Making Girlfriend Want You More

[Spaghettiarms]

Some of you might have seen my other recent thread about my girlfriend flirting situation. I decided to look past it, learn from it and forget about it. I've decided that instead of not having anything to say, and her needing to talk to other guys, im going to make her want my attention, rather than the other way around.

The past month, its turned into me wanting her more than me, possibly because ive got a lot more free time than her. i used to be unpredictable and not give her what she wanted, which i now realise she liked. I feel like im constantly checking my phone to see if she's text me back, and make sure we talk every night. Obviously its hard for me to tell how she feels as im not there (long distance relationship. im back in a couple of weeks) but i know she really likes me because of convocations we had in the last 2 days.

I've decided to back off. i want her to be ringing me randomly, and worrying about what im doing when i go out. but am not sure where to start as i dont want to push her away.

Not being a dick about it is important, but stuff like purposely missing her phone calls sometimes? and not texting back? This is stuff she's done to me (probably not on purpose but who knows if she's not doing this to me!) so i know it makes you want them.

any advice appreciated!

[sadie_genie]

Keep things on an equal balance. Wait for her to call you then next time you call her. If you start making her initiate all the calls from now on, it might create a backlash and an argument.

[Regnent]

I hate to say this, but don't be so needy. Animals can smell fear and stuff, women can smell your need for them.
I hate to generalize, but women (and to be honest, most people probably) tend to behave differently when they feel they have the power.
Once people get what they want, they tend to stop trying.
Take sadie's advice, let her start contact.
Heck, don't check your phone all the time. Going to the store? Leave the stupid thing in the car or at home.
If she's never left waiting, she sure as hell isn't going to ever feeling the -need- to see or talk to you.
There's something to be said about being unavailable.

[xxazurexx]

You best be careful.

If you back off and when you have always been the one to initiate most of the contact, she could interpret it that you are losing interest.

She may not be a person who initiates all the time....I'm not.

And if a guy stopped calling me so much, it wouldn't make me call him more.

Not everyone runs after that which distances.

[Regnent]

Depends really. If it's what he wants, and it's not who she is, then it may not be the relationship for him.
The risk here is if she's not that kinda of person, but what is there to loose? Someone who doesn't make you feel desired? Not a horrible loss in my books.

Of course, there's always talking to her about it.

Though, honestly, wether you run after things or not, if you were to call, text, or invite something which was -always- available and the response was always immediate, how would you feel about them vs someone you -sometimes- didn't hear right back from, or wasn't available that night?

Would you enjoy, or express any more interest when you were able to talk or get together after not being able to?

But then, not everyone is the same. Depends on where you like the center of attention really.

[Spaghettiarms]

theres nothing wrong with the relationship. it's just that when we started going out properly i changed to this needy, i want to talk to you all the time, guy. which isnt me. and i can tell shes got to comfortable with that.

i might be over thinking this whole thing. but backing off a bit is the right idea. its not the relationship. its me being in love with her.

[Regnent]

We tend to want things we like. If we like it alot, you'll gladly, and freely take as much as you can. It's far from anything bad, but if it's leaving you feeling that things have become a little unbalanced, change it, or talk about it.

You apparently really enjoy her company, but you need to make sure that it's somewhat balanced. Maybe she's feeling smothered.

[smackie9]

We desire more what we can't have. Making yourself less available, absent, distant, distracted, makes them want you more. This is why they say jerks gets the girl and nice guys finish last. Girls want challenge. This why I always say if you want a girl to like you, you have to make them earn your attention. Don't be showering them with gifts, fancy dinners, and complements, etc. All you are doing is putting them up on a pedestal. No girl wants to be there. When they do try for your attention, wait to respond, then give them a small reward. It's amazing how human nature works.

[Spaghettiarms]

We tend to want things we like. If we like it alot, you'll gladly, and freely take as much as you can. It's far from anything bad, but if it's leaving you feeling that things have become a little unbalanced, change it, or talk about it.

