the wandering eye

[mel2208]

hi guys, just thought id come on here and ask for some advice. My bf of nearly 2 years has a wandering eye. Its starting to really grate on me. i feel he is pushing me away because of this problem. we could be walking around the mall and he would at least check about 3 to 4 women out. when i try talk to him he denies it everytime. i tell him i wish he would own up to it because i see for myself that he DOES do it!! Ive tried talking to him on many occasions and i have told him it does upset me. Ive even said if he wants look do it when im not there, I just feel he is disrespecting me!! im not ugly and he notices men looking at me and he will say "what a perv"... but isnt that what he is doing??? i dearly love this guy and i know he loves me. its just it hurts me when he does this. Can he not help it? i really dont know what to do. I dont want this to become a big problem. How do i deal with it? he never looked at 1 woman for first 6 months when we met!! but since he went away with work a year ago it seems to have gotten bad. please give me some advice..would be really appreciated xx

[Raze]

Ive tried talking to him on many occasions and i have told him it does upset me. Ive even said if he wants look do it when im not there, I just feel he is disrespecting me!! im not ugly and he notices men looking at me and he will say "what a perv"... but isnt that what he is doing??? i dearly love this guy and i know he loves me. its just it hurts me when he does this.

I think you are both insecure about your relationship. You get jealous when he checks out other women and he gets upset when other guys check you out. You guys seem to be both insecure in your relationship, which means that you aren't in a good relationship or perhaps you thought you were both ready for a relationship when you clearly both are not.

Your relationship isn't working out. You don't have trust. How can you have a relationship without trust?

Oh, and either he is going to cheat on you or you're going to cheat on him due to this insecurity. I'd say end the relationship before this happens.

[VincenzoG91]

I agree with Raze. Also, it sounds like both of you might be control freaks. You want to control his eye movements, and he wants to control the eye movements of other men. On top of all of this, he is a hypocrite.

[SelflessnHumble]

hi guys, just thought id come on here and ask for some advice. My bf of nearly 2 years has a wandering eye. Its starting to really grate on me. i feel he is pushing me away because of this problem. we could be walking around the mall and he would at least check about 3 to 4 women out. when i try talk to him he denies it everytime. i tell him i wish he would own up to it because i see for myself that he DOES do it!! Ive tried talking to him on many occasions and i have told him it does upset me. Ive even said if he wants look do it when im not there, I just feel he is disrespecting me!! im not ugly and he notices men looking at me and he will say "what a perv"... but isnt that what he is doing??? i dearly love this guy and i know he loves me. its just it hurts me when he does this. Can he not help it? i really dont know what to do. I dont want this to become a big problem. How do i deal with it? he never looked at 1 woman for first 6 months when we met!! but since he went away with work a year ago it seems to have gotten bad. please give me some advice..would be really appreciated xx

Mel, this issue is so common yet the vast majority of women handle it in the very same
repetitive manner-appeasing his behavior via your tacit agreement of his wandering eye...due to your inaction.

I won't generate excuses for his behavior because it is disrespectful at face value...however
consider the fact you haven't sat him down and discussed this at the right time and place (in private at home)

Now, his denial is equally as revealing as your stance on the matter.
I feel you have the right to feel as you do: insecure because he looks at attractive women right in front of you...

However he doesn't care enough about your feelings on the matter to alter his actions...to please your concerns...
See, I've had a wandering eye before: and it was because I just loved looking at beautiful women (plural)
and even if I had a GF I would (like a coward) make up some excuse like, "Do you see what she is wearing?"
Or something to that affect to warrant my checking out other girls...

You aren't a match for one another period.
This is a double edged sword I'm afraid you aren't capable of handling and you don't feel like you should...

