No sex for you (me.)

[Gratedwasabi]

Woman I'm dating texted me to come meet her for sushi between her class and yoga, so I did. It was nice. However, I'm starting to get really curious what her deal is with sex. I think there's something odd going on in that department. She's a bit weird about flirty jokes and such and went for just a hug after I walked her to her car (although I expected to kiss her, paused, and we ended up kissing a bit.. which she seemed into but she had to go or she'd miss her class.. ie I kissed her once and then pulled her against me and kissed her and when I thought she was trying to get me to stop she was just tilting her head the other way and kissed me. Then before she left she gave me another kiss.)

Then, on the advice of hormones, I decided to text her that she could always cap off her yoga with a martini and she shot me down. I quickly backtracked and apologized and told her that I really appreciated her making time for me for sushi and I enjoyed seeing her. She also mentioned tonight that even just a couple sips of her martini last time got her a little buzzed and now I'm wondering if the chemistry we had last time while kissing was just alcohol for her.

From the standpoint of someone who's almost always gotten sex on the first or second date, I'm confused. It SEEMS like she's attracted to me and there's chemistry. But no progression. Even if not sex, our most intimate moment was like a minute or two of pretty tame kissing.

What do you all make of this? We've already talked a lot and know each other well, so it's not like we're still trying to gleam each other's personalities. I don't understand why we wouldn't be more intimate.

So confused..

[Take2]

Have y'all talked about this relationship at all? Are you exclusive? How many times have you been out now? Is she looking for a serious relationship? Are you?

What happens when you are alone? She is aloof physically? She pulls away when you try to get intimate? That might be a good moment to tell her you respect her and don't want to pressure her, ak if she has felt pressured or if you've hurt her feelings. That at least opens the door for her to tell you what her reasons are for the slow physical progression.

[Gratedwasabi]

Have y'all talked about this relationship at all? Are you exclusive? How many times have you been out now? Is she looking for a serious relationship? Are you?

What happens when you are alone? She is aloof physically? She pulls away when you try to get intimate? That might be a good moment to tell her you respect her and don't want to pressure her, ak if she has felt pressured or if you've hurt her feelings. That at least opens the door for her to taell you what her reasons are for the slow physical progression.

No, we haven't talked about it. We've been out 5 times now and talked a good bit in between. I am looking for a serious relationship, or at least a monogamous one, I don't know about her. If we don't progress intimately on the next date I'll ask her about it.

She's quite aloof physically. On our fourth date she brought a movie to my place so I kinda thought things would get intimate, but when I put my arm around her she commented "Smooth" jokingly, but it kind of made me feel like I shouldn't progress further. The times I've kissed her I've NOT been getting a strong signal that I should but she has responded very actively. So it's confusing!! After we left sushi and I walked her to her car, she went in for a hug, I kind of half hugged her and looked at her, then kissed her. And she laughed and asked what that look was and I said something like "I was wondering why I wasn't going to get a kiss!" And then we kissed again, she actively kissed me back, half-heartedly pulled away to tell me she had to go and I pulled her back and kissed her again. Then she kinda playfully shoved me away and said she had to go, gave me a quick kiss, and went to her car.

So.. I don't know. I'm just confused! She hasn't really given me any indication she wants to be more intimate but everytime I go there she's into it. I know tonight she was just busy and didn't have time, so we'll see what happens assuming I get to see her the night before her day off or her day off.

It's frustrating because, for me, the chemistry is awesome and I'm concerned it's not for her.. although I'm quite confident my kissing skills are A+.

[vashti]

She probably has a very low libido.

[Gratedwasabi]

She probably has a very low libido.

I knew she was too good to be true. ...hahaha.

[vashti]

How old is she? And do you know if she is on the birth control pill, or any other medication?

[Gratedwasabi]

How old is she? And do you know if she is on the birth control pill, or any other medication?

She's 25. I don't know about birth control, she's not on anything else though.

