Heartache.....Where do i start?

[inkeepingsecret]

Hi all,

My name is Glenn and I am new to the board. I really need to vent and get some things off my chest. So if anyone is listening, thank you.

Where do i start? First of all my girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 2 years now. Our situations are completly different. She is 19 and in college, which is 90 miles away from where I live. For myself, I am 22 and focused on my career. I didnt do the whole dorm-life college thing and i started my career about 2 years ago. Pardon me for rambling but i want you to understand our situations. She has had a good upbringing with successful parents that have installed ambition that anyone would envy. She is motivated, trustworth,driven, ambitous and the kind of person that cant be content sitting around. I respect her more than anyone.She has a lot on her plate with school, crew, friends, family and our realtionship. As for me, i am not nearly as ambitious, but i do and have been exceling woth my career. I havent had a childhood to brag about and my parent aren't successful. I was also raised as a Jehovah's witness, in which i have completly turned away from. Oh, i also live on my own. So that's the backround.

We met nearly 2 years ago when she was a senior in high school. We dated for a few weeks before we started to be labled as a,"couple." I didnt think much of the realtionship at first, but then we fell in love. Head over heels in love. You all know what i am talking about. Everything was great, until she tells me that she will be going away to school. My initial reaction was that i wasnt going to be able to handle the long distance and i had all of those doubts. She convinced me that everything will be ok, that we will see each other on the weekends, breaks, vacations and so forth. So we both decided to try.

Her first year at school went fairly well. We saw each other every single weekend and everything felt right. Her parents continually told her that we were too attached and too close. She began to have doubts but we continued to remain very close. Talking to each other 5 times a day and so forth. This past summer was great. We were together everyday, i stayed at her house and she stayed at mine. During last year she was thinking about tranferring back down here. I never asked her to do it because i never wanted her to do anything that she didnt want to do, but i must admit, i was thrilled. As things panned out there wasnt enough of time to get all of the paperwork in and the school she was applying to doesnt let people transfer mid-semester.

Anyways, she is up in school and i am down here. She has changed her major to biology and her schedule is completly filled. She doesnt have as much as time as last year, so we dont nearly talk as much. When i talk to her it seems like she is losing interest, but what i think is happening is that she doesnt have much free time to herself, so she talks to me when she is doing things. She hasn't mentioned tranferring for next year and nor will she. She has made up her mind and i am ok with that.

The problems have started this year. I have had a hard time understanding how hectic her schedule really is, but i have been trying. My expectations going into this year have actually been higher because of the summer and all that. The truth is that they should of been lower. She jsut doenst have as much time for me as she did last year. For that, i have been unhappy and taking things out on her, leading to fighting. The fighting only happens when we are apart. When we are together, everything is back to the way it is. It really hurts that distance is putting so much of a strain on out relationship. Last month i was talking to her and all emotional. I wanted her exclusive attention at that particular time. I was upset and rambling, but she wasnt all there. She seemed to lose interest. I felt like i was talking to a completly different person. That made me angry, so that esculated into a fight. The final product was a break. It crushed me. I was so confused. Devistated might be the word to describe it. The next day she called me and apologized, so we got back together. SO we try and make things better but nothing changes. We continue to fight during the week and on the weekends nothing could go better. Its really hard to adapt to. I began to lose trust for her and doubht her and her love for me. She began to feel that she could never live up to my expectations. Which brought more and more pressure on her.I subconsciencely held that against her. So, last week i was feeling down and we proceeded to argue. I was hurt and i was either going to make her break up with me or she was going to try harder for us. My thinking wasnt justified. I was being a horrible b/f. We both came to the conclusion that a break was the answer.

