How to get out and meet girls if you're a social recluse?

[dr244]

I'm a shy 22 y/o male that wants to meet girls, and needs advice on how to go about doing it. I spend most of my free time sitting around on a computer and playing guitar. I work a job that doesn't put me in contact with many people, and I'm not involved in any hobbies besides music/band, but I want to meet girls through other means. I enrolled in college this year, but I've dropped all my classes already. I plan to retake most of them in the spring semester which should put me into more social situations, but that doesn't help me immediately. I'm going to look into some clubs on campus, but I may be required to be in a certain number of credits in order to be allowed in clubs. I've decided to quit drinking recently, and I've never been into the whole bar/club scene anyway. What are some ways I can get out there and be around women?

I'm not too concerned with putting myself out there and taking the initiative to force myself to break out of my mold, but finding places that I can easily interact with new people and especially women is difficult. It's not a large city by any means, and I'm running out of ideas, besides those I've already mentioned. I'm not horribly insecure, and although I could be in better shape, I feel like a rather attractive person. I've not had female relations of any kind for four years (until this past weekend with an ex-girlfriend, which was a mistake), including any dates, or simply having someone flirt with me.

I'm not sure if I understand why I'm having problems. I've always been anti-social, and I'm not embarrassed with talk with someone, but talking with attractive females makes me a bit nervous. I seem to run into problems in simple conversations where I'm not sure what more I can say without maybe seeming too invasive, or feel like I'm asking too many questions. It's hard to have a conversation where I'm not being directly asked something. It's not a normal kind of shyness, but more like my mind draws blanks when I'm talking to someone, although later on I may replay parts of conversations in my mind and think of something more appropriate to say that I couldn't think of sooner.

I have Asperger Syndrome, if that's any indication of the social behavior that I'm attempting to describe, but I don't like to blame a so-called disorder for my personality, and it's something I can get over just like anyone else. I feel that I actually have many benefits due to this condition instead of desire to be "normal" or anything.

I really just to find ways to get out there and be around people. I need more social interaction to be comfortable, and to meet girls. I need some help brainstorming.

[MerryH]

Do you have many male friends? Do they have female friends or is it always a big sausage fest? Meeting new people through your existing friends is easiest. Arrange social gatherings with these friends, encourage them to bring girls, encourage the girls to bring more girls. Be suave about it, though. Don't just be like "BRING CHICKS!" Then you talk to these girls and be funny and charming.

When you say you do music/band stuff, what does that entail? Do you play for an audience? If so, use that as an in to talk to girls. Walk up to some after your performance, thank her for coming, ask if she enjoyed it or whatever.

Don't get nervous when you talk to females, they're just people. It's just a conversation. If you draw a blank on what to say, just ask questions. Of course there are certain topics that you should stay away from when you're first getting to know someone, but there are millions of other polite things you can ask about. Where is she from, how long has she lived here, where does she go to school, does she like it there, what's her major, etc. People love talking about themselves. Listen to what she's saying, try to relate to her answers. Like, "Oh you're majoring in psychology? I actually considered majoring in that, how are the classes?" Just muster up the confidence to be able to look a girl in the eye and talk to her. It's not going to kill you.

Even though you stopped drinking, if it wouldn't hurt to go to a bar/club then just take some friends and go. If nothing else, at least you can practice approaching strangers and work on your conversation skills with drunk people who are more than happy to listen to you. I'm not suggesting that you just pick up bar sluts and sleep with them (I mean, if you're cool with that, go ahead), I'm just saying that drunk people are the easiest people to talk to, so you can hone your social interactions with them.

[ochriso]

Try a dating website like POF. Then you can meet them for a chat from the safety of your pc and if you want to meet them for real go do it!

[Radarsonar]

Yeah, the easiest way is to join a dating site and go from there.

But that will not help you with your social isolation. If you can muster up the courage to take up a new hobby this would be ideal imo. Sports is an easy way to meet new people, also the physical activity will increase your self esteem a bit. Who knows, you might even enjoy the company. And the subject of the sport you're playing is a comfortable fall back plan when your mind draws a blank while conversing with others.

About the nervousness when talking to attractive girls, that's entirely normal! Nothing to do with your Asperger's (of which you sound like you have a relatively mild case), most guys are insecure when first talking to a girl they consider out of their league.

