I have been seeing this guy going on 7 months. As serious as were have been, we have not put a title on wht we have (more so his doing than mine. I was in agreeance at first but have since been ready to move forward and put a title on us) I have a toddler child and he and infant child (we began seeing each other 2 months before the child was born, he and the mother were not together).
When we first began seeing each other we were together ALL the time. So much so, that for about 2 months he was practically living with me (stayed with me EVERY NIGHT and has a key) we always disussed taking things slow (hence not putting a title) but our actions NEVER displayed such.
He says he's not ready for a relationship, even though from the outside looking in, hell, the inside looking its a relationship, because when we met he was recently out of long-term relationship, has this new baby and other situations he says he wishes to take care of before hand.
We have fallen in love with each other (i dont doubt that he loves me for one second) but my dilemma is I am tired of hearing the same excuses for not wanting to move forward with us. Its was the same excuse 3 months in and now at 7 months, I just think there should be some progression. I am looking to get married (he would like to be one day as well) and while I'm not saying marry me tomorrow, I need to know I'm not wasting my time, or being stuck on stupid.
In the meanwhile. I have a college ex who has been in love with me since day one and on after since our break-up 6 years ago(we were college lovers) I know that he would treat me right and is NOW ready for all the things I want to progress towards. I have a wishbone where my backbone should be becuase instead of "putting my foot down" in this 7 month relationship, i'm still wishing and living on the hope that "tomorrow" he'll think differently.
UGH!
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02-01-11, 09:38 AM #1
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Wishbone where my backbone should be.
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02-01-11, 09:54 AM #2
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Why are both of you single parents?
Originally Posted by Duress59
Are you two having unprotected sex?
What are your birth control options (if any?)
Is it correct that you are having sex with this man, giving up the greatest gift he'll ever receive from you
while there aren't any solidified commitments made on his behalf? if so? (Red Flag)
Why are you being so selfish? All I see from you is complaining about why he won't take the next step... Originally Posted by Duress59
You don't have a title because he doesn't want to give you one.
His thoughts and even his words do NOT mean anything: his actions or more to the point: his inaction DOES.
Don't you understand the fact he just wants to hit it without any strings attached?
Then when something happens he can say, "I never committed myself to being with you did I?"
Your priorities are all out of whack here. Originally Posted by Duress59
Priority #1 (despite what you feel) isn't YOU. It is your baby.
This means making wise decisions based on good judgments. (I don't see you doing either)
You owe it to your child to give em Security and Stability...
Stop wishing on a dried up turkey bone and START doing the right thing.
Don't be all mad, don't have all of these expectations of people...
Simply look this man in the eye and tell him you want him to affirm his love for you.
If he looks like a deer in headlights? He is NOT ready for that and you need to tell him to leave.
Then once your feelings are gone for this man: THEN you can
go with the other guy unless you just brought him up because he adores you?
Here is a protip: What you don't do is argue, yell or fight...Here is why:
As a woman you need be calm, cool and collected so that you can see how he treats you
when you aren't upset. Men mistake a silent woman as a docile woman...
If you calmly voice your dissatisfaction with him (in which you have every right to feel)
he will show you his true colors -whatever they may be. If you act belligerent you kill the initiative: getting a commitment from this man.Last edited by SelflessnHumble; 02-01-11 at 09:59 AM.
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02-01-11, 10:14 AM #3
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We are both single parents from previous long-term relationships...Not quite sure what that has to do with anything.
We are NOT having sex, let alone unprotected. We have engaged in the activity before but talked about it and mutually agreed to wait on that.
I am not complaining of him not putting a title on us. I think all of your comments (until the end), though valid points did not quite apply to my reasoning for writing this post. Hit it with no strings attached....NOT OVER HERE! I know I should move on, yet things are easier said than done. Hence how do I lose the wishbone and find my backbone.
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02-01-11, 10:43 AM #4
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It has a lot to do with it. Originally Posted by Duress59
It took two to make a baby, yet only ONE remains.
Making a baby without a solid relationship is just a recipe for disaster and disappointment.
What it has to do with is you aren't good at picking mates.
Don't take offense to what I'm saying because I don't have any personal stake in what you choose to do.
I am very concerned about your child who doesn't have an active (biological) father in her life.
So you admit you have had sex but stopped? Originally Posted by Duress59
When was the last time?
My whole point is that you HAD sex with a single father without a strong commitment.
Why don't you see how this is relevant?
(1) Is it possible to answer someone without resorting to getting defensive? Originally Posted by Duress59
-I merely asked you questions, I didn't judge you so why take it that way?
(2) You are not complaining of him putting a title on your relationship, really???
[url=http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/complain]Complain | Define Complain at Dictionary.com[/url] It sure sounds like it to me.
- I've been in relationships in which I've either avoided commitment or didn't get one.
-I know how it feels and what it sounds like.
I think it's good of you to save yourself for someone who offers you affirmation of their love
not just with words and empty promises but with actions.
He has already told you that he "has this new baby and other situations he says he wishes to take care of before hand."
You have to either respect it or move on.
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02-01-11, 03:52 PM #5
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Well if a guy cannot or won't commit, he isn't madly in love with you to do so. You may "feel" he could be in love with you, but that is only an observation. He could just be enjoying your company like a security blanket. You are wasting your time with him, if you want this to progress to the level you expect.
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02-01-11, 04:55 PM #6
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Ahh, the old "I KNOW he loves me."
Do you? Really? How? Because he gives you attention, says sweet things to you, praises you, buys you gifts, kisses you gently?? What exactly makes you so sure? Because I can easily do all of those things, and more, for someone I barely like. It's really easy, assuming I'm getting something in exchange (doesn't even have to be sex. Emotional support, feeling wanted/needed, etc.)
You should be careful with that.
