My girlfriend wants nothing to do with sex

[psycho123]

She was a virgin when we started dating. I broke her in. She wants nothing to do with sex, at all. She openly says she finds no pleasure or enjoyment in it, and only does it because I want to. She treats it like an appointment, saying that she'll only have sex once a week and she treats it like obligatory. We've been together for almost a year.

I've tried everything --- I mean everything (within reason) --- to spark a fire in her, but she just feels nothing. I tried making it romantic with candlelight and dinner, I tried doing it rough, I tried asking her what she might think she would like, saying I would try anything for her, I bought some sex toys to try out, tried some porn, tried massages, tried every kind of foreplay you can think of, etc. etc. etc. I once was determined to get the ball rolling, and I ate her out for what seemed like ages, and when I looked up at one point, she was watching TV.

Basically, I'm a caveman, and I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it. Once a week is not enough for me. I was clear about this from the very start, before we started dating. She knew I had been in previous relationships before, and she knew (because we were friends who talked a lot) that I am all about having sex. I thoroughly enjoy it, and the brutal honest thing is is that I place it in a very high priority. Every other girlfriend up until now has been the same, all the sex lives have been borderline porn-hot. A strong sex life being important for me has always been clear since day 1.

What makes things hardest of all is that she is extremely apologetic about it. She can see the frustration I get over this, and she always gets like she's about to cry, and she's like "I don't know what's wrong with me," etc. etc. I always try and console her you know, tell her that everyone is different and everyone has different desires and whatnot, and there is no "normal" and whatnot. But this cycle has just repeated, and at the end of the day, the result is still the same.

I'm particularly annoyed today (and thus really felt the need to vent somewhere) because it's my birthday, and just as I was starting to make the moves, she apologized to say that it's her period. Fair enough you know, you can't argue with nature. But then I tried to hint at like, you know, something like a birthday blowjob would be pretty sweet, but she was having NO PART of it. Ultimately we just went out and got coffee, she apologized for not being able to please me, and I came home to have a furious wank.

I love her, I do, and I want to work with her, I want to make this happen, but there is nothing else I can think of to do. Like I said, I've tried everything, including just trying to be as open and direct and communicative as possible. NOTHING IS CHANGING. I ask myself, am I being unreasonable? Am I being too hard on her or expecting too much? I discussed this with my guy friends, and 100% of them have told me they would have left already. The reason I can't bring myself to leave is because aside from this, she is the totally marriable type --- aside from this, I can really see being with her forever. And in fact, aside from this, our relationship is rock solid --- we have kick ass communication, we never have fights or arguments really, and neither one of us has a hard time taking responsibility and apologizing. It really is an amazing relationship. EXCEPT FOR THE SEX THING

[LailaK]

Either try therapy to help her get over her issues or break up and "just be friends".

To me, the main difference between a really close friendship and a romantic relationship is sex. Without sex, you're basically just really good friends.

[Boisdevie]

Leave her and find somebody who enjoys sex

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yeah, ditch her.

[Incognito]

Ok I will read the rest of the posts later, but I wanted to write this immediately after reading your post. Anyway, some women simply have no sexual desire, BUT there is usually a reason. One of my ex girlfriends was pretty clear that sex wasn't anywhere near the top of her "to do" list. She flat out told me that she viewed sex as a baby making activity only. I also found out that she'd been raped twice. That obviously influenced her view of sex (spoiled it actually). You need to find out WHY she feels the way she does and get her some help if possible.

As far as her being marriage material and communication and amazing.... whatever. Look I'm going to tell you, from personal experience no less, that this ONE think can destroy a good relationship. If you marry her thinking that it will change over time, or that you can deal with everything else being A-OK but no sex, it will fail miserably. After not getting sex for a long time you will resent her and all of the things that she does right won't matter. Remember that the only difference between friends and relationship partners is sex. Period. If you really love her and she is that '"worth it" you'd better make sure she gets some counseling/therapy AND that it helps her enough to give her some sort of sex drive. Otherwise you're just kidding yourself about whether it will last in the long run or not.

