girls through way more than I should have. I should have divorced the SOB right away and saved us all alot of grieve. Anyway, I've been divorced now for 2 years. A little over a year ago something weird happend. A very sweet man that I've worked with for a long time, and I started seeing each other. I don't know how it happened neither does he, it's just we ended up talking one night and the rest is history.
He is so different than my ex. He's kind and sweet and funny. He would do anything for me and my daughter. I can trust him 100%. He tells me all of the time how wonderful I am, how beautiful, how sexy. (something I've NEVER had). He's gentle and pure, he's never mean. Sounds like the perfect man huh?
Then the bad. He works ALL the time. He farms and works full time. He drinks WAY too much. He hates inside dogs, he doesn't like to dance, he doesn't like camping, you hardly can get him away from home, he thinks flowers and plants are a waste of time and money, all the things I love about life. Or that have always been important to me.
And then the sex. He has a hard time getting aroused. He's quick on the gun. And last night, we both had a few, I was feeling adventurous and so was he, we foreplayed then I gave him oral, he finished, I was left unsatisfied. We never even got to sex. I was angry. Feeling used and unrespected. Like I didn't matter. I went to sleep and he knew I was upset. He asked if I was mad I said yes, he said fine and rolled over and went to sleep. This morning he stayed in bed a lot longer than normal. He got up and groweled at me because my dog was laying on my blanket. I had it and got my stuff around to go home. He asked me where I was going I told him home. I went into the other room and sat down. I wanted him to come talk to me. He didn't then he went to the basement to shower so I left.

I really don't know if I should keep on trying to make this relationship work. Or should I just give up. It could be so much worse I know that, my marriage was. But will I be happy with this man?

[GuitarmanMCS]

I would just be forthright and honest with him. Sit him down and tell him how much he means (meant) to you and tell him how badly you want to save this relationship. Vent everything that is concerning you and tell him to do the same if he has any problems. You will know immediately how caring he is by his willingness to talk. If he takes your needs seriously, I would say that he cares and work through the problems. If he brushes off the problems and acts like there isn't anything wrong, then maybe you should consider looking elsewhere. I certainly would not pull the plug immediately; it would be a damn shame to finish off something good when it can be fixed. However, if this is going to be an ongoing problem, perhaps you should consider it.

I would definitely give him another chance. Let him know how you feel. The key ingredient in any healthy relationship is both partners being willing to listen to other side.

Good luck!

[Agape]

Hmm. . . .well you have to weigh in pros and cons . . . as for this "he's gentle and pure, he's never mean" that seems to be countered by what you said after.

I'd watch out for the drinking problem, that could turn out bad. . . also he works all the time, he might not have enough time for you if things get serious

[EmTy66]

Thats one of the problems. He's a conflict avoider. When he knows I'm upset he wants to sweep it under the rug, and let it go away. We try to talk, well I do, and we never seem to be able to solve anything. He was married before for six years. He blames her for all of their divorce because she had an affair and took him for alot of money. But sometimes I wonder how much of our issues did he have with her. And the drinking thing is a huge issue with me and he knows it. I don't care if he drinks, I like to too. But I'll nver again become second to a beer can (i've made this very clear from the beginning). And the time thing Ive said the same to him many many times.

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds like you guys aren't compatible. if you have tried talking to him about things already and he refuses to listen or acknowledge your concerns, then he most likely won't change. i'd move on now rather than waste more time trying to fix something that you can't do alone. if he isn't willing to work on it with you, then things will never change. there are other men out there that are better for you, and the longer you waste time with this guy, the less time you'll have finding mr. right. especially for the sake of your daughter, if you aren't happy with this guy, she will know it.

[Agape]

He's a conflict avoider. When he knows I'm upset he wants to sweep it under the rug, and let it go away. We try to talk, well I do, and we never seem to be able to solve anything

In that case, you should find someone else . . . ignoring problems don't fix them

[EmTy66]

What about your quote RdH? Thoughts like these are what keep me wondering about this guy. That and he's so perfect is soo many ways.