The 1st 6 months your relationship was fresh, brand new and you were the most beautiful girl to him...
If he is always looking outside the relationship then it is obvious he already "has" you, and he doesn't need
to put in that kind of effort since you've killed the initiative by giving him everything that he wanted from you. (A costly mistake)

You cannot change who people are and what they do...
Some men and women will say, "I look but I don't touch" while others find this sort of constant
gawking offensive...Without knowing his background and how he was before you got together
coupled to the fact how long it took for you two to date/have sex it is almost impossible to know
why he is constantly looking at other girls...The most common answer I've found from both
observation and personal experience combined: He isn't satisfied with your relationship and needs outside stimuli.

You don't have to be ugly to have your man look at another woman.
Another girl may seem much more appetizing because she isn't his.
Truth be told attractive people are nice to look at. The human body is very attractive.

I've looked at beautiful women just as they've looked at me.
The important thing to remember is looking is one thing; Staring (like a perv) means
there are underlying psychological issues you aren't aware about.

If I were you I'd ask to see his porn collection.

Anyway...The solution:
Sit him down and talk to him face to face.
If he refuses to address your concerns then it is obvious he'd rather plead the 5th
then to resolve your conflict: which means he isn't good enough for you nor does he truly care for you.

Consider the fact it sounds pretty childish and immature to single out
him looking at other women IF he is your love, that he is faithful and comes home to you every night.

If this is a deal breaker then the solution is evident:
You need to let him go so that he can find a women who allows him to look
at other girls as long as he doesn't touch them.

[smackie9]

There is this thing called the honeymoon stage. It lasts for 6 months to about a year and a half. So up until 6 months he didn't have a wondering eye you say? He is no longer into you as he was before hun. The relationship has pretty much expired if he has to be visually stimulated by other women. If he was madly in love with you, those women wouldn't even exist to him. He's just coasting til you finally kick him to the curb.

[HeartIsAching]

You're both insecure. Insecurity breeds jealousy. If you were secure, you'd take it in stride.

I was on the phone the other day with my sweetie while at a grocery store where I'm well-known. At the register, the pretty young lady whose name escapes me flirted with me. Now, I was on an earpiece, so it wasn't obvious I was on the phone, and my sweetie and I both like to stop talking and pay attention to the cashier, so she really didn't know I was on the phone... Anyhow, she heard me get flirted at by the cashier.

Know what she did when I walked away from the register? She laughed. Long and hard... and said "I love that! I love that you get flirted at when I'm not around. My guy is hot enough to get flirted with."

Then she asked me how old she was, and I guessed "Mid 20's or so"... about 15 years younger than me. She liked that too. Wanna know why?

Because she's not insecure. She KNOWS that she turns me on, she KNOWS that I love her, she KNOWS that I'm not going to stray. She's ok with it, because it's a harmless ego boost for me AND for her.

[doppelgaenger]

It really irritates me when a woman is so insecure, that she expects my attraction to her and feelings for her to completely eclipse my peripheral vision, as if by some force of nature, my body should lock into some kind of romance mode. Of course the natural response to "Are you looking at that girl over there?" is no! Why would we ever admit to this if we know it bothers you? My ex loved to interrogate me, even if I was being sweet and innocent; "Are you checking that girl out over there? Mmm, she has really nice tits and a perfect round ass. I bet you want to fück her, don't you?" <silence> "Yeah, you do, don't you? So go fück her then you pig." Eventually I stopped caring and just went along with it, even if I really wasn't checking out the girl. And then we broke up!!

Eventually, if you don't do something about them, your viral insecurities will eat you alive. And then you will start wondering if he is cheating on you, which will introduce all kinds of psychotic, obsessive behaviors to your every day life.

[Sonrisa]

It really irritates me when a woman is so insecure, that she expects my attraction to her and feelings for her to completely eclipse my peripheral vision, as if by some force of nature, my body should lock into some kind of romance mode. Of course the natural response to "Are you looking at that girl over there?" is no! Why would we ever admit to this if we know it bothers you? My ex loved to interrogate me, even if I was being sweet and innocent; "Are you checking that girl out over there? Mmm, she has really nice tits and a perfect round ass. I bet you want to fück her, don't you?" <silence> "Yeah, you do, don't you? So go fück her then you pig." Eventually I stopped caring and just went along with it, even if I really wasn't checking out the girl. And then we broke up!!