You apparently really enjoy her company, but you need to make sure that it's somewhat balanced. Maybe she's feeling smothered.

Part of me thinks she is. Before we were going out, we'd have this convocation about where we are every month, initiated by her. now were together, ive been the one asking how she feels... ive got to change this.

what do i do?

[Gratedwasabi]

Part of me thinks she is. Before we were going out, we'd have this convocation about where we are every month, initiated by her. now were together, ive been the one asking how she feels... ive got to change this.

what do i do?

I think it might be a fair idea to try and revert back to having equal amounts of initiating contact. Don't, however, just let her phone calls go to voice mail if you can answer them; that's just being a jerk. But wait for her to call you half the time, wait for her to text first half the time, etc. Not all, not some, half. Equal parts. That way she has to work a bit harder to keep in touch with you and it probably brings her focus back on you a bit.

This is all going from the assumption that she enjoyed a bit of chasing you, some women don't like to initiate calls/texts very often and you might just start hearing from her less. I dunno. Give it a shot.

[xxazurexx]

We desire more what we can't have. Making yourself less available, absent, distant, distracted, makes them want you more. This is why they say jerks gets the girl and nice guys finish last. Girls want challenge. This why I always say if you want a girl to like you, you have to make them earn your attention. Don't be showering them with gifts, fancy dinners, and complements, etc. All you are doing is putting them up on a pedestal. No girl wants to be there. When they do try for your attention, wait to respond, then give them a small reward. It's amazing how human nature works.

How old are you? 16?

And to the OP. When you have to resort to 'games' to get your gfs attention, then maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship anymore?

[vertical_sky]

Oh don't do it. Please please for the love of God don't do it.

I dated a guy for 3 years. In the lat year, our relationship was a constant tug of war for attention. In his insecurity, my ex would suddenly stop contacting me, expecting me to pursue. This hurt and angered me, because I saw he was still spending time on others yet never seemed to lift a finger to initiate contact with me (and he also wouldn't pick up the phone on first ring, even if he was sitting right next to it.) I'd cycle between suddenly needy (insecurity breeds neediness) and rage, and so would withdraw myself, and it'd turn into a Russian roulette of who would be the first one in the relationship to "weaken." (It was usually me. He'd feel reassured of his power and that he was "loved" as evidence of me breaking first, and I'd feel resentful and ashamed.)

The thing about playing games (and that IS what you're doing... you're playing a game of her wanting you more) is that you can never stop. It's a never ending puzzle of manipulation and one-up-man ship. I agree, you should be less needy... but you should be less needy for YOURSELF, because you decide to go out and be a better person. Doing it to make her want you more is manipulation. Your neediness came from insecurity. Your lack of neediness is ALSO coming from insecurity. It's not your actions that are necessarily wrong, it's the insecurity behind them that is poisoning the well.

Please, don't play games. I loved my ex once, but the constant games and struggle made me despise him. DON'T DO IT.

[Boisdevie]

Relationships are not about playing games. If you make more of an effort than the other person then it will not work.

[devonbrown]

A couple people have hit the most important detail here - No matter what is happening, playing games does not work. If you want something to last, or even be important, playing games will not get you there. Stop worrying about who is initiating contact, who is talking about feelings, etc. and just be yourself. Simply ask her to do the same and that is the only way you will discover if the relationship is right.

[twinrexes]

It's not about playing games. It's about giving each other what you need. If she needs space from time to time, back off and give it to her. Then move close again. Then back off, and so on, according to the vibe you're getting from her. That's not game playing. It's understanding that relationships are a dance of sorts and there's a constant push-pull dynamic for most. Sometimes you'll be the pursuer, sometimes the distancer and vice versa. Not because you're trying to manipulate but because so many people feel smothered if they're constantly pursued or feel abandned if they're constantly pushed away. They need a little bit of each, at the appropriate times, according to how the relationship dance is playing out. Like one poster said, we are like animals in that we can "smell" neediness and we tend to run from it. Sometimes we just act on instincts, not conscious desires to hurt or play games.