What do you do in this kind of situation...?

[Indestructible]

A couple of months ago, I (accidentally) stumbled upon some information that someone I know very well (who is married) is being very flirtatious with another man, apparently an old flame (who's also married, and has a family). I've continued snooping (I know it's wrong, but it was very shocking to me, and I just couldn't help it), and she seems dead set on trying to get "involved" with this other guy. He keeps contacting her, but he doesn't seem very receptive about cheating on his wife. He really wants to be friends, though, and continues contact.

Why am I so conflicted? Because the woman in question happens to be my mom. Her and I have been very close since, like, forever. I've never in a million years thought she was unhappy with my dad, or had it in her to pursue an affair. This whole thing is just so bizarre to me.

Their contact has mostly been online, via Facebook. In the last month, they've apparently started texting quite often (though I don't have access to any of their texts, just the computer stuff), and he occasionally calls her, and she makes sure to take the call in the basement so I can't "listen in".

I don't really want to come right out and tell her I know... Aside from the fact that she'd be super mad at me for snooping, she's written some pretty unpleasant things to this guy, and she'd probably be mortified to know I've seen them. I've tried to subtly question who she's talking to on the phone in the basement, and I've hinted around that something just feels wrong about her lately, and I thought I had scared her off the whole thing, but she seems to be back in contact with him.

She defends herself hiding in the basement to take his calls by accusing me of always "eavesdropping" on her phone calls when she talks to me grandma, my sister, etc. Admittedly, I've overheard stuff from her conversations and inquired about them later, but I wasn't specifically eavesdropping; I just happened to be in the next room, and we have a very small house...

I dunno what to do, though. It's really bothering me, but I don't feel comfortable confronting her on this, because I think she could easily derail that and turn the issue around, and start a huge family fight. I don't necessarily want to tell my dad, though, because I don't know how he'd take it... When he lost his job a year ago, he basically had a mental breakdown. I'm afraid the news of his wife trying to cheat on him would severely depress him, and possibly cause him to do harm to himself...

[RdHrshyKss]

wow, that's horrible. i guess your parents did a decent job hiding their issues from you. maybe your dad's depression about his job loss has created a massive burden on your mother, and she's looking towards this guy as a means to boost her esteem and feel good? since you are already aware of what's going on, i would personally take her out somewhere where you guys can sit and have a discussion and just be honest with her about it. tell her you know what's going on and you want to understand why she's doing it. don't judge her or attack her, try talking to her about it as a friend...so that she feels like she can open up to you about it. there is obviously something wrong in her marriage. find out what that is and see if there is any way that she can try to salvage it. and most importantly, she should be discussing the issues she's having with your father...if they don't communicate about them, nothing will ever be resolved.

[Sonrisa]

how old are you first of all?

[Indestructible]

how old are you first of all?

22. I... still live at home, mostly because I can't afford my own place, and I don't really have anyone else to live with.

[MerryH]

Stay out of your mother's personal business. You were so wrong for snooping through her private conversations, it's not even funny. What was your goal in doing that? You put yourself in the middle of your parent's relationship problems, which is a total losing situation for you - either parent is going to feel that you sided with the other, no matter what you do. Hide it from your dad? Lose. Rat out your mother? Lose. So do nothing, and pretend you never saw anything. You have no evidence of her being unfaithful, anyway. Just some flirty emails that you were never supposed to see, right?

[Indestructible]

Stay out of your mother's personal business. You were so wrong for snooping through her private conversations, it's not even funny. What was your goal in doing that? You put yourself in the middle of your parent's relationship problems, which is a total losing situation for you - either parent is going to feel that you sided with the other, no matter what you do. Hide it from your dad? Lose. Rat out your mother? Lose. So do nothing, and pretend you never saw anything. You have no evidence of her being unfaithful, anyway. Just some flirty emails that you were never supposed to see, right?

I really don't want to be involved in this whole mess. It's just... it's hard to not think about it. Especially when she's suddenly talking on the phone with this guy and running off to make sure I don't hear her.

To be fair, I didn't start snooping "just because". A couple of months ago, my mom told me she got a message from this guy (who she described as an old friend of her brother), and she told me he was asking her for nude pictures of herself, and she seemed grossed out by this. Not sure why she told me this in the first place, but I was simply curious to see what he actually wrote, so I looked into it, and he didn't seem to say anything close to that. Confused, I looked at a few more of his messages, and then I started looking at my mom's, and that's when I started noticing my mom was sort of flirting. From then on, I couldn't stop, and then my mom's messages to the guy just got worse and worse.

