dont want to be a girlfriend

[julygirl]

i dont want to be a girlfriend, I want to be a wife...my boyfriend and me have been together almost 7 months..i am very sensitive to the fact that its important not to be with a man too long if he doesnt marry you, because of something that happened to me in my past...

My boyfriend and me get along pretty good...but I am worried that I am not sure if he has some intention of marrying me, or if he really just plans to be bf/ gf for a time, with no particular plan for the future?

because of a lesson I learned in my past, I dont subscribe to the line that you need tons of time to wait for the man to marry you...more times than not, in those cases, the man is just stringing the woman along, imo, from the couples I have seen, and my own experience.

i learned a real important lesson that made me feel if you are with someone that you love, and get along with, etc. and it has been half of a year, at that point you should be hearing talk about marriage...

but my bf doesnt. When his friend told us he was gonna propose to HIS girlfriend, that reminded me to not just sit around forever waiting and hoping he'll marry me, and then he ends up leaving for someone else and I get scr****. So when his friend told us he is gonna marry his girlfriend, later on I brought up subject of marriage to my bf...obviously I didnt propose, maybe im old fashioned, i would leave that to him. I dont really think its a good idea for the woman to propose...but after half a year together, i think its fair and understandable for me to want to know where this is headed. So i brought up the subject with him and he said he loves me, but isnt ready for thinking about marriage...

i can understand if he doesnt want to get married quite yet, but what concerned me was the fact he didnt seem that interested in talking about it with me.

then I read this article that said a man usually in a short time of dating knows in his heart if he sees you as his girlfriend, or his future wife...there's a difference.

i do not want to be a hang out girlfriend, I want to be a wife..i want to live in teh same home with him, live daily life with him.

i sometimes get tired of the whole thing of me having to drive over there, pick him up, we go out, then i come back home alone...

I got scre**** in the past, and my daughter ended up very hurt because my ex fiancee after 18 months of me being faithfully by his side, he ended up assaulting me and then leaving for this other woman he had just met on the internet...

So bottom line, we've been together 7 months, I am starting to get turned off at times because we get along great, but I sometimes feel like a 20 yr old running around on dates with him. We are not 20, we're older, and I feel at this stage in life, sine we love each other and always want to be toghether, isnt it time to at least talk about the future, and make some type of plans?

[VincenzoG91]

Marriage is not that popular these days. I'm an old-fashioned guy, so I still believe in the institution. But a lot of younger people today consider marriage to be a legal entanglement that should be avoided. They feel that a commitment between two people shouldn't require paperwork and a big expensive occasion. And even in times past, some guys were nervous about making a commitment. And seven months is pretty fast. You probably won't find many guys who would even consider a proposal after just seven months.

What do you really want? A legal formality? You can probaby get that from some guy if you force the issue, but possibly not the current guy. But if you are looking for a lifetime commitment and a lasting sense of security, getting married won't necessarily give you that. The divorce rate is high these days.

[Boisdevie]

7 months is NOTHING. I was with my ex for 18 months before we even lived together - didn't work anyway. Do not rush to get married

[sweetkissesforu]

If you rush into it and he was not ready you might end up divorced or in an unhappy marriage with kids anything that is good is well worth the wait ps marriage is not all its cracked up to be relax enjoy getting to know each other

[girl68]

7 months is NOT long enough to be thinking marriage.

I don't think you want to be married I think you want to tie him up legally so that he can't leave you (as easily even if he wanted to) because of your past.

[therobby3]

Honestly, I don't think 7 months is long enough at all what so ever. Really, if you love someone I don't think it should matter a whole lot if your "married" or not. As long as you are with them that should be satisfying enough. I've been going out with a girl for 3 years, we got along GREAT, always said we loved each other and had talked about getting married in a few years (not fully planned or anything but talked about it). Just about a month ago she broke up with me... You think you know someone even after 3 years of spending everyday with them, but I guess you don't.. So I imagine 7 months is really not long enough.

I agree with "girl68", perhaps you want him to be legally tied to you because you are a little insecure, which I understand. Just realize that you may not know someone as good as you think even after 7 months. And if something would go wrong and he would ever want to leave, it'd be much better to happen before you are married.

I think you should stay boyfriend/girlfriend for a good while. My personal suggestion would be 2 years MINIMUM before marriage, but I'd suggest 4 - 5 if you were to ask me honestly. If you both truly love each other just being in each others company should be enough for now. Good things come to those who wait.

