Pornography and Lying

[itzybitzy220]

I need some advice.

I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years...and we were engaged. Eventually I started to think that he might have a problem. At first it was small things and then escalated into much bigger things. Turned out he was a porn addict and sex addict. He would continuously lie to me about everything. My self esteem was so low because of the porn and other girls. I eventually left him after I found out he was having an online relationship with another woman for 2 months.

I was in therapy for awhile to get over that relationship. I've come along way with working on myself. I decided after a certain amount of time that I was ready to pursue try pursuing another relationship even though I know it would be difficult due to my trust issues. I've been with my current boyfriend for two years now. In the beginning of the relationship, I told him everything about my previous relationship and all of the troubles I've had over the years. I told him about all of my issues...and told him that I can't learn to live with pornography. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about...that he hadn't watched pornography in years and that I could trust him. Sometimes I would get anxiety or paranoia because I felt like he was always hiding something when he was on the computer or there were just little signs. He would assure me that he wasn't looking at porn and it was all in my mind. I would even look on his computer and check his history and would find no pornography or anything questionable. Eventually I started to tell myself that it was just my past haunting me and continued going to therapy to try to get over the anxiety and paranoia I was experiencing in my current relationship. My boyfriend continued to encourage me to go to therapy and was always very supportive. However, to my dismay, I recently found pornographic video files on his computer in a separate video viewing program. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had pretty much been lying to me for the past 2 years. He felt like he couldn't tell me the truth because maybe I woudn't have dated him in the first place or would have broken up with him. He said he never expected me to find out.

I really love him...but I feel like our relationship is built on lies. I continued to feel confident in the relationship because I felt like he was respectful of my feelings and was very supportive all the time. He was always very reassuring that nothing was wrong and he wasn't looking at porn. Now I feel so foolish...like I was kept in the dark for all this time thinking that everything was grand. What should I do about this? He feels very ashamed and guilty and embarrassed. He wants to fix things and change but feels like I should just get rid of him because he feels like I will never be able to trust him again. He says he is willing to go to couple counseling with me to help our relationship. I just don't know if I can handle all of this again. I welcome other people's opinions. I would love some advice from people who have dealt with porn or lying in their relationships. However, if you are going to post something like "Get over it, all men look at porn" then I suggest not even posting. That is not helpful.

[Ryan Heitzman]

I look at it and would tell my lover that I was doing it. I hate lying to people. I think its wrong.

[ammi00]

Darling, I agree that you were kept in the dark, and guess what? You're still in there. What bothers you so much about them looking at porn? And why are you calling them porn & sex addicts? You're the one who's having serious problems (related to your self esteem, to your perceptions etc.). You reminded me about a website called Dirty Girl Ministries, claiming to help women who are struggling with porn addiction, a "very real addiction that is plaguing so many". How sad can that be?

[itzybitzy220]

Darling, I agree that you were kept in the dark, and guess what? You're still in there. What bothers you so much about them looking at porn? And why are you calling them porn & sex addicts? You're the one who's having serious problems (related to your self esteem, to your perceptions etc.). You reminded me about a website called Dirty Girl Ministries, claiming to help women who are struggling with porn addiction, a "very real addiction that is plaguing so many". How sad can that be?

What are you talking about?? Why am I in the dark? I refer to my ex boyfriend as a porn/sex addict because he was...from many mental health experts...not my own opinionl. Trust me...it took me awhile before I was able to accept that my ex had that serious of a problem. It was compulsive though...he couldn't stop even if he wanted to and he couldn't stop lying. And you still think that I have a problem? I know that I have problems with my self-esteem...but it all stems from pornography. A lot of women suffer from these same problems due to pornography damaging their relationships. It is not something that I am just making up in order to place blame. Check out some of the statistics on pornography and marriages and you will be quite amazed at how damaging it really is.

[VincenzoG91]

Within moderation, masturbation is a perfectly normal activity for a man, though it's considered somewhat socially unacceptable. It happens because there is an overall disparity in sex drive between men and women, and the alternatives would be either legalized prostitution or a sharp increase in sex crimes. Most men use pornography as a visual aid while masturbating, which is why it is perfectly legal in the United States.

You made him feel bad about masturbating. Maybe he was doing it too much, or maybe you objected to it happening at all. I can't tell from your posts. So he got secretive and dishonest about it, which is his mistake.

What should you two do about this? Do what every healthy couple does... compromise. He agrees to cut back on the masturbation, but you also agree that a reduced amount of masturbation is acceptable, as is a moderate amount of porn. If you try to make this black and white, he is wrong and you are right, then you are being completely unreasonable and unrealistic and deserve the inevitable breakup.

[Charisma]

While I feel for you for your ex boyfriend cheating on you with online women, you have next to no hope of finding a guy who doesn't look at porn.

Porn, at least to me, isn't a form of cheating. I'm talking about the stuff you find online, or in magazines, of total strangers-often actors- doing stuff. When I feel it is cheating is when they are looking at pics/videos of exes or friends, and when they are carrying on conversations/flirtations/cyber sex with real people on the phone/internet/in person, and even going so far as to meet them and have intimacy and/or sex.

You need to learn that sometimes relationships don't work out, that relationships need work from you as well as from him, and that having such strict rules will either get you no bf or force them to lie to you to be with you. They will understand if you tell them not be be involved with other people in any way, but will not understand or comply if you tell them they can't enjoy their own body by themselves in a way that won't cheat on you. Hell I couldn't comply with that from a man.

P.S. have you ever watched porn? If you feel curious enough, look it up to see what the fuss is really about.

[reeba]

I agree that you will never find a man if you insist on finding on that doesn't look at porn. That is what guys do. They look. So what I'm saying is you set unrealistic standards for your boyfriend.

Be happy he is just looking at porn and not going to strip bars and wasting money on real girls, or not leering at the girl across the office. Porn in MODERATION is harmless. And usually guys who watch the real 'hard porn' are doing it more for the freak show, than hoping to emulate. Most guys realize that porn is not an instruction 'how to' manual.

I know some guys go overboard with the porn. And I'm sorry that you were previously dating one of them. However, if you once dated an alcoholic would you dump a new guy for have a drink once in a while? Just because he has a drink once in a while does not throw him in the same category as the alcoholic boyfriend.

[cuttingcrew]

i read that he was dishonest about other things but i'm gonna focus on the porn because you are posting about that specifically.

if theres something i enjoy that my partner didn't like, i'd probably keep it a secret. i'm not promoting cheating or anything. i mean, if i like to have a few drinks and shes a prohibitionist, i'm gonna have a secret liquor stash. if she didn't like smoking and i wanted to enjoy one of cubas finest i'd do it when she's not around. yes, a lot of people enjoy porno, and i think it is unreasonable for you to be upset about that.

on the other hand you should probably ditch him for having an online relationship behind your back