Hopefully I'm (as usual) making a big deal out of nothing. Hopefully I'll get to spend some time with her in a few days where I'm not on the clock (ie she doesn't need to be somewhere else at ___.) And see what happens. I'll probably kick up the aggressiveness and if she doesn't respond, or responds negatively, I'll ask her if I'm being too forward and try to glean some info.

[vashti]

Eh, she's a little on the young side to have much of a sex drive, especially if she is on the pill. Women reach their peak interest in their 30s. You may have to trade a strong sex drive for youth and beauty.

[Gratedwasabi]

Eh, she's a little on the young side to have much of a sex drive, especially if she is on the pill. Women reach their peak interest in their 30s. You may have to trade a strong sex drive for youth and beauty.

It's not even so much about sex, it's about intimacy. Like physical contact, being able to be close without worrying if I'm pissing her off, etc. Sex is fine and dandy but, in a sad twist of fate as I've yet to reach the peak of my game, cuddling and kissing holds more sway with me now.

I'm just worried that, despite the kissing, I'm slipping from "love interest" to "date-night interest." I was doing really well 3rd date, still seemed decent 4th, and now I feel like I'm dropping.

[vashti]

Maybe you should increase her competition.

[Gratedwasabi]

Maybe you should increase her competition.

Nah.. even if she has no sex drive, I enjoy her tremendously. I'd rather put my effort into this and then bang through some skanky ladies if it doesn't work out.

[vertical_sky]

She might just be really expecting you to make the moves. I think a lot of girls enjoy sex, but suffer from a serious guilt complex about it... they're supposed to be "good girls," and if they like sex or initiate it they are whores or sluts or too aggressive or any of the other bullshit things sexual stereotypes have taught women.

The fact that she responds avidly when YOU break the wall makes me think she's hanging out waiting for you to be if not super aggressive, then at least a little forceful. Of course, this isn't fair to you because you're a good guy and respecting what you perceive to be her boundaries. Plus, at 25, she should have her own sexual preferences at least SOMEWHAT figured out.

What you might want to do is have a frank discussion with her about what her views on intimacy, boundaries and physical contact. It doesn't have to be a "So when are we gonna do it?" but ask her what her preferences are, how she enjoys showing affection, etc. I'm a big fan of laying it all out on the table, but you can gently nudge into her mind space with some generic questions like "What are you into" and "What are ya like." I think you've gotten far enough along in the dating spectrum to warrant that conversation.

[vashti]

She must be pretty awesome... I hope you can keep your own sex drive under control for the long run... I mean, I don't really have an issue with her not having sex with you yet, but the lack of affection..... well, I just can't relate. I hope she's worth it all.

[Gratedwasabi]

She must be pretty awesome... I hope you can keep your own sex drive under control for the long run... I mean, I don't really have an issue with her not having sex with you yet, but the lack of affection..... well, I just can't relate. I hope she's worth it all.

The kissing we have done has been ****ing fantastic. She's a terrific kisser and wickedly attractive, although I did realize today she's in slightly less fantastic shape then I had thought. But face is worth 9 out of 10 points for me and she gets all 9, I only require 7 for dating.

Sex I can live without, affection I can only live without for so long.

The last two times we've met up have been brief and with severe time constraints (before meeting she told me she had to go by ___ and asked if that was okay) so it might not be fair for me to judge based on those. For all I know she wanted to have sex or a good makeout session but didn't have the time/was afraid if she gave me too much go ahead I'd be aggressive and she wouldn't want to stop (which is true, I am talented at breaking down resistance. Hah.)

I dunno. We'll see. I did think it was positive that she was willing to kiss me for a bit infront of the sushi place, especially since she had run into a friend from school who could presumably see us since we were macking right outside the front windows.

Forgot to mention, on our 3rd date we were talking about not wanting to do what your job is when you come home and I mentioned "thank god I'm not a gynecologist" to which she laughed and said she was thinking the same thing. I take that to mean she has at least an interest in sex.

[Boisdevie]

I'd dump her. A relationship without the physical side of things is the same as friends without benefits