Am I on the back burner? HELP!! PLease

[Whatwillido]

I broke up with fiancé more than a year ago because,we were engaged for 1 year and he never wanted to make any plans to actually get married. When I brought it up he would get angry and say, he needs time. So, I ended it and moved across the country to get a fresh start. I still love him. I've tried to date but, it never works out. I either get super clingy or just don't like the guys. My ex stills he calls me at least once a week (I never call) but, never talks about getting back together. He is planning to visit me in a few months. I don't know what he wants from me. I'm scared that I will forever be on the back burner. I'm I stupid to keep waiting?

[smackie9]

Why did you have to push for marriage so damn hard? It's just a damn piece of paper. If you loved each other and things were good you should have kept you mouth shut and let him be ready to marry when he was ready.

[smackie9]

Usually when a man doesn't want to commit is because there are something that YOU need to change about yourself in order for him to want to spend the rest of his life with you....don't put all the blame on him.

[Olenjka10]

Depends what you are waiting for... You still hope he'll marry you? He would have done it already if he wanted to. Smackie9 is right that you shouldn't have pushed too hard for marriage, but i got to admit that some guys are never ready to commit. Let go of it, it will pass...as everything else does.

[Whatwillido]

Thanks for your replies. I actually didn't push. He proposed on his own and talked about future plans together. I was actually reluctant initially. I thought something was wrong when we never talked about it again. Now he says he is coming to see me and I'm not sure why. We've seen each other several times since. I don't think it's just for sex because he's traveling 3000 miles for this visit and he is a very attractive guy. I just don't know if I should continue dating or wait to see what the visit is about.

[sweetkissesforu]

Usually when a man doesn't want to commit is because there are something that YOU need to change about yourself in order for him to want to spend the rest of his life with you....don't put all the blame on him.

You put the blame on her so quickly it makes me wonder why do you have issues with woman in any relationship you need to communicate your needs and wants maybe this bf was a commitment phobic

[reeba]

Girls think too much. They are constantly wondering what does he mean when he does that, or when he says that, or when he doesnt do that. What is wrong with picking up a phone and directly asking him point blank? That is how you find out what he means.

How about giving him a call and say 'I want to know why you keep calling me and why you want to come here and visit. Because I am finding it very hard to start over when you are constantly contacting me, and making me hope that you still want to marry me.'

[Whatwillido]

I thought about doing what you said Reeba but, I don't want to scare him off. I was thinking just continue as I am and when he visits see what he wants.

[Olenjka10]

It actually sounds like a good idea, since guys think different than girls. I used to make this mistake over and over again and i learned it the hard way- if you want to know something about the guy-ask him directly, don't expect him to read your mind. They actually think that if you don't ask a question, then there is no question. Besides, what you got to lose? his answer will get you off the back burner, right?

[smackie9]

You put the blame on her so quickly it makes me wonder why do you have issues with woman in any relationship you need to communicate your needs and wants maybe this bf was a commitment phobic

I am a woman and I know men. I've been proposed marriage 4 times. I know what they want in a woman and what makes them commit. There are issues that are not discussed because men have trouble or have a fear of communicating honesty to a woman.

[SelflessnHumble]

I broke up with fiancé more than a year ago because,we were engaged for 1 year and he never wanted to make any plans to actually get married. When I brought it up he would get angry and say, he needs time. So, I ended it and moved across the country to get a fresh start. I still love him. I've tried to date but, it never works out. I either get super clingy or just don't like the guys. My ex stills he calls me at least once a week (I never call) but, never talks about getting back together. He is planning to visit me in a few months. I don't know what he wants from me. I'm scared that I will forever be on the back burner. I'm I stupid to keep waiting?

You've got issues with expectations and need to stop being selfish.
You dumped him because you WANT to be married and HE does not.
This means you two are not compatible with one another and you are basically FORCING him to choose.

In your perception marriage is the next logical step, right? Perhaps not to him.
It could be he doesn't have money for a ring, and would like some resolute security before taking that step.

He could have commitment issues but then again he isn't cheating, and he is only with you.
In essence you put him on the back burner as well.

He wants to visit you in a few months.
He wants sex without a commitment, and it seems you are willing to give it to him.

So, because have failed to stick to your guns: You have no rhyme or reason to complain.
because

(1) he has no incentive to propose to you and
(2) You have relinquished your self respect in exchange for frivolity.

You are foolish to keep waiting however he may have changed.
You can always give someone another chance however boundaries have to be set up.
Like SEX for example. He shouldn't just get to have you "just because" while he makes no effort to create a committed relationship with you.

Something for nothing? OR
Something for something?

[Whatwillido]

I NEVER asked him to marry me. I initially told him I was not ready for marriage. He pushed for it and made all sorts of plans with me. The plan was to travel all over for about 2-3 years, then start a family and settle in a country of my choice. We were crazy about each other and spent every single day together for nearly 3 years. 1.5 years into the relationship he bought a condo for me and I refused to move in because, I was not ready to commit. So... how is it that I was forcing him to do something he didn't want to do?

He didn't have the money for the ring that he bought for me? Not so sound smug but, money is definitely NOT an issue. He never has to work a day in his life but, choses to do so occasionally to keep from being bored.

Anyway, he called today and I didn't answer. I'm really need to move on. Since I started this post, I met 2 men. I'm going on a date with one of them on sunday and the other next week. I refuse to continue wasting my life on someone so indecisive and missing out on great people. If/when I talk to him next, I'll just ask what the purpose of the visit is and I may even ask him not to visit me at all. We don't even live on the same continent anymore. What would be the point?

[Kevz]

If he is traveling 3000 miles to see you it is obvious he wants to get back together, otherwise he would spend his money and time elsewhere. I would call and see what his intentions are (dating again/second thoughts), if he is not willing to share them, threaten to call off the visit and perhaps you will get an answer that way. We only get one life, time wasted on wondering on what ifs could be better spent elsewhere, hopefully you figure it out one way or another. Best of luck with whatever happens.

[HeartIsAching]

Several things come to mind.

You probably shouldn't have pushed so hard to get married. Marriage really only has a chance if neither of you has doubts. Trying to force the issue probably increased his doubts.

Giving an ultimatum and storming off didn't help either.

If you really love him, you'll stop trying to control him to get him to conform to your ideas of what your relationship should be. If you can't live with what the relationship IS, then get out. If you can, stick with it and see what happens.

Right now - don't sleep with him. If he does come to see you, and he wants sex, don't.

This might sound odd to you, but if he comes with a ring, turn it down. Get back together, but do you really want a guy that broke under pressure and gave you what you wanted, rather than his whole-hearted cooperation?