I never had closure...

[Iliveinoblivion]

I have a question and it´s about something that happened to me a long time ago but still stings and burns me inside my core once in awhile producing a very bitter and sad moment that lasts about a minute (or a whole weekend). My question is why someone would behave in a way I cannot understand. Also, I have to say that, I lead a very happy life, I have a great job and the issue I´m going to describe it does not impair my life at all. Also, this lady I´ll talk about is happily married and I´m not expecting her to drop her marriage for me, neither I think she misses me or anything like that. It´s something that happened years ago and I cannot stop wondering what could have triggered her reaction. Do I miss her? I´d give anything to see her smile one more time, but I´m realistic and I know she´s not dumping a succesful Architect for a diving dude that doesn´t even own a car. Still hurts when I think about that but, with this question I´m not pursuing to get her back or anything like that. So please, don´t tell me to move on or to forget about her because that´s not the case at all. Like I said, I go out on dates and have a great time once in awhile and I can live with this loss. My question is, why a girl changes so dramatically. Anyway, thanks for reading it.

14 years ago, in the summer of ´96 I meet a lovely Italian-American girl from Atlanta.* It was instant chemistry.* We spent three amazing weeks together without leaving each other´s side.* Then she went back home.* I have to say we decided to, eventually meet again in Playa so we didn´t really say good-bye but just a nice “see you later, alligator”.* 
Anyway, a week later when I called her back (no internet back then, so we used her AT&T;card for phone calls) she inmediately asked me if I would like her to move to México with me for a few months.* Of course I instantly said yes and got very, very happy about it.* Then, for the next three months, we talked on the phone twice a week for at least two hours.* We also sent faxes to each other to agree the phone call time.* 
As we maintained phone communication, our plans got bigger and bigger.* All of a sudden, I had already rented a nice cabin with a top roof to live with her and I had already found her a job in a spa on the beach with one of my best friends.* Things were really underway. 
I have to mention she was growing more and more excited.* Then, in early November (remember we met in August), I wasn´t getting faxes from her to arrange phone calls.* For a week I didn´t hear from her and, that made me very worry because before I met her I had come out from a very painful relationship where my ex cheated on me for awhile with a great friend of mine (well, not that great I guess...) 

So, I saved some money and I called her to her sister´s house where she was temporarily staying.* She sounded a bit strange, like if she didn´t have freedom to talk on the phone.* When I noticed it, I asked her if she was still thinking about coming to México and she, inmediately replied: “I think about it all the time.” That really reassured me for good.* She even said during that conversation she had already bought her flight ticket.* And then we said good night and hung up. 
That was the last time I ever heard from her.* 

Then, I fell in a heavy depression because it was the first time I had considered to be with someone all my life or for a pretty long time (I was 30 years old when we met).* 
I knew nothing had happened to her because her sisters had friends in Playa and kept in touch with them and she didn´t know either why the silence treatment.* 
It was a real silence treatment.* I kept writing letters to her for the next two years, sometimes three letters a week.* I was just asking her to write me back and to tell me what was on her mind.* I never demanded for any explanations or judge at all why she cut herself off without even telling me.* I kept asking her all that time to not leave me in confusion, to tell me what to do.* 
For the next years, I didn´t know whether to wait or to forget.* That`s the most painful way.* For the next few years I was in total oblivion.* Everytime I met someone nice, I would think I was betraying her, like if I didn´t want any reason to happen for her not to come. 
For my bad luck, the next 14 years I met no one that made me feel like sharing a life with.* I was sure it was not the ghost of her that was still haunting me, it was just that the bar was already too high for the other girls.* I think I wanted to meet someone like her all along. 
Anyway, I kept in touch with her sister (we actually talked on the phone once about five years ago) and then we became friends on Facebook a couple of years ago.* Then, I started to get itchy again about her because I knew I could send her messages on this social network which to me was kinda´of a bad, bad idea. 
So, what I did was that I said to her sister I wanted to reimburse at least half of the money she spent during our months of exchanging phone calls that she paid for (about a thousand dollars).* Her sister gave her my message and my email address so I can get an answer from her. 
I have to say, at this point, I already knew she was married and I was sure all I wanted was to wish her the best in life, to her and to her husband, I really wanted that because I respect the Institution of Marriage and I don´t tamper with those issues.* And I also knew inside of me that, I really wished the best for her and that her private life didn´t concern me at all.* 
And again.* No response.* She didn´t write or send any message at all.* Then, her sister gave me her email address and I wrote her explaining to her I only wanted to say hello, to give her my best and to wish her a happy life.* For some reason she never wrote back either. 
That was a year ago so, I decided to accept she didn´t want to know anything at all about me, something that was very difficult for me because being her friend would have been very HEALING for me.* I realized that being able to wish her a happy birthday or a happy new year once in awhile would have been nice for me:* To remain her friend in the sake of the wonderful however fleeting time we had once but, she wouldn´t just accept it.* I have to say it was painful to realize she had almost 90 friends on FB and she wouldn´t even want to be in touch with me whom she had made plans once in her life to be together.* 
In sum, I´ve lived the last 14 years wondering everyday why she wouldn´t write a little goodbye note.* Not having closure has made my romantic life miserable I have to admit.* I also have to say, we never had any fights, never argued, she was happy about our chemistry.* It´s very, very strange...and painful.
I know she´s already sharing her life for almost ten years with someone successful and that, maybe that´s what she had wanted all her life. That´s totally perfect for me. What I don´t understand is, if she´s happy and her marriage is perfect, why not to write me a brief "have a happy life" note? I don´t know how that´ll affect her marriage, anyway, I´m not anyone to judge that. It´s just that, a simple note would mean closure to me.
Thank you for reading and, please, I´m moving on, everyday I do that.

