Feel so emasculated--please help!

[Losingit]

Please help me w/what will seem like probably a
trivial thing but which is really causing me distress.


Basically, I discovered recently that my girlfriend,
who graduated college last year (we're the same age)
had taken some judo classes her senior year. Well when
she told me this I started laughing and making fun of
her b/c she's like 125 lbs. soaking wet, and is drop
dead gorgeous-she has long blond hair, looks as
feminine as can be, not muscular or anything, and even
did some p/t modeling work while at school to get by.
Point is, she just doesn't look like the type who
would be "throwing down" on a judo mat. Anyway, she
put up w/my taunting for a while and then was like
"you think that's pretty funny? well, how about we
have a wrestling match and see who wins?"

Now,this just made me laugh even harder b/c I outweigh
her by like 40lbs. and i'm a pretty athletic guy. She
and I are both 5'9"....but still, I figured
i'd have her pinned in about 15 seconds. Well, I don't
know what the hell happened, but she beat me, and I
feel completely emasculated as a result. I was totally
shocked. Yes, I know I asked for it. yes, I know she
knows judo, BUT she's no black belt or anything--she
only took like a semester's worth of classes and I
just cannot believe I got thrown to the floor
(repeatedly) and pinned by this skinny blond girl.

She had a good laugh at me, which I guess I deserved
and then she forgot about it, but it's been driving me
crazy ever since and I can't stand the idea that she
thinks she can basically, take me at wrestling. I
desperately want a re-match to prove I can beat her..

I just feel like she caught me off guard and maybe I
even subconsciously held back a little b/c she's a
girl--but if i had another shot and was better
prepared, I KNOW I would beat her. Do you think it's
OK for me to ask her for a re-match? I just can't seem
to let it go otherwise. Please help--it was very hard
for me to write about this--even anonymously!

[BandoMan]

I don't know, man. Sounds like you're in fear for your manhood. I'd let it go. Asking her for a re-match might be risky. Besides, you might get whomped again.

[Losingit]

I don't know, man. Sounds like you're in fear for your manhood. I'd let it go. Asking her for a re-match might be risky. Besides, you might get whomped again.

yeah, I know that's a risk...and if she beats me again, OK, I have to live w/that...but I really just want the chance...I've learned my lesson that I shouldn't make fun of her this time (obviously)...but it's driving me crazy...she knows something's wrong too b/c i've been kind of sulky lately, and I just want to be honest w/her about wanting the rematch.

[Pulchritudinous]

Dude! Give me a girl who's a model and will pin me in a heartbeat for making fun of her-and I'll be a happy man!

You should make sure you're going to be able to beat her without actually smacking the crap out of her. I'd recommend getting filled in on some groundwork from (I'm guessing you're in school) a wrestler. Then have some fun-pin her and kiss her...let her get up and have another go...pin and kiss her again! She might be frusterated...but she'll be having too much fun to get fussy about it.

~P

[Losingit]

Dude! Give me a girl who's a model and will pin me in a heartbeat for making fun of her-and I'll be a happy man!

You should make sure you're going to be able to beat her without actually smacking the crap out of her. I'd recommend getting filled in on some groundwork from (I'm guessing you're in school) a wrestler. Then have some fun-pin her and kiss her...let her get up and have another go...pin and kiss her again! She might be frusterated...but she'll be having too much fun to get fussy about it.

~P

Thanks...I know I should look at the positives of this, but my stupid male ego is really wounded right now...I hope I can pull it off (i really think I can; i still can't believe she beat me) but maybe I will do a little outside prep before challenging her again....plus, I still don't know if she'll agree to a rematch.

[moeburn]

For a second there, I thought when you said she "had you pinned down", you said that you felt "ejaculated".


Bahahaha, sorry, just me

[Fishy]

Judo is grappling pro. No amount of pride will defeat orderly training and discipline. I say you get over it and ask her if she'll be your bodyguard

[Losingit]

Judo is grappling pro. No amount of pride will defeat orderly training and discipline. I say you get over it and ask her if she'll be your bodyguard

I hear what you're saying, but look, she took ONE semester of classes and earned like, a first degree yellow belt or whatever...if she was a seasoned pro I could understand but she's not....yes, her judo is clearly what allowed her to beat me, but despite what you might think, I'm pretty athletic and a lot stronger than her, and I should be able to win, or at least make it close, in my way of looking at it...

at any rate we spoke last night (b/c she was like "what is wrong w/you lately?") and I confessed that all I could think of the past two weeks was how she beat me in that match,and she laughed and said "I can't believe you're still bothered by that" and she told me she doesn't feel any less of me "as a man" or whatever and that i'm not the first guy she's outwrestled--she said when she took those classes in college she would occassionally (though she admitted not very often, when I pressed her about it) beat a guy in sparring, usually b/c they totally underestimated her and she caught them off guard...she said while she's not very strong in the upper body, she's very quick, (this is true as I found out) and was able to knock guys off balance using her long legs--she did this a lot to me--and also said one guy was so freaked out when she beat him that he never came back to class...and all this made me feel somewhat better but I still asked her for a rematch and she agreed, saying if it's that important to you, then sure, i'll give you another shot.