The next day reality set in. I love this woman more than i could possible love anyone else. If we could, I would marry her today. I have had these feeling all along. I would do anything for us. Before, i told her i would transfer my job to be closer to her and she said no. That hurt. She thinks that she would want to spend all of her time with me and lose her friends and her college life. But, thats not what i want. I want her to enjoy her college life and do whatever she wants to do. I just want that security that i feel when she is down here. I am not overly controlling or anything, just insecure. I know she loves me. Now, she wants to have space. She wants to go out and meet new people. She wants to see if i am the one she wants to be with. She told me that she might want to hook up with someone else and i dont want or need anyone else. I have yet to have those desires. I feel this is true love and i am willing to do anything to make this work. I didnt call her for a few days and she was still upset. She said that we need to do this the right way and not jump right back into things because if we do and nothing changes that we would never be able to save our relationship. SHe said it is better to have these doubts now then to have them when she has to make huge life choices with grad-school,career and so forth. It was hard for me to take. After a few days i thought that it was right for us. Life is really tough and its hard not to talk to the one you love. I did a lot of thinking and evaluated our situation. The way i looked at it was this. I have 3 options. 1)Break it off complety and try and find someone else. 2) Let depression set in and alienate myself from any and everyone. 3) Support her and her decisions, give her as much time as needed. Be there for her, and jsut give her some space. Nummer 3 was the path i chose. She accepted my path. The doubts that i have now is of her intentions. She still feels like she should meet other people. She thinks its wrong to say I love you even tho she says she still loves me more than anything. AM i wrong in my decision? Is our love fading? Is there any hope? Should i try and meet other people? Should i accept the fact that it is over? Should i do what she wants me to do? I dont know what to think anymore. I am hurting badly. I love her so much and all i want is her. I think i need to be a patient man.


Help?

[inkeepingsecret]

by the way...Sexually, we were each others first and we cherish that.

[Heddy]

Know i think u made the right decision. One the harder ones but i think one of the more rewarding ones. You just have to be patient she's out of the honeymoon stage in the relationship but that doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. After she's finished her schooling everything will sort itself out but at the moment she's at the stage where she has to concentrate on what she needs and enjoy her social life not her private life. Relax it's just a stage i suggest you enjoy the time u do get with her but stop worrying when u arn't together and do things u enjoy that way u will both be happier and the argueing will stop and therefore she will feel happier and relaxed around u. Best of luck

[kronos51]

Hey man. First off, I was in a similar situation. My gf and I have been dating 2 years, both 19 and in different colleges. I thought this year was going to be much easier and better than last year, but since both of our workloads have increased alot this year it was actually much harder. We both had alot on our minds and this can easily cause problems. I, particularly, started to get insecure that she was spending so much time meeting other people and doing her work that she must not care about me as much. The truth is she was just trying to live her life and I overreacted, but this came through in the way I acted and began to make her doubt the relationship. She said almost all the same things your gf has said, and it hurt me very much thinking that she could want to try being with other people.

Then I had an epiphany. By being insecure I was making her more insecure, and causing her to think that maybe I was changing into a different person than the man she loved. I knew that at least part of the reason she was attracted to other guys was that they reminded her of me, and she just hoped on some level that they might fill the gap of me not being there, and my odd behavior was making her consider this more. I figured the best course of action was to show my love by apologizing and supporting her in her endeavors to learn more about herself. She has tried dating several other guys, but it hasnt worked out and each time she tells me how it made her realize more how much she loves me and the things about me that she cherishes. Now things are great, and I think we are both stronger and much more mature for it.

I think you are following the best course of action you can, just support her and reassure her and be there for her no matter what. If she loves you she will realize it and everything will work out . Good luck!

[inkeepingsecret]

First of all, I want to thank you all for helping me out. All of these things isaid i would do are a lot easier said then done.Initially, when i told her i would support her i felt good. Like we were headed in the right direction. But, the next day i started to have doubhts, i started thinking that i might be complety wrong and should try and go out with other people. The thing is that i dont want to but, i wont be able to handle her hooking up with other guys without keeping myself busy. I think if i just sit back and wait and she goes and does what she needs to do, that if and when we get back together i might resent her. I am getting stronger, I blocked her off my buddy list and havent called her. Its really hard. Yesterday, she IMed me and it kinda gave me chills. I didnt want to respond but i had to. I gave her a simple hi, how was your day? Ok i will ttyl... I think that was the best way to handle that right now. I have started talking to someone, and it made me feel a lot better, but she isnt who i want. Another thing, My ex told me that she is going to have to stay up in school for the whole summer to make up classes for her major. She said she was afraid to tell me and it has been stressing her out. I htink this may also have soemthing to do with the way she has been feeling. The thing that i am starting to realize is that I may not be happy in this relationship anytime soon. I am impatient, and thats not a good quality if you want to keep a long distance relationship. But, i love this woman, she is so special to me. I want to try and make this work. Can it ever work??? Should i move on??? Am i setting myself up??? Is there no such thing as true love??? I used to think there was.....