[dr244]

Do you have many male friends? Do they have female friends or is it always a big sausage fest? Meeting new people through your existing friends is easiest. Arrange social gatherings with these friends, encourage them to bring girls, encourage the girls to bring more girls. Be suave about it, though. Don't just be like "BRING CHICKS!" Then you talk to these girls and be funny and charming.

When you say you do music/band stuff, what does that entail? Do you play for an audience? If so, use that as an in to talk to girls. Walk up to some after your performance, thank her for coming, ask if she enjoyed it or whatever.

Don't get nervous when you talk to females, they're just people. It's just a conversation. If you draw a blank on what to say, just ask questions. Of course there are certain topics that you should stay away from when you're first getting to know someone, but there are millions of other polite things you can ask about. Where is she from, how long has she lived here, where does she go to school, does she like it there, what's her major, etc. People love talking about themselves. Listen to what she's saying, try to relate to her answers. Like, "Oh you're majoring in psychology? I actually considered majoring in that, how are the classes?" Just muster up the confidence to be able to look a girl in the eye and talk to her. It's not going to kill you.

Even though you stopped drinking, if it wouldn't hurt to go to a bar/club then just take some friends and go. If nothing else, at least you can practice approaching strangers and work on your conversation skills with drunk people who are more than happy to listen to you. I'm not suggesting that you just pick up bar sluts and sleep with them (I mean, if you're cool with that, go ahead), I'm just saying that drunk people are the easiest people to talk to, so you can hone your social interactions with them.

I would rather meet women on my own, away from my friends (who aren't very close anyway), and my music. Yes, I play regularly around the region but I'm not wanting to find girls who are involved in my particular music scene. I spend so much time involved with music, I need something that's an escape, and a way to relate to people by other means. Almost every friend I've ever had has been through music, and most of my entertainment comes from it.

It's easy to say "don't get nervous", but it doesn't work that simply.

I've had drinking problems before, and I would like to stay away from those places. I just had another bad experience from drinking, and the thought of being around drunk females isn't too appealing for me right now.

Try a dating website like POF. Then you can meet them for a chat from the safety of your pc and if you want to meet them for real go do it!

I actually made a profile on OkCupid not too long ago in an attempt to meet girls. Unfortunately, because this is a small area, there aren't many girls on there that I find attractive.

There is one girl that I've been talking to that seems interesting. The only problem is that she's a year older than me, and located about an hour and a half away. I would really like to meet her, but I'm not sure how to casually ask if she wants to get some food or hang out sometime, when there's a distance to consider. It's not as if we can find a convenient time to go out, but I haven't even gathered the courage to ask. I feel she's way beyond my league anyway, even though we seem to have compatible interests. If we did find a way to get together, I would worry about being socially awkward and not knowing what to say. We have sent a few long messages to each other but not for a couple of weeks, and her last was very short and I wasn't sure how to respond to it since she didn't ask any questions. I'm too shy to ask a beautiful and interesting girl from the internet to hang out, heh...

I think it might be a better idea for me to put myself in social situations with women before I ask anybody out, even if it's just a casual date from the internet. I can't even function with random everyday encounters, much less a potentially romantic situation where I want to impress somebody.

What is POF, though?

Yeah, the easiest way is to join a dating site and go from there.

But that will not help you with your social isolation. If you can muster up the courage to take up a new hobby this would be ideal imo. Sports is an easy way to meet new people, also the physical activity will increase your self esteem a bit. Who knows, you might even enjoy the company. And the subject of the sport you're playing is a comfortable fall back plan when your mind draws a blank while conversing with others.

About the nervousness when talking to attractive girls, that's entirely normal! Nothing to do with your Asperger's (of which you sound like you have a relatively mild case), most guys are insecure when first talking to a girl they consider out of their league.

I would like to find a new hobby, but I have very few interests. I have an obsession over music, and there's not much else in my life that I'm involved with. I don't think I would meet many girls through sports. I would like to find a hobby, something that has a class or something that I could attend, something that girls would also be interested in. I used to be into martial arts, and i I was looking for something that was "boys fun", I would probably get back into that.

