Ex tries to help me out, why??

[Blum]

Please, give me your understanding of the situation. I am getting confused. Plus, tests I had a year ago indicated age-related fertility problems and time pressure is clouding my judgment

I am 36 he's 31. We met as PhD students 7 years ago and liked each other instantly. He was in love with me, we went along very well... for a year. Then he moved to West cost, he visited me once, and after a semester apart I stayed with him for 5 months before going to Midwest . At his place, I sensed he started distancing himself.

He later said that it was because both of us were half depressed as a result of all the stress we were going through. I think he got scared of me staying with him. He would refuse to visit me at my university... At some point he told me we did not have any relationship and that long distance thing did not count. He offered me sex with no commitments. He told me I was free to find someone else, if I was unhappy with that.

I lacked social support that time and I got severely depressed. I was trying to dig myself out and started meeting more people. And so I fell in love with another man. It did not work out - I was not my normal self. A day before sleeping with that guy my ex called me and I asked him if he wanted to have a child with me. He said if he did not know me well, he'd think I am crazy. I swear if he took me seriously then, I'd not go after that other man.

My ex got very hurt and offended. He told me he never expected me to dot that. So we broke up two years ago

A year ago my friend convinced me to have a talk with my ex again. He was still hurt and said that though he was missing me, he did not want to get back. He said he does not love me any more.I accepted it finally and moved on. Since then, I have dated other guys and even had a short fling.

He got a great job. He was sure he'd find a prettier, younger, more successful woman than me, but was overly confident about him being a hot commodity. When I asked him directly about it, he agreed.

Now the interesting part. Since I got depressed I was not working well I fell out of favor in my department. My ex checks in with me periodically and takes really deep interest in my life. I was annoyed at the beginning but since he is a bright guy and I need help now, I finally accepted that. When he learned that I lost funding he offered to support me. And he does. He invited me to stay with him so I'd not have to pay for rent, have comfortable conditions and his support to finish my dissertation.

WHY ON EARTH IS HE DOING THAT??

if I ask him if he's still interested in me, he'd say no.

I have to decide whether to accept his invitation and stay with him till I finish my dissertation. Or I have to bite the bullet and do it here, alone with no money and no support from anyone. I have no idea how to do that... I am afraid that if I agree to stay with him, he'd give me false hopes again or that he would hurt me again.

I am sorry for such a long text. Thank you i

[blent]

Why did you ask him to have a child with you? That's such a huge responsibility, if you think you're stressed now then how do you think you'll feel when you're a single parent? Anyways, do you still like him or not? It sounds like he's trying to get close to you again, people don't usually do things for no reason. If I were to try and get back with an ex, I'd do what your ex is doing, it's an easy way for him to get back into your life.

[Faylefox]

You are both scared of being together again, I can tell that much. Whether you both love each other or if it's a one sided love, I can't tell.

In all honesty, long distance relationships drive people and for a good reason. One thing to be clear though, if he offers to help you financially, it's because he is a friend. Like, I would do that even as a friend and not because I want to pursue you romantically.

I think it's best you have a long chat with him about your and his future and the possibility of being together or not before you make your decision.

Good luck.

[Blum]

Kama,
thank you. I agree with you and I like the precision of words you chose.
I am a more independent woman now emotionally and won't allow myself to be treated that way again. I need to finish my dissertation and start working already to be fully independent. And yes it feels like I am in a vortex.

Why did you ask him to have a child with you? That's such a huge responsibility, if you think you're stressed now then how do you think you'll feel when you're a single parent? Anyways, do you still like him or not? It sounds like he's trying to get close to you again, people don't usually do things for no reason. If I were to try and get back with an ex, I'd do what your ex is doing, it's an easy way for him to get back into your life.

re.your first question. I was 'qwazy'. I was doing better then, things went really bad 1-1.5 years ago financially and work wise. It was my last pitch to him, a desperate call for attention.

Do I still like him? Yes I do. But I am not sure if I will be attracted to him physically, after he rejected me so many times. I have done a lot of "mental processing"of what happened, and now feel he lacked respect for me. However I don't know how it'd turn out when I really see him.
To be fair, he did his part of thinking, too. A year ago he said he was such a fool do do those things. He wised up, although I am not sure how much.

You are both scared of being together again, I can tell that much. Whether you both love each other or if it's a one sided love, I can't tell.

