Met a (girl) friend today - disappointing outcome

[bingbattabing]

Hi everybody. An interesting one for you here.

Today I met with a girl who I met a year ago while on holiday. Back when I first met her, I enjoyed the small, few conversations we had, but didn't really develop any relationship beyond this - until I left her a letter before we parted on our separate ways then, explaining that I really liked her. She's from another country in Europe.

We kept in touch (by email) since then and I finally arranged to visit a friend who lives very close to where she lives, whom is studying there. Therefore I arranged to meet up with her too. Today she took the train to meet me in the city in which I'm staying. My friend had left for the weekend to visit another friend, so I was left with his (shared) apartment key and place to stay. I only really had today to meet her as she was busy this week, and was only available today, and I go back home tomorrow in the late afternoon.

It was great to see her and initially everything was going great. We went for a long walk and got talking about life in general, and then we went for a coffee because it was really cold. We must have stayed in the coffee house for close to three hours. Again everything was great here too, but then without any plans made beyond the coffee house, she explained that she was going to get the train home.

I was disappointed to hear this, but was willing to accept that perhaps this was the end of the day. However, she suggested she might ring her sister (who lives in this city we were both in) to see if she was around to meet up. Alas she didnt answer her phone. Then she suggested we go to the cinema or theatre - but only if it was in english to suit me. I agreed and so she made plans to go to the theatre and we went there. Upon arriving there, the play had already began (by only a few minutes), was perceived to her to be not worth the money I was going to pay (I work now, she still studies) and therefore she again said she was going to go home by train.

Again however she changed her mind, and now suggested looking to see something in the cinema. We agreed to do this, but on the way, or rather when we were in the middle of trying to figure out how to get to the cinema, she finally decided to get the train home, as we were in the main station at this stage so it was easy for her to catch the train.

Now, what annoys me about this whole affair was the following;

Firstly, I remained completely laid back and not necessarily the one to make suggestions. Partly because this was her city that she knew, and not mine. Partly also because that is my nature - I dont like to force other people into things, I rather let nature take its course.

Secondly, I did not feel it right to be suggesting to her she could stay at my friends apartment, instead of going home by train. She had admitted she didnt need to be back to her home town until tomorrow afternoon, but this was well before I realised she was planning on leaving before the night was over. Because my friends apartment is his and not mine and because he shares it with other people, I just didnt feel comfortable with this option.

Finally, she said at the theatre as she was hesitating with what to do about whether to go see the play that had already begun, that she didn't like making such small decisions. Again as we were trying to find the right way to go to the cinema, and just as she was deciding to finally leave, she again said she needed someone to make decisions for her. Not necessarily in those words, but it was a hint enough. It was her crying for me, the man, to make a decision FOR her. But, I still didn't feel like it was right to do so. Therefore I didn't suggest anything, and merely accepted her apologies for wanting to go home.


After leaving her, I 'manned up' a little and sent her a txt, first asking whether she did want to stay the night. Then when she explained she was already on the train, I said to her I didn't want to be too forward with her and also told her that I really liked her (in case that had been a doubt of hers, as we only hugged and didnt really get on to discussing anything too intimate). She said that I shouldnt leave where I live at home because she wants to visit me here. And that's that!

The final other thing that should be put into this scenario is the fact she was diagnosed during this year with MS and this was also playing on my mind in terms of trying to be too forward and suggesting anything that might be too much for her.

I regret that I wasn't more forward with the opportunity tonight. I wasn't at all planning on anything happening sexually, but was hoping to kiss her tonight and try and further any potential relationship. Now I am left wondering whether she was waiting for me to suggest a solution to her needing to go back by train tonight/suggest an alternative plan and whether this relationship has any future potential, and if so whether I should go and suggest to her to visit me in my home town as soon as she can?

Thanks for reading and helping in advance. I'm rather disappointed and partly regretting what happened, but I do feel that my behaviour and decision making tonight was not necessarily unnatural on my part.

[MerryH]

You've got to show people you're interested in spending time with them. If you just went along with whatever she said, she probably thought you didn't care either way. I mean, look:

Her: "Do you want to see a movie?"
You: "Ok."
Her: "Oh wait, it's too late for a movie, maybe I should just go home."
You: "Ok."
Her: "Or we could go to this other place"
You: "Ok."
Her: "No, on second thought, I'll just go home."
You: "Ok."
Her:

You don't have to be a pushy, controlling jerk to let a girl know you want her around. Invite her to visit you, and be more enthusiastic next time.

[bingbattabing]

You've got to show people you're interested in spending time with them. If you just went along with whatever she said, she probably thought you didn't care either way. I mean, look:

Her: "Do you want to see a movie?"
You: "Ok."
Her: "Oh wait, it's too late for a movie, maybe I should just go home."
You: "Ok."
Her: "Or we could go to this other place"
You: "Ok."
Her: "No, on second thought, I'll just go home."
You: "Ok."
Her:

You don't have to be a pushy, controlling jerk to let a girl know you want her around. Invite her to visit you, and be more enthusiastic next time.

Thanks - I fully expected that this was the situation, but was unwilling to act otherwise, until she and I parted. Whether that is cowardice on my part or something else, I dont know.

