Is he being genuine or is he playing mind games with me?

[sleep.less]

[I know it's too long..... but had to vent it.... SORRY!]

Ours - a seemingly perfect & very loving relationship of 5 years - ended abruptly this Nov. Although it was never easy from the beginning (with he being a foreign national and of diff religious - cultural background) but we were very hopeful. We struggled a lot to convince our families and get everyone on board.... and in fact we were almost there, when the entire thing collapsed. I am told his step-father stopped speaking to his mother & pressurised him into giving up. In our last 2 months together, he started distancing himself from me, though the warmth and affection didn't change. I could sense something was amiss, but he never disclosed a thing to me. Finally in Nov. there was almost no communication between us (he stopped communicating), except a few calls he made to my mother. He cried a lot in front of her but never revealed much.

Tired, confused and terribly frustrated, I called up his uncle to tell me about what was bothering my ex. He replied back telling me of the prevalent situation in his family, and that his father had already arranged a match for him! It really caused me much trauma, but I asked him to convey my ex's mother that they can take a wise decision for themselves, and do whatever looks best to them! The next thing I was communicated by his uncle was, my ex was getting married shortly. I was very upset but didnt give up. I tried to communicate with my ex but he never said much, except that he lost everything he had. And didnt have the courage to face me, and at the same time was not even ready believe it was over. He said, he loved me.... but he couldn't see any miracles happening for us, ATLEAST FOR NOW! (NOW? What does that mean, that I wait for him & things to get better eventually?)

But the worst was yet to come, 2 days after my ex's last mail to me, I received a mail from his uncle, telling me, that my ex got married and his wife had checked his mailbox and read the mail I had sent to him!!! That it was not right for me to write in the current situation!!! I just couldn't feel anything.... I went numb! All these while, none of them, my ex or his family, mention that my ex was married now! My ex didnt utter it once, not even in his last mails to me.... I just could not fathom why would he do that? Why did he hide such a big event from me? And how on earth, does it help him? Suddenly, I felt may be he was lying all along.... that all these 5 years of intense love and crazy dramatic struggle were a big lie.......

Honestly, I felt like I was stabbed in my back. They wronged me, they all ganged up behind me back and prepared for his wedding (whether my ex was a willing party to it or not is another matter!) behind my back, and then they didnt even tell me that!!!! In fact if we believe his uncle, the last mail where my ex claimed his love for me was apparently after his wedding!!!! It really made me cringe. It was humiliating, I almost died!!! I was miserable the entire december.... I could feel I was dying.... I couldnt even cry.... I was so numb with this betrayal..... My family had to run around and approach Docs to see me live through this.... and I felt bad, that my family was also getting affected..... they were suffering for apparently no fault of theirs...... I had lost my zest to life, but I realised I had no right to disturb my parents for the wrongs of someone else.... who probably never cared enough for me..... finally I had to decide.... It took me lot of courage but I finally decided to push myself back to life..... I was weak but I decided to now accept the situation.... accept the fact that probably my ex never loved me enough..... and I decided it was time that I bury this hurt forever.....

.... but probably it seems it's not going to be that easy.... since 3 days back on the new year's, I opened my mailbox to see a mail from him! He's not wished me new years, and nothing of sorts..... but he's uttered some very sweet nothings and has claimed he loves me.... and he will always be right here..... I dont know why but reading it didnt stir any emotion in me.... not love, not anger, not hatred, nothing! Probably because I know the way I selflessly loved him, and the way things ended and his involvement in it, it really killed me! He humiliated my love for him by doing things behind my back....... and now I dont know what he's trying to acheive by doing all of these..... (though I really dont know if he's married! My ex's uncle is one person I dont trust and he always gave me strange vibes.... I felt he had a 'thing' for me and was not too happy to see us together....!!! I have a strong feeling that he's been very instrumental in our separation.... in fact, he constantly kept talking -ve about my ex.... and was trying to give me a shoulder to lean on.... )

.....I am tired with the mess but equally confused. Why is he just not letting me be? Letting me move on? If he's already married, then ours is a closed chapter for me! And now I dont know if he's being genuine, or if he's playing mind games with me..... Is it that he's feeling guilty and is just trying to lessen my pain and his guilt by showing he cared? Or he's suffering too? In my last mail to him I had said, I would have really loved it, if he had told me things upfront. I would have consoled myself that we loved & we lost, but we loved! That his honest admission could have atleast allowed us to end things on a painful but positive note..... So is he trying to amend the end in context of my comment?? I am confused and disillusioned.... He was always very loving and gentle towards me, but now I feel I dont know him at all.... Would really appreciate if any of you can share your experience and give me some insight in to the biggest mystery of my life....

[searching.wind]

girl, i feel bad for your plight. here's my opinion. i admire your courage to love, and maybe hate. i do not understand how deep both of you are in love. but i know that if he really loved you to the extent you love him, he wouldn't have gone ahead with the marriage. if he really loved you, instead of keeping you tied down after his own marriage, he would have let you go, to pursue your own happiness. the fact that he shuttles between 2 women says something about him: he's not trustworthy or dependable at all. sure, he was gentle and loving previously, but if that side of him before you was true, he wouldn't have kept you in the dark about everything. where is the trust in the love? he doesn't seem to treat you as someone important, he is selfish, only to keep you by his side when he needs you. you have 2 options: 1.live his lie if you can take it, but you will never be given a proper status and might even have to live with others' looks and ugly thoughts. 2. forget about him, everything about him and his family. erase him from you life. you have to have a lot of courage to move on, and then go on to lead your own life, not by anyone. I believe you will make the right choice. sorry if all this seemed harsh to you. you might not be able to take all of this at one shot. and the ultimate choice is up to you. take care!

[sleep.less]

I completely agree with everything you have said Winds.... I completely understand that everything you have said here is definitely for my own good, and I really appreciate that! Itake it absolutely in the right spirit.... infact I am thankful to you for sharing your wisdom and concern with me!

....And you know I am not miserable because he left, but I am miserable because he lied! The worst is, he's still not admitting it to me that he's married (though I dont know if he really is! I tried contacting his best friend who was very warm to me, but he chose not to reply!)

And trust me, whether my ex's married or not, it's a closed chapter for me now! He betrayed my trust, afterall! In fact.... I haven't replied to his mail, and I am not replying back to him ever! He's lost his chance already, and now no amount of remorse can change anything about us now! Our fate's sealed now! And forget all of it, it isn't about him anymore, it is all about me now..... first of all my values and morals dont allow me to ruin life of an innocent person involved (his wife) and above all what matters most to me is my integrity and my self respect.... which is absolutely my prerogative....

As for why am I analysing things, if anyway I have chosen to forget things, is I am hurt very deep in there! I feel I lack the ability to judge between right & wrong.... I only want to know if I was with the wrong person? And if yes, then why couldn't I see things with a clear mind, not even once in these 5 years..... Also, please tell me is he playing mind games with me? I can't understand why is he subjecting me to such cruelty!