[Agape]

you're just not sexually compatible. . . could you live on like this? if not, then get another girl who will compliment your needs

[Radarsonar]

Straight up there's only two modes of action:

a) get counselling
b) break up

Take your pick but keep in mind she'll most likely never become the sex puss you want her to be.

[Bella82]

Sex is a huge part of many relationships and understandably so. Don't discount your needs by saying everything else is perfect but this -- it's something that's really important to you and she knows that. Why rob yourself of something you need? As everyone has said, the only difference between a good friend and a girlfriend is sex, and when only one person wants to have sex, that makes it a platonic relationship.

[Cici54]

Here are some possibilities as I see it: something happened in her past that turned her off sex (rape or something equally traumatic), neither you nor her know which buttons to press sexually (and it seems like you've worked through that as much as you can, though you didn't mention it directly, but I would suggest giving her a vibrator and tell her to go off on her own with no pressure), or there's a chance she's asexual, which I'm betting. Ask her to look into researching asexuality.
Since sex is a big component of a relationship, and especially important to you, unless you feel secure about your relationship in every other aspect, I would talk it over with her and maybe break up.

[psycho123]

I appreciate all the replies. Admittedly, it hurt to read some of them, but I know you guys are right --- things probably aren't going to change. The strange thing is that like, when I do initiate stuff, she DOES get wet, like sopping wet too. So it's like, her body is into it, but her mind isn't. Ugh...anyway...

For my birthday, my friends reserved part of a bar. At a nearby area of the bar were two girls who were checking us out for like an hour before I finally just said, "hey get over here" and invited them over. No ill intentions here, was just interested in making some new friends. They were very nice, and very happy to join our party. We all went to a club afterwards, maybe about 20 of us, from about midnight to sunrise. For the first hour or so, one of the new girls I had invited over was constantly getting invitations to dance from all these horribly nasty guys again and again and again. Later she like comes running to me, and she's like "omg, protect me from these creeps!" And so I'm like, "sure, you can dance with me, then break off when you see someone else you want to dance with." I seriously had no intentions whatsoever here, I was just having a good time, and on top of this, my girlfriend knows I go to clubs and dance with girls, she's always been okay with that. So it was all good, having fun, dancing the night away. But then every time she moved away, she would just get mobbed by guys. She didn't like these drunken idiots everywhere, and I was quite sober myself, we just sort of stuck together, but then after a couple hours of dancing or so, we increasingly just naturally got closer...and closer...and closer. Still nothing wrong yet. Then she turns around, hugs me, and starts rubbing my dick. Of course, I'm sex starved as hell, but I politely sort of move back and smile to give her the sign like "no thanks," but not without totally destroying the fun time, and she got the idea, turned back around, and we resumed dancing. Then she does it again later, only this time it feels so good and it's just so hot that I wait a few seconds before stopping her. Then she indicates she wants to "go somewhere," and I considered it, so we left. The sun was just coming up, and as we're walking around, I tell her, "I'm sorry, I can't do this, I have a girlfriend." And she says, "Oh...okay, I understand, I didn't know. You have nothing to apologize for!" So nice and understanding. Then we just went to McDonalds for breakfast and then split, lol.

I refuse to take part in a relationship of lies and secrets, so I just blatantly told my girlfriend everything, down to the, "I considered it" part. I was pretty upset because I didn't want to hurt her feelings you know, but I also really wanted to use this experience as a chance to demonstrate that the reason I think I considered it is that I'm just not even remotely sexually satisfied enough. She started crying...but not for the reason you might think. She said, "I can't believe you had the willpower and love for me to turn that down...You were honest with me, you really love me, I'm so happy, I love you so much."

