Need some help

[southernangel]

This might be a little long, I apologize beforehand.

To give you some background, I am currently very UNHAPPILY married. I have been married for 14 years and unhappy for the last 2. I have asked my husband for a divorce but in all honest, we can't afford it. We have been separated for more than 11 months. Unfortunately, it's not a legal separation, we still reside in the same home but sleep in separate bedrooms. We have 3 children.

In January of this year I met someone. At the time I wasn't looking to meet anyone, I will still dealing with my failed marriage and was not openly wanting or trying to date anyone but this man pursued me. I finally agreed to meet him and when we met it was honest to goodness love at first sight. I just completely melted the minute I looked into his eyes and he hugged me. He was an extreme gentleman. He was very sweet and didn't make any moves towards me. We were trying to remain friends and not go out of bounds with it.

We hung out and talked for hours that day. Nothing happened. We didn't want to complicate anything. We met again and this time I actually made a move and kissed him and it was truly fireworks. We have so much chemistry. We met several more times afterwards, going to movies or dinner and talking. Finally I told him how i felt and he told me that he loved me too. We wanted a relationship with each other.

Now here I am still married and not yet legally separated and I'm in love with another man. I know this is wrong on so many levels but you cannot pick and choose who you love. Now this man was willing to wait for me. He lives 2 hours away and was making a lot of effort to come and see me every chance he got but I couldn't tell anyone about our relationship because of the situation I was in. He has been EXTREMELY patient up until this point.

In my area there are no jobs. I have been a stay at home mom for the last decade and I don't really have any special skills to make me stand out to anyone. And when I say no jobs, I mean NO jobs. Not even McDonalds is hiring. I have finally asked my husband to move out. He will be staying with his parents and still thankfully keeping the lights on at home.

Now my goal is to move towards my new relationship. In order to that I need to get a job and save. I refuse to kick my children's father out one month and move them into a home with a new man the next. I just won't do that to them. So I have to be able to get my own place and then slowly introduce them to this new situation.

As I've stated, this man has been patient, but his patience is wearing thin. He wants me there now, and I just can't be there now. I have to find work and save I have to have a roof over my kids head. I cannot just throw him at my kids and say here ya go kids it's really over with mom and dad and this is the new person in my life. I think that's unfair to them and to him, because that will just cause resentment.

So I'm finally in the right direction on getting divorced and getting moved by getting my husband out of the house. Now the new boyfriend is telling me that he's tired of waiting. There's nothing I can do. I cannot manifest money from the heavens. I cannot move my children to a new city where I don't have a guarantee of employment or a roof over their heads.

Is it wrong of me to ask him to wait just a little longer or am I being selfish? I'm concerned because it's been 10 months that he's waited and I am grateful, but I just need a few more months, at least till taxes come back and I can afford to move.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[girl68]

Your kids come first. Stand your ground be a good mother first. Your children are going through one of the hardest times in their lives and they'll need you through it.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

You got pm.

[Confused81]

Does he have any kids of his own??

I'd be asking him to wait a few more months, if he loves you he will wait. If he gets cranky and pushy then you need to ask yourself if that's what you really want for you and your kids.

[southernangel]

@ Confused 81. Yes he has a son of his own that he has on certain weekends. His ex has custody. I have told him that I would never ask him to move as he would be moving quite a ways away from him and that wouldn't be fair to either one of them. I'm trying to be fair for all involved. I have told him that I'm either worth the wait or I'm not, and that will settle him down for a few days, but then he starts all over again. Keeps telling me to hurry, but how fast can i go? I can't force someone to give me work, I can't force someone to lend me money and it is expensive to move. I love this man, but I refuse to be pushed into putting my children into an uncomfortable situation.

I would like to say thank you to all here, Wicked, I cannot PM you as I don't have 15 posts yet if you want to send me your yahoo or your aim we can chat that way. The rest, you've not once judged me for being in this difficult situation. None of us want relationships to be over especially when children are involved, but we can't force ourselves to love someone that we don't. Thanks again.

[reeba]

You feel selfish that you are putting your well being and your kids wel being first? You have three kids to consider. And acting foolishly can easily affect your divorce/custody.

Has he offered to move you and set you up in a house of your own? How long have you known him? Is he going to help you with taking care of kids and financially until you get on your feet? Or are you going to be 100% dependent on him and his house? I see a BAD BAD situation here. From your writing you sound like a smart woman. Don't let the inital rush of emotions push you into a stupid decision. Dont' you remember how you once felt about your husband 14 years ago? I'm sure the exact same rush was there too.

If some guy who lived a mere 2 hours away told me that I needed to promptly move to his town or else..... I would be weighing my options with a biased scale that was not in his favor.

Your husband let you be a stay at home mom despite financail hardships. He probably had to do overtime to make up the lack of a second wage earner in the house, stress about his job stability since he was the sole bread winner, you had his family nearby to help with the kids, he is even still supporting you while he has moved out at your request to his parents. I realize that there are many unhappy marriages, but what in the world makes you think that this new relationship is going to be better than this several years down the road when the 'inital rush' is long over. This new guy's lack of impatience and lack of understanding is starting to look a little like a red flag, wouldn't you think?

[southernangel]

My husband and I have financial hardships BECAUSE he got fired from his job for a very stupid action. Then he lied about why he got fired, then he had to take a job that he was well overqualified for for a fraction of what he was making. We didn't have financial problems 2 years ago. We had financial problems because he couldn't behave himself at work. That is a HUGE issue since I worked to get him through college so that he could get a good paying job and I could stay home and take care of our children.

As far as the new guy. He has offered for me to move into his house and he move back in with his parents till I could get on my feet. I just don't think that's appropriate and I know my ex won't go for it no matter whether the new guy is there or not. Red flags do go up, but I have to consider the fact that he's waited 11 months for me to get my stuff in order. I'm not jumping into anything, just came here to see if I was being too selfish in asking him to wait just a little bit longer. I love him and it's not the same love that I had for my husband 14 years ago as I'm not a 16 year old pregnant teenager with little or no choice on what to do. I tried to make it work despite both our misgivings but after 2 years of trying, I'm tired.

[twinrexes]

You really have to do what's best for you and your kids. You're not being selfish. You're being smart. You're absolutely right that you can't just thrust this new guy on them right after breaking it off with their dad.

I also understand his impatience. But he's going to have to suck it up for a few more months. He should be able to "get it" about what's best for the kids, since he has one of his own. But just because he should doesn't mean he does.

Why so impatient anyway? You ARE making progress. Your husband has moved out. If that weren't the case and I were the new guy I'd be worried but surely he can see you're moving in the right direction?

[southernangel]

Yes, he should be able to see that and I try explaining it to him. 8 months ago he told me he would wait for me forever and I try to explain to him that it's not even been a year. I don't know if it's the stress of never getting see each other or if there's something else going on that's upsetting him that he's not telling me about.

[Confused81]

Just hang in there :o) you are doing the right thing, it's so so hard (trust me, I've been there) but it'll be best in the long run. Stay strong and always put your kids and yourself first. Remember that no matter what, if this relationship doesn't work, if things go bad for you and him, then it's your kids that will be there through thick and thin. Do the right thing by them and you really can't go too wrong :o)

The right thing by your kids is standing on your own two feet before letting this guy 100% into you lives.