[kronos51]

Well, I had those feelings too, doubting whether we would get back together. The thing you have to do is either trust that she loves you and you love her and things will work out, or decide that you want to move on and do so. Again, easier said than done, but it is necessary. If you really love her (and thus cant see yourself with other people) then stick with it, and I personally wouldnt avoid talking to her (which kinda takes away your role as supporting her if she needs it). Chances are that if she does still care about you deeply then she will have trouble remaining with other guys, and if youre there to support her through this she will eventually see that you have been the guy that is really there for her and loved her all along. Then it's just up to her to decide if she wants to be with you or not, because you will have done all you can to show her your feelings.

[inkeepingsecret]

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need some help here. Its been one week and we still reall arent talking. Today, i loked at her away message and it said," doesnt it scare you, your will isnt as stong as it used to be"......... so it got me thinking...was she thinking that i wasnt gonna be there when she wanted me back??? i dont know,, then i was thinking if that was from a song.... so i put those words in google and it turns out that its a john mayer song, called back to you.... Heres the songs lyrics....

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit every game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away
This way

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette

should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you
Could not do

Leave the light on,
I'll never give up on you,
Leave the light on,
For me too, for me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be



I am thinking that this is a good sign for us getting back together.....What are your guys feelings??? but either way it had to be directed towards me right??? and i think she wanted me to figure it out....what should i do????god i love this woman...

[kronos51]

Im gonna say just talk to her straight. You dont want to be stuck interpreting away messages, it kills ya man. Just ask her how shes feeling and let her know how much youre thinking about her. It would appear that she is at least thinking about things alot, so ask her if she wants to talk. If she does great, if not dont push it.

Good luck

[squirrley]

See what sucks is that both sexes go through this exact same thing. Deciding what to do, what is right for the relationship, what is right by the other person, what is right by your own self. Decisions as some should be made quickly, others feel like they hang. Then when you make the decision, did you make the right one, you question it til your head falls off. YOu have headaches from hell. You go through so many emotions. And sometimes base decisions on your emotions and your heart rather than your head. But when you realize just how much you love that person, you need to make a decision that is also healthy for you. How much can you really take while going through this emotional waiting period, while the person youre in love with decides they need time?

And the feeling of giving that person all your balls in their court, to decide if they want to be with you or not, thats just emotional hell too. I personally like to have control of my life, and this is the hardest thing someone can do...putting your life in someone elses hands. I guess if you trust that person, its worth the wait and risk. The most important thing while going through this period, is trust yourself, and have faith in yourself that no matter what happens YOU Will be ok. Dont allow yourself to be put in a situation where your happiness is compromised. Dont depend on that person to make yourself happy, you are own responsible for your own happiness. In saying that, if you feel happy that you have made the right decision for yourself, than dont worry about things, things will happen the way they are meant to.

If you put yourself in a position of knowing that you will be ok with or without that person, youre ahead of the game! You have to maintain a positive attitude while going through this phase. Let your emotions follow through, but pay attention to them, dont let them rule your life and your decisions, but pay attention to those gut feelings now and then. Continue giving space as she requested, but also set your own goals for your own life. And things will fall into place as they are meant to be...but keep your head high, things will br ok no matter what happens!

[inkeepingsecret]

ok here's an update...... I took your advice and IMed her. She responded promptly and we were having one of those hi, how are you, ok,ttyl converstions. It was like we thinking so many different things at once, but couldnt ever mutter a word to each other. I know she was feeling the way i was feeling. She stated that she hasnt been doing well, and she continues to leave these away messeges about us and our memories. I am thinking that she wants to get back together but is so afraid to. So afraid to get hurt, so afraid to hurt me again. I told her that i will be here if she ever needs to talk about anything. Also, i asked her," are we ever going to talk about us" she simply stated,,,,,,,,,,yes......... I proceeded to ask.....when......she says she doesnt know,,, she hasnt came to any conclussions and she is sorry........i said that is completly fine....... i also told her that i realized that i will be fine with or without her......implying that she shouldnt be afraid to tell me wnything...even if that means hurting me...............was this the right course of action???