Which, okay, I'm glad her feelings weren't hurt, but the whole thing kind of backfired --- I wanted to show her that as a sex hungry dude in his 20s, it is increasingly hard to keep my eyes in one place when I'm not getting what I need, and that she needs to consider that as a human being, I might make a mistake later if things continue on this dismal path of sexlessness. I would never really cheat, but I wanted her to understand how incredibly difficult this is for me. But that didn't come across at all --- all she got out of it was, "you love me, I'm so happy, thank you." I didn't wanna shatter the moment you know, so I just let her go home with that, but then I mailed her later and said exactly that --- the reason I was tempted is because I'm not getting what I need. Her reply? "I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm just so busy and have so much to do..." And in the time since then? Nothing. She plans to come over on Friday, which will be around 2-3 weeks since we last had sex. She wants to like, go to the movies or something, but there is just absolutely no way I can handle the imbalance --- I NEED to pound her inside and out, and I just told her that directly since nothing else seems to be working. She was like, "okay, I really want to make this work, so give me another chance. I'll see you at your place Friday." So yeah, I'm gonna get my pounding on Friday, but god damnit, it's like we just made an appointment for sex, and I really don't like that. I, too, want to go out and go to the movies and whatnot, I don't WANT to just sit around and have sex 24/7, but I'm starting to lose concentration at work, etc. because all I can think about is sex. And she's so busy that basically, I'm gonna see her on Friday, and then it'll probably be another week before I see her again...

And in the time since the club, I find myself looking at the pictures of this girl I didn't bone, and all I naturally think is, "you are so going to regret that when you're old." The whole thing has made me think a lot. I've never in my life had any period where I'm like totally free. Since high school there hasn't been a period without a girlfriend, it's always just been from one girl to the next, and I end up treating each of them like princesses. This whole thing has got me started thinking that maybe if I end up going through my life without some period of time to myself, to engage in pointless sex with beautiful girls like that, I'm going to end up regretting it later. I just don't know anymore...

[vashti]

Is she taking birth control pills or anti depressants? or any other medications?

[RdHrshyKss]

i don't think there is much you can do other than suggest to her that she seek out some kind of professional help to get at the root of the problem. it could be due to some kind of traumatic experience she had in the past. and vashti brings up a good point, certain types of medication can prevent a girl from gettingt aroused. she could have some kind of hormonal imbalance that is eliminating her sex drive. there are lot of different possibilities here.

if she is willing to investigate and research her problem, and make appropriate steps to try to fix it, then you should be patient. getting laid once a week is not all that bad. there are plenty of guys on here who are married and have gone without sex for 6 months!

if she isn't willing to investigate and doesn't really want to do anything about it, then that's your cue to leave.

but DO NOT let the fact that she has this issue make you weak and vulnerable to cheating. if she wants to actively take steps to fix the problem, you should be there for her....especially if you say that every other aspect of the relationship is amazing. sounds like she TRIES to appease you by having sex with you once a week, but i understand that there is no real satisfaction in having sex with someone that you know isn't enjoying it. if you really care about her, then try to be patient and support her in figuring out what the problem is. but again, if she isn't interested in trying to fix it, then by all means move on.

[Ariadne]

Thems the breaks when you start a relationship with a virgin. After I lost my virginity it took me TWO YEARS to get comfortable enough with the act to enjoy it, and another two before I could have an orgasm. Obviously this isn't the case with everyone, but it happens. I think she's probably just psyching herself out because she knows you're used to sex kittens and she's not focusing enough on her own body. She might be worried that if she focuses on her own needs, she'll start to ignore yours so she's given up before even trying. I could be projecting though.

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds to me like she probably wants to have sex with you and she desires it because she is apologetic and she thinks there is something wrong with her. I think the problem is that she is not aroused or not turned on. You're describing yourself as a caveman, so I'm going to assume you just kinda get straight to the point and stick your penis where you want it without much foreplay or anything. You did say you went down on her, but oral sex is not the golden gateway to her magic button. In fact, if you feel like it's a chore, she's going to recognize that and it's gonna turn her off even more. Instead of just going down on her and expecting her to be ready for you whenever you want it, make a good effort to satisfy her. I never see any posts on here from guys who wonder why their GF doesn't like to kiss or be massaged, or something - it's always sex. I think if you play your cards right and seduce her, you'll be happy with the results. Pick up a few cheesy books like Art of Seduction, Karma Sutra, and all that. Learn about erogenous zones and be experimental - try to find the sensitive spots on your gfs body with your lips and your tongue and your fingertips and manipulate them to your will. Learn how to express your sexuality and your passions. It's the little tiny subtle things we do that make a girl go wild.

[girl68]

Yeah you'll get some on Friday then got another 3-4 weeks, then bring it up, make an appointment, get laid, then wait another 3 or 4 weeks... you get the idea.