whose fault

[teather]

Where to begin. I'm sorry, but I have never done this before but I need to talk to someone but am sworn to secrecy by my other half.

Right basically last year, my fiancee got a part in panto. I had been the person with a good steady job before ( a stage manager, but always in work) but when she got that part, we started to have problems. I didn't feel as important to her, and she never used to contact me during the day. We just argued not stop and drifted apart.

A week after panto finished, she told me that her love interest in the panto (a 50year old G list celeb, who is married with kids) told her he could fall in love with her, and they had a talk just to check their relationship, and they were getting too close. He had been having problems with his wife, and they confided in each other. My problem here is that they were kissing on stage etc. he also text her after panto to tell her he'd loved holding and kissing her for the last 3 months

Basically this year she is in panto again, and her love interest is the same bloke. During the year she has sung in 2 of his concerts, so there has been no getting away from him.

Basically I didn't hande the news well. I went off on one fair to say. I was slightly insecure before but this had just made me more paranoid and driven me to the edge. My fiancee doesn't talk about it when I try and bring it up. For instance today I met her for food, and I could feel him looking at me for the whole time, but my fiancee told me it was me being paranoid and it wasn't him being funny. The thing is se has told me i cannot tell anyone in case it harms his reputation, and he has told her not to tell me - which she has!!

I just don't know how to handle it basically. She keeps telling me just to leave it, and get over it as nothing happened, just two people who got close then talked it out. I can't thought. I trust her, but don't trust him. Everytime i think of him kissing her and being with her I just think of all these different scenarios. I try and talk to her but she just shuts shop saying she can't talk about it anymore and I wouldn't be questioning it if I trusted her.

I just don't know what to do. Im not cool about it at all.
I know nothing romantically happened apart from kissing on stage. I just don't know ..... my brain doesn't handle it. I get paranoid, crazy, irrational.

Since she told me in March my relationship behaviour has changed. I'm more physical but so is she. we scream at each other. I'm paranoid, clingy, needy and massively insecure.

Please help!

Please help

[a0330v]

Dear Teather,
This situation is most certainly not easy for either one of you, but it can be solved amicably. You say that you trust her but not him. This is a great insight, because you are actually dating HER, not him. He can't force himself her without her permission. His behavior can not be a part of your discomfort, because she is the one that is actually in control and has been acting very adult by talking it out. Most 50 year old married men have some sort of relationship issue. Transferring that to another person is not uncommon and understandable since your fiance is young and beautiful. You should be proud that you have such a desirable young woman that is about to enter the bond of marriage with you. See the elderly gentleman as someone you pity. He is simply unhappy in his marriage and is not strong enough to tackle it. He can never have what you already have and as long as your bond with your fiance is strong and honest and built upon you making sure she knows that you find her magnificent and would do anything to ensure her happiness.

1. Make a list of what kind of man your wife would want to marry. List all the traits that she requires for her happiness
2. Score yourself on that list from 1-10.
3. Improve on the areas you scored low

Clearly the situation makes you uncomfortable, but the extent of your discomfort does not seem to have been related to your fiancée. It is vital for her to clearly understand that this has been affecting your emotional health to the extent that it has. She may be the woman of your dreams, but if the situation continues the way it is at the moment you will end up building resentment that can lead to issues later on. This conversation has to be held in a pleasant and calm way that makes her feel like you understand and appreciate the artistic value of her work and that you are not trying to take her sense of self expression away.

Here is a little plan to set this conversation up;
1. Be in a public place to avoid blowing up at each other and slamming doors. It could be at a romantic restaurant or a place that you both love in your town.
2. Plan it ahead. Make sure both of you are free for the evening and make it a special date. You want to set the mood before to keep the evening relaxed and positive. Maybe buy her some flowers or chocolates or anything else you know she would like for a gift.
3. Once you get to the special place, have your drinks etc, you want to apologize. In order for her to appreciate and value you, you have to be the kind of person that she would value and I'm sure that paranoid and irrational are not on the list. Simply apologize for the last few months and explain that you understand it must have been difficult for her as well.
4. Now you have started in a good place, where she feels like you are on the same level and you are not there to blame but simply help her understand you better. This is when you want to express how YOU feel, but make sure to keep her FREE of blame. Instead of saying "The fact that you went to work with someone that is in love with you makes me think there is something sexual going on" say this instead "I love you so much and you are the most important person in my life. Knowing that there is another man who likes you and actually touches the most precious person I have in my life, makes me fear that you one day might decide he is better than me. Because of that fear I have been acting in a way that you have never deserved. I appreciate you and your craft and know that this play is really important to your career and it kills me to know that I am making your life difficult because of my own emotion."
5. Now that you have explained your feelings it's time to actually solve the issue. Promise to make more time for each other so that you can rebuild and reconnect after this. Plan to have a date night every week that you set up. Explain to her that you no longer see this man as a threat, but you feel rather sorry for him for living in a bad relationship at home and desiring something that he can't have. Tell her that you know she loves you and can't be tempted by someone who has so little to give.
6. STICK TO YOUR PROMISES. Make that date night every week a wonderful moment for the both of you. If you feel anxiety about the situation do this little exercise:
Lay down or sit comfortably.
1. Breathe in through your nose on one count, make sure you are breathing into your stomach, not your chest (if you aren't sure if you are breathing right, place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach, your chest should be almost still while breathing in)
2. Breathe out through the mouth on 5 counts (simply count to 5 while you are breathing out)
3. Do about 5-10 repetitions and it will remove your anxiety.

Be the person she want and needs in life to excel at her craft and within your relationship. Focus on encouragement, compliments and acts of love and really picture that man going home sad and lonely to his home where his wife is waiting to make his life even more miserable. Really feel that pity and simply focus on being the person she would want to stay with for the rest of her life.