A slight chance longtime boyfriend could be jealous?

[madammustard]

Looked in all the other forums, but I am really looking for a male's perspective on this, so here we go.

I've been together with my boyfriend for about 8 months- no sex or anything, but it has been a great relationship and we've talked, told each other that we love each other and all the other lovey-dovey gooey love stuff. You get the picture.

(A little back story here, tried to keep it short.) About a month before we started seriously dating (the interest had been there before, but no actual vocalization of anything, just talking. Again, no romantic involvement of the physical kind) my ex-boyfriend and I had a chance to, what I call "catching up on things never done". It basically involved making out for ten hours over the course of two days without the chance of getting caught. Nothing more was done, and it didn't lead to anything with more of a sexual over and undertone (no bedrooms, and it was in a very public place. Very vanilla I guess you could call it). My relationship with my ex has been a very interesting one, and it does change the understanding of the situation a great deal so I will give a brief (thank God?) description.

He was my first boyfriend, I was his first girlfriend, and so it was a very new and timid relationship where not much happened that you could call "actually being in a relationship". The feelings were there, but the fact that I was very much under my mother's control as to where I could go and who I could hang out with, and that she literally hated his family, didn't allow us to go anywhere with those feelings. As you can imagine, this was very straining for the relationship, and so we broke up with a series of back and forths, together and not together, and lots of bad communication. When we broke up, we had never kissed, never been on a date, never actually been alone together in a situation that you could call "romantically appealing". Lots of frustration, lots of unlived dreams, and lots of regrets on both sides.

After we actually broke up (no more communication, he got a new girlfriend, etc.), there was never any talk or hinting of "lets get back together and do a fling because we never got the chance to while we were dating" or anything of the like. As far as I was concerned, it was over and done with. Until we got the chance to actually be boyfriend and girlfriend for about two days.

But, the day after all that had transpired, I was hanging out with said boyfriend of 8 months. We ended up holding hands for the first time on that day, and then about a month later he kissed me and we considered ourselves to actually be dating.

My question is this: I haven't told my boyfriend about my little ten hour side trip, and just how close it transpired to when we started getting involved (he considers that day to be our anniversary, since "I knew you were going to be mine then"). Everyone else I've told about what happened with my ex has laughed their head off about it, saying that's the funniest thing they've ever heard and that I'm really lucky to have gotten to do that. My ex even wants me to tell him (we're actually really good friends now), says that he (my boyfriend) won't be jealous and I need to be open with him since it's kinda been hanging over my head. Will he be jealous and overreact? Consider it cheating? Would you as a guy?

Keep in mind, this isn't just a fling I have with my current boyfriend. We're really committed to each other, and have talked about each other's exes in the past. We both value the truth over anything else, even if it hurts us sometimes.

Thanks to any of you that read this, don't be afraid to really say what you feel as that is why I am posting this up here.

[meshulam]

i think your ex is trying to get you back , phase number one in his list is to get rid of the current boyfriend - he knows the obvious - your friend WILL be jealous

if you want to stay with the current DO NOT tell him
and another thing, staying in touch with your ex is never a good thing for a relationships

[madammustard]

I would tend to agree with you meshulam, if it were anyone else that I didn't know as well as my ex then I definitely would agree. I won't kid you and say that he never had those sorts of feelings and regrets, we've had many long conversations (before and after the breakup) where he told me just that. I do not, however, believe that he ever has had a list with a plan to get back together with me. We've known each other for about three years now, and can basically read each other's minds (which is why he is my best friend). You name a conversation topic, and we've probably had it. I know when he first found out about the potential (now current) boyfriend, he was jealous. And sad. Mad, depressed, the whole shebang. And he told me about it too. (We weren't in the "best friend" stage at that point. More like the "I still don't quite trust you, but my heart has healed enough to have a civil conversation. Maybe." stage.) My reconciliation with the ex, and the moving closer to my current were both happening at the same time then, and I was talking to my current about my feelings of hurt, anger, and annoyance towards the ex. He (my current) has never had any pangs of jealousy or the like, he trusts me completely, and has told me so when I asked him why he wasn't worried about my friendship with my ex. (Which I know will sound off warning signs with some of you who are more skeptical among us, but I know his personality. I've seen how he reacts around other people, interactions that have nothing to do with me. He's completely truthful in everything he says, and I trust him all the way.)

Saying all that about my current boyfriend, I cannot honestly state that it is obvious he will be jealous and break up with me (which is what I'm getting from your post). I'm not being stupid and saying that there's no freaking way in hell that he won't be jealous, I am saying that he is mature enough, trusting enough, and has enough of a sense of humor to not let that cloud his judgement and become all freaky-possessive towards me and hate my ex. I don't have that much information about his past girlfriend, I know that she cheated on him with a much older guy and it wasn't entirely her fault, and I know that he is friends with her now but doesn't "feel that way about her anymore. I like you!" That part doesn't add up in my head from the mainstream viewpoint of once you're scarred by something like that then you're not going to trust anyone ever again, but let me stress that I do not have all the information here! And his attitude does line up when I think about how he has reacted associating with other people besides myself. He's anything but normal, is what I've found.

I hope all of this makes sense somewhat...

[Gratedwasabi]

There's absolutely zero reason to tell your boyfriend. Zero. Unless, of course, making your boyfriend upset is something you enjoy. He probably will be jealous and hurt but if it was a month before you two were in a real relationship it's absolutely kosher.

So basically all you'd be doing is saying "Hey, look at that little scratch. Meh, it's fine." And then taking a handful of coarse salt and rubbing it all over the scratch. Aka you'd be hurting him for absolutely zero reason.

It'd be like going on a first date with two people, sleeping with one of them, eventually getting in a relationship with the other, and then telling them "By the way, after our first date I ****ed this other person. Sorry about that."

It's pointless. It's not "being honest" it's "being mean."

[girl68]

don't tell.

it's easy really, he doesn't need to know you weren't dating him= talking doesn't mean anything. I don't care what he thought about you in the talking stages.

My story is similar: I was sleeping with guy 1. During this time I was starting to like and fall for his friend guy 2. I knew guy 2 liked me so we started talking (just like you- no romantic involvment) just hanging out and talking but he liked me and I liked him. I was still sleeping with guy 1. Evenually I get together with guy 2 (and have been ever since) and he does not know I was sleeping with guy 1 while we were talking/ hanging out. I did nothing wrong and I definately didn't tell him- becasue it wasn't of his concern who I was sleeping with before we were ever a couple.