But she also said she wouldn't just let me win or anything to soothe my ego b/c she's proud of her skills and she also said if she wins again she hopes I can accept it and let it go...and I said I hope she can do the same WHEN I win and she laughed and was like "OK, bring it on."

So we're on for the rematch tonight....I'm not feeling cocky like the first time but I think I can do a whole lot better and I do think i'm going to win.

[shenmue]

oh this is SO ****ing stupid. What is wrong with you? She's trained, you're not, she knew what to do and you didn't. I did judo for longer than she did and didn't get as far rankwise, she must be very good. I do brazilian jiu-jitsu now, which is ground fighting, as seen in the ufc and pride and developed by the gracies. When I started, my friend Teresa who is 42 years old, shorter and lighter than me could beat me. Why? Because she had lots of experience compared to me. You have to understand judo to a certain extent and especiall bjj is designed to beat strength with technique.

Another way to make my point: In grappling you have to KNOW WHAT YOU"RE DOING in order to succeed. If you don't understand the mount, the guard, the side mount, cross-side position, back mount, then you're not going to win against someone who does most likely. In grappling, beginners always make mistakes and get very tired. A strategy in bjj is to try to get your opponent tired and or panicked, so you can seize openings. You are just being very stupid with this macho bullshit attitude. She's had training as a grappler, you haven't. Of course she's beat you in a match. It's the same thing as if she had been taught how to fix cars, and not you, of course she'd be better at that, cause she was taught specifically how to do it, whereas you weren't. Same thing in grappling. Don't be so stupid. If you ever underestimate someone in a self defense situation you could be killed. BTW as for my friend I can beat her now cause I know what I am doing, because I've put in my time training. That's the only way to win a match.

[Losingit]

oh this is SO ****ing stupid. What is wrong with you? She's trained, you're not, she knew what to do and you didn't. I did judo for longer than she did and didn't get as far rankwise, she must be very good. I do brazilian jiu-jitsu now, which is ground fighting, as seen in the ufc and pride and developed by the gracies. When I started, my friend Teresa who is 42 years old, shorter and lighter than me could beat me. Why? Because she had lots of experience compared to me. You have to understand judo to a certain extent and especiall bjj is designed to beat strength with technique.

Another way to make my point: In grappling you have to KNOW WHAT YOU"RE DOING in order to succeed. If you don't understand the mount, the guard, the side mount, cross-side position, back mount, then you're not going to win against someone who does most likely. In grappling, beginners always make mistakes and get very tired. A strategy in bjj is to try to get your opponent tired and or panicked, so you can seize openings. You are just being very stupid with this macho bullshit attitude. She's had training as a grappler, you haven't. Of course she's beat you in a match. It's the same thing as if she had been taught how to fix cars, and not you, of course she'd be better at that, cause she was taught specifically how to do it, whereas you weren't. Same thing in grappling. Don't be so stupid. If you ever underestimate someone in a self defense situation you could be killed. BTW as for my friend I can beat her now cause I know what I am doing, because I've put in my time training. That's the only way to win a match.

This isn't about being macho. It's about wanting to test my abilities against her being better prepared at least mentally, respecting what she knows, and seeing what I can do w/a 2nd chance..the first time she totaly shocked me--this time around I think I can do better. If I get my ass kicked again, so be it--i'll suggest we take classes together so we can be on a more even playing field. Why is it so bad for me to want a 2nd chance at taking her on?

[sfalexi]

This is retarded.

[blue]

kinky as all hell! Yeah i think that you guys should definatley have a rematch but please let go of your macho shit. I think its great that your girl did this and no matter what when you love someone u should support them always just as she would do for you. I would have pinned you down to. Have fun

[Joe_Watson]

Why are you so concerned about this? Just get the hell over it. Your "ego" is just your level of confidence in yourself, nothing more. If you feel confident in yourself, your ego is fine. If you are going to lose faith in yourself over something like this, maybe you've got bigger problems than you're telling us about. This is nothing. Most people in relationships have much more serious problems than a bruised ego. Let it go and move on.

[Losingit]

Why are you so concerned about this? Just get the hell over it. Your "ego" is just your level of confidence in yourself, nothing more. If you feel confident in yourself, your ego is fine. If you are going to lose faith in yourself over something like this, maybe you've got bigger problems than you're telling us about. This is nothing. Most people in relationships have much more serious problems than a bruised ego. Let it go and move on.

OK, I know most of you don't care, or think this is stupid (except at least one of you who thinks this is kinky and fun--and I agree--but it is also about giving myself a 2nd chance to at least try and have a better showing in a wrestling match against my GF; who, as i've said, made me feel as wimpy as a guy can feel when she totally destroyed me in that first wrestling match). This is what happened when we had our rematch, and i'm really glad we did--and NOT because of winning or losing:

We brought out a mat she uses to practice her
forward rolls and such (even tho' she doesn't actively
train since she stopped taking classes in college; she
uses it for yoga and stuff, too)...and we agreed to a
best 2 out of 3 pins.