Can I ask you - should I explain to her tomorrow or the next day why I was not willing to make a proper decision, in the form of an email and then go about explaining to her that I really enjoyed the time we spent together and was genuinely interested in spending more time with her, only I was concerned she perhaps was more interested in being home?

Then should I go about inviting her to come visit me as soon as she is able as I'd love to see her again?

Thank you for your help.

[MerryH]

Whether that is cowardice on my part or something else, I dont know.

No, I'm pretty sure that was cowardice.

Don't geek out and explain anything. Maybe just a quick "I had a great time the other night. Too bad we had to say goodbye! Hope you can come visit me soon - I still owe you a date to the movies." Or something.

[bingbattabing]

No, I'm pretty sure that was cowardice.

Don't geek out and explain anything. Maybe just a quick "I had a great time the other night. Too bad we had to say goodbye! Hope you can come visit me soon - I still owe you a date to the movies." Or something.

I can accept it was cowardice, but I genuinely didn't feel it right to try and make her stay for the reasons I've outlined above - albeit even though I probably did receive enough hints from her that she was willing to potentially stay.

I also would like to understand why you'd think it would now harm me to explain anything about my feelings from last night. Because it is a sign of weakness? I'd prefer to clearly explain how I felt so as to make it clear to her that I genuinely was interested in spending more time with her. If you think it's just a bad idea, then maybe I will decide to hold off from doing so. I'd definitely like to clearly tell her I'd like her to come visit soon, so whether or not I just say that, or something like you suggest above or the whole hog, again I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Thanks again!

[warriormaiden]

You've got to show people you're interested in spending time with them. If you just went along with whatever she said, she probably thought you didn't care either way. I mean, look:

Her: "Do you want to see a movie?"
You: "Ok."
Her: "Oh wait, it's too late for a movie, maybe I should just go home."
You: "Ok."
Her: "Or we could go to this other place"
You: "Ok."
Her: "No, on second thought, I'll just go home."
You: "Ok."
Her:

You don't have to be a pushy, controlling jerk to let a girl know you want her around. Invite her to visit you, and be more enthusiastic next time.

Oh, god, I hate it when a man does that. It turns me off so hard, so fast.
A little bit of an opinion helps.

[MerryH]

I also would like to understand why you'd think it would now harm me to explain anything about my feelings from last night. Because it is a sign of weakness?

No, not because it's a sign of weakness, it would just be awkward. You're also highlighting the fact that you kinda blew it. Why would you want to remind her of that? What I suggested you say above does show that you were interested in spending time with her - "Too bad we had to say goodbye." You could add "wish we could have had more time together." That gets the point across without any clumsy explanations. Just be sure to be more assertive in the future.

[bingbattabing]

True. You have more or less affirmed what I should do then.

And as you say and which I really havent alluded to at all, TIME was quite a constraint for both of us. If we had had more time together, it probably could have been very different. Alas, no.

I have to work on my assertiveness to be honest. It's a big problem I have in life.

I really appreciate all your help and advice. Here's hoping I haven't completely blown this girl, because I really do like her and I know she likes me.

[MerryH]

No problem. Good luck.

[Gratedwasabi]

True. You have more or less affirmed what I should do then.

And as you say and which I really havent alluded to at all, TIME was quite a constraint for both of us. If we had had more time together, it probably could have been very different. Alas, no.

I have to work on my assertiveness to be honest. It's a big problem I have in life.

I really appreciate all your help and advice. Here's hoping I haven't completely blown this girl, because I really do like her and I know she likes me.

You failed to make a single decision even when she was hopelessly throwing signals at you. Yikes. Way to fail to in any way be a man, dude. Niccce.

And "manning up" doesn't involve sending a ****ing text. Are you kidding me? Grow a pair of balls before you try to do anything with any girl ever again. Texted after she had gotten on the train. Wow. W-o-w.

Please don't show this chick you're even more of a ball-less ***** then she already thinks. Don't "explain" your cowardice and inability to take control or initiative in any way, shape, or form. Maybe she'll mistake it for you being cool and mysterious, although your lame texting probably ruined that angle. Personally, I'd walk away and learn from this but hey, maybe she'll pity **** you.

[bingbattabing]

You failed to make a single decision even when she was hopelessly throwing signals at you. Yikes. Way to fail to in any way be a man, dude. Niccce.

And "manning up" doesn't involve sending a ****ing text. Are you kidding me? Grow a pair of balls before you try to do anything with any girl ever again. Texted after she had gotten on the train. Wow. W-o-w.

Please don't show this chick you're even more of a ball-less ***** then she already thinks. Don't "explain" your cowardice and inability to take control or initiative in any way, shape, or form. Maybe she'll mistake it for you being cool and mysterious, although your lame texting probably ruined that angle. Personally, I'd walk away and learn from this but hey, maybe she'll pity **** you.

Well as much as I appreciate you giving your opinion on the issue, to be so cruel about my failings is not very nice. I'm already trying to come to terms with how I messed up the situation and how she must be thinking. Your criticisms I can take, but to suggest you know exactly how she must be thinking and that this situation is completely finished is disheartening for me - which I'm trying to avoid with my own thoughts by expressing them here.

We arranged to meet up as friends who both were attracted to each other, and at the end of the day we left as friends. We got to know each other better, but didn't make any intimate movement. The fact she said to me that she would like to visit me in the future (after I txted her), in my home country does at least suggest she is still interested, albeit after being disappointed.