28 going on 2

[xFrozenParadox]

Me and my fiance have been together going on 8 years. From the beginning up untill about 2 years ago, we were both neutral in our relationship. We would come to understandings, not all the time see eye to eye, but we talked, worked things out, and there was a balance. However the past 2 years, its like he has turn into a monster. He has became really agressive. If things dont go his way, he throws temper tantrums along with threats. If you do this I'll blah blah blah. He always has something negative to say it seems, and I feel im tip toeing around his tempers to avoid him over reacting. He has become really controlling. Tried talking about this with him, and his response is if everyone knows i get upset eaisly, they why does everyone piss me off? I replied why should anyone have to watch what they say or do because of your reactions? Lately I have been looking to start a career and become a paralegal, and he listed atleast 10 negatives off the top of his head as to why I shouldnt.. He tells me he loves me, im beautiful, and sweet and caring, but with a blink of an eye he will flip out about anything! We do live together, for 4 years now, and im feeling really miserable. He over reacts, over critizes, everyones an idiot, and if hes pissed enough he brakes things. Im not interested in even kissing him because everything just seems to flash in my mind of things hes done just that day alone, and then he gets mad cause I dont want to kiss him......... Im not looking for a way out, but looking for advice maybe how can I stabilize this releationship. Im willing to try anything to make it work. Im a really mellow person, and 2 years later i dont think the most calmest of person could want to tolerate this any longer. Also I have told him if this persists, he can walk or I will. What can I do?

[MerryH]

You can't "stabilize" a relationship with a person who is unstable and irrational. Especially with a person who blames everyone else for his temper, like this:

Tried talking about this with him, and his response is if everyone knows i get upset eaisly, they why does everyone piss me off?

If him saying that didn't make you roll your eyes and write him off, I don't know what will. Why aren't you looking for a way out? I mean, if you really really really want to make it work, then you should suggest some counseling, for both of you individually, and as a couple. But that's a lot of work for a relationship that is quite broken right now. It really sounds like you'd be better off without him and his negativity and anger.

[sweetkissesforu]

You can't "stabilize" a relationship with a person who is unstable and irrational. Especially with a person who blames everyone else for his temper, like this:



If him saying that didn't make you roll your eyes and write him off, I don't know what will. Why aren't you looking for a way out? I mean, if you really really really want to make it work, then you should suggest some counseling, for both of you individually, and as a couple. But that's a lot of work for a relationship that is quite broken right now. It really sounds like you'd be better off without him and his negativity and anger.

i agree he sounds toxic
by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Wed May 13, 2009 8:01am PDT2553 CommentsPost a CommentRead More from This Author »Report Abuse..Share
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Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

•Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

•Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

•Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

•Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

•Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

•Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

•Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

•Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?