In all honesty, long distance relationships drive people and for a good reason. One thing to be clear though, if he offers to help you financially, it's because he is a friend. Like, I would do that even as a friend and not because I want to pursue you romantically.

thank you for good wishes and for your insight.
He used to blame the distance between us.
Whether the other "good reason" for our break up still exists... I did not buy his explanations last year. I felt he never loved me enough to hear me. And his active help is really confusing me now. If I was as hurt as he claims he was, I wouldn't get involved in the offender's life later on.

[Blum]

And thank you all for your replies.
It' really helps to see insights from outside.

[damn2010]

First off...don't bring a child into the world for the sake of it. It's not right and unfair. People do not understand how damaging it is to a child mentally who are brought up without both parents there in their support unit. It's not fair and not right.

Personally, it sounds like you and your ex have an amazing connection, but perhaps it just didn't pan out as a romantic relationship and you are destined to be better friends.

He is being very generous in offering to help you out. But you have to make sure of a couple things:

1) If he is financially assisting you, does he OR WILL.HE.EVER expect any form of "payback"? And yes, I'm even saying he might make inclinations of you doing sexual favors, etc. You could have a drunken night and end up in bed and then reject him? He could get pissed and give you the cold shoulder. Or later on he might expect you to financially pay him back!

2) How will this affect your friendship? What if you want to go on a date with someone? Or he goes on a date with someone? Will this affect one or the two of you?

3) Will this stutter you two from "moving forward" with your individual lives? Because you might get wrapped up in past memories, will this prevent you two from moving on with independent lives?

You also might want to seek some help for your depression. But you need to approach every angle and every future perspective that might pan out. It is a very generous offer he is doing and I'm sure he'd love your company as well. But you have to cover every angle and if he is the type of guy you can comfortably discuss all this with, then I very much encourage you do so. You have to set expectations and discuss what you're getting into before you commit.

[Blum]

damn 2010,
thank you for the response and pointing out the issues.
I'll think of the right words to ask him.
My ex was not very good at handling "us" discussions and I don't want to start negotiations again. It was his offer and initiative, not mine.

re. paying back. Our agreement is that I will pay him back when I start working.

Sex: I don't expect him to jump on me humping... He's not a macho. If any, I had a stronger sex drive in the past, but after 18 months of Prozak my libido went into the air and hasn't been back ever since. We might have awkward situations but who doesn't.

Dating others: I was thinking about it too. He won't be able to date - a "normal woman" would not date a guy who has his ex is staying with him. Dating for me is not an issue - I have to finish my dissertation, it's not a good time now. I wondered why he would sacrifice his time when he has to build his life too.

Delaying us from moving forwards: Realistically, there will be such a delay. That's why I am hesitating.

[johnfisher]

Blum,

I have a genuine feeling from the way you have typed that deep down a part of you still wants him really badly and that more than his support, you want him. I may be wrong though.

As for him helping you out, after all that's happened between, he's only caring about you. I think it's a man who's just being caring and wanting to help out someone he cares about.

As for moving forwards, please only move forwards once you're completely over him/sorted out things officially for yourselves.

[Blum]

johnfisher

I wrote you a more detailed answer, but the forum ate it.
I will assume he only cares.
My admiration of him and liking of him are long gone.
It's just me being too vulnerable now that I started to wonder about his intentions.

Thanks!

[Blum]

Blum,

I have a genuine feeling from the way you have typed that deep down a part of you still wants him really badly and that more than his support, you want him. I may be wrong though.

As for him helping you out, after all that's happened between, he's only caring about you. I think it's a man who's just being caring and wanting to help out someone he cares about.

I just had an open discussion with the guy in question. You turned out to be right.
He's only caring about me or at least he doesn't say more. Good to know that.

He is being very generous in offering to help you out. But you have to make sure of a couple things:

What if you want to go on a date with someone? Or he goes on a date with someone? Will this affect one or the two of you?
Will this stutter you two from "moving forward" with your individual lives? Because you might get wrapped up in past memories, will this prevent you two from moving on with independent lives?

just want to say thanks again for your advice. I asked him the first question and we touched the 2nd.
It's good to get things clear.

I decided to decline the offer. Will have to manage it alone. Gotta learn how to be a strong woman hehe