Setting up boundaries...

[lillyrenchalle]

Hi everyone! First time in the forum so it's great to meet you all.

Well, I've had a bit of a problem for the last year...

I had a friends with benefits situation that lasted a year and a half. We're best friends and eventually I fell for him. He told me he felt the same way but as I had just come out of a relationship he didn't think it would be a good idea to get together right away, which I agreed with (and thought so too). Anyway, a few weeks later he and I had a talk, and he told me that he didn't want to ruin our friendship, and that he wasn't sure if what he felt for me was enough to want a relationship especially if it might end our friendship.

It hurt a lot, and I still love him but we're just best friends now. Even so, we tell one another everything. We're also roommates, but we're closer now then we've ever been and we're very affectionate with one another. He's started seeing a girl from work now, and although it stings I'm going to just do my best to get over it. The problem is, he keeps wanting to talk about her to me. I'm trying to set up some boundaries here. I'm happy to talk about her if he wants to, but I'm not actively asking about her (which I did with his lst gf) and I don't want to hear about his personal intimate details with her. The less interest I show the more he seems to want to engage me in conversation about it. How do I stay supportive without having to hear all the details that I don't want to?

I guess the problem is I do still like him a lot, I still wonder if we'll get together in the future but I don't let it stop me from enjoying my life. The weird thing is, the more I pull away from him the more he seems to want to be near me.

Am I going crazy here? How do I establish boundaries while still being a supportive friend?

[Meskazc]

Well first of all, I think that you should definitely be honest with him and tell him how you feel! Even though he might have said that he doesn't want a relationship with you, he can't speak for the both of you. Let him know that you do still have feelings for him and that you're also respecting his wishes of just being best friends. Tell him how talking about his new girlfriends all the time makes you feel, and try to get him to relate by saying "How would you feel if you were me in this situation?". He seems like a good guy, so I'm sure he will understand. Just don't blow up in his face about it, be mature and have an honest, nice discussion with him so that you don't risk a fight or losing him.

If he has told you that he doesn't want a relationship, then stop being affectionate with him. You're only hurting yourself more by being hopeful. Tell him that if he doesn't want a relationship with you then you don't want to keep cuddling or kissing him or whatever being "affectionate" entails for you. Heck, it seems harsh to tell him that but you never know, he might realize that he really does like you enough to make you his girlfriend.

Just have a talk with him, tell him how you feel! I hope everything works itself out.

[reeba]

I'm sort of a stickler for the time line. For a year and a half you have been friends with benefits with a guy. In the mean time you were dating someone else, broke up with him, then decided that you had feelings for your FWB, and he says 'you just got out of a relationship, and I don't think we should get together right away' and then a couple weeks laster he says 'we can't have a true relationship because it would ruin our friendship'. Then he decides to date a girl from work and he wants to tell you everything about her. And having to listen to him go on and on about this other girl is hurting you.

So you left out a vital part of the story. So you still putting out for him, with no strings attached?

You need to wake up and smell the coffee or SOMETHING. Your roommate/best friend/former friends with benefits/crush is a jerk. What type of guy thinks effing around with his best friend is OK for the friendship, but actually trying to have a relationship with her WILL ruin the friendship. He has absolutely no respect for you. And why should he. You kept him as friends with benefits even while you were dating someone else? Move out of that apartment and go find yourself some friends that don't want to eff you. And try to have a normal relationship with a guy.

[lillyrenchalle]

I'm sort of a stickler for the time line. For a year and a half you have been friends with benefits with a guy. In the mean time you were dating someone else, broke up with him, then decided that you had feelings for your FWB, and he says 'you just got out of a relationship, and I don't think we should get together right away' and then a couple weeks laster he says 'we can't have a true relationship because it would ruin our friendship'. Then he decides to date a girl from work and he wants to tell you everything about her. And having to listen to him go on and on about this other girl is hurting you.

So you left out a vital part of the story. So you still putting out for him, with no strings attached?

You need to wake up and smell the coffee or SOMETHING. Your roommate/best friend/former friends with benefits/crush is a jerk. What type of guy thinks effing around with his best friend is OK for the friendship, but actually trying to have a relationship with her WILL ruin the friendship. He has absolutely no respect for you. And why should he. You kept him as friends with benefits even while you were dating someone else? Move out of that apartment and go find yourself some friends that don't want to eff you. And try to have a normal relationship with a guy.

I should have been more specific with the time line. We haven't slept together (or anything similar) for 7 months. We decided to stop that for the sake of our friendship. What I find confusing is that he still is very affectionate with me, tells me everything etc. It's hard to hear about his girlfriend from him, but the more I pull away the closer he wants to be. I'm happy to try and get over him, it's taking a while though. I just want to find a balance so that I can still be a supportive friend but not have to listen to all the intimate details of his new relationship.

Also, my ex and I had a nopen relationship, which is how I started sleeping with my best friend in the first place. As I said, all the sex is behind us but I find it confusing that he wants to be so close and open with me.

[SelflessnHumble]

I just want to find a balance so that I can still be a supportive friend but not have to listen to all the intimate details of his new relationship.

This will not happen until YOU choose to stop loving him and START treating him like a friend.
He could use it against you if you stop seemingly being close as you once were.

You put your foot down, sit him down and tell him:
I do not want to hear about your intimacy with other women.
(this tells me you don't want to hear it because you still love him) a red flag for a "platonic friendship."

The smartest thing to do is to NOT room with him anymore which sets up
boundaries and distance all in one shot. You cannot pick and choose how
things will be between two people -ever.

You will never know his true intentions but his actions reveal most of them.

How can you expect to move on when you still have love and feelings for him? (you can't)
Would it be fair for you to begin a new relationship while you still harbor these hidden feelings? (No.)

Do the right thing OR continue to wonder why he acts "close" with you.
A man can (via convenience) act "close to you" because he wouldn't mind hitting it with no strings attached.

A real man sees the value in a woman and commits to a relationship based on patience, love and understanding.
He doesn't unconditionally love you.

[RockNRoll]

For future: it looks like "open relationship" and FWB don't work for you, so next time look for commitment first, because you need and deserve it.

Have a direct talk with him.
You need to have "all or nothing" to set boundaries, but he doesn't want to be a couple and you feel romantically about him, so you need to move on. If possible, find another place for you to live. You need space to sort your feelings out, because this situation stops you from finding a proper relationship.