[MerryH]

You were just a fling she had while on vacation in Mexico. She went back home, back to real life and realized she didn't want to drop everything and move to Mexico with you, but was too much of a coward to actually tell you this.

To be honest, it was probably a good idea for her not to have emailed you back when you contacted her recently. It's pretty clear that you have a hard time letting go of things. She knows that because you continued writing letters to her for years after your fling. She may have thought that responding in any way would have reignited your fixation.

[IncognitoSir]

Its unfortunate that people do these things. IMO, I think she's simply a coward. Why couldn't she do these things you ask, because she does not posses the courage to face you like a woman and tell you that it was only a fling and she was living in the moment and her intentions were to only lead you on in every way to stroke her own ego. It's good that you've kinda moved on, but I hope you can get over this completely some day because everything about her is a lost cause.

[humili]

I am talking from a woman point of view!

She may have her reasons. Women are sometimes more complicated as they seemed. She may have feelings or may not still have feelings for you but the fact is she is married.

The crucial part is to learn to move on with your life.

Some adults like you held on to love affairs long while others move off like a gust of wind.

Heal your inner self , find peace and be happy

[IncognitoSir]

I am talking from a woman point of view!

She may have her reasons. Women are sometimes more complicated as they seemed. She may have feelings or may not still have feelings for you but the fact is she is married.

The crucial part is to learn to move on with your life.

Some adults like you held on to love affairs long while others move off like a gust of wind.

Heal your inner self , find peace and be happy

That's beside the point, there's no good excuse for doing this to a person for NO reason at all. Just sounds like you're trying to justify her actions in some way.

[sookie6]

I just think that you both experienced the same thing but with a very different level of involvement.

Your affair was very special to you but shortlived nonetheless and whatever your feelings at the time you need to accept that they were not reciprocated at least not at that level...

I wish you good luck with moving on. Don't cling on the past and look forward to a better future. I'm sure someone different but as interesting if no more will turn up.

People sometimes meet their significant other late in life.

[Iliveinoblivion]

Thank you heartfelt to ALL of you for your answers. I think all the answers you gave me really help me to feel there´s others that understand and sympathize and that´s a loads of help.
Like I said, everyday I wake up and live a normal life with a very cool job in a cool place but with a little secret inside.

I have to say that, before the advent of Internet and Facebook for that matter, I was already getting used to the idea of never hearing from her again. Then, a couple of years ago, when I found her on FB all those feelings came back around and even if I knew she was completely out of my life (I wonder to a what degree she thought she was, like one of you said very wisely "who knows how involved she was"), even knowing she was out of my life I ONLY wanted her to wish me a good life and to tell me GOODBYE, and that´s what I don´t understand. Why after 14 years she wouldn´t even want to write a little good bye note. I got over to the fact she was not coming back a long time ago, now I cannot get over to the fact she wouldn´t say hello even though I have not intentions to stir things up. That is very weird and I don´t understand and the worst is, that NOBODY knows why, nobody knows what´s on her mind, only her.
I think closure is very healing.