[kronos51]

It seems pretty good to me. Squirrely had a lot of good points. The one thing I see differently is her opinion about letting the ball be in her court (which is what you have done). I personally gain closure from this. If you let her know how you feel exactly and leave it up to her, then you know you have done all you can, and can trust that she will make a decision based on the full knowledge of your feelings. Here, you have to just trust in yourself and her, and trust that the outcome will be for the best one way or the other. As long as she doesnt somehow misinterpret the statement that you will be fine without her as saying you dont care about her anymore (which could be possible ) then she should I think be clear of worries about you and be able to concentrate on her own worries.

Hopefully everything will turn out well, and good luck in this process.

[inkeepingsecret]

Thanks everyone... I think that everything will be ok. I am not as worried as i was before....But i do have my moments...hehe...every other day is different....The thing is that i have been talking to some other girl. She has been keeping my mind off of things. But i am so in love. I couldnt do anything to jepordize what her and i have.........But, i am hanging out with that girl this weekend... I want to seee what i feel when im with her......Im so confused

[kronos51]

Hmmm. I say just go with your feelings and what will make you happy. When my gf and I broke up so she could see other people and discover her feelings, she said I should too. I told her that she could do what she wanted and I wanted her to do whatever was necessary to clear up her feelings, but I had knew for sure that I had no attraction for other girls, so I wasnt about to force myself to do anything, cuz I wouldnt be doing it for me. She even told me that when she went out with other guys she felt like she was just going through the motions to prove something, and she already knew the answer.

So yeah, just my story for a little insight. I suppose the most important thing Ive found in times of emotional disorder is to try not to do anything or make any decisions that could have strong consequences, and to wait until things are less confused and you know what your feelings are.

Good luck in all things my friend.

[inkeepingsecret]

Ok, here's an update... On saturday, I IMed her just to say hi. She began to ask me a lot of questions. About meeting people and how am i dealing with this. I told her that i didnt meet anyone and she began to tell me that she has stopped caring about school. She has been miserable, she says she is dying inside and misses me so much. I felt so bad, no one wants to see the person you love hurt. Then, she says," we need to talk" she asked me if she can call and i say yes. So, later that day she calls me. I was thinking that she wanted to get back. I told some friends and they thought the same. I was kinda excited. So we talk and it felt so good to hear her voice. THe first thing i say is what are you thinking about us? She says nothing and she doesnt have anything to say about that. I was crushed again. I mean all signs were pointing to us getting back together. She said that breaks should be longer then a week... WTF, she always has been the kind f person that cares so much about things going the way they "should". Like every god damn thing has to go according to some sort of plan. I wish she thought with her heart a little bit, instead she always thinks with her head. She knows that i have always been there for her, so now she feels lonely, because the friends she is "supposed" to have, havent been there for her the way i have always been. I would of done anything for this woman, and i know that i have been a good b/f. I always put her first and foremost. But, sitting back and waiting for her to decide on what she really wants and needs is a role that i dont think i can handle. The last few days i was actually OK. I was in high spirits and i took you guys advice, that no matter what i will be ok and i know that i have some qualities that some girls out there will appreciate. I think i am barking up the wrong tree. I told her that i cant do this anymore. I told her that this has to be completly over. I am so frustrated and there isnt anything else i can do. I cant be the reason for her regrets. As long as i am in the picture she will have regrets. Her parents have always beaten ideas of how a college life "should" be and if she has anything less that that painted life, then she isnt happy. So, i am thinking that i just need to move on. Things wont change. This is the way its going to be for a while. Honestly, i wasnt happy, i was afraid to try and move on because i thought i couldnt find anyone else. I have to be strong. Sometimes,I wish that she would just do something more concrete so i have a reason to just end it. I dont want to set myself anymore and she wont really appreciate me until i am completly out of her life. I love her.........Am i right in my decisions??? What do you guys think?



Sorry for the lengthy reply........

[kronos51]

Well, its all up to you man. My gf is almost exactly the same. Her parents told her that she shouldnt be so attached to one person so soon, and she should be dating around and having fun in college. The thing is, this was just making her feel like shit because she knew she wanted to be with me but she wanted her parents to be happy too.

If you think it is best to just get away from her, then by all means do. I cant really tell from your conversation how she feels, but sometimes people have trouble wanting to fulfill their parents' expectations and follow their heart at the same time. I got through it by just chilling and waiting, I've never been the type to require being in a relationship so it wasnt too hard to just concentrate on school work for a while, while she worked things through.