What is really fair?

[Yet another guy]

Read his other posts. Read all the 12 posts I made in reply. You get the true picture pretty fast.

I asked those questions to get you thinking about what's really the problem with your relationship. If you claim that your husband is unapproachable, you really should be able to explain why. It's acceptable for either of you not to be interested in sex if woken up from a sleep so there really must be good reason for not doing it while both of you are awake... and so on.

I took a glance at few of your posts. I didn't find the answers to my questions and I had hard time understanding some of your posts but I got the general idea that neither of you is really trying to make your relationship to work.

[Regnent]

The answer is that I've been trying to hide my problems by arranging and creating issues I have used to blame her.

The initiation thing is due to the fact that I havn't been leaving any healthy openings for a mutual relationship. I've gone out of my way to make sure that I feel I'm the victim, that the problems are not mine.

[blinki]

so... are you both on here trying to put out each others fires without talking to each other? are you both in the same house at the moment or what? because i don't understand why you're both on here trying to justify your side of the story to a forum of strangers... when you could be discussing it yourselves.

*this story is almost sounding fake to me. and if this actually is real, you both need to do SOMETHING, or do nothing, and just split. and yes i know how many kids you claim to have.

[Vampyria]

I have been talking for years actually. And we spent three days talking.

I posting on here to defend myself with the lies my hubby posted about me. And yes I live in a free counrty where I have the right to choose to have no children or 100. All our grandparents fought for it here.

So yup talked to him, talked to him for many years. Found this wonderful site with expert advice for him sitting here, which is 180 away from what has fact. So why cant I be here? Why is it that the other side of the story isnt allowed to be posted? Sorry you all spent your time beliveing him and I am here calling him on it and setting the record straight. Sure buddy you want my my cell number? FB I can prove I am real and so is he. Or is this all so out of the realm of the "Love and relationship" help you offer here?

Seems it was great he could post horrible things for a good round of popcorn and when I come here now its a problem? Note I wasnt on here he was I FOUND this by accident.

[Regnent]

Actually, the sad thing here is, the past 3 days of this, is probably more that I've given her in 14 years.
Yes, we've split, and yes, -I'm- this ****ed up.

She's here to defend herself because not only havn't I done that, at all, but I've attacked her and said things that are simply not true, and havn't said many thing that were important.
She has tried, she has tried more than anyone should.
She has given more trust to me than anyone before, and I've turned it back and used to make her feel like she's somehow the faulty one.
I havn't listened to her, or believed in her, or defended her. It didn't suit me, and the end result is, I didn't have any reason to treat her as I have, or to trash her here as I have.
I didn't want to work at it, right? I was already doing enough (Worse than nothing), and I convinviced myself, others, and even her that the problem wasn't me, but her.

So yes, we're posting here. I crossed this line, and betrayed my wife, so here it is.

I have called her names here, blamed her for all of my problems, bother real, and created. I have spent years making her feel like she wasn't a person, or loved, or even alive. I have made her feel regret about our children, both durring pregnancy, and in life. I have made her think that she had the problem, I have made other think she was the problem. I havn't defended her, I've attacked her. I've hurt, and abused her, and I've made a nice show of it here.
She is the one with the right to post here, not me. Though, unlike me, she would have continued to move hell and high water to ME, and not strangers.

[MerryH]

I'm not sure why you're getting so upset with the members of this forum, Vampyria. I glanced back through this thread, and with only a couple of exceptions, people were pretty fair to you, I thought. Your eyes must be glazing over when you read the posts that defend you. You kind of make it sound like you think we all sit around telling your husband how right he is and how hard he has it. Not so. In fact, people routinely call him out on his shit when he whines about you. Maybe reading some of those posts will help you.

[MerryH]

I have called her names here, blamed her for all of my problems, bother real, and created. I have spent years making her feel like she wasn't a person, or loved, or even alive. I have made her feel regret about our children, both durring pregnancy, and in life. I have made her think that she had the problem, I have made other think she was the problem. I havn't defended her, I've attacked her. I've hurt, and abused her, and I've made a nice show of it here.
She is the one with the right to post here, not me. Though, unlike me, she would have continued to move hell and high water to ME, and not strangers.