I'm very well adapted and went through counseling as a young teenager for it. I've had some friends make comments that I can be awkward or antisocial, but most people don't notice it when they first meet me, which makes me feel good about myself. I was literally terrified of people when I was a child. It is a very mild case. I really don't want to discuss it here, I only mentioned it as a description of my general behavior for people who may be familiar with the disorder, since I'm often bad at getting my point across with words.

Thanks for the tips so far, everybody.

[MerryH]

You've gotten some good suggestions here, but you've basically shot each of them down. How are you going to make progress with your defeatist attitude? I get why you don't want to be in bars, that's fine, but why not use your music scene as a way to get the social interaction you're looking for, not necessarily just to meet girls you want to date. The girls on your dating site aren't attractive enough for you? So what? Ask them out for a casual date, anyway. Less pressure, since you're not looking to get serious with them, just exposure to other people. And why not try some sports? Girls play sports too.

Since you're desperate for social interaction, just get out there and DO things and stop making excuses as to why you can't.

[Spidok]

I have Aspergers too and would gladly give up my intelligence for acceptance by others. I do find alcohol cures my social insecurities but if I drink too much I become anti-social again. I've spoke to a few girls online who wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me an a so called "normal" guy so maybe that's the way for us to go. Anyway feel free to talk to me any time if you need the support of someone who understands how difficult social situations are.

Good luck with your quest for love

[dr244]

You've gotten some good suggestions here, but you've basically shot each of them down. How are you going to make progress with your defeatist attitude? I get why you don't want to be in bars, that's fine, but why not use your music scene as a way to get the social interaction you're looking for, not necessarily just to meet girls you want to date. The girls on your dating site aren't attractive enough for you? So what? Ask them out for a casual date, anyway. Less pressure, since you're not looking to get serious with them, just exposure to other people. And why not try some sports? Girls play sports too.

Since you're desperate for social interaction, just get out there and DO things and stop making excuses as to why you can't.

I am not trying to shoot down suggestion, but in my original post I stated that I wasn't wanting to find social interaction through music, and that was the primary thing suggested so far. I have a life that revolves around music, and although I want to get out and social, I also want to get away from music before it starts to seem like a chore. I was in school for a music production degree before I dropped my classes, although I'm technically still enrolled.

Outside of school, bars/clubs, and music, what else is there? I made this thread looking for ideas of things I could be doing that aren't something I've already considered. I am not trying to sound pessimistic or anything. I'm grateful for the responses, they just aren't the answers I'm looking for. I'm glad that some people bother to read this and offer advice. I'm an obsessive and analytical person, and have already thought of these routes.

I tend to repeat myself, over-explain, and sound cold online, so if that comes across as rudeness towards your advice, I'm very sorry.

I have Aspergers too and would gladly give up my intelligence for acceptance by others. I do find alcohol cures my social insecurities but if I drink too much I become anti-social again. I've spoke to a few girls online who wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me an a so called "normal" guy so maybe that's the way for us to go. Anyway feel free to talk to me any time if you need the support of someone who understands how difficult social situations are.

Good luck with your quest for love

Ah, thanks for understanding! I'm fine with speaking to girls online, but have you made much effort to get out and meet them in person? If so, how did that go, and do you have any tips for someone like me/us?

[Spidok]

Ah, thanks for understanding! I'm fine with speaking to girls online, but have you made much effort to get out and meet them in person? If so, how did that go, and do you have any tips for someone like me/us?

Unfortunately I'm stuck in the same position as you. I met a girl online and I'm afraid to go meet her in person because she might see me as anti-social like a lot of people do. I could drink my social phobia away but I don't think turning up drunk would go down well. The only advice I can really give you is to just go and do things you want and don't end up looking back regretting what you didn't do like I have with a lot of things. This is actually the second time I've really got on well with a girl online. The last one was nearly 5 years ago when I was 15. I never went to meet her because I was afraid it would be awkward and I still regret that now. Anyway I think you should go and meet this girl you met online (and I should meet mine too) but beforehand explain how you feel about social situations and how you'd really like to spend time with her. If she's nice then she might be understanding about it. Also try buying her a gift or something then she might take to you.

Online dating is definitely the best way for us to go I think...