My face has 'WTF' written all over it right now

[warriormaiden]

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up in May of this year, after (almost) three years. He didn't want things to end, because he thought everything was going FINE in the relationship (he must be in some serious denial to think THAT) But after going through the last year of the relationship feeling like he didn't want me, and then he cheated on me, and then BRAGGED about it to my face, I felt it was time to end things.


We've kept in touch, I would see him occasionally and he would always bring up our chemistry and how fantastic it was. Whatever. I left the country for a few months, I didn't speak to him much, I came back, started hanging, casually, with another man.

He found out about this. And all of a sudden, 'I miss you, I need you, I can't stop thinking about you, you're gorgeous, you're the perfect girl I need and want, you're everything I desire, I miss you so f*cking much I could die......' on and on. He started to show more signs of affection and care, then he did when we were actually together.

I have slept with him a few times, but it was purely out of weakeness. Because there is a part of me that misses him. But it's more like a slight little tug. It's not a throbbing wound anymore, and honestly I can go through a week without once thinking about him.

But there's a part of me that still considers Us.

So anyway, I was just now talking to him online, and he seems to think he knows EVERYTHING about me, so I asked him if he thought I loved him, or was I IN love with him.
And he instantly responded with In Love.
So I asked him, if he was in love with me. And he said......."I just love you."
Which turns out he was never in love with me.

So right now I feel confused, because he's saying all this stuff to me, bringing me soup and such when I was sick all this stuff! I spent THREE YEARS of my life with with this man......and yet, he was never In Love with me?

I'm just trying to understand what's going on inside his head. Seriously, WTF is going on.

[devonbrown]

From the sounds of it, he seems like someone who finds the grass greener on the other side of the fence, so to speak. When he had you, he didn't want you. In fact, he cheated on you. When he didn't have you, he played it cool because there was no threat. Now that there is someone else around to possibly take up your time, he wants you.
Being IN love and loving someone are just semantic terms that everyone puts their personal definition into. Don't worry about that so much, especially since he is an ex-boyfriend and not a current one. What happened in the past, whatever he WAS feeling, is meaningless for your current situation and life.
It sounds like he will say whatever he can to get what he wants. And that seems to be wanting you at his beck-and-call. Don't give in to this treatment. If he wanted you, he would go about it in an entirely different way.
It might not be a bad idea to not talk for a while either. I think that will help clear your mind on the situation.

[sadie_genie]

What he says doesn't mean much because people says things they don't mean all the time. So, look at his actions. It seems like this guy likes your company and maybe he even had passion for you. But he doesn't respect you. He has cheated on you and doesn't even think it has affected you. A relationship can have passion without respect and this can make for a very unhealthy relationship. Close your legs and continue hanging out with your new guy until he has shown you (through action) that he is ready to commit to you.

[warriormaiden]

I just can't understand how he can kiss and touch and caress with the most softest of touches, and look at me with such a tenderness as if I was the most precious thing in the world, and not be in love with me.

[Gratedwasabi]

I just can't understand how he can kiss and touch and caress with the most softest of touches, and look at me with such a tenderness as if I was the most precious thing in the world, and not be in love with me.

I hate to say this but any and all men can do this. Sex, touching, provoking intimacy, long kisses, passionate stares, sweet nothings; all perfectly capable for us without the lightest of emotional attachment.

If his actions outside of physicality aren't matching up, he's just playing a game for more fulfilling sex. NEVER judge a man's feelings for you based on the physical things he does. EVER. We don't always see certain things like women do. When I passionately kiss a woman and caress her gently and pull her close and stare into her eyes it's because I want that sense of closeness and fulfillment from her reaction. I don't do it to be a manipulative jerk, I do it because it makes for better foreplay and better sex. Some guys use it to manipulate.

ACTIONS speak much louder then cheap words and hormone-driven touches.

[Frankston]

Spot on comments so far.

