3 questions, Same Situation

[seganomics]

So I have three questions all tied to the same situation. I’ll start with the questions, and then provide the scenario.

1. Is this normal nice guy behavior or possible ‘into you’ behaviors?
2. After a break-up when is it appropriate to express to a friend you’ve had feelings for them so they know (and ultimately you know) that it isn’t a rebound?
3. What is the etiquette for dating the friend of an ex?

So first there’s this guy I’ve known for about a year, and in my opinion he’s a really nice guy. He’s done a lot of thoughtful things for me and those around him since I’ve known him. At first I thought he was into me but I’ve kind of had some toxic people in my life so what I consider over the top nice behavior could possibly be just ‘not a bastard’ behavior. Here is a short list of what I’m talking about…
* Buys me little gifts on random occasions
* Watched my pet for five days when my boyfriend (now ex) would not
* Provided a three course home cooked meal
* Visited me at work on my birthday with neatly wrapped presents
* Made me a mixed CD when I complained about my ex not making one

Part two because he’s done so many nice things for me since I’ve known him, I’ve always had feelings for him even when I was with my ex. My ex and I were together for a year and a half, and he called it off over a misunderstanding (totally unrelated to any of this) and has taken to sleeping with his ex girlfriend ever since. Understandably it was a tough break up. It’s been about two months. I think I’m ready to start dating again but I want to make sure I’m not just in it for a rebound. More importantly I have no desire to use this friend as a rebound. I don’t know that I want to date yet, but I feel deceiving by not telling this friend how I feel about him.

And last he’s my friend, but more accurately he is a friend of my ex. Now normally I’m much more caviler when it comes to these issues knowing that dating friends usually is off limits. However the actions my ex took during and after the break up has dissolved my respect for him. Reconciling on any level does not seem possible at this point and as he has had no regard for my feelings I certainly will not extend the same courtesy at the cost of having a healthy relationship with a person I deserve and will respect me. I have no desire to end their friendship and if my ex were to place that ultimatum that would be between him and his friend and whatever happens, well happens.

So that’s my scenario any and all advice is welcome. Thanks.

[devonbrown]

1. Is this normal nice guy behavior or possible ‘into you’ behaviors?
2. After a break-up when is it appropriate to express to a friend you’ve had feelings for them so they know (and ultimately you know) that it isn’t a rebound?
3. What is the etiquette for dating the friend of an ex?

To answer your questions, from a male perspective:
1) These are DEFINITE "into you" behaviors. Especially the mixtape, dinner, birthday presents at work, other gifts... oh, heck, they all are "into you" behaviors.
2) The thought about the rebound will be determined by how much he believes you. He already has feelings for you, and since you didn't tell him to stop his behaviors, he probably has an idea already about your feelings for him. Just be honest with him and explain you want to make sure he isn't a rebound.
3) There really isn't any. You are right when you think that friends of bfs are off-limits, but this is a different situation. He obviously didn't mind when he was doing those behaviors and you were dating his friend, so he shouldn't have any problems with dating you now.

Good luck!

[seganomics]

Am I suppose to let me ex know my intentions and feelings for his friend?

We are not on speaking terms, and I'm not asking his permission but I guess if the situation was reversed I'd appreciate knowing an ex was planning on pursuing a friend so it doesn't catch me by surprise.

[reeba]

You don't have to tell your ex anything, unless you have remained friends with him. Who does need to talk to your ex, is his friend (the guy who has been flirting with you). If he has any intentions of remaining friends, he needs to tell him - in a wierd way basically ask his permission.

If he has any common sense with guy ettiquette he has done this already. But he was doing all of this gift giving/attention while you were dating his friend? Then I'm going to guess they aren't that great of friends to begin with, and he has tossed the guy ettiquette to the wind.

Also, only you will know when it is time to date someone else. There is no set time limit. Some people move on faster than others. Also it depends on the situation of what the break up was over and how long you dated. Some breakups are so bad that people never totally get over it. But this usually involves cheating, children, drugs, and other huge issues.

[devonbrown]

reeba is spot on the money with this. You don't owe your ex anything at this point. If you were still friends with him, maybe. But if you aren't on speaking terms, then there is no need to tell him anything. If anything, it could only hurt his friendship with the other guy.

The ex is gone. He doesn't matter to this scenario any longer.