Again, I really thank you all for your responses; they made me feel understood and that´s pretty great! THANK YOU ALL! In another female forum they only mocked me and told me to not be a whinnie and to move on. Apparently, they never really fell in love. I have to say this girl is a wonderful girl, I have nothing to regret about our time together and I will always hold her in high regards. I have learn to remember only the good times.

Thank you guys and we´ll be in touch!

[Iliveinoblivion]

Thank you heartfelt to ALL of you for your answers. I think all the answers you gave me really help me to feel there´s others that understand and sympathize and that´s a loads of help.
Like I said, everyday I wake up and live a normal life with a very cool job in a cool place but with a little secret inside.

I have to say that, before the advent of Internet and Facebook for that matter, I was already getting used to the idea of never hearing from her again. Then, a couple of years ago, when I found her on FB all those feelings came back around and even if I knew she was completely out of my life (I wonder to a what degree she thought she was, like one of you said very wisely "who knows how involved she was"), even knowing she was out of my life I ONLY wanted her to wish me a good life and to tell me GOODBYE, and that´s what I don´t understand. Why after 14 years she wouldn´t even want to write a little good bye note. I got over to the fact she was not coming back a long time ago, now I cannot get over to the fact she wouldn´t say hello even though I have not intentions to stir things up. That is very weird and I don´t understand and the worst is, that NOBODY knows why, nobody knows what´s on her mind, only her.
I think closure is very healing.

Again, I really thank you all for your responses; they made me feel understood and that´s pretty great! THANK YOU ALL! In another female forum they only mocked me and told me to not be a whinnie and to move on. Apparently, they never really fell in love. I have to say this girl is a wonderful girl, I have nothing to regret about our time together and I will always hold her in high regards. I have learn to remember only the good times.

Thank you guys and we´ll be in touch!

[VincenzoG91]

I pretend that my ex-girlfriends have all passed away. Makes it much easier to move on and stay focused.

[Iliveinoblivion]

I try that in this case and it works, then, reality bites back!

[Iliveinoblivion]

I just think that you both experienced the same thing but with a very different level of involvement.

Your affair was very special to you but shortlived nonetheless and whatever your feelings at the time you need to accept that they were not reciprocated at least not at that level...

I wish you good luck with moving on. Don't cling on the past and look forward to a better future. I'm sure someone different but as interesting if no more will turn up.

People sometimes meet their significant other late in life.

Thanks for the quote and, it´s true the affair was special for me and it seemed also for her. The curious thing is that, when she left I didn´t have in mind to make plans to be together. I thought we would just meet someday again, one or two years later something like that but, her first reaction a week after she left was to ask me if I wanted her to move here to Playa and to work and share a life together. That´s the darnest thing: She´s the one who started the whole thing and followed up the entire time we were in touch. After asking all my american lady friends who knew her, if they think she met someone else they all said that´s unlikely, although, that´s never been the point. I live in a tourist place for twenty years and I know they don´t always come back. So, her level of involvement was the highest in any girl I met before. Before, any girl that told me "I´ll come back" I would only reply sarcastically "of course you´ll come back, I´ll sit down and wait the rest of my life". Like I said earlier: It´s been a long time ago I got used to the idea I would never see her again, it´s the now that bothers me. I´m just a friend trying to wish another friend a wonderful life.
Anyway, I guess my sadness comes from realizing that, even 14 years later she wouldn´t want to say hello. In my two brief messages on FB I really only said to her I will always wish her the best in her life and in her marriage. Her sister and I are in touch in FB once in awhile and her sister knows I´m not trying to change anything. I only asked her to write me a good bye note. I swear that´s all I want and, it puzzles me she wouldn´t do it.
I saw a psychologist a few months ago and explained to her my problem: Why she wouldn´t reply to a simple message and the psychologist thinks that Ruthann (that´s her name) maybe don´t want to let go either, that in her subconscious there´s something that gets relief or feels safe knowing there´s and old love still clinging to her. Doctor said this gives her a feeling of satisfaction about herself. That she has been in love all these years with her husband but that she don´t want to let me go in case she divorces one day. D´you know what I mean? She wants to have someone to fall on in case her marriage fails and, by not saying good bye to me is a way of keeping me in the leash. I don´t want to believe this but that´s a unbiased psychologist opinion.

Anyway, thanks a million for reading my story and I aprecciate your advice highly.

[Iliveinoblivion]

"I am talking from a woman point of view!