Cool. So have you apologized to her? Because I just did a quick search for the words "sorry" or "apologize" in your last few posts and you haven't used those words here. You're eating all kinds of crow since you got busted, but you haven't apologized for any of it.

[Regnent]

She's defensive because the one person she trusted to defend her, didn't, and actually turned on her. She's rightfully angry at me, and about this game I've put here. She's not being overly upset with people. She has every right to come here and say her mind, about me, and about what she thinks.

I have appologized to her, and I don't expect it to just go away.

I am very sorry I have been abusive, hurtfull, and manipulative, and close minded to Vampyria.

I am sorry I wasn't enough of a human being to see what I was doing, and on top of it, went to public forum to continue my beratment of her for choices we both made, and had accepted.

I regret that this has come to this point, and she didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve the effert she put forth to try to make things work, even though I did what I could to do the opposite.
I can't take any of it away, or even 'fix' it, and for as long as she'll have me, be it 12 hours, 2 days, or the rest of our lives, I will treat her as a human being, as the person who trusted me, and had faith in me.
I have taken everything I could, and offered nothing. I will be more than I was.

[Vampyria]

He has said sorry here in the past few days, but honestly I am sitting here completely side swiped by all of this. I mean what do I do oh okay thats alright?

I cant find the answers because I am literally blown away. This these posts, calling me a whore, i wanted the kids not him, how i am a fridget yet he has 7 kids, how he communicated. On Wensday we were shopping for easter for our kids. I had no idea about any of this seriuously.

Ya sex has been an issue because I have told him I need more then a body here. Yes the emotions have been missing from him for a long time. And I have excused it, I made excuses for him and I accfcepted it as being part of him. I know this is wrong, and yet i made every attempt to try to tell him this and he would example say I didnt need anything from him I needed to go get friends. Who as life has it because me think hes super dad. The couple of them that have called and found me crying got the pleasure of seeing his posts. They are as shocked as I am.


And ya I am mad at some of the posters some of them in these threads are jerks. Some posts imply the problem is our kids which momma bear doesnt like. It makes it worse when suddenly hes posting he never wanted them. What who have I been living with and yet these posts are here. One poster told me men dont come on the net for help. Well I didnt see him taking any "help" other then getting fixed and cheating on me as being answers.
And ya I am here posting defending myself against whoever because I am broken, sue me.

Everyone here is picking on 7 kids. My best friend also has 7 children, regnents grandmother had 11. How is that the issue in this when hes whining about sex? How does that rate someone saying I have mental issues? Yup sure do. All but one of my kids are in the top of their classes, all attened sunday school the older ones go on their own (nope we arent in a cult just lutheran). I bake for every kids class on every holiday religious or not. Every child is in 2 sports or programs at any given time of the year. I save money every way I can to make my hubby not use that against me, although our house is paid off and we have 0 debt. I plan trips and outings to whatever I can find for low cost or next to nothing to try to do things as a family.

I mean I could go on and on defending my motherhood, being a wife, but really I just want a damn answer thats a good one as to why. We have spent 3 days crying and talking to find out I am awsome, great wow. We found out that he has issues again great wow. Issues that most likely come from his mother, but hey who doesnt. I had issues too I choose not to become those things that made my life horrible before I became a wife and mother. Why couldnt he if he loves me?

So this is what I got left right now these damn forums, maybe someone out there will at least say they been there and tell me what to do or what I should be feeling or what I am feeling is ok vs oh your all f'ed up in the head and your kids this, too many blah. Without knowing me or apperently actually giving my side of the story a second thought other then the your f'ed ect ect.

[Vampyria]

See right there he saying sorry and hes wrong. He made alot of vows when we got together to, which included a simple life and 13 kids to never treat me bad, to always protect and love me for WHO I WAS. And yet the other posts say I am a whore he didnt want kids he doesnt get sex but he made breakast. And now it says hes gonna to change. Can you understand now why I am going what do I do?

[MerryH]

So this is what I got left right now these damn forums, maybe someone out there will at least say they been there and tell me what to do or what I should be feeling or what I am feeling is ok vs oh your all f'ed up in the head and your kids this, too many blah. Without knowing me or apperently actually giving my side of the story a second thought other then the your f'ed ect ect.