Eventually, if you don't do something about them, your viral insecurities will eat you alive. And then you will start wondering if he is cheating on you, which will introduce all kinds of psychotic, obsessive behaviors to your every day life.

yeah, I feel bad for girls that voice their concerns. of course he is going to check out other women. of course he wants to bang them. same goes for girls. we check out guys cuz we all want the same thing.

[doppelgaenger]

yeah, I feel bad for girls that voice their concerns. of course he is going to check out other women. of course he wants to bang them. same goes for girls. we check out guys cuz we all want the same thing.

You know what? I would rather a girl voice her concerns than go hostile and confront me every time she's pissed because she thinks I might be checking out some girl. The magical rule about this kind of stuff... it's like when you're at a museum; you may look and appreciate, but do not touch.

[mel2208]

thankyou guys for all ya honest advice!!

I know im not insecure, i do trust him that he wont cheat. Im just saying it hurt my feelings when he did it whilst im around. At the end of the day he knows im totally honest with him and i will talk about issues if they do come up. Dont think there is anything wrong with that. Ive spoken to him about the above problem a few times now. I just wanted to get a few males point of view on the matter. You have made things a lot clearer for me. thanks. I know that if someone does make u feel and dont wanna listen to how your feeling them im sure its time to let go.

[Raze]

Hun, you can't bs a bser. You are phishing for someone to tell you that you are right and he is wrong, and no one here is going to do that. You are both insecure. He is allowed to check out other girls and you are allowed to be checked out by guys. There is no magic relationship rule that says you cannot look. Why don't you poke his eyes out so he can't check out girls? Hmmmmm? Maybe then you won't be so insecure.

You sound to me (based on your posts) like a typical insecure girl who lives in a fantasy world where she is the princess and everything you do is correct and everyone else is wrong. You need to work on improving yourself and you shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place. Also, he sounds like an immature/insecure douche.

[mel2208]

of course i check out other guys!!!!!what girl doesnt!! i just think its a tad disrespectful doing it in front of my partner!! i know he checks out other girls obviously. he could be a little more discreet!! he can look at has many women has he wants when im not around. its just the whole respect whilst your out with your partner thing. that is all i was saying!!
oh... and yeah i may want to be treated like a princess. Whats wrong with that? i just know what i want and how i want to be treated.

[vashti]

of course i check out other guys!!!!!what girl doesnt!! i just think its a tad disrespectful doing it in front of my partner!! i know he checks out other girls obviously. he could be a little more discreet!! he can look at has many women has he wants when im not around. its just the whole respect whilst your out with your partner thing. that is all i was saying!!
oh... and yeah i may want to be treated like a princess. Whats wrong with that? i just know what i want and how i want to be treated.

I am going to disagree with the consensus, because i have a feeling you are talking about blatant gawking, rather than him simply noticing another girl in your presence.

Not all men behave so boorishly. Why don't you find one that has more tact? Men who behave this way NEVER stop doing it, and you are right to be annoyed if he is gawking. It's obnoxious and embarrassing that he has so little control over his behavior.

And don't worry, this isn't about you lacking in anything... it's about him lacking class.

[Raze]

Okay, so you check out other guys and he's not allowed to check out other girls in front of you? He's not your slave, princess.


You're not going to be treated like a princess, Mel. Stop living in this rediculous fantasy of yours. Oh, and you might want to stop watching Disney movies. You seem to take those movies way too seriously.

[Raze]

Not all men behave so boorishly. Why don't you find one that has more tact? Men who behave this way NEVER stop doing it, and you are right to be annoyed if he is gawking. It's obnoxious and embarrassing that he has so little control over his behavior.

It's not a crime to look at other girls even if he is gawking at them. I agree that ending the relationship would be a good idea, but not just because of him acting boorishly. She needs to end it and work on yourself and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her and needs to be more secure about herself.