She may have her reasons. Women are sometimes more complicated as they seemed. She may have feelings or may not still have feelings for you but the fact is she is married.

The crucial part is to learn to move on with your life.

Some adults like you held on to love affairs long while others move off like a gust of wind.

Heal your inner self , find peace and be happy"



Thank you and you´re right about moving on and also thank you for advising me to find peace and be happy! I just want to point out that, it´s not the future that troubles me. A long time ago I stopped waiting to hear from her and to think she´d come back one day. My problem is, why she wouldn´t write me NOW just a brief note wishing me the best. I have asked her for this twice on FB. I have never in 14 years asked her why she didn´t reply, until now and...still, she wouldn´t do it. That´s my problem. I´m not waiting for her to come back or to get divorced at all. I moved on years ago ´cause I´ve been in thousands of dates (I live in a tourist place and the easiest thing in the world if you´re a diver is to meet girls) but, she represented the best that could happen to me back then and, since she never really said goodbye it´s pretty hard now that we have social networks that she wouldn´t say hello. I was much closer to her than most of her 90+ friends in Facebook and I cannot even get a simple note back. That´s my problem. I don´t care to know AT ALL why she couldn´t come back or if she will or not. I don´t care about that. I have always thought we have to say good bye to our best friends and that´s what I´ve been trying to do. She´s an especial woman and that´s why I can´t help to feel so, so rejected without having done anything to deserve it.

Thank you and take care!

[Soulhelper]

hey Alex !

I'm so sorry that I didn't reply you sooner ! You know, I was kinda busy the last two weeks...

I read your story and kinda enjoy it ! (not because you were suffering, but because I like such romance)

Anyway. While reading your stories, two main reasons of such behaviors from your girlfriend came to my mind :

1) If she broke up so hard and without even telling you, it may be because she felt guilty about what she did to you, and couldn't face it. So she was hiding from you.

2) Why would she breakup with you anyway ? Well, she may not had loved you as much as you did ! Don't say instantly that I'm wrong ! You know what they say : Love makes you blind. maybe you couldn't see her fake an interest for you because you were so deeply in love.

But why thinking of this girl after 14 years ?! Don't say you're not and that you've moved on, because even the fact that you're writing posts here shows that this girl still haunts you... Or, maybe that I'm wrong

just tell me

Man, do you meet someone right now ? İf not, find another italian american hot bomb, and get rid of your ex forever !

[cmacattack1]

You are in the rearview mirror buddy. It sounds great to be friends with our exes after but rarely does it ever work out like that. It's been 14 years, and she's been married. Why would she write a note? Assume she's not thinking about you and spend time concentrating on your current present. Like not having a car. Take the steps to work on that instead of playing the "What if?" mental game that can entertain you for hours but not get you anywhere.

[Iliveinoblivion]

Guys, since I´ve been posting here and reading your advices I feel little by little the fresh winds of change on my hair.
I feel good realizing something I never wanted to accept, something that is common in the place where I live but we don´t admit it´s true.
The place where I live, or actually, the way this place was when I met R was very different from normal places. I mean, back then life was extremely laid back. Even though it was a little town everyone walked barefoot and the gorgeus beach was like the main walkway to get anywhere. Of course, with beach bars and topless european and American girls everywhere. Anyway, I digressed. So, to meet someone in this place for an steady relationship was a good stroke of luck. Here, after years of saying good bye to someone new every week it started to get very depressing. It´s very difficult to describe how much pain it can bring. I´m not talking about lovers or flings only, I´m talking even about male friends who would live here for a few months and then, losing them again. So with girls was like that all the time. I would meet a fantastic girl forgetting she was gonna´be here for a few days was my constant mistake.
Anyway, what I started to say before I went into the story of my life is: We never wanted to accept that, whoever girl we would meet here she would go back home, get back into her real world and forget completely about our existence, like putting us away in a closet forever. It sounds dramatic but, I guess we were waiting for the one that would come back here and share her life with us (and by "us" I mean me).
Fortunately, by posting help and support to other people in this forum as well as getting advices from people with empathy, I got to feel better about the whole thing, I got convinced about not bother with it anymore, in this case not to bother about someone who didn´t have the desire or the will to give me the satisfaction of a little good bye note which, I come to think now it´s a very rude thing to do. If I strongly advice people to value themselves all the time, why shouldn´t I tell the same to myself?

Okay, I know now it´s time to make up for the all time lost in worshipping false idols.

thank you guys for reading!