It did not start well for me. She kept catching my
wrist and twisting it in a way that kept me from
getting any balance and she flipped me to the mat
twice; then when I got up she kept getting her leg
behind my knee (she told me this is called a leg
sweep) and knocked me down a few more times before
engaging me on the mat, where I thought i would have
an advantage b/c of my superior strength.But her legs are
very long and really strong and she got them wrapped
around my stomach and squeezed so hard that I lost my
breath and had to "tap out", so she won round 1 pretty
easily.

I realized if I had any chance I had to be more
aggressive so in the second round I leapt at her w/a
football like tackle and took her down and immediately
got my weight on top of her and even tho' she almost
wriggled free a few times she couldn't get her legs
free and I was able to pin her wrists down. The
effort, though, left me really winded and she didn't
show many signs of being tired, so I was not feeling
good about the "tie-breaker".

Basically, I got lucky, and she got a little
over-confident. When I tried to tackle her again,twice, she just
sidestepped and left me grasping at air....then she moved in and did that leg sweep thing again, and
each time I got up she threw me down the same way again
and it was just exhausting; it didn't hurt or anything, but the constant effort of hitting the mat and then forcing myself back up had me really laboring....but even tho' she could have gone for the pin at any of those times, instead she kind of walked around me while I
struggled to get up and said stuff like "Not bad for a
girl, huh?"--which I guess was payback for my initial
taunting of her when I discovered she took judo...but
when I finally did get up again she went for the same
move and this time I took a page from her book and
when she tried the leg sweep I let the momentum carry
through and made sure I had a tight grip on her so she
came down w/me, and even tho' she landed on top I
immemdiately rolled over so I was on top and we went
into a prolonged, really intense and kind of grunting,
arm to arm ground struggle, which i finally won in the
end, just kind of throwing all my weight onto her and
getting just enough of her to hold her down for a "3"
count.

She was actually really mad at herself that she lost,
and said she would start taking classes again to
regain her skills...meanwhile I was still on the mat,
gasping for breath, trying to enjoy my victory, but
realizing basically that she can take me,
despite the fact that she's a slender, beautiful girl
w/long blond hair who looks more like a cheerleader
than a grappler.

The point is that wrestling her again did 2 things for
me: 1) It showed me that size, strength, and
especially gender do not determine who is dominant
when one person is adequately trained in a martial
art, so I shouldn't feel emasculated that she is
capable of beating me and 2) It also gave me some
sense of atonement for my own feelings of inadequacy
b/c it did prove that I'm not the "wimp" I thought I
was...I was able to defeat her even tho' I have no
knowledge of judo...I do have athletic ability and
strength and you may not agree but as a man I want to
have these qualities...they ARE important to me.

After we both had cooled down we had a long talk and I
explained further how losing to her had made me feel,
but I also apologized for taunting her at first; I
told her how much I respect her skills, and how much I
appreciated that she gave me a 2nd chance...For her
part she thanked me for my new found understanding and
says she doesn't define me as a man based on whether I
can beat her at wrestling.

She said she took the
classes to challenge herself and to break from the
"pretty girl" stereotype she's been labelled with for
most of her life, and also to learn self defense,
which is important for women.

We really reached an understanding, and I also asked
if she wouldn't mind if I took judo classes w/her when
she starts up again. She smiled and said she'd like
that, as long as it didn't become a competition
between us, but rather a way to learn skills and enjoy
an activity together. I said "of course" and then she
said--tongue in cheek-- "Oh, and btw, you're just
lucky we didn't make this match best 3 out of 5, b/c
you were toast if we went any longer!"...I laughed and
said "Don't be a sore loser" and we left it at that.

(We also had a pretty hot love-fest that night, as I admit, I was turned on by the experience after getting over my hurt ego feelings.)

So I think maybe i've turned a corner in attitude and
in my relationship. I wanted you to know what happened
b/c I know most of you didn't approve of the rematch, but I
hope you can understand why I think it turned out to
be a good thing.

[jiminy]

with judo it doesn't matter wot gender height or weight u r because it teaches u to use the opponents weight advantage against them eg: if they are charging at u with all their strength and u grab their arm and toss them over ur hip, their weight and momentum is going to throw them over you, so basically using their weight and a little bit of timing, u r gonna make them hit the ground. That is wot she was doing with you. and because judo focuses alot of effort on throwing techniques ur choice of competition (wrestling) wasn't very wise. Although u did beat her in the end it sounded like it was down to stamina in the end.

Your g/f chose a very good form of martial arts to learn, i'll give u an example of how 1 lesson can improve ur fighting techniques quite dramatically if given direct training.

my cousin was getting bullied in school for months by two boys. One day he came home and asked his dad to teach him judo so that he could at least defend himself if any trouble arises. His dad taught judo for a living btw. His dad only managed to fit in 1 lesson b4 the bullies caught up with my cousin. My cousin was suspended for fighting after giving them both black eyes. my cousin is now the world champion in his weight division and i'm not ashamed to admit that he could kick my ass and he is much smaller, younger and lighter than me.

Anyway, the moral of my story is that u shouldn't really be ashamed of being beaten by a girl. u should be proud to have someone that has the ability to take on such a demanding style of martial arts and just support her...and don't piss her off