Am I Being A Fool? Help Please!

[lovebird72]

My boyfriend of 3 months is still not over his ex. Our first date happened w/in a couple of weeks of their breakup and he told me from the beginning that they'd had a volatile and passionate relationship and that it would take awhile for him to get over her. As a matter of fact, he told me recently that he had initially only wanted a fling with me to get him over the pain of the new break-up. However, something happened between us that neither can explain...we clicked instantly and have progressed a lot in our relationship. I can say for sure, that I'm falling (hard) in love with him and that his feelings are growing for me. We talk about the future, are very open and honest w/ each other, spend all of our time together, etc. However, even though he's made strides in his grieving over the end of his last relationship. And he's assured me time and again that he is not going to get back with her...and he wouldn't leave me for her: He's still not over it...not over her. She's still in his life even though she has a boyfriend (that she left him for) and he still has all her pictures up, old love notes and flowers, etc. She's all over his apartment. I guess my question is: When is enough, enough? Do you think there is a chance he will ever love me?? I don't feel like I can or want to give an ulitmatum b/c we haven't "defined" our situation yet. He has begged for my patience in this matter. I know he's afraid he could lose me over it...but I'm afraid too. Please, any advice would help. I appreciate it.

[girl68]

You're being a fool. He's comforting his loss with you, that's very different from him being interested in a future with you. I say: back off. Tell him you're not leaving him you're just giving him the time and space he NEEDS (not wants) to get up on his feet.


I'm sorry to say: you're just filling the void his ex left. I doubt you're much more than that. And if you really are, he'll take this time and use it wisely eventually coming to sweep you off your feet, but I don't think that will happen. Sorry kiddo.

[lovebird72]

That's hard to hear...and my mind wants to come up with a thousand reasons why you could be wrong...but I think you are right. Damn...it hurts a lot. I'm afraid I'm in for a painful lesson. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[girl68]

Your welcome. Just take yourself back you can still be friends if you choose to. But if you're finding it hard here's what you are (sorry) REBOUND, REBOUND, REBOUND.

That don't mean you're not a good catch... sure you are BUT, you're still a big fat REBOUND. You don't deserve to be, you sound nice. Goodluck breaking it off.

[Take2]

You know, when my ex left me, I first wanted a guy to fill the void. Which I decided was unhealthy and ridiculous almost immediately, but timing varies wildly. I opened my heart to the potential of a real and lasting love, decided to risk being vulnerable to that kind of relationship and emotion. It is a common process in grieving a dead relationship.

And your dude may do that tomorrow or next week or 2 years from now. But if you stick around, it doesn't end up in happily ever after for you. When your guy finishes grieving and is ready for true love, he will likely realize that he chose a poor match in his depression and grief, dump you and go find a girl who is a true match. If you are not OK with being a transitional person for this guy for a while and letting go when he is healed, then walk away now.

[Gratedwasabi]

You're being a fool. He's comforting his loss with you, that's very different from him being interested in a future with you. I say: back off. Tell him you're not leaving him you're just giving him the time and space he NEEDS (not wants) to get up on his feet.


I'm sorry to say: you're just filling the void his ex left. I doubt you're much more than that. And if you really are, he'll take this time and use it wisely eventually coming to sweep you off your feet, but I don't think that will happen. Sorry kiddo.

This. The fact that he still has her photos and stuff up makes it even more clearcut.

You're the rebound. Sorry, I've been there.. sometimes it seems like it's not the case and then you get a really, really hard slap in the face by reality.

Get out before you get any more attached.

[lovebird72]

There is a backstory here that I didn't share because I didn't want to make my post too long. Me and my guy dated years ago (we are in our 30's)...and had very strong feelings for each other back then. For various reasons the timing was terrible and we went our separate ways. I never forgot him and we reconnected, like I said, soon after he ended his last relationship. And the moment we laid eyes on each other...we were right back to where we were all those years ago. Our connection is intense and we are very good for each other. He has strong feelings for me and treats me beautifully (outside of the ex's pics being everywhere...gag). And he has been 100% honest with me along the way. He tells me when they talk...what they talk about, etc. He doesn't want her back...she doesn't want him back. His pride is wounded (she left him for another man) and he's dealing with anger over that. Basically, we weren't strangers as of 3 months ago...we were previous lovers...so I don't know if that changes your opinion at all.

[Take2]

Doesn't change my opinion for the better at all. You are comforting right now, and someone he knows. Once he is emotionally strong again, he will leave you and you will be that much more crushed because you are reliving a dream from years ago while he uses you as a crutch while he heals. I don't care how long it has been since the old relationship ended, his reactions to it are like it happened yesterday, and he really shouldn't be dating anyone while he is so crushed. No good can come of this for you, although it will certainly help him to heal quicker that you are there for him until he dumps you. You just need to decide if you are up for that.

[Confused81]

Sweetie, Just the fact that you posted this topic here means you already know what everyone has said so far.

If you continue down this path right now you will get hurt.

It's an unfortunate fact of life that people think they need someone to get over someone else instead of thinking they should be on thier own. Someone always gets hurt in these situations and I can tell you now it won't be him.

[lovebird72]

Thanks to all of you for your replies. As much as I want to believe that I'm going to be the exception to the rule...you guys are probably right. Harsh...but right. I took this risk. I knew going in what the situation was, so I only have myself to blame. In any case, I think it's worth it to me to ask him outright. I don't think he's consciously using me to make himself feel better...so if I bring it to his attention...and if his heart is as good as I believe it to be...he will tell me the truth...and he will let me go rather than continue to use me. My heart is breaking already.