[davedlt]

Hi Em Ty66,

I understand your frustration and confusion as to what to do and where to go. There is something you can do to fix this and get more clarity in this situation, but it's gonna take a bit of courage.

At the moment it seems that you have a lot of frustrations about needs not being met, and having your way of looking and thinking of life disagreed with - the dogs inside, flowers, etc.

It seems from what you were saying about what he was doing shows that he also has a number of frustrations and issues, with your relationship, his past relationship, and life.

So here is where the courage comes in. For just a little while, put your frustrations and feelings to one side (you haven't ignored them or anything, you have just deferred them to a later appointment), and focus on understanding his frustrations and feelings.

This is not about him being right and you being wrong, or you not being as important as him, or anything involving a power struggle like that. This is about understanding him because you love him.

Now this might be difficult because he will be explaining his feelings which might disagree with your opinions, or you might not like listening to him while you are struggling to be understood, but this is where the courage comes in. You put aside the urge to get your point across and argue, and just listen and understand him exactly the way that you would like him to listen and understand you.

If you can't do that for him, how could you expect him to do that for you? If you can do that for him, you will know at the end of it exactly where to go in this situation. If he returns what you gave him and listens to you, you will both grow to a better place together. If he doesn't, you will know for sure to let him go, and it will be easy.

You will get a chance to be understood. That will be taken care of. Just give it first and it will be taken care of for you. Either by him or someone else. But focus on fully understanding him first, and then express your own feelings.

Best wishes.

Dave.

[EmTy66]

Awesome advice Dave, Thank you

[EmTy66]

So, I guess I've been kind of playing games with him. I'm hurt. He calls me everyday, morning and night. I've not been taking his calls. One reason is so that he knows how frustrating it is to just be blown off. Two because I needed some time to breath, or to get my thoughts together. So I'm not REALLY playing but I know that that's what he'll think. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I do want to sit down and try and talk this all out. I trully beliieve that communication is key to a realationship. I talk to him, but I don't know that he hears me. And he never talks. He really doesn't act like he has a complaint about me at all. The only time he ever gets angry with me, that I know of, is when I'm upset with him, then he imediatiely turns it around and makes me the problem. Like Dave said it is very frustrating. I'm so trying to make this relationship work and he is too. I just don't know if it will. We are so different, but yet the same in alot of ways. I've never been treated so good in my life but why am I left feeling empty sometimes, or like I'm missing out, or alone? I do love this man very much, but I don't love him like I loved my husband. I don't feel the connection like I did with him. Is that because there is only one true love in your life? I've heard that, is it true? I do plan on talking to him, and I guess I'll go from there. It is just so hard to sort out my feelings and try and figure out where to go from here.

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds to me like you haven't found your true love yet. your ex wasn't it, he left you, remember? and the more i read what you're saying about this current guy, the more i'm thinking you two are just not compatible. he doesn't sound like he's interested in talking or listening. sounds like he'd rather ignore the problems or project them onto you when you bring them up...it's a rather immature way of handling things. it doesn't sound like he's willing to open up to you. you said it yourself, communication is key to a healthy relationship. it doesn't matter what you do from this point forward...if he isn't on the same page as you, nothing will change. i think you need to talk to him about this...be honest and direct about your feelings, but try to be rational, don't let your feelings/emotions get the better of you. tell him that the communication aspect of the relationship needs to change or it won't work...and it needs to start with him opening up to you about exactly what he's feeling. people are going to have their differences...but it's about being open and accepting of these differences, and even appreciative of them, that can allow two people to connect on an extraordinary level. from what you've submitted here, it doesn't sound like he is too accepting of the things that you enjoy...he separates himself from you in this way and that only hurts the relationship.

as far as my quote goes, i believe it to be true...but only when both partners feel that way. it's a 2-way street. it doesn't matter if you feel it, if he doesn't, it's not going to work.