Do you guys have fun? Share lots of in-jokes? Can you talk for hours, or do you grow tired of each other quite quickly?

I suspect your ex, like millions of men, yearns for closeness and affection/sex, but doesn't really connect with you on other levels.

[warriormaiden]

So basically, don't take anything a man does or says as genuine? :-P


Yeah, we have fun sometimes. It's kinda rare when we have a moment where we have just sat and chatted for hours. Mostly, we just kind've flirt with each other, or if not that, we just kinda do a quick catch up regarding what's new in each other's lives, and then hang up. It kind've starts to lag, and he can be kind've a quiet person and by that time, I just end it.

[sadie_genie]

So basically, don't take anything a man does or says as genuine? :-P

No, you just need to tread carefully and not take his touching, stares, etc as sole signs of genuine feelings. There are plenty of information and "players guide" out there teaching guys how to seduce women to the bedroom with those techniques.

[devonbrown]

The lack of communication and how he gets quiet and conversations lag is not a good sign. It is almost as if without anything physical happening, or potentially physical actions happening, he can't stay interested enough to care about what you think.
And I agree with the previous comments about not judging how someone feels based on how the are touching, caressing, kissing, etc. It is your interpretation of these actions where your emotions come in. How he means them might be completely different.
Tread carefully and good luck with the new guy.

[Zaza]

do you like this new guy?

i feel like a lot girls discount the good things that are happening in their lives TODAY because of feelings they had in the PAST. not to say that those feelings aren't real too, but i think one of the best ways to find that out is to give it a shot with this new guy... if you like him of course. your ex seems confused, and doesn't know what he wants. take a chance, and if your ex moves on you'll know he really didn't care anyways.

[cloudfa]

if you knew that things were not 'fine' for a long time, and stayed with him then you have to look at yourself inside then a guy will come who reflects the purity deep inside you

[Gratedwasabi]

So basically, don't take anything a man does or says as genuine? :-P


Yeah, we have fun sometimes. It's kinda rare when we have a moment where we have just sat and chatted for hours. Mostly, we just kind've flirt with each other, or if not that, we just kinda do a quick catch up regarding what's new in each other's lives, and then hang up. It kind've starts to lag, and he can be kind've a quiet person and by that time, I just end it.

Don't take anything a man does or says when it involves his **** as genuine. Ie: flirting, touching, kissing, sex.

Things like calling you or texting you to see how your day was, giving you flowers because it's Tuesday, taking you somewhere he knows you've wanted to go, asking about your family or friends, showing a recognition of things you've said in the past, being NICE to you, smiling at you across the room, etc etc etc etc.. show feelings.

If a guy's **** is involved (and it gets involved at the slightest possibility of sex within the next 12 hours, I assure you) it's probably not genuine.

[warriormaiden]

Now that I think about it.......I don't think my ex has EVER called me just to say hi, or just did some random nice thing. Ever. Random guys have complimented me more than he has!

I feel so stupid. Like those chicks you see on Maury or old Ricky Lake epi's where the woman is just sitting there bawling over this dog of a man, and you're screaming at the screen 'He never wanted you! Don't you see??!!" I want to punch myself in the face. I'm usually not this gullible, but when it comes to this guy....I morph in to an idiot.

do you like this new guy?

.....ank. It was kinda nice in the beginning, but I'm seeing more that he's very dispassionate about everything, including me. And it's a turn off. I haven't seen him much lately.

[Incognito]

Well everyone gave a lot of good advice warriormaden. I'll go further by saying that this guy is either extremely manipulative, immature or both. There are other guys out there who will treat you right and connect with you in nonsexual ways. If you are weak when it comes to him send him a text that tells him not to contact you anymore(or an email) then block his number through your phone(s). That way you won't even know when/if he called. Then try your best to avoid him.

[devonbrown]

warriormaiden, don't beat yourself up over him or this situation. Just learn from it and be even stronger. Don't let him "win" over you any more. Good luck!