Vamp, I'm trying to tell you that you had support here from before you even showed up. Not everyone here has said that you're ****ed up. I have not been in the unfortunate situation that you are in and I can't tell you what you should do, but I can say that you're completely right to feel blindsided and betrayed. Your husband did you wrong here and said terrible things about you. Of course you're upset. Anyone would be.

If posting here helps you, then please continue. Of course you have a right to defend yourself, just understand that not everyone thinks you're the bad guy here, so you don't have to be so defensive and angry. Direct your anger at your idiot husband instead.

[sookie6]

Vampyria...I honestly think that your husband goes through both extreme feelings..being both a happy and proud father while at the same time he is resenting this life for all the sacrifices it implies....

Also him calling you a b... or a W....I think not to find him excuses stems from an intense feeing of rejection and you need to remind yourself that Sex for men is not only an act but also it's vry often the way they connect with you (even though you say you don't feel any romance between the two of you)...

I have a happily married colleague (married for 30 years) and to this day they have sex several days a week...her husband always initiate and although it's not mind blowing sex or passionate or romantic most times it's their way to connect...and her husband feels loved and wanted...and she has no complaint about it...

What some posters were trying to say about you having too many kids is that modern lif makes it very difficult nowadays to offer them what they need to be successful in life...financially you'll need to work harder to offer education, health insurance etc....it's a real tough challenge and even though you're happy to do it you can't possibly dedicate as much time and attention as a relationship with your husband requires...especially when you hit a bad patch you're not necesarily willing to discuss and analyse how the relationship can be improved...you are so busy responding to each of your children's needs...

These were just a few thougths I hope you will gradually clear your mind and think efficiently about the next decisions to make to avoid falling into a vicious circle of arguments. fights and insults.

[Vampyria]

I agree with everything you said. But sex wasnt bringing us together either way.
As for the kids and attention and money. Regnent drives a truck seasonally, our home is paid for and we have 0 debt, no credit cards. In Canada we have no health insurance, in comparison to from what i hear on cnn, america. Our childrens current costs for education is 35 dollars a child a year.( and University here since we are residents of this provience are well under 5k a child a year and free for children who take medical degrees with a contract they will work here for 5 years after graduation) All sports and activities and feilds trips are included in this. Small towns are awsome they even pray at christmas events. Children are really not an unmanagable or burdens as society has made alot of people believe. And I been dealing with pickin up the slack for him for 14 years when it comes to our children without becoming exhausted or flustered or insane. I choose my children and they are my life. My pastor's wife said she lives by WWJD which normall means what would jesus do but it acctually my first name when she says it. LOL The kids arent the issue or the time they get vs my hubby. He just spent 4 months off of work(winter) sitting on here typing these things and telling me everything was ok. He had plenty of time, and i made the attempts.

But I do appreciate your post and I get it, but its not the cookie cutter that fits the actual circumstances.

[sookie6]

If its not the kids then...and you pretty much explained and made it clear it was not then...what can it be that has caused so much divide between the two of you...you husband comes accross as lost and confused...one minute calling you horrible names and the next he is defending you against the whole world...

Mmmm...I hope you find a way to open and maintain communication...you know there are such things as middle-life crisis, depression and so forth in a man's life too...and even though you feel like you're the one pulling more weigh in the realtionship maybe your husband is the overwhelmed one!

Good luck to you two.

[Yet another guy]

And yes I live in a free counrty where I have the right to choose to have no children or 100

If you have the right to choose to have as many children as you want, why did you choose to have more than you can afford?

So why cant I be here?

You are here, aren't you?

Why is it that the other side of the story isnt allowed to be posted?

Why aren't you posting the other side of the story? We can't help you if you leave out all the details.

Or is this all so out of the realm of the "Love and relationship" help you offer here?

I'm starting to believe that the solution to your problem is out of reach of a forum. If you don't want to help yourselves, no one can.

Seems it was great he could post horrible things for a good round of popcorn and when I come here now its a problem?

Could you explain the problem to us so we can help.