[MerryH]

Oh come on. That is in no way a good reason to have snooped. You were being nosy in the first place.

Now you know how your mother flirts with men. Her A-game. Trying to get her freak on. Maybe your dad has a cuckold fetish and knows about her being with other men and likes it. Or maybe they're swingers. It's gross to think about, right? This is your punishment for being nosy. I have now cured your snooping problem. You're welcome.

[Ryan Heitzman]

Your the same age as me, dude.

[Indestructible]

Oh come on. That is in no way a good reason to have snooped. You were being nosy in the first place.

Now you know how your mother flirts with men. Her A-game. Trying to get her freak on. Maybe your dad has a cuckold fetish and knows about her being with other men and likes it. Or maybe they're swingers. It's gross to think about, right? This is your punishment for being nosy. I have now cured your snooping problem. You're welcome.

I'm not saying I had a "good reason", I'm just saying, I wasn't going in expecting to uncover something like that. I was just curious to see what he wrote, when she told me that, and I wanted to see it for my own eyes. I didn't plan on reading all those other messages, I just wanted to see the one, and then it became so crazy to me, I just couldn't help myself.

[warriormaiden]

I personally, find nothing wrong with the way she found out. If a parent goes on to their child's FB and sees stuff, that's not snooping. I go on to my mom's all the time, just to leave messages, or whatever. And if I see something, I don't find that as being nosy or sneaky. It's public, you can't really hide your wall.

If you are as tight as you say you are with your mom, I would go take her somewhere out for lunch or to the park or something, a place where you know she won't freak out TOO badly, and just be completely honest, and tell her that you are worried about her, and that you're there for her if she needs to talk.

[MerryH]

I personally, find nothing wrong with the way she found out. If a parent goes on to their child's FB and sees stuff, that's not snooping. I go on to my mom's all the time, just to leave messages, or whatever. And if I see something, I don't find that as being nosy or sneaky. It's public, you can't really hide your wall.

Oh, if that stuff was posted publicly, on her wall or whatever, then I agree, it wouldn't really be snooping. I interpreted this as OP reading her mother's private messages. Which is it, OP?

[Indestructible]

Just to clarify, I'm not a "her". :p

But yeah, I "snooped" and read private messages, not public stuff. Again, I don't deny that it was wrong to have "snooped" in the first place, but like I said, I was merely curious about one little thing. I never intended to continue "snooping" and invading her privacy, and whatnot, because I didn't think I'd find something so... alarming.

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree that you probably shouldn't have gone snooping into her private stuff....but if that was my mother, and i started to notice her acting strangely like that after she told me some old "friend" was contacting her, i'd be inclined to find out what the hell is going on too. i think anyone would, so don't feel too badly. if your mother didn't want you to find out about what was going on, she would have never mentioned that the guy contacted her in the first place. my thought is that she probably wanted to get caught for whatever reason. maybe her conscience is getting to her, she knows what she's doing is wrong and she subconsciously needs you to call her out on it. it wasn't really fair for her to bring it up to you like that...if there are any issues that arise from this between your parents DO NOT blame yourself. your mother did this to herself...she's going to get caught one way or another.

i don't know, it's such a shitty situation and i feel for ya. i still think you should talk to her about it. at this point, pretending like it didn't happen is a bad idea in my opinion. there is obviously something going on between your parents (that under normal circumstances would be their private business) but your mom opened up a can of worms by bringing this guy up to you, so it's not really private anymore. she's the one that put you in the middle. tell her what you saw and give her an opportunity to come clean about what's going on with her...maybe she just needs someone to be there for her right now.

[Indestructible]

I dunno. It's getting harder and harder to bring up. Her and I have started fighting a lot lately, about random, stupid things. All of a sudden, she's been accusing me of being overly "controlling", and stuff, and I can't even really fight back. It feels like it's getting harder and harder to talk to her, and if I tell her that I snooped, and that I know she's talking to this guy, she's liable to turn it right back around on me, and I won't really be able to defend myself. She's been mentioning this guy every now and then to both me and my dad, over the last few months. She mostly puts him down, or makes him sound really weird and/ or creepy, but she brings him up every now and then. At first, I didn't think anything of it, but when she told me that a few months ago, and I did my snooping, I kind of understood. The "wanting to get caught" thing makes sense, but she's just making it so hard to call her on, now. Every time she does something suspicious, and I call her on it, she goes off on me for eavesdropping, or "spying", and says I'm trying to "control" her. I dunno. I just don't know anymore.

[MerryH]

I changed my mind, you should definitely tell her that you violated her privacy.