[julygirl]

its funny bc I know a good number of couples, the longest one was 3 yrs before getting married, the rest of them were all married within 2 yrs max. There was a couple of 3-6 month long ones too. My sister and her husband have been happily married now for almost 15 yrs and have 4 kids. They were a couple for 2 yrs before the actual wedding (he proposed after about 14 months)..
i guess in this particular crowd maybe im in the minority, of wanting or believing in marriage..i personally and strongly believe in marriage as many many people do, because to me it signifies the real evidence of love and commitment.
like I said, in my own experience and that of several people I know, it should not take years on end to know if someone is the one they want to marry...
hoping that some 'pro' marriage minded people log on so I can get the other side of the coin...
i dont deny some people want to avoid it, but for me, it is the ultimate show of love, c ommitment, family values, etc.

I have done caregiving in the past, (for elderly poeple)...there was this one couple, the man was 92, she was 87, and they had been married since the age of 19-- and happily, they still hold hands, etc. He told me he proposed to her after 6 weeks of dating!
so while I wouldnt want to do it quite that fast, I certainly wouldnt describe 7 months as 'nothing'...in fact, its a good chunk of time to know someone and know if you love them, how you get along, etc.

it seems like more older people or people with old fashion values place importance on shorter engagement time...younger people and those who are less marriage minded tend to say they need years on end before even deciding about it

[Gratedwasabi]

The above posts are correct, 7 months is not long enough.

Also, from a man's point of view, you're going to scare him off. Just by constantly thinking about wanting marriage, you're going to terrify him. Even if he wants to marry you at some point, he's going to be frightened of you wanting it after 7 months. Men can feel danger and a girl wanting to get married after 7 months of dating is about as dangerous as things get for us.

Take your time. And you NEED to live together before you even think of marriage, imo. Living together can very quickly destroy a relationship and it's much better for that to happen before you get married.

[girl68]

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO pro marriage. I'm also soooo not into rushing it, which you are.

And if you keep pushing him chances are he'll propose bitter as hell you "made" him.

[Take2]

It's not about being in favor of marriage in general. I won't date a guy who isn't looking to get married when he meets the right girl. I am 100% looking to get married. But if a guy proposed to me at 7 months, there is no way I would agree, no matter how much I loved him. I hope it works out that way, one day, but 7 months is TOO SOON to make a lifelong commitment. Particularly one with complications like previous divorces and children!!!!

That "sweep me off my feet" thing is cute in movies, but just not advisable in real life. You say your daughter got hurt when you ex left you, just think how crushed she would be if you rushed into a new marriage and that fell apart a year down the road? A man who doesn't propose at 7 months isn't afraid of commitment, he's just sane!

[YouAreBeautiful]

7 Months is such a short time. It's really not enough time for most people to really get to know each other. I'd recommend giving it 2 years at the least :-)

[julygirl]

Take2,

you said you wont date a guy who wont marry the right girl,..that is along the lines of what I am trying to say here...not that he should marry me right now,..i just after 7 months feel like it is valid for me to know from him whether that is his thinking- in other words, is marriage something he even wants ?
i just would like to know if he is the type, if he meets the right one, will want to get married? or is he the type, no matter how right the person is, he doesnt want to?

[girl68]

OK, this post and your first post are entirely different.

I think you are approaching it wrong. What and how did you bring it up? Did you ask him his thoughts on marriage or did you say when do you want to get married? The approach makes a world of a difference. If though regardless of approach, he refuses to discuss it, I would be concerned.

[Take2]

Yeah, I have THAT discussion WAYYYYYY before the specifics of this guy and I would be relevant. Just a basic "Where do you see your life in 5 years?" "What is your ideal goal romantically?" sort of general conversation. I have found that is easier than talking generally when you have started to get close, because then is SOUNDS specific even if you mean it generally

I think you may need disclaimers "Hey, I am not trying to get a specific commitment from you to me, just asking hypotheticals,..."

[therobby3]

I understand what your saying julygirl, that wanting to be married shows that you truly love the other person and are committed. However, even if you do love each other I think that getting to fully, FULLY know the other before getting married is important, as there are other things that could be wrong with a person that could lead to ending a relationship. I say just hang tight and talk to each other and learn more about each other over the next few years as much as you can before you get married.

Like I said, I was in a 3 year relationship and things went down hill in the blink of an eye. You think you know someone but there may be things deep inside you don't know of. Not to judge every relationship on my bad experience after 3 years, but it's likely to happen. I think a lot of times it takes something big to occur in someones life to you to see how much